Ending a controlling or manipulative relationship can be more difficult than living it. Even if you're not brave enough to end the relationship or you're worried that your partner won't be able to live independently, the life you want will not come true until the relationship ends. If you really want to end this relationship, prepare yourself, execute a plan, and set a stance to maintain a stand so that your wishes can be achieved. But apart from doing these steps, the most important aspect that you must have is the courage to make this wish come true.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Preparing Yourself Before Ending a Relationship
Step 1. Acknowledge that you have been controlled all along
Many controlling or manipulative relationships end up taking longer than they should because people who are being controlled or manipulated always deny that there is anything wrong with them. Maybe you think your partner is just upset or dissatisfied, but he is slowly taking over every aspect of your life. Signs of a manipulative or controlling relationship include the following:
- If you notice that your partner is gradually taking over every aspect of your life-such as deciding how often you can hang out with friends or where you should have dinner-this means you're being controlled.
- If the person you're with has a habit of getting angry or throwing a tantrum followed by saying that he really needs or loves you, this means he's trying to control you with his emotions.
- If you've ever tried to leave your partner and he or she threatens to be violent or even suicidal, this means you're already living under threats and being manipulated by them.
- If the person you're with is very jealous and doesn't like it when you go out with friends, especially if your friends are of a different gender so it's hard for you to go out with other people, this means you're being controlled.
- If your partner has ever dropped you in front of his friends and family, made you afraid of speaking too much in public, and put on a scary face to keep you quiet, this means you are being controlled.
- If all this time you have to keep giving in to your partner because you are afraid of how he will treat you if you don't want to give in, immediately free yourself from this kind of relationship.
- If you are being forced to do things you don't want to do, especially sexually, it means you are being controlled.
- If you're feeling hopeless because you can't please your partner in any way anymore, it means you're no longer thinking about yourself.
- If he makes you feel like you can't get out of this relationship and can never find someone who likes you, it means you're being manipulated into staying with him.
Step 2. Think about why you should leave your partner
Once you realize that you are in a controlling or manipulative relationship, start thinking about how good your life would be if this relationship ended. This excuse will motivate you to leave your partner and start making plans to break free. Write down these reasons so that they are firmly planted in your mind and give you the confidence to quickly free yourself so that you can enjoy your life again. There are several reasons why you should end this relationship:
- You can go back to being yourself again. Write down all the things you really enjoyed before going into this relationship, such as enjoying yogurt ice cream with friends or spending time alone while traveling to your heart's content that you've never "should" do.
- You can forge a new, more enjoyable relationship. Do you remember those get-togethers with friends before your boyfriend walked into your life and said that every night the two of you should go on a date? Write down your favorite memories of hanging out with friends and family and imagine the joy and happiness you would feel if you could experience them again.
- Your self-esteem will rise again. Right now, your self-esteem may be determined by how well your partner treats you at certain moments. After leaving this relationship, you are free to judge yourself as you wish. In addition, if your self-esteem is low because it has been defined by an emotional or unstable person, you will feel better if you stop doing this habit.
- You can live a life free of fear and anxiety. Enjoy life, instead of worrying about your partner's reaction to what you say or do.
- You can also ask a good friend to help you find reasons to separate, as friends are usually better able to see and give your views on certain things that you may not even be aware of. In addition, he can also provide motivation for you to immediately end this relationship.
Step 3. Prepare in advance what you want to say
You should prepare statements that are short, polite, and don't need to give your partner a chance to argue, ask you to change your mind, or promise to change or do whatever you want to keep the relationship going. There's no need to give lots of reasons why you want to split up or make a list of all the treatments that have upset you because things will just make things more difficult.
- All you have to do is say, "I can't continue this relationship anymore" or "It's time for us to separate" and then make a few sentences, but keep it short.
- There is no point in holding grudges or accusing because this will only confuse your partner's emotions.
- Try to convey this news as calmly as possible. Don't scream, cry, or rush. Make it seem casual, even if you're actually really hurt. If he seems emotional, he knows that you can be manipulated.
