Unfortunately, society places a lot of emphasis on attractive physical appearance. The “good guys” in movies usually look good, while the “bad guys” don't. There are thousands of images of attractive people who bombard us in advertisements every day. Standards of attractive appearance even filter into things like hiring decisions. It is important to realize that what standards are judged “attractive” is not objective. Attractive appearance is very personal and subjective. Several scientific studies have shown that beauty is really up to the eye of the beholder. Sexual interest is also much influenced by chemistry as well as by physical appearance. Learning to accept and be confident in yourself will help you feel more attractive. And research has shown that just when you think you're attractive, people think the same!
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Method 1 of 3: Challenging Negative Thoughts
Step 1. Remember that your worth is not determined by how you look
People tend to think that “what is beautiful is good.” This is a very narrow and unproductive view. Think about what legacy you want to leave for people to remember you. Is “good looks” at the top of that list? Or are qualities like love, ambition, kindness, determination, and imagination more valuable to you? Everyone has a price and value, and it's not determined by their appearance.
Many of the people who have made a lasting impact on the world do not meet the stereotypical definition of attractiveness. Consider Mother Teresa, a woman who dedicated her life to serving others. Or Stephen Hawking, who has used his lifetime to unravel the riddles of the universe
Step 2. Silence your internal criticism
Your brain tends to focus on unpleasant experiences and information. This is true even when you have more positive experiences than negative. It's tempting to believe that internal criticism, saying "You're not tall enough" or "You're not handsome/beautiful enough" or whatever, is telling the truth. But your brain likely ignores a lot of the amazing things about you to focus on something negative.
Try to choose a mantra, or positive phrase that can normalize your experience and help you feel brave. Repeat these words to yourself when you hear an internal critic speak. For example, you could repeat “I accept myself as I am” or “I am free to make my own decisions about beauty.”
Step 3. Focus on the positives
If you are surrounded by people and media images telling you that you don't look attractive, you will start to believe them. You may end up falling victim to the cognitive distortion of “filtering,” where you only focus on the things you don't like about yourself. Challenge those distortions by finding positive aspects to focus on.
- Try to immediately find a positive element whenever you find yourself thinking something negative about your appearance. For example, if you walk past the mirror and think “Wow, my teeth are so messed up,” take time to balance that thought with something positive: “My smile tells people I'm happy.”
- If you're having a hard time finding anything interesting about yourself, try to start by focusing on the amazing things your body can do. Do you dance, run, laugh, breathe? Learn to appreciate your body for its uses, and you may find it easier to find things you like about your physical appearance.
Step 4. Stop making “should” statements about yourself
Psychologist Clayton Barbeau coined this term, which describes what happens when you begin to think of yourself in terms of “should be”: “I should have the same beauty as a supermodel” or “I should have worn a size 2” or “I should have skin/ hair/eyes/height/weight/whatever is different.” Using “should” statements about ourselves can make us feel guilty and sad.
- For example, one way people feel unattractive is by comparing themselves to unattainable standards such as actors and supermodels. It's easy to believe that we "should" look like the charming people in movies and magazines. Try to remember that in the vast majority of cases, even the models in commercials and magazines don't look like that; Photoshop is often used to change the appearance of people.
- Try to use statements of fact against “should” statements. For example, if you often feel that you "should" have neater teeth, challenge this thought by saying "My teeth are just like that. My teeth are working fine.”
Step 5. Think about whether you would say the same thing to a friend
We often love ourselves less than we love our loved ones. When you find yourself thinking that you look unattractive, consider whether you would criticize a friend for the same. If you wouldn't say that to someone you love, why would you say it to yourself?
For example, a common point of discomfort for many people is their weight. You might look at yourself in the mirror and think "I'm so fat and ugly, no one will ever think I'm attractive." There's no way you'd say that to a friend or family member. You may not be judgmental or even aware of your loved one's weight. Give yourself the same affection you would give to others
Step 6. Challenge all-or-nothing thoughts
The thought of “all-or-nothing,” or totality is another very common way of cognitive distortion. You may completely reject the idea that you are attractive because you have flaws. There is strong pressure to be “perfect” in society. However, everyone has flaws, even famous actors and models too.
