Teenagers need different things from their parents than they needed when they were kids. Adolescents need a higher degree of freedom and need help to deal with the demands of growing up. Sometimes it's hard for parents to handle. Learn how to negotiate with your parents and how to earn and maintain their trust.
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Part 1 of 3: Talking to Your Parents
Step 1. Ask to meet with one or both of your parents
Prepare ahead of time for this meeting by developing a list of what you want to talk about. For example, are there certain restrictions that you would like to have lifted, such as an earlier curfew or a ban on watching more adult films? Or is there something you wish you could do, like choose your own clothes or go out with friends?
Discussing this list with a trusted adult can be helpful, such as with a teacher or coach, before approaching your parents. That person will be able to give you an adult's point of view on your request. Take their advice into account as you refine your list
Step 2. Choose a quiet time and place for this conversation
You have to design the conversation to make it work. What's important is that you and your parents have a thoughtful and respectful dialogue. If the conversation turns into a heated argument, you will destroy your own goals.
- Cars are usually a good place to have a chat. You don't have to maintain eye contact, and you can always use a street scene or something on the radio to naturally shift the conversation to less intense topics.
- Avoid bringing up difficult topics late at night, when everyone is tired.
- Try to talk alone with your parents, without other siblings around you.
Step 3. Explain your request clearly
Explain why each of these requests is important to you and what you expect from them. Also, explain how you can keep yourself in check even if you get more freedom from them.
For example, you might say: "I want to be able to hang out at the mall with my friends until nine o'clock on Fridays. I really like spending time with my friends and often don't have the chance to hang out with them on weekdays because I have a lot of work to do." and extracurricular activities. I'll bring my cellphone so mom and dad can always check when I'm away, and I'll be home at the agreed time."
Step 4. Listen carefully to your parents' feedback
Listening to them shows that you respect them. Even if you don't agree with something they say, you can politely ask for a classification and explanation, then listen to what they have to say. Doing so, although you may have to be a little stubborn about some things, you are not simply ignoring their advice and requests.
- Reflect back on what you have heard. This step helps ensure that you really understand what your parents are saying. For example, you might say: "I've noticed that mom and dad worry that I'll drink or do drugs with my friends if I hang out with them at night. Is that true?"
- Maybe talking about possible scenarios with them can help. For example, if your parents say "I'm afraid I won't know where you are at night," you can talk about different approaches. For example you can provide a detailed itinerary with alternative people to contact if for some reason you cannot answer your own phone.
Step 5. Talk about ways you can gain more freedom
What are some signs of maturity that your parents look for? Do you have a particular pattern of behavior that worries them? Even if your parents aren't ready to grant your request, they may be willing to agree to a plan: if you show a certain level of maturity over a period of time, they will consider your request.
Step 6. Ask parents about their own teenage years
Parents are often affected by memories of their own teenage decisions. They may be haunted by the risks they took or the bad choices they made. Ask your parents about their experiences. Be prepared to listen empathetically, paying special attention to what the story tells about their fears. Talk about the choices you make and how your own life is similar to or different from theirs.
Step 7. Ask a trusted adult to talk to your parents
If your parents refuse to budge or won't even listen to your request, consider asking a teacher, religious leader, or tutor for help. They may be able to explain to your parents that your need for greater freedom corresponds to your developmental stage. And they will be able to give you a new perspective on you and how you behave outside the home.
Step 8. Remember that your relationship won't really change because of one big conversation
You should come back to this topic from time to time. If your parents agree to give even one item off your list a chance, the conversation was successful. Your job now is to show that you can hold onto that increased freedom and responsibility, so that they'll come back to positively consider other requests later on.
Part 2 of 3: Showing Responsibility
Step 1. Never break your parents' trust
Follow the agreement you made with them. Never lie to them about how you will use the increased freedom you have negotiated.
- If you have a cell phone, answer messages and calls from your parents. They may contact you more frequently in the early days, as they adjust to your increased independence. Be patient.
- Do not be late. If you're supposed to be home by ten p.m., try to be home by 9:45 p.m. - that way, you'll have some spare time in case you're stuck on a slow bus, for example. If you don't want to be home late, call your parents as soon as possible to let them know about the situation.
