Humans can't really be lacking. Weakness is the same as imperfection. No human is perfect, so no human is lacking. However, there may be some aspects of your personality, skills, or habits that you don't like. When you understand and love yourself, you will not consider yourself lacking.
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Part 1 of 3: Creating a Realistic Self Image
Step 1. Stop using the word "lack"
Don't call your own flaws "shortcomings." What you lack is really a characteristic of yourself, which you don't need to judge so strongly. Be kind to yourself. Think of your flaws as "unique," "habit," or "my behavior."
- Don't think of your characteristics as flaws. Instead of naming your trait (like "shy" or "quiet," which sounds bad), give it a description. Instead of calling yourself shy, describe yourself as needing time to be friendly with new people.
- Use detailed and gentle words with yourself. Avoid vague and harsh words. Every day, look at your reflection in the mirror, then say, "I really love myself." Say it out loud. Go to the top of a building and shout, "I'm proud of myself!" Let's say, you're a very ugly person. Climb up the roof of your house and shout out loud: "I'm ugly and I'm proud!" People will respect your courage.
- It could be, your "lack" is actually uniqueness. A harmless flaw you don't need to fix. You just have to learn to accept differences.
- Is your "lack" anything useful? There are traits of self that can be good or bad, depending on the situation. This is not a deficiency, but a trait of the self that you need to manage when it arises and to what extent it manifests. For example:
- Stubbornness can mean good, can mean bad. If a person persists even after being proven wrong, that's a bad thing. However, if this stubbornness manifests as tenacity, it is certainly a good thing.
- Perfectionism. A perfectionist will usually arrange things with great detail and precision, and will be very annoyed when something is not to their liking. However, they can thrive in jobs that require perfection, such as surgeons, Olympic athletes, and engineering jobs such as engineers or architects.
Step 2. List all your strengths and abilities
Include everything that comes to your mind. Don't cross out any ability even if you think it's not important or unique. List everything: your patience, kindness, courage, tenacity, taste, intelligence, or loyalty. Sometimes we focus so much on our weaknesses that our strengths are forgotten. If you have a more complete self-image, your view of yourself will be more balanced.
- If you feel too low on yourself to write a list, start by free-writing.
- You can also ask your friends and family. Sometimes there are our strengths and abilities that are only visible to others, but not visible to ourselves and not to ourselves.
Step 3. List the things you are proud of
Write down accomplishments you are proud of, such as goals you achieved, surprising moments for yourself, and difficulties you overcame. You can also boast about your experiences helping others in need, completing certain projects at work or school, or things you've learned. Write down the things you are good at.
Step 4. List, and become aware of, your unique tendencies or needs
Write freely, taking out all the things you do that you really don't want to do. List things about yourself that you would like to change. Write down as much detail as possible, such as "I don't like it when I change skin," instead of "How I look." If you are discussing a specific event, include as much relevant context as possible.
Step 5. Think about your past experiences
Find out where your habits and self-perceptions are coming from. Are your habits and self-perceptions shaped by cultural factors? Or family? Biological? When would a certain habit or self-image appear? Have you ever been ridiculed or criticized by others? Are you absorbing the message that you're not perfect from the ads of companies trying to profit from your lack of self-confidence? If you say something that you later regret, consider whether the mispronunciation was learned from your family's habits, or is it simply your reaction to certain situations.
- If you like to spend money, find out what's causing it: what triggers you to buy too much, how it started when you were just learning to manage your finances, and what you really expect when you shop.
- It will be easier for you to forgive yourself if you understand the various factors in the past.
Step 6. Review your thoughts
Why do you think that the things you mentioned above are "shortcomings"? Is there a positive side to these things? Take a look at your list of strengths and reflect: are there any strengths associated with the traits you consider "weak"? You need to start reviewing your characteristics in a positive way.
- For example, you feel yourself too emotional. Review this thought. Remind yourself that this heightened sentimentality of yours is the reason behind your ability to empathize with those who are always in trouble. It's also the reason many people come to you to "talk".
- Or maybe you feel too excited, but that may be related to the intensity of your creative spirit which is also high.
- Of course, reviewing these thoughts will not change their existing nature. However, you will change your perspective on these traits and this change of perspective makes it easier to accept yourself.
Part 2 of 3: Practicing Total Self-Acceptance
Step 1. Avoid self-criticism
Treat yourself with love and respect. Instead of insulting yourself, talk to yourself calmly. Name the negative thoughts and feelings that arise. For example, "Ah, here comes my mind-too-fat one again!" or, "Well, tonight I had the thought 'everyone knows more than I do'."
Step 2. Accept compliments from others
When you are complimented, respond with "Thank you." If a compliment is delivered in good faith and with sincerity, you shouldn't refuse it. After all, when you turn down a compliment, you're denying the opportunity to relate positively to another person and get positive affirmation from that person. Allow your family and friends to give you positive affirmations.
If you're really feeling stressed, ask someone you care about to describe a good trait you have. Return the compliment, saying "thank you."
Step 3. Be aware when someone tries to insult you
Evil is sometimes disguised as good. Do you have friends who are always trying to show you how bad you are? Is there anyone in your life who is constantly mocking or insulting you, both in public and in private? If you're proud of something, does anyone try to reproach you by acting nonchalant or even sneering?