- Once you've decided what you want to say, try practicing saying it. This will make you feel comfortable with the words you are about to say.
Step 4. Decide how to convey your wishes
The way you get the message across will be crucial when you have to deal with an unstable or controlling person. The most important thing you should consider is the nature and behavior of your partner. If he's violent or if you're really scared of the way he's reacting, share the news in a public place to make you feel more secure or invite a friend, if necessary.
- If you don't want to see your partner at all, send them a text message or email. If things are so bad that you're afraid to meet him in person, use whatever means you can to break up.
- While you must act immediately after deciding to separate, pay attention to the timing. Don't break up after you or both of you have been drinking or under stress. Find a time when your partner seems a little calmer, though that's not necessarily the case.
Step 5. Prepare an escape plan
If the two of you live together or you still have a lot of stuff in the house, think about how to get these things back. Before you separate, you can discreetly take him out so you don't have to come back home after the two of you are separated. Enlist the help of friends to retrieve your belongings, perhaps without your partner knowing or after separating. This will make you feel safer and more motivated to leave.
If the two of you live together, find a place to live before you break up so you don't feel like an abandoned person and want to come back again
Step 6. End this relationship in your mind
Before you make your decision, tell yourself that the relationship is really over and be prepared for the sadness that will follow after a serious breakup. If you've ever imagined going through a breakup-without telling your partner-you'll feel stronger when you make this decision because you've already made up your mind.
Part 2 of 3: Executing the Plan
Step 1. Be assertive
Firmness of attitude is the most important thing you should consider when conveying the decision to separate to your partner. Once you've made this decision, you've said it and there's nothing more he can do or say to change your mind. Say the words you've practiced and get ready to go. Even if he cries or looks really sad, remember all the reasons why you had to leave.
Your partner may say, "But you didn't give me a chance to explain!" This is really very sad because you have given him too many chances
Step 2. Say it briefly
Don't stay with your partner just to succumb to his emotions or say things he did that ruined your life. The shorter your explanation, the less likely he will be able to argue or talk with you. Remember, this is not a negotiation, so don't open up opportunities for dialogue. Say your wish then go!
Step 3. Keep your distance
Stand or sit some distance from your partner and don't let him touch, hug, or hold you back to continue the relationship. If he tries to hold your hand, you may be tempted to be gentle with him again, instead of doing what you originally intended to do, which is to leave him.
Step 4. Don't be manipulated
If you have been manipulated all this time, there is a chance that you will also be manipulated when you want to separate. Don't let him sway you with his emotions by saying that you won't be able to find anyone else or promising you anything to stay, whether it's promising to marry you, buy you a house, or take anger management exercises.
Remember, you decided to split up because you were tired of this kind of behavior. No more use these promises for you
Step 5. Don't tell me where you're going
Of course you want to live with your parents or at a good friend's house, but you don't need to tell them. Don't let him follow you and try to persuade you to come back or even stalk you.
Step 6. Go
Once you've said what you have to say, walk away. If a friend is waiting in the car or with you, take your friend away. Don't even look back at your ex-spouse because it will make you feel sad and insignificant; all this of course will suffice for you. Hold your chin high as you walk away and never look back!
Part 3 of 3: Maintaining Attitude
Step 1. Never contact your ex again
Don't take calls or reply to texts from him. Don't let him contact you on Facebook or ask him to meet you at places you usually go. Request a restraining order, if necessary. Talking to him again will only make you more confused, hurt, and make things worse. Don't be fooled if he says he just wants to chat or miss you because he will try to get you back at any cost.
- If you have to talk to him for some reason, such as wanting to collect things or something related to co-ownership, take a friend and meet in a public place.
- If you and your ex have enough mutual friends, try avoiding them for a while. Don't go to places your ex used to go to so you don't see them again, even if this means hiding for a while.
Step 2. Don't be tempted to change your mind
It's natural to feel sad and lonely without the people you love. If your ex was in control of all aspects of your life and suddenly you are living alone again and have to make up your own mind, it makes sense that you feel unable to handle the little things, are very lonely, and overwhelmed. This is precisely what your ex really wants, he thinks you can't possibly live without him.
