Conversations with friends can be emotional at times. Even if your intentions are good, you could hurt other people's feelings. The best way to be sensitive to other people's feelings is to listen carefully to what they have to say and speak well. It's important to learn how to take care of your own feelings too.
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Part 1 of 4: Recognizing Social Cues Around Emotions
Step 1. Look at the person's face
The face is the part of the body that is most likely to show emotion. If you're trying to determine if someone is feeling sad, upset, lonely, or in pain, start by paying attention to the person's facial expression.
- Unlike some social cues, there are seven basic facial expressions that can be said to be universal expressions across all cultures. These expressions are expressions of joy, surprise, hate, anger, disgust, sadness, and fear.
- Facial expressions change quickly and can show more than one emotion at a time. For example, a person's face can show joy and fear when something very surprising happens.
Step 2. Learn the characteristics of sadness
When someone is sad, you can see it in their face. The face won't look like a cartoon with an upturned smile, but the corners of the person's lips will be pulled down slightly, while the jaw will lift.
- The inner corners of the person's eyebrows will be drawn inward and point towards the forehead.
- Look for the skin under someone's eyebrows that looks a little triangular with the inner corners pointing up.
Step 3. Watch for signs of fear
Being sensitive when someone is afraid can help change your behavior. When a person is afraid, the mouth will open with the lips slightly stretched and pulled back. The eyebrows are usually raised and aligned.
- Look at the forehead and look for wrinkles in the middle of the eyebrows, not along the forehead.
- If a person is afraid, the upper eyelid will lift with the lower one tensed. The top of the eyeball which is white will be visible while the bottom is not.
Step 4. Consider movement and posture
Characteristics of a person being tired include slumped shoulders or limp limbs. If a person feels defensive, he will cross his arms or shake his head. If you pay attention to these traits, you will be more aware of how other people are feeling.
- If you're not sure if you're reading a person's body language correctly, it's usually okay to ask the person verbally.
- However, if he himself is not aware of the feelings he is showing, he may respond by saying that all is well, when in fact it is not.
Step 5. Think of a tone of voice that is pleasant to hear
Most people naturally adjust the pitch of their voice to match the size of the room, and so on to be heard. If you're in a large room, and the person is talking loudly, he or she is most likely just trying to be heard. However, the same tone of voice in a small space can indicate frustration, anger, or fear.
- If the person has difficulty speaking, they may be sad or on the verge of crying.
- If he speaks in an exaggerated manner, he may be being sarcastic. Since sarcasm is a form of ridicule, it can indicate that he is angry but is pretending to be okay.
Part 2 of 4: Empathic Listening
Step 1. Explain that you understand what the other person is saying
Summarizing or paraphrasing what the person is saying allows you to convey your understanding of what the person is saying and offers an opportunity to let him know you understand him well. If you don't understand what he's saying, this step can help prevent misunderstandings.
- This step may feel like it can slow down the conversation. That's okay, because this method can also keep feelings from being hurt because of misunderstandings. However, you can also ask someone to repeat what he or she said. Saying, "Excuse me?" or “Can it be repeated?” is a polite way to ask someone for clarification.
- Remember that this is the most important thing to do when it comes to sensitive topics.
Step 2. Give your full attention to the person speaking
Your focused attention will increase your sensitivity to other people's feelings. If you look around the room or are distracted by other activities, you will not understand other people's feelings.
- If you listen and try to fix the problem the person has at the same time, you won't be able to really hear what the person has to say. Trying to help can come across as judgmental. For best results, listen first.
- Some people are able to listen more carefully when doing something with their hands, but to others, it looks like you're not paying attention. If it's easier for you to listen while keeping your hands busy, make sure you tell your friends about this.
Step 3. Listen without judgment
Try to use the person's point of view when he or she is speaking, rather than responding from your point of view. This doesn't mean you have to agree with what the person is saying. You should only open your mind while the person is speaking.
- Don't try to research someone's speech until he's finished speaking.
- Think about who is speaking. If you pay close attention when someone is talking, you'll also be able to consider why the person is telling you what he or she is saying. For example, if a person is the mother of a troubled teenager, she may be more anxious and full of negative judgments about moral behavior.
Step 4. Use a good attitude
Being polite and courteous to others is a good way to respect them. Most of us teach young children to say “please” and “thank you” to others as a way of showing courtesy. Keeping this basic etiquette in mind will keep you from hurting other people's feelings unintentionally.
- Good manners also include listening carefully and being sensitive to the feelings of others. For example, not interrupting others while they are talking, or nodding to show agreement and understanding are polite ways to show respect to others.
- One of the things that is taught to young children is the proverb that says, "if you can't speak well, it's better to be quiet". While this may not always be good advice, a wiser restatement of the proverb could be something like, “if you can't speak well, save your comments to pass on to someone else later.”
Step 5. Respect what the person has to say
You can do this in a number of ways. For example, you could repeat the person's statement, nod to show that you are listening, or offer support for the person by saying, "yes," or "I understand." All of this will reassure the speaker that you are paying attention to the conversation and that his feelings are important to you.
