For some people, compromising with the in-laws and trying to understand them is impossible. Do you feel that way too? Usually, this situation occurs when the in-laws are manipulative, are violent, or find it difficult to respect their children or in-laws. If you are stuck in such a condition, nothing will stop you from ending your relationship with your in-laws. However, make sure the decision is not made hastily! Instead, discuss it with your partner first, and think about the impact it will have on your relationship with other relatives. After that, if both of you have made up your mind, please do so in a polite manner.
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Part 1 of 3: Making the Decision to End Relationship with In-laws
Step 1. Identify the reasons behind your decision to end the relationship with your in-laws
Breaking away from the extended family system is a very bold and serious step. That is why, before taking any action, make sure you are absolutely sure of the decision. If necessary, consult with a mental health professional to identify the reasons behind your desire, as well as to ensure that the decision is the right one. Also consider whether the problem you are experiencing is worthy of an excuse.
- Make that decision if your relationship with your in-laws is filled with negativity, or if your relationship with them is ruining your marriage.
- Make that decision if your in-laws are constantly bullying or violent towards you, causing your self-esteem and/or self-confidence to be destroyed.
Step 2. Consider a possible domino effect
Think about the impact your decision to end your relationship with your in-laws will have on your relationship with your spouse, as well as with your spouse's relatives. Is it possible that your other relationships will be negatively affected? If so, are you ready to face it?
- For example, if you have been in a very close relationship with some of your husband's relatives, cutting off contact with your in-laws can also cost you a lot.
- If you have children, distancing them from their grandparents can negatively affect their psychological state.
- If your family is financially dependent on relatives, or if you hope to inherit from your in-laws in the future, cutting off contact with them will only cost you all the benefits.
Step 3. Don't make decisions when you're angry
If your in-laws' words or actions upset you, take a deep breath and take some time to calm down instead of reacting spontaneously. Be careful, your relationship with them can get worse because of it. After all, you don't want to say or do something you'll regret later, do you?
- Wait a few days before getting back in touch with your in-laws, or at least a few months before making any major decisions regarding your relationship with your in-laws. While waiting for that time to come, ease your anger by meditating, exercising, or writing down your complaints in a special journal.
- Anger will make you see the world through the eyes of a horse. That's why you shouldn't make decisions when you're angry!
Step 4. Consider distancing yourself from your in-laws
Ending a relationship with your in-laws is not easy, especially if you and they have to meet at a holiday or other family event. Therefore, try to find more practical ways, such as implicitly distancing yourself from your in-laws and interacting only when absolutely necessary.
- For example, you might decide to limit contact with your in-laws as much as possible, but don't mind meeting them at events that involve extended family. In these events, ask your partner to act as a mediator to facilitate the communication process.
- Avoiding the in-laws is the easiest solution to implement, especially if you and they only need to see each other once or twice a year.
Part 2 of 3: Discussing Possible Problems
Step 1. Talk to your partner
First of all, invite your partner to chat in a private and minimally disturbed situation. After that, talk to your partner about how you feel about your in-laws and ask for their opinion. Then, work together to find a solution that benefits all parties. Most likely, the right solution will not immediately appear in one conversation. That is why, you must continue to discuss this topic with your partner, at least until the most suitable solution is found.
- Don't badmouth your in-laws in front of your partner. If the couple's relationship with them is still fine, chances are that the couple will immediately defend their parents. Instead, focus on expressing your feelings in as neutral a way as possible.
- For example, you could say, “Honey, I know you love your parents. But to be honest, I really can't stand to hear their criticism every time we meet. You realize that too, don't you? What do you think we can do to solve this problem?”
Step 2. Think about the future relationship of the in-laws with their grandchildren
In fact, ending a relationship with in-laws is not as easy as turning the palm of the hand if you and your partner already have children. In that case, think about whether your children can continue to see the in-laws in the future. If so, also think about the schedule and frequency.
Identify the types of behavior that are appropriate reasons for breaking up between your in-laws and your children. For example, you can't tolerate your in-laws being violent, setting unreasonable standards, or engaging in activities that harm your children
Step 3. Think about how you would respond to holidays and other family events
Discuss situations that require you and your partner to visit your in-laws or spend time with them. In particular, consider your willingness to spend time under the same roof as your in-laws. If not, ask if your partner is willing to attend family events without you.
For example, you may not be going to the annual family event that your in-laws are attending, but still allow your spouse and children to both attend
Step 4. Define boundaries to apply to your relationship with your in-laws
Also think about the reasons behind these boundaries, and don't forget to discuss them with your partner to make sure you are both one voice in front of the in-laws. Periodically, take the time to re-evaluate these boundaries. If any restrictions are found to be less effective, feel free to make the necessary changes.
- For example, you and your partner may object to your in-laws being too involved in child-rearing activities. If that's the case, make the objection one of the boundaries that need to be communicated to the in-laws.
- Another limitation, in-laws may not be allowed to interfere in you and your spouse's financial matters or stay at your house when visiting. If your house and theirs are far apart, try booking a room at a hotel for your in-laws.
Part 3 of 3: Ending Relationship with In-laws
Step 1. Ask your partner for support and help
When it comes to your in-laws, the only person who can support you throughout the process is your partner. Even if your partner still wants to maintain a relationship with his parents, he still has to provide the support you need and support your choices.
- Practice an assertive response with your partner so he or she knows what to do if their parents start bringing up issues you and they are experiencing.
- If your partner also wants to end the relationship with his parents, let him lead the whole process.
Step 2. Explain your position and boundaries to your in-laws
Convey your desire to end the relationship with the in-laws and the reasons. Make sure the conversation is short, straightforward, and factual. In other words, don't waste time arguing with your in-laws or letting your emotions dominate the conversation.
- For example, you could say, “I don't want to see Mom and Dad again because you always look down on me in front of my kids. This behavior really hurt me, and I don't want my son to imitate him when he grows up."
- Most likely the in-laws will not approve of your decision. However, always remember that you don't have to weigh their opinion or justify your decision in their presence.
Step 3. End the relationship with the in-laws in various media
If you really want to limit interactions with relatives who have an unhealthy influence, don't hesitate to remove your in-laws from the various media that have connected you with them. For example, unfriend your in-laws on Facebook and if necessary, block their email addresses and phone numbers as well.
Step 4. Avoid events they attend
If you really want to distance yourself from your in-laws, stop attending social events or large family activities that often involve your in-laws. For example, you may need to end a club membership that involves your in-laws, shop at another supermarket, or even refuse to attend a wedding invitation.
Turning down an invitation and looking for a new community or routine isn't easy, but it's actually quite effective at avoiding your in-laws
Step 5. Stick to your principles
If your in-laws start to provoke arguments or arguments, define your boundaries and the reasons behind your decision to end the relationship calmly. If another relative criticizes your choice or tries to make you feel guilty, try to explain that the decision was made to protect your well-being and your relationships with others. No need to give too long an explanation, yes!
Step 6. Stay polite
Remember, one day you may meet your in-laws again, whether intentionally or not. When that day comes, continue to treat them well, and don't say words that can hurt them on purpose. Help yourself to not feel guilty, and always remember that you have the full right to control your emotions. Always respect your in-laws, no matter how bad they treat you!