- For example, supermodel Cindy Crawford was told to remove a mole on her face because it was “ugly,: Crawford instead made the mole her signature style and became one of the world's most successful supermodels.
- When Aerie, the lingerie brand, stopped using Photoshop on their models, and featured models with “flaws” such as creases and freckles, their sales increased.
Method 2 of 3: Build Your Confidence
Step 1. Practice self-love
Research has shown that self-criticism makes people feel inferior. Self-criticism can also lead to anxiety and depression. Fight self-criticism by learning to do self-love. There are three components of self-love:
- Be kind to yourself. Just as you wouldn't be mean to a friend, you shouldn't be cruel to yourself either. Accept that imperfection is entirely subjective. We can think we are perfect as we are now, even if we know that there are areas in our lives that we would like to improve, and we would be right. There is no universal standard for perfection. Be gentle and be kind to yourself.
- General humanity. It can be easy to feel as though you are the only one experiencing your suffering. Recognize that suffering and imperfection are a natural human condition. This is part of what it means to be human, and we all go through it. Everyone has challenges to face in this life. Life rarely fits our idea of ideal perfection. These idealized ideas of perfection can lead to suffering and rejection of who we really are.
- Awareness. Mindfulness comes from the Buddhist practice of acknowledging your experiences and emotions without judgment. As you learn mindfulness, you will be able to be in the moment, focusing on your present experience.
Step 2. Identify the things that make you feel bad about yourself
Try to write down things that make you feel unworthy or unattractive. Write down how these things affect how you feel. Try not to judge your feelings as you write them down, be open and honest with yourself.
- Next, imagine the point of view of a friend who accepts and loves unconditionally. If you are religious or spiritual, this point of view can come from a person in your tradition. If you are not religious/spiritual, just imagine that you know someone who accepts you for who you are. Don't let this shadow friend judge anything. This friend is just caring, kind, and accepting.
- Write a letter to yourself from this point of view. Imagine what a friend who accepts this will say in response to your thoughts about your shortcomings. How will this friend show his affection for you? How will he remind you of your good qualities? What would he really think about things that you think are “handicap” or “unattractive”?
- Reread the letter when you start to feel lethargic about your appearance. Be aware of the times when these negative thoughts arise. This will help you achieve self-love and self-acceptance, rather than feeling unhappy because you don't live up to an unrealistic picture of perfection.
Step 3. Create your own definition of “attractive appearance
Western culture has a very narrow and artificial definition of what "appearance" means. Too often, good looks mean white, tall, thin, and young. You don't have to accept this (or any other) definition of beauty. Good looks have been scientifically proven to be highly subjective, so let yourself be free from social pressures to follow a certain ideal.
Think about what you find beautiful in your friends and loved ones. Humans tend to choose friends who they find interesting in certain ways. What do you find as beautiful in the people you love? Chances are, your definition of attractive appearance on your friends is broader than the standards you demand of yourself
Step 4. Find the things you like about yourself
Try to make a list of things you like about yourself that have nothing to do with your physical appearance. Consider the qualities in yourself that make you feel good or confident.
- For example, you might think about how much you care about your friends, or how very artistic you are.
- These don't have to be qualities that make you above average or outstanding. The pressure to be extraordinary to have self-worth is actually destructive. Are you a decent cook? Did you get to work on time? These are also things to like.
Step 5. Keep a journal
Journaling is a great way to get in touch with your feelings. Every day, keep a journal when you feel unattractive. Try to be specific: what do you find unattractive? What is your focus? How do you feel about these thoughts? What happened right before and right after this feeling?