Get these people out of your life. At the very least, reduce your time with him to a minimum
Step 4. Love yourself before changing yourself
Before you make any major, fundamental changes, you need to accept the condition you are in now. If you try to improve yourself without acknowledging the qualities you already have, you will end up hurting yourself. Self-improvement is useful, but you need to love yourself first. Treat yourself like a beautiful garden that needs to be watered, pruned, flowered, and cared for. Not as a disaster that needs to be addressed.
- For example, if you want better grades, first say: "I'm a smart person, able to work hard, have dreams and ambitions. I can do what I set out to do."
- Instead of saying: "I'm too stupid and lazy. You'll see, on the last exam I failed to pass. The next exam will surely fail again."
- Once these positive thoughts have been built up, come up with a plan to achieve your desired goals.
Step 5. Review your understanding of self-development
If there's something you want to improve, you're not eliminating or hiding a weakness, you're learning a new skill.
- Instead of saying "I'm going to stop being such a jerk," say "I'm going to learn how to be a better listener."
- Instead of saying "I'm going to stop being so prejudiced against other people," say "I'm going to start trying to understand different perspectives and lifestyles from my own."
- Instead of saying "I'm going to lose weight," say "I'm going to try to take better care of my body, exercise more, eat better, and reduce stress."
Step 6. Recognize unrealistic standards
There are many images, beliefs, and concepts, the starting point of which is unrealistic for you or most people in the world. These standards infiltrate your mind through the media, through organizations such as schools, or from friends and family. If you're feeling dissatisfied with yourself, there may be standards like these that you have to contend with. For example:
- Dress like a supermodel. Very few people can look like artists, models, or other similar professions. Most people are not born handsome/beautiful, skinny, or whatever fashion is trending. In addition, they also usually have a group of makeup artists, designers, and graphic artists who help them create the images you see. You're not lacking just because you don't look like them -- you're normal, and that's okay. If you take an unrealistic starting point, of course you will feel unhappy.
- Be the most perfect student. Education focuses a lot on math, science, and general intelligence. Of course they are all important, but not everyone has the same power. Even the most geniuses have failed a test or missed a deadline. It's a sad fact that school doesn't place value on your loving nature as a friend, your artistic or athletic abilities, your tenacity, or your strong adventurous spirit. Not being a perfect student is not a drawback! It's possible that your strengths lie in other areas. You can be a successful adult even if you are not a student genius.
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Your achievements are "out of proportion" to the rest of the family. Maybe you feel deprived because you don't have the qualities that your family is proud of. Maybe you're just different. A balanced and loving family will accept this fact. However, you may find it difficult to be yourself if you are so different from the rest of your family, for example in the following areas:
- Athletic ability/interest
- Intelligence
- Political tendencies
- Trust
- Interest in continuing the family business
- Art skills
Part 3 of 3: Strive for Continuous Self-Acceptance
Step 1. Know the difference between self-development and self-acceptance
It's not that because you totally accept yourself (both good and bad), you stop and don't commit to self-improvement. Self-acceptance simply means you accept yourself, your whole being. You admit that you are fine, even if there are flaws. You accept yourself in the moment, your imperfect and unique self, without any conditions.
If you keep thinking, "I can accept myself when I stop eating a lot and I lose weight," it means you need something before accepting yourself. These terms are always subject to change. You may pursue self-improvement or self-improvement, but don't make it a condition for self-acceptance
Step 2. Know the different ways to seek help
Sometimes feelings of inferiority come naturally. Talk to other people, ask for their support. You don't have to be alone, and you deserve support.
- For example, if you're having trouble at school or work, talk to someone else. They can hear you and help you improve the situation.
- If you often feel negative about yourself, see a doctor to see if you have an anxiety disorder, depression, or body dysmorphic disorder. All of these are treatable. The first step is to visit a doctor.
Step 3. View yourself as an unfinished project
Over time, and as you gain experience, you will come to understand more and more what self-improvement means. Of course, to be mature and wise, you need time and a lot of failure. This could take years. Be patient. You will continue to be disappointed if all the shortcomings must be completed right now. Humans learn, grow, and develop, in one lifetime. For example:
- The brash teenager develops into a responsible adult.
- A grade 3 elementary school student with poor grades turned into a class star after learning several study techniques.
Step 4. Find a support group
There are many support groups for a variety of interests, from learning speech to treating eating disorders. If there's something you want to change, look for support groups in your neighborhood or positive discussion spaces on the internet. With this group, you will learn to understand and accept your qualities and not feel so alone.
In Indonesia there are many support groups for various things, such as Yayasan Pulih (rape trauma recovery), People with HIV/AIDS Have the Right to Health, and so on
Step 5. Hang out with positive people
Spend your time with people who make you feel good about yourself. Limit contact with people who make you feel down. You need to spend time with people who support you and make you happy.
Take the initiative. Invite your friends to go play. Take them out for a walk, chat, or plan something with them
Step 6. Forgive yourself
Even though we really want to, we really can't change the past. Avoid dwelling on your past mistakes, whether they were the result of your decisions or your behavior. You can only admit that mistakes happen and learn from them.