- Appreciating what the person has to say doesn't mean you have to agree with everything they say. Even if you totally disagree, you can respect the other person's point of view.
- It's important to communicate gently on sensitive topics.
Step 6. Don't respond too quickly
If you're involved in an emotional conversation, it's quite easy to get carried away with your feelings. This will increase the tendency to say things that hurt other people's feelings. The chances that you will say something you will regret are very high.
- On the other hand, when you feel hot, take a deep breath before responding. Count to five silently.
- Research shows that when your heart beats above 100 beats per minute, you are more likely to make the wrong word choices.
- If you find you can't calm down, you can take a break from the conversation.
Part 3 of 4: Communicating Well
Step 1. Ask a question
Asking questions is a good way to learn more about the other person's point of view. Questions can also make the person realize that you value their thoughts and feelings. Being open to whatever the person has to say is a sign of loving communication.
- Make sure your question is an open-ended question that will allow the other person to choose how to respond. Directed questions or questions that attempt to persuade others to agree with your point of view do not show respect for the other person's feelings.
- If you're asking a question that can be answered yes or no, make sure you give the person time to think about additional statements if they choose to.
Step 2. Choose the best way to express your feelings
It's important to have a way to express your emotions, but to be sensitive to other people's feelings, you have to pay attention to how you do it. Choosing statements that start with "I" will help you express your feelings without blaming the other person.
- For example, “I'm sorry about what you just said. Because it reminds me of the experience I had in high school…” would be better than “You're wrong because when I was in high school, I also experienced this”.
- If you show empathy to the other person in a conversation, chances are that he or she will be able to respond to your feelings with empathy as well.
Step 3. Encourage positivity when offering criticism
When making suggestions, be sure to get rid of any negative criticism by reinforcing your opinion of the good thing the person did. Feel free to look for areas where you can appreciate and be gentle but don't overdo your critique.
- Being sensitive to other people's feelings doesn't mean pretending to be someone else. However, before giving an opinion or idea about someone else's experience, always make sure the person wants your honest opinion.
- Focusing your suggestions on the person's actions rather than on the individual will help prevent you from hurting their feelings.
Step 4. Avoid empty words and cliches
If someone is going through a problem, try not to say things like "everything happens for a reason" or "I know how you feel." Your intentions may be good, but telling someone that this bad experience may be a “gift in disguise” is very insensitive to your friend's feelings.
- Instead, respect the person's feelings. Some variations of "I'm so sorry", would be much appreciated, as would the statement, "You're in a lot of trouble".
- It's okay to let her know you don't know what it's like to be her. If you've been through something similar, appreciate that what he's been through may be different from yours.
Step 5. Use body language to communicate respect
Nonverbal communication may be more important to interpret than words. While specific body language varies by culture, in general, the following are recommended ways to show respect:
- Make frequent eye contact when speaking. This will make the other person realize that you are sincerely trying to have genuine communication. However, eye contact should not be too long because it can be interpreted as aggressive.
- Turn your body towards the other person while speaking.
- An occasional gentle touch on a person's outer arm will show friendliness and support. Longer emphasis may not be appreciated or will feel aggressive or flirtatious. It can be a good idea to ask someone if you can touch them gently. Then, appreciate the person's response.
- Keep your hands uncrossed and relaxed.
- Make sure your facial muscles are relaxed and smile if you find it easy.
Part 4 of 4: Keeping Your Feelings Alone
Step 1. Be aware of your own feelings
If you're going to be sensitive to other people's feelings, the best way to start is to become aware of your own. If you're not aware of how you feel during a hot and sensitive conversation, you won't be able to respond sensitively to the other person.
- Learning how to recognize the signs of fear, anger, anxiety, and sadness in yourself will help you empathize with other people's feelings more easily.
- Pay attention to the obvious signs of your feelings. For example, notice if your palms start to sweat or if you start shaking. Does your stomach hurt when anxiety gets worse? Are your breaths getting shorter?
Step 2. Learn problem solving skills
When you become aware of the characteristics of a strong emotion, you need to know how to regulate your feelings so they don't overwhelm you. Whether managing your feelings by taking deep breaths, talking to a therapist or a trusted friend, or a combination of methods, the most important thing to do is allow yourself to be aware of your feelings in a good way.
- Reminding yourself that strong feelings are not wrong or bad can help you. If you feel guilty about having strong feelings, this will only make your stress build up.
- Having a regular exercise routine will also help you deal with strong emotions.
Step 3. Protect yourself
If you're starting to feel overwhelmed, it's okay to take a break. Your ability to be sensitive to other people's feelings will be lost if you can't take care of your own.
- If someone or another topic is unavoidable, make sure you take some time alone to recuperate.
- Realizing that sometimes some topics feel difficult because you have to pay attention to them can help you see how you feel from another side.
- Take a quiet walk, spend time playing with your dog, or spend time sitting and breathing deeply.
