From childhood, you are taught to respect, be kind, and help others. However, sometimes there are people who take advantage of your kindness and generosity and expect or demand more from you than they should. These people may keep asking for help but never return your favor or respect you. When these boundaries are crossed, it may sometimes be difficult for you to object and establish an appropriate trade-off. If you feel used and underestimated by others, this is the time to protect yourself and reset boundaries.
Step
Method 1 of 3: Evaluating the Problem
Step 1. Acknowledge your feelings
It is important that you acknowledge that you are being taken advantage of and that your help is belittled. You can't handle it if you don't acknowledge its existence. Research has shown a link between the expression and analysis of negative feelings and physical and mental health. Suppressing your feelings will only make them worse in the long run.
- It can be difficult if you are taught to be “nice” in a passive way, allowing others to “take advantage of you” and tell you that you have no right to defend yourself.
- For example, the teaching of "doing good without expecting anything in return". While being nice to other people without expecting anything in return is a commendable gesture, it doesn't mean you should lend money to irresponsible people with money.
- In particular, women are often required to be “nice” and defending themselves or raising objections is somehow considered unkind.
- Remember that sometimes what you do will be underestimated. For example, parents often feel as if they are being belittled. Children grow through various stages of adulthood, but sometimes what seems like a self-centered tendency is actually a normal part of growth and development that must be passed.
- There is a difference between admitting feelings and getting carried away. Focusing on negative feelings without analyzing or trying to fix them can make you feel worse than before.
Step 2. Know that you deserve respect
Social and cultural pressures may lead you to believe that saying "no" to others when asked to do so is rude. You may also be taught to feel that your work is less valuable than other people's work, and therefore does not deserve recognition (this problem usually occurs in women, especially in domestic contexts). This can make you feel belittled. Everyone has the right to be respected and respected, and that's not wrong.
It's natural to be angry or hurt, and it's easy to get carried away by those feelings. Make sure you stay focused on being constructive instead of taking your anger out on the other person
Step 3. Think about what triggers your feelings
In order to deal with feelings of being belittled, you must evaluate what made you feel them. Make a list of specific behaviors and events that made you feel unappreciated. You may find some things from other people that you can ask them to change. Maybe you'll also find some things about your communication skills to practice. For example, you may have to practice communicating your boundaries more clearly.
- Research shows that “feeling unappreciated” is a common reason why employees quit their jobs. As many as 81% of employees say they feel more motivated at work when their boss recognizes the results of their work.
- Studies also show that people who feel lonely are more likely to accept unfair treatment and allow others to take advantage of them. If you feel belittled, it's probably because you're afraid you'll feel lonely if you give in to rejection.
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Don't rush to "read minds" or assume other people's motivations. If you assume you know the reasons for other people's actions, you may be wrong. Eventually, you will make unfair and incorrect assumptions.
Example: You feel belittled because you often give a coworker a ride, but he doesn't help you back when your car breaks down. If you don't talk to him, you won't know why. Maybe he's just being selfish and ungrateful, or maybe he's not helping you back because he has to go to the dentist that day, or because you didn't ask outright and just gave a vague code that you needed a ride
Step 4. Identify what has changed in your relationship with the person
If you feel belittled now, it may be because you once felt appreciated by him. The root of the problem could also be the idea that you should feel appreciated but don't get it. Whatever the cause, identifying what changed in your interactions with them can help you feel better. Identification can also help you find a solution to the relationship.
- Try to think back to the first time you interacted with that person. What did he do that made you feel appreciated? What no longer exists? Have you changed too?
- If you feel belittled at work, it may be because you feel that your efforts are not being appreciated (for example, you have never had a raise, your efforts on a project were not recognized). It can also happen because you feel you are not being included in the decision-making. Think about what made you feel valued at work and see if anything has changed.
Step 5. Think about the other party's perspective
Sometimes it's hard to consider the other person's point of view when you feel an injustice in a relationship, whether with a coworker or partner. You feel punished and disrespected. So why should you try to understand why you are being treated that way? In fact, trying to understand the other person's feelings will help you figure out what's really going on. This effort also allows you and the person to work together to find a solution to this problem.