Step 2. Keep your promise even if you have to give up doing something fun
The ability to delay gratification in order to keep your promises to others is an important sign of maturity. It also shows that you are developing a good character.
Step 3. Keep all your impulses under control
Don't let your emotions or desires get out of hand so that you make bad choices or say irresponsible things. This is an important part of showing that you can make good decisions.
- For example, it's natural for you to get angry every now and then, but don't just throw a tantrum. Make a plan to calm yourself down. If you feel your blood boil, take a deep breath, count to ten, or excuse yourself from going outside or to the bathroom.
- Your brain is designed to look for more dangerous and risky behaviors at this point in your life. While this is a natural part of being a teenager, your parents should also see evidence that you can control your desires and take care of yourself.
Step 4. Take responsibility for sex, drugs, and alcohol
Never use illegal drugs. If you are old enough to have sex, practice healthy sex, including using condoms or other forms of protection.
Step 5. Accept that your parents will set boundaries for you
For example, most parents will keep an eye on what websites their teens visit and how their children use social media. These limits are part of their duty as parents.
Don't compare your parents to your friends' parents. No one likes to be pressured by comparisons like this. And chances are you don't know the whole story, even about the lives of your friends. Instead, focus on your relationship with your own parents
Step 6. Demonstrate your ability to care for others
Another sign of maturity that your parents will notice is empathetic and caring behavior. Your parents will trust you even more if they know that you are capable of treating others with tact.
- Sign up for volunteer activities on a regular basis. If you are able to consistently and regularly contribute to volunteering, your parents will know that you are a responsible and generous teenager.
- Be kind to your siblings. Try to understand them from the point of view of an adult, rather than from the point of view of a fellow child.
Part 3 of 3: Living the Dynamics of Youth and Parents
Step 1. Recognize that your parents may be more distressed by the conflict with you than you are
Parents are often more distressed by everyday fights or arguments than their teens. They may still be weighed down by a conflict you've almost forgotten about.
If your parents still seem upset about an old conflict, don't ignore their feelings. Instead, ask what is still bothering them and listen to their answers
Step 2. Accept that there is more than one way to understand something
Teenagers and parents often see a conflict from different frames. Adolescents are more likely to emphasize personal choice, while their parents are more likely to focus on the underlying issue of right versus wrong. For example, you might see a messy room as a way to live, while your parents might see some degree of filth as a fundamental mistake.
While it can be annoying, try not to tell your parents that the way they see things is completely wrong. Instead, focus on practical issues: how often do your parents expect you to do your own laundry? Would your messy room not bother them too much if the door was tightly closed?
Step 3. Confirm again to make sure that your parents really feel how you think they feel
You tend to be more emotional at this phase of your life. Also, you may tend to see emotions in other people, even though they aren't really there. Practice doing a reality test: calmly ask your parents how they feel about something, or even ask outright: "Were you mad at me when I came in?"
Step 4. Spend time together
Doing fun activities together can help maintain a good relationship with your parents. Seeing you in the outside world, going through different situations with maturity and grace will help your parents.
For example, taking your parents for a hike together can help them feel more open to allowing you to go camping for the night in the future
Step 5. Let your parents meet your friends
Teenagers will naturally seek to form stronger relationships with their friends than with their parents. But if you let your parents get to know your friends, it will be easier for them to open up to giving you permission to spend time with your friends later or in more liberal ways.
Step 6. Talk to your parents about important issues
If you can talk seriously and openly about adult issues such as relationships, and the future, you will have a better and more mature relationship with your parents. Asking their advice about relationships and preventing pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections can help your parents understand that you are dealing with these issues as an adult. In addition, you will learn from their experiences about sex and romance.
- Use examples from television shows or magazine articles to bring up a specific topic.
- Write down any questions you want to ask.
- Send a short message or email to lighten the mood. You can use this message as a way to set a talk time later, when both of you can concentrate on the conversation.
Step 7. Determine if you need professional help
Some conflict is normal during this period in your relationship with your parents, but frequent and intense fights are a sign that something is wrong. If you can't stop fighting with your parents, seek advice and guidance from a trusted adult outside your family.