- Tell yourself that everything will be easier because it really will be easier.
- Remember that you were okay before you got into this relationship and that you can just be yourself like you used to be.
Step 3. Fill your time with the people you love
While you may need to be alone to reflect after a breakup, this is not a good time to spend all your time alone. Instead, rely on friends and family by getting together as often as possible. Even if you don't really like going to parties at this point, push yourself and try to have fun there.
- While you may need to be alone after a tough breakup, spending too much time alone after ending a controlling or manipulative relationship will only make you want to get back together with your ex.
- Friends and family are the people who will become your support group. Tell them how bad this relationship is because you will become stronger with confirmation of your views.
- Don't be afraid to call old friends again. Maybe your controlling ex has made you lose touch with your friends. Tell them honestly that you made a mistake by breaking up with them and ask them to accept you again.
Step 4. Get busy
You will never be able to forget this relationship if you lock yourself in your room all the time or watch TV alone while you are sad. Try to stay busy by going out with friends, doing the things you love, and enriching yourself in your work or education. Enjoy your hobby or find a new hobby that will make your life more meaningful.
- Whatever you want to do, try to get out of the house so you don't feel lonely even if it's just to read a book over coffee.
- Make a weekly schedule. Make time for reflection, but also plan activities that you really enjoy and look forward to every day.
- Think of this as an opportunity to try what you've never been able to do with your ex. Maybe he doesn't like small things like eating salad or watching movies. So, do whatever can satisfy your heart.
Step 5. Imagine how happy you are
You may need to be patient to make this wish come true, but with time, you will see how much better your life will be once you are free from this terrible relationship. Every night before you go to bed, think about one thing you can do right now. Write down what would be better in your life and how nice it would be to be in control of your own thoughts and actions.
Whenever you feel weak, read this note again or say reasons that have made your life feel better. Be patient, it will prove that you are doing the right thing by choosing to be brave and make the right decisions
Tips
- Cutting ties with all friends seems like a very cruel attitude, but it is "cruel for good". No response = no need to continue this relationship. The sooner and clearer your message is received, the sooner your ex will meet someone else and you'll be free from a disillusioned situation. The less kind feedback you give your ex, the more frustrated he will be that you're sticking with it. The more frustrated your ex is, the more angry and violent he or she may be. No matter how difficult things are and how tender-hearted you are, don't bring this up to your ex. It's pointless because this will only make it harder for the two of you to separate.
- Admit your weakness. Oftentimes, even if your partner is controlling and/or manipulative (wrong behavior), he is only taking advantage of your own weaknesses (which gives rise to controlling/manipulative behavior). So, in this case, both of you are actually at fault. To prevent the same problem from happening in the future, you have to overcome the insecurities inside you because you always feel neglected, lonely, and/or your tendency to always want to "save" or rely solely on the good qualities of your love. "Correct" any mistakes you make to other people. After all, regardless of who was most responsible, this situation had to end. Solve the problems that are inside of you after this relationship ends.
- Let's say you have a mutual friend named Jim. While driving, you call Jim and tell him, "Jim, I just parted ways with Laura. She was very disappointed when I left. So I'd like to ask you to call and make sure Laura is okay, but don't tell me I asked you to. help." Of course Jim would call Laura or stop by her house. It turned out that Laura was doing well and didn't look like a very disappointed person. Maybe you'll hear from your ex that he's hopeless and helpless, then hear from another friend that he's gone out to dinner and is doing his normal business. But your ex will hope otherwise, because this is how you can get back in his control. The sooner you deal with the situation, the sooner your ex will be able to accept your decision, as long as the main issue has been resolved (for example, you left him and you no longer want to do what he wants). So, no more fighting about your leaving, no more trouble. There may still be some vestige of anger, but the worst of it is past.