- If there are no personality problems or other problems, people usually don't treat each other badly. Thinking someone is mean even though you know it's unfair is likely only to make them respond with anger that doesn't do any good. When a person feels accused, he often doesn't care anymore.
- Think about the wants and needs of others. Has anything changed? Research shows that sometimes people use “distance techniques,” such as stopping reciprocity and not returning expressions of affection or appreciation when they are no longer interested in a relationship, but don't know how to end it.
Method 2 of 3: Considering Your Role
Step 1. Revisit your communication patterns
You are not responsible for the behavior of others, and you should not blame yourself for being treated badly or unkindly. However, you can control your own actions. If you feel unappreciated or ignored by others, you may be able to influence how they respond by changing the way you communicate and behave. Here are some behaviors and attitudes that can lead others to treat you unfairly:
- You say "yes" to someone (or anyone else's) request, even if the request is inappropriate or makes you uncomfortable.
- You don't want to say "no" or ask other people to change expectations for fear they won't like you or find fault with you.
- You are not expressing your own feelings, thoughts, or beliefs.
- You express your opinions, needs, or feelings with excessive remorse or self-deprecation (eg: “If you don't mind, would you mind…” or “This is just my opinion, but…”).
- You consider other people's feelings, needs, and thoughts more important.
- You humble yourself before others (and often to yourself).
- You think you'll only be liked or loved if you do what the other person expects you to do.
Step 2. Consider your beliefs about yourself
Psychologists have discovered “irrational beliefs” that can cause pain and discontent when they are inside. This belief often demands more from oneself than from others. This belief is sometimes also a "must". Think about whether you have any of the following signs:
- You believe that it is very important to be loved and recognized by everyone in your life.
- You consider yourself a “loser”, “worthless”, “useless”, or “stupid” if you don't get the approval of others.
- You often use “should” statements, such as “I must be able to fulfill all the requests of others,” or “I should always try to please other people.”
Step 3. Recognize distorted thinking
In addition to irrational beliefs, such as the feeling that you have to always be able to meet the demands of others, you may also think about yourself in a distorted way. To overcome feelings of being belittled, you must fight illogical and distorted thoughts about yourself and others.
- For example, you may believe that you are responsible for everyone's feelings (this is the “internal control fallacy”). This belief is the main source of feeling belittled. You worry about hurting other people's feelings by saying "no," so you always say "yes" when asked. However, you won't be helping yourself or anyone else if you're not honest about your boundaries. Saying "no" can also be beneficial and healthy.
- “Personalization” is another common deviation. When you personalize a situation, you make yourself the cause of something that is not really your responsibility. Example: imagine a friend asking you to help look after her baby so she can go to a job interview, but actually you have an important event that you can't reschedule. Personalizing this situation makes you feel responsible for your friend's situation even if it's not. Saying "yes" even though you really have to say "no" will lead to dissatisfaction because you don't respect your own needs.
- “Exaggeration” occurs when you overestimate a situation to the worst-case scenario. For example, you may feel belittled by the thought that you will be fired and forced to become homeless if you speak out against your boss's opinion. In fact, most likely that will not happen!
- One of the self-defeating beliefs that can trap you in a cycle of feeling belittled is the feeling that you don't deserve something different. Believing that others will leave when you let them down only makes you surround yourself with people who don't contribute to your happiness or development.
Step 4. Think about what you want
You know that you don't want to be belittled. However, what do you really want? Your situation will be difficult to change if you are still deeply dissatisfied, but have no clear idea what to do about it. Try making a list of things you would like to change in your relationship with the other person. Once you know what interactions you think are ideal, you'll be able to better act towards achieving them.
For example, if you feel belittled because the kids only call when they need money, think about what kind of interaction you want. Do you want them to call once a week? Or when they had a great day? Do you want to give money when they ask? Do you give money out of fear that they won't call you at all if you refuse? Re-evaluate your boundaries so you can share them with others
Step 5. Respect yourself
Only you can set limits and adhere to them. You may feel unappreciated because you don't communicate your needs and feelings clearly, or it may be because you are interacting with someone who is manipulative. Unfortunately, there will always be people who manipulate others at every opportunity. This manipulation they do to get a wish. Whatever the motivation for others to treat you in this way, whether out of ignorance or manipulation, don't assume that the situation will improve on its own. You have to act.
