Strengthening relationships with parents is indeed difficult, even seems impossible. Your father may live far away, be sick, or seem disinterested in a relationship with you. Regardless of whether the distance between you and your father stems from differences in views or childhood trauma, there are some practical steps you can take to strengthen your relationship.
Step
Method 1 of 2: Spending Time with Dad
Step 1. Find an activity you both enjoy
If you want to get closer to your dad, take him out on activities or talk about things you both enjoy. This activity need not change everything. Most people find it easier to connect with people who have interests in the same field.
- If you don't agree with your father's political or religious views, trying to build a relationship through those topics will only be a waste of time.
- Reminding him of the things you used to do together when you were little is one way to find common interests.
Step 2. Find out about him
Just because he is your father, doesn't mean you know everything about him. Try asking questions as if you were approaching a new friend, such as "What was your grandpa like when you were younger?" or “Did you have any interesting experiences as a child? Who was your best friend before?"
- You may feel that he is more interested in talking about himself than his child. For adult children, this usually feels very different from what they felt as a child. You may need some time to get used to it.
- Doing various activities together can be used to provoke more questions. For example, while watching a baseball game, you could ask him when he first went to the stadium to watch a game, who he went with, which team he watched, etc.
- When you're not sure where to start, throw in open-ended questions to start a conversation. Questions like “For dad, what does a perfect day look like?” or “What do fathers and uncles have in common?” can provide you with interesting new information.
Step 3. Focus on the positive
Whenever you're tempted to get defensive or upset with your dad, think about what you like about him. Even if his jokes are terrible, you can appreciate his intention to cheer others up. Maybe he is kind, or patient. Focus your attention on these strengths and it will be easier for you to bond with them.
- Focusing on your dad's good qualities doesn't mean his negativity disappears. For example, he may be aloof and distant when you are a child, but this will actually make you grow up to be a passionate and independent child. You may appreciate the way he lets you make your own mistakes and learns from them.
- If you can't think of your father's good qualities, walk away. Walk away, then spend some time contemplating. Everyone has a good side. Your relationship with your father will not improve until you recognize his kindness.
Step 4. Make an effort
Often times, connecting with someone is just a matter of time spent together. Making time to visit your dad, whether weekly or monthly, will help you connect with him.
- This is especially good if your father already has age-related health problems. Spending time telling your experiences through stories and photos is enough to help your dad connect with your life.
- Even if you don't talk much, your presence makes a connection. One way to visit it is to just sit down together. If silence can make you feel good, it will feel good.
Method 2 of 2: Repairing a Broken Relationship
Step 1. Check your motivation
If your relationship with your father has been damaged due to past problems, you may need to rethink your relationship with him. Ask yourself: how much did my father's behavior affect my life? Compare the positive and negative effects it has had on your life so far.
- Acknowledging that his past actions were a mistake is part of the process of forgiveness.
- Deciding to be in a relationship doesn't mean you can forgive his behavior in the past. However, if you are trying to mend the relationship, you must find a way to forgive the father's past mistakes.
Step 2. Call your father
Calling him may seem scary, but it needs to be done. If you're serious about building a relationship with your dad, you have to let him know. Say something simple to lighten the mood. Short explanations are best. For example, “Hi, dad. I'm thinking about you and want to spend some time together. Please call back later."
- If he doesn't reply to your message within a week, try again.
- If calling her is too difficult, send an email.
- Include your contact information in the message you send, so he can respond.
Step 3. Use the word “I” to make a statement
Instead of criticizing your father for his past misdeeds, express your heart from your point of view. For example, instead of saying, "Dad was always drunk when he came home," say what you're feeling: "I grew up confused because I didn't know what to expect."
- By using the "I" point of view, you will avoid arguments. Your dad can't argue with how you feel.
- You can use his behavior to clarify the content of your feelings. For example, “I used to be embarrassed to take my friends home to play,” sounds more personal than “Dad never goes to work and always bothers me,” which can put your dad on the defensive.
Step 4. Try to listen to your father's reasons
If your father made a decision that hurt you as a child, you may wonder why he did it. Maybe you've guessed the reason yourself, but still don't know the real reason. There may be circumstances that compelled him to act in this way and can tell you now.
- An example of questions you could use would be, “Can you tell me why I worked for the airline when I was a kid?” or “I want to understand more about your relationship with your new wife. How did you two meet?”
- Be careful not to sound like your question is blaming.
- Open yourself up to hear what he has to say.
Step 5. Don't blame your father for his past actions
Statements like "Dad always does this to me…" sound provocative and so antagonistic that they can spark an argument, not bring the two of you closer. In the end, there was nothing he could do to change the past. Be who you are now. If you still have feelings from the past that are bugging you, this is a problem you have to deal with.
- If your parents hurt, ignored, or hated you in the past, it's not your fault. Seek help healing emotional wounds through therapy, counseling, or support groups. Your father cannot change his past actions.
- Self-blame can have a big impact. If you suddenly get angry, become defensive, or feel hurt, take a break. Take a deep breath. Soak up your thoughts, then make sure they are just self-blame.
- Remember that you cannot change your father. When you were a kid, you couldn't change that, and you can't change it now. Accepting this situation will help you strengthen your relationship with him.
Step 6. Stop taking his behavior personally
Remember that whatever your dad does (or doesn't do) is a reflection of him, not you. The stories you make about your father's heart are fictitious, and not entirely true.
- If you begin to notice specific patterns in the stories you compose about your own father, you will learn more about yourself. For example, do you often feel like you are a victim of your own father's behavior? If so, this assumption might be the pattern of your relationship. Seeing your father's behavior from another point of view will tell a new story about your own life.
- Keep in mind that your father, like everyone else, may be busy. If he doesn't pick up your calls, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He may be really busy, or just forgetful. Learning to give your father understanding will go a long way in strengthening your relationship.
Step 7. Realize that no one is perfect
Your father must have made a mistake. This does not necessarily make you a victim. This just proves a father is human. If you're willing to give up the belief that a father has to be perfect, you'll find it easier to build a relationship with him.
- One of the signs you want to have a “perfect father” is when you imagine what a father should be like. The belief that there is a right and wrong way to be a father stems from high expectations that will ultimately disappoint.
- Don't compare your dad to someone else's dad you know, especially if someone else's dad seems better than your own dad. You cannot judge a person's relationship with his father. It's the same as imagining a perfect father figure.
Step 8. Make the decision to forgive
Forgiveness is different from forgiving your father, and doesn't mean you're ready to reconcile. However, deciding to forgive him or her is the first step to getting rid of the pain and anger you carry from the past.
- Think from your father's point of view. What was his childhood like? What pressure did he face when you were a child? Try to understand his point of view.
- Be aware of the sympathy that comes when you think from his point of view. Cultivate these feelings with kindness, while still realizing that this cannot be a justification for his actions.
- Try to find the wisdom behind your experiences. Sometimes, bad experiences can provide very deep and useful lessons for a person's life.
- Letting go of the expectations you once had will help build a stronger relationship with your dad. You may need to talk about things in the past with him, but be prepared to forgive him – and yourself – for what happened in the past. Holding on to hurt feelings will only make it harder for you to build a good relationship with them.
- If you are obsessed with your past and are often angry about it, talk to someone else, such as a friend, therapist, partner, or spiritual teacher.
- Do this slowly. Forgiving someone cannot be done in an instant. Being in a relationship takes time.