Try to identify why you are judging yourself this way. Sometimes, you may criticize your appearance if you are actually dissatisfied with something else about yourself. Stress and anxiety can also affect how you see yourself
Step 6. Practice the habit of gratitude
Research has shown that people who regularly practice the habit of gratitude are happier, more optimistic, and feel less isolated. They may also have a stronger immune system. If you focus on what's good and positive in your life, it's harder to think about what you don't have.
- Gratitude is more than just a feeling of gratitude. Gratitude is an active process. Your brain is used to holding on to negative experiences and letting go of positive experiences, so you have to work against that.
- You can practice gratitude by “absorbing goodness.” Psychologist Rick Hanson explains that this process is one way to help us remember positive emotions and experiences.
- Turn positive facts into positive experiences. This fact doesn't have to be something big. This fact could be something as simple as a stranger smiling at you on the street or noticing flowers blooming in the garden. Look actively around you for these positive moments. Be aware and pay attention to those moments as they occur.
- Make the experience last. Stay with those positive moments for at least a few seconds. The more you pay attention to those positive moments, the more you'll remember them -- and the more you'll notice. Take a “mental photo” or say something to yourself that validates the moment, such as “This moment is so beautiful.”
- Soak up these moments. Try to imagine that the positive experience seeps into you. Relax your body and focus on what all your senses are experiencing. Think about the thoughts that this experience brings up.
Step 7. Go shopping
It's important not to use shopping as a crutch to make you feel better. However, studies have shown that when you wear clothes you like or get a nice new haircut, you can feel more confident. The self-confidence within you will influence how you adjust your posture and show yourself to others. Body language is a key factor in people's ratings of attractiveness.
Don't overspend, or you'll likely end up feeling worse about yourself. Don't feel like you have to buy the entire wardrobe either. Choose one or two nice clothes that make you feel confident wearing them
Step 8. Dress up the body you have
Anxiety about our bodies is a very common source of anxiety about looking good. It can be tempting to wait until you have your “ideal” body before you invest your money in clothes. Or, you may hide your body under clothes because you feel that you are too fat or too small. These things will ruin how you feel about yourself. Buy what fits your current body.
- How you dress has a direct impact on how you feel about yourself. Actors often say that wearing a “costume” helps them get in touch with a character. Dress like the character you want to be, not the character your internal critics say you are.
- Clothing can carry a symbolic meaning. One study found that people who wore lab coats while conducting scientific experiments performed better. If any type of clothing appeals to you, wear it! You may find yourself feeling more attractive too.
- Remind yourself that you are worthy enough to earn these efforts. Wear clothes that you like. Let your clothes express your personality and sense of style.
- Choose clothes that fit your body. Several studies have shown that well-fitting clothing increases other people's perceptions of attractive physical appearance, even when the person wearing the clothing is the same person.
Step 9. Exercise
Exercise is a great way to get in shape, but it also releases endorphins, your body's chemicals that naturally lift your mood. Regular exercise can also increase your self-confidence and reduce anxiety. One study found that moderate exercise over a 10-week period helped people feel more energetic, positive, and calm.
Try not to go to the gym with the idea of "fixing" yourself. It focuses on the negative aspects rather than the positive, and is possibly self-destructive. Research has shown that you may even find your workout to be more difficult than it needs to be if you focus on how bad you feel. Instead, focus on the care you show yourself by keeping yourself -- no matter how you look -- healthy and happy
Step 10. Challenge media ideas about ideal beauty
The airbrush-edited bodies and completely symmetrical features in popular media stereotypes about beauty make people feel as if there is something wrong with them if they can't achieve those unrealistic ideals. But it's not just on TV and magazines. Even beauty products that target the reduction of “flaws,” such as cellulite creams or wrinkle removers, can make people feel worse about themselves.
- The effects that unhealthy media have on us are very real. Scientific research has shown that exposure to unrealistic body depictions leads to marked decreases in mood and increased body dissatisfaction.
- To see how many of these ideal beauties are completely artificial, do an internet search for "magazine Photoshop failure." There is hardly an image out there that has not been altered in some way.