Step 6. Redefine your interpretation of the interaction
You may feel belittled for concluding yourself how an interaction that hasn't happened has gone. For example, you believe that the other person will be offended or angry if you answer “no”. Or, you assume that because someone forgot to do something for you, they don't care about you. So you should be able to think about each situation calmly and logically.
- For example, you often give gifts to your partner to express your love, but he doesn't give any gifts in return. You feel unappreciated for defining his love for you through certain actions. In fact, your partner cares, but it doesn't show through the specific actions you want. Talking to your partner can help resolve this misunderstanding.
- You can also see how other people handle requests from certain parties. For example, if you feel your boss is belittling you for always asking you to work late on the weekends, talk to a coworker. How do they respond to the same overtime requests? Have they experienced the negative consequences that you fear will happen to you? It could be that you are burdened with a pile of tasks because you are the only employee who doesn't object.
Step 7. Learn to be assertive
Firm communication is not the same as arrogant or rude. Assertiveness means being able to clearly state needs, feelings, and thoughts to others. If other people don't know your needs and feelings, they may take advantage of you even if they don't mean to. Research shows that you can even express negative emotions without hurting the other person if you do it assertively, rather than aggressively.
- Communicate your needs openly and honestly. Use “I” statements, such as “I want…” or “I don't like…”.
- Don't over-apologise or put yourself down. You don't have to feel guilty about refusing a request that you feel you can't fulfill.
Step 8. Get used to confrontation
There are some people who try to avoid conflict at all costs. This may be because they are afraid of disappointing others, or because of cultural values (for example, people from collectivist cultures may not see avoiding conflict as a negative). Avoiding conflict is ignoring your own feelings and needs, and this will become a problem.
- Being open about what you need can result in confrontation, but it's not always a negative. Research shows that when handled productively, conflict can develop skills for compromise, negotiation, and cooperation.
- The practice of being assertive can also help you handle conflict better. Assertive communication is associated with higher self-esteem. Believing that your feelings and needs are just as important as the other person's will give you the ability to handle confrontation without feeling defensive or needing to attack the other person.
Step 9. Get help
Fighting feelings of guilt and helplessness can sometimes be difficult to do alone. Patterns that have been established are difficult to break again, especially if you've been dealing with a powerful person for a long time who makes you feel like you always have to obey. Don't be too hard on yourself. Your attitude is formed as a self-defense mechanism to protect you from danger and threats. The problem is, this mechanism is now a poor self-defense mechanism, which causes you to sink every time you follow it. If these mechanisms can be overcome, you will feel happier and more secure.
There are people who are able to make decisions to solve problems on their own, perhaps with the help of a good friend or mentor. Others feel the need to see a therapist or counselor. Do whatever feels most comfortable to you
Method 3 of 3: Interacting with Others
Step 1. Start small
The ability to convey needs and defend yourself will not just happen. You should practice defending yourself in low-risk situations before trying to confront someone who is in control or important to you (for example, your boss or partner).
For example, if a coworker asks for coffee every time the two of you go to Starbucks but never pays for it, you can remind them of the price of the coffee next time. There is no need to remind in a contemptuous or aggressive manner. Instead, say something friendly but clear, like "Would you like to use my money first or with my card, and can you change tomorrow?"
Step 2. Tell the truth
If you feel that other people are belittling you, you should tell them about it. However, don't immediately say "You underestimate me." Attacks and “you” statements will immediately kill communication and could make the situation worse. Instead, use simple, factual statements to explain your discomfort.
- Stay calm. You may harbor bitter feelings, anger, or frustration, but you must keep those emotions under control. Even though you may have a lot of negative emotions inside of you, try to stay calm and show that you are not unstable or attacking, but that you really mean it.
- Stick to "my" language. Sure, you may be prompted to say "You make me feel uncomfortable" or "You're mean," but that will only put him on the defensive. Instead, explain how certain behaviors affect you and begin your sentences with phrases like "I feel," "I want," "I need," "I will," and "I will do this from now on."
- If you're worried that setting boundaries will make you look like you don't want to help, you can explain the situation. For example, if a coworker asks for help, you could say, "Normally I would help you with that project, but my son is performing at an art party tonight and I don't want to miss it." You can show that you care about him without always complying with his requests.