- If you live together and your spouse doesn't want to leave, you should go, assuming you're not the sole owner of the property or are not bound by a tenant agreement. This problem can be very difficult especially if you have to break up with people who can support you (friends and family) and don't know where to live. Perhaps the only recourse is to wait for the judge's decision at the divorce trial which will determine the status of the joint property. If you are the sole proprietor of the property, it will be very unpleasant. Call the police and explain that you have ended the relationship and want your ex to get out of the house right now. The police will side with you if you ask your ex to get out of the house and will take him at your request. Make sure he has returned all the keys before leaving. To keep him from coming back, it's a good idea to ask for a restraining order. If he tries to come back again, you should call the police immediately. Hide in the bathroom or other lockable room until the police come and take him away one more time. Avoid conversation or other contact with your ex as this could lead to further problems.
- Controlling and manipulative people are usually formed due to external factors that you can't control. You can't expect change or help someone like this even though you care deeply for them. Your best bet is to (A) refuse to be a victim and (B) suggest that he seek professional help.
- Don't delete texts or voicemails from your ex, but don't respond to them either. If you respond, this is a small win and will be a sign that he can win even more. However, if your ex becomes a stalker, these texts can be valuable evidence to the police if you ask for a restraining order to be issued. You can purchase a digital recorder to store voice messages on CDs, floppy disks, or any other safe storage area in case you need them.
- Get back in touch with the people who support you. Go to the friends and family you were forced to stay away from because of your ex, admit your mistakes, and ask them to accept you back. Without needing to talk about pointless things (nor letting other people do it), you can say, "In conclusion, you're right, this relationship is just bad and once I realized it, I left. I appreciate you taking the risk by telling me your concern about this relationship."
- Realize that when your relationship is over, your partner is alone again. If you know someone close to him or her, this person may be able to help your ex and refuse to go his way. A lot has happened between you and your partner, but this is a way you can show your care and love by making them feel comfortable and valued.
- Power and control are issues that have always been controversial. We are all players, but many of us want to have a balanced and trouble-free relationship. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to build a relationship like this. Give other people the opportunity to live their private lives and you have the right to enjoy freedom yourself. Stay alert because an ex might find out where and how you are! Do useful things and continue to develop yourself. You will find happiness and peace within yourself! We all need balance and unconditional love.
Warning
- Don't assume that a quiet meeting with your ex means a good ending. It may still take weeks or months for things to recover. It is certain that there will be scary stories about yourself from mutual acquaintances somewhere. Resist the urge to see your ex again just to "get things straight." Leave it alone because those who know you will know which of you is right, more by your responses and actions than by any other means. You can say, "That's not true, but if his words make him feel better… whatever." Shrug and show them that there's nothing you can do to stop your ex from saying that, just let it go, and get on with your life.
- Children are often only told that they have been abandoned and never explained about the fact that their parents' divorce has nothing to do with them. Controlling people are in the habit of sending express mail to their ex's house and asking the kids to "tuck the letter in between the doors" to increase the chance of snooping. Influencing children to provide information seems to be a must and it is done tirelessly. Many children's lives are greatly affected by their relationship with one of the controlling/manipulative parents/abusers, thus damaging their relationship with normal and well-behaved parents.
- Be wary of someone's stalking or threatening behavior. If you become aware of this, report it to the police immediately. This person may just want to be annoying and harmless. However, don't give him a chance. If necessary, request a restraining or protection order and call the police whenever this is violated. You need to make a report to the police station in order to get a report letter from the police that can be used as supporting evidence if the stalker is bothering you more. A stalker will usually try to block any action that shows that your life is getting better, such as a new career or relationship, by blocking your access to personal possessions or things that are important to you. So try to bring everything you need and don't leave anything behind when you leave. It is also possible that he will invite you to meet to discuss paying off your credit card debt or other debts while you are still with him. This is your ex's way of maintaining the relationship, don't be swayed. This incident may cost you dearly, but it would be much better if you paid off your debt yourself rather than being bound by a payment schedule that requires you to deal with him every month.