- Do not respond to abusive or manipulative behavior with positive consequences. Turning the left cheek when someone slaps you on the right will only make him continue the behavior. Instead, express your distaste for his behavior.
Step 3. Offer someone else a way to solve this problem
People may not realize that they are taking advantage of you. In most cases, they are usually eager to improve the situation once they know how you feel, but may not know how. Offer them a way to resolve the issue so that each other's feelings about the relationship return to positive.
- For example: if you feel belittled because your contribution to a joint project is not recognized, explain to your boss how to improve the situation. You could say “Only my name was not included in that big project. I feel my work is not appreciated. At a later date, I would like you to acknowledge the work of all the team members.”
- Another example: if you feel that your partner doesn't appreciate you because he or she doesn't express his feelings clearly, offer several options that can help you feel valued. You could say, "I know you don't like flowers and chocolates, but I want you to occasionally express your feelings in a way that you feel comfortable with. Just a short text can make me feel more appreciated.”
Step 4. Use empathy when you interact with other people
You don't have to fight defensively, and you don't have to pretend to be mean and indifferent to say "no." Expressing concern for the other person's feelings can reduce the tension in an uncomfortable situation and make him want to listen to your concerns.
For example, if your partner always leaves dishes and dirty clothes for you to wash, start by expressing empathy: “I know you care about me, but when it's always me doing the dishes and clothes, I feel more like a helper than a partner. I want you to help me finish this homework. We can do it alternately or together.”
Step 5. Practice what you want to say
Practicing what you are going to say to the other person can be very helpful. Write down a situation or behavior that has made you sad and explain what you would like to change about the situation. You don't have to memorize it word for word. In essence, you must be comfortable with what you are going to say in order to be able to convey it clearly to the person concerned.
- Example: imagine you have a friend who often makes plans with you and then cancels at the last minute. You start to feel belittled because you think he doesn't value your time. You can say something like: “Tina, I want to talk. This has been bothering me for a long time. We often planned to go out together and you canceled it at the last minute. I was frustrated that I couldn't come up with other plans all of a sudden. I feel you don't value my time because I always agree to go with you when you ask. Sometimes I even wonder if you canceled your plans because you didn't really want to go out with me. If we make plans again, I want you to write them down on your agenda so you don't make other plans that conflict with ours. If you really have to cancel, I want you to call me earlier, not a few minutes before."
- Another example: “Sophie, I want to talk about helping look after your child. Yesterday you asked if I could look after your child next week, and I said yes. I agree because I value our friendship and I want you to know that I will be there whenever you need me. But, I've looked after your child a few times this month, and I'm starting to feel like I'm always being taken advantage of. I want you to also ask other people for help, not just me.”
Step 6. Use firm body language
Make sure your words and behavior match so you don't send mixed signals to others. If you have to say no or define your boundaries, firm body language can help the other person understand that you're serious.
- Stand up straight and maintain eye contact. Face your interlocutor.
- Speak in a polite, firm voice. You don't have to scream to be heard.
- Don't chuckle, fidget or put on a funny expression. While this might "soften" your refusal a little, this tactic can also mean you're not serious.
Step 7. Be consistent
Make sure the other person understands that you are serious when you say "no." Don't give in to manipulation or "guilt traps." People may test your limits, especially if you gave up a lot in the past. Set your boundaries firmly and politely.
- Avoid the impression of always being right when you maintain boundaries by not justifying yourself too much. Explanation or overstatement of your perspective will make others see you as arrogant even if you don't mean to.
- For example, if a neighbor often borrows things from you but doesn't return them, you don't have to make a long speech about your right to refuse his request if he borrows something again in the future. Politely communicate that you don't want to lend anything again until he returns the previously borrowed item.
Tips
- Remember to respect the needs of others as well as your own. You don't have to bully others to defend yourself.
- Don't make sacrifices for others unless you really can put in the time, effort, money, etc. Otherwise, you'll probably hate it.
- Show a firm but friendly attitude. Being rude will only make the other person respond more harshly.
- Calming and rational thinking can help if you feel obligated to comply with the other person's requests for fear of losing touch with them. Rational thinking helps you stop making decisions based on fear of other people's reactions.
- Ask what other people think and feel. Don't try to read their minds or make assumptions.