- These people usually like to replay important events in their lives, bring up what has passed and change the storyline to suit them. His habit of remembering conversations, giving impressions about you or others regarding past events, etc. can be very unpleasant and the longer he talks the more angry he becomes. He can also blame you for anything and call you a manipulator. If your ex tends to be violent, be careful if the two of you have to meet.
- Controlling and manipulative people will generally use their children to fulfill their need for control after a divorce. Children will be asked to pass on messages, often being asked to share news about their ex-partners, information about vacations, dating someone, or just about anything. You should be aware of the possible emergence of symptoms of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) because controlling parents will try to damage the relationship and credibility of their ex-partner. You should always be aware of this symptom because your ex can use this method to control you through his relationship with the children. You can't stop your ex's behavior from putting your kids in this situation, but don't do the same. It's a good idea to have your children attend therapy sessions with a counselor who can explain why the (controlling) mom or dad is trying to make them feel unhappy or guilty. In addition, your children also need to understand why they don't need to provide any information about you. If it can be cultivated, this method is a valuable investment for their future. If not, you should be able to act as a psychologist or therapist for them and provide the best possible support if they are having problems dealing with your ex.
- Emotional abuse usually gets worse for good children. Because manipulators don't give up easily, there will always be other victims, especially the innocent children who live with them. Teenagers usually tend to be controlling/manipulative if their mother is a single parent because they cannot free themselves from the manipulative influence that they experience all the time. Girls may not be bought a dress for a farewell party or boys may not be allowed to drive a car for a month and not be allowed to talk about the good times they had with their stable and loving parents. These children become captives held hostage by their controlling and manipulative parents. This is why you, as a stable parent, have a responsibility to provide professional help for your children so they can accept and deal with their troubled parents.
- Another manipulative way your ex can use to exert control is to gain control of personal possessions, such as family photos, school or college items, antiques that have value in themselves, or anything else important to you that he can use as a tool. to attack you emotionally.
- If you both have children, you cannot limit your ex's access to children unless a court decision allows this. If your ex is still controlling or manipulative, you should be able to protect your children as best you can by showing them how your ex controlled and manipulated them. Do not let you keep children away from their own parents. Accompany them by explaining the behavior that has left them confused, hurt, or guilty. If your ex could be dangerous and you're concerned that he or she might kidnap or harm them, report this to court officials, the police, or other competent authority in this case for protection.
- Not everyone who is controlling or manipulative can be dangerous, but some people are. Usually they like to show off their strength, but if you come with a supportive friend or family or if you don't respond to all of their texts/calls, you can be sure that this will end the relationship successfully. If not, seek help, either by requesting a restraining order from the police or seeking a mental health specialist who will determine whether your ex could be a danger to you or others or even himself. Apart from that, you will know what are the proper steps to deal with this problem.
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The best way to respond to your ex is not to respond. Focus your attention on the children, not the manipulation problem. Thus, they do not have to carry a heavy emotional burden. In addition, the control or manipulation that your ex wants isn't working because he doesn't have the effect he wants you to be disappointed in.
For example: you know that some family photos were taken and you have every right to assume that your ex took them. You stay silent until one day your child comes home happily accompanied by his father with some of the photos and says, "Mom, let's see what Dad finds!" You are very angry. If you want to "win" this battle, however, you must not react in any way. All you have to do is say, "Wow, that's great. Do you remember when we went on this trip? It was a nice vacation, didn't it? Wouldn't it be better if you put this picture in your room." After that, say to your ex, "I'm glad you gave the photo to Joko. It means a lot to him." Enough! No matter how angry you are or how much you want to scream, "I've looked for that photo everywhere and you have no right to make yourself look like a big hero in front of Joko by stealing the photo from me and giving it to Joko." Your ex has been waiting for this battle, but it will be very bad for you if you act on this desire. First, find out what your ex is doing: (1) he has used his own children and turned them into henchmen in this manipulation without them knowing, (2) your ex has proven to you that he can still come into your life. you whenever he wants because in reality he is still "in the picture" and (3) your ex has managed to get an emotional response from you. This is a big win for him and makes him even more excited to keep winning. You must not react or give any response. Ignore it