Method 3 of 3: Practice with Others
Step 1. Ask for support from friends
While you don't want to be dependent on others for confidence, it can be helpful to talk to your friends about your feelings. You may find that your friends find interesting things about you that you didn't even notice yourself.
Get a hug! Hugs and physical contact with loved ones release oxytocin. This powerful hormone helps you feel loved and connected to people. This hormone also improves your mood. The physical warmth of a hug might also help you feel better
Step 2. Deal with social anxiety
If you are worried about your appearance, you may avoid going to parties and gatherings because you are worried about how people will see you. You may be afraid of being judged. While it may seem easier to stay at home, it's not going to help you deal with your feelings of insecurity or anxiety at all.
- Rate your fear on a scale from worst to not-so-bad. For example, a hurtful comment delivered directly to you might be worth a 9 or a 10. Talked about might be worth a 7 or 8. What do you think would happen if you attended that social gathering? Write down your predictions and what you fear.
- Test those fears. The only way that will be able to test whether your perception is accurate or not is to test it. Go to the party. Present yourself with confidence and the positivity you have learned. Try not to engage in “safety behavior” such as avoiding eye contact or hiding in a corner of the room.
- Observe what happens. What evidence do you have for your perception? For example, if you're worried that everyone at the party will think you're “too fat” to wear a cocktail dress, consider what evidence you have for that assumption. How do you know that's what they think? Did anyone else at the party in a similar situation experience this? Try to avoid judging things as a disaster. Debate the evil internal critique.
Step 3. Avoid people who give you a negative picture of yourself
People may make jokes or hurtful comments about your appearance without realizing how it affects you. Others may make hurtful remarks because they have not been taught not to judge others. Calmly, let the person know how they hurt your feelings and ask them to stop. If they don't stop their comments, avoid hanging out with them.
- Humans are social creatures, and our moods are often determined by who we spend time with. If you're surrounded by people who focus on appearances, or make you feel bad about yourself, you're more likely to feel insecure about how you look. Fortunately, the opposite holds true: If you're among open, accepting people who don't focus on appearances, you're likely to feel better about yourself too.
- Sometimes, negative comments about your appearance can stem from the person's own feelings of inferiority. These comments are more about how the other person feels about themselves than they relate to you.
- If you are a victim of bullying, violence, or other abusive behavior, you don't have to accept that. Report this behavior to an authority figure (school counselor, HR representative, etc.).
Step 4. Recognize the signs of an eating disorder
Sometimes, you may become so displeased with how you look that you take drastic and dangerous measures to change your body. If you get too hung up on your weight, body shape or size, and your food intake, you may end up adopting harmful behaviors that can lead to an eating disorder. An eating disorder is a serious medical condition, and you should seek professional help immediately to treat it.
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Anorexia nervosa occurs when a person restricts their food intake very strictly. If they eat, they feel very guilty about it. They may compensate by overexercising or vomiting on purpose. Signs of anorexia include:
- Very strict calorie restriction
- Feeling obsessed with the type and quantity of food you eat
- Maintain rigid rules about what you eat
- Feeling “fat” even if you are not overweight
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Bulimia Nervosa occurs when a person binge-eats, eats large amounts of food, then performs cleansing actions such as vomiting, using laxatives, or excessive exercise. As with other eating disorders, bulimia is also associated with an obsession with body shape, weight, or body size. Signs of bulimia include:
- Feeling guilty when eating
- Feeling like you can't control what or how much you eat
- Feeling compelled to eat large amounts of food
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Binge-eating disorder is a relatively new diagnosis, but it is also a recognized medical disorder. The difference between this disorder and the other major eating disorders is that binge-eating does not involve "compensatory" measures such as vomiting intentionally or exercising excessively. The symptoms of binge-eating include:
- Feeling like you can't control what or how much you eat
- Feeling guilty or disgusted during or after eating
- Eat when you are not hungry or even when you are full
Step 5. Don't deal with very negative thoughts yourself
Mild feelings of inferiority can usually be eliminated by making small changes to your mindset and habits. However, serious body image disorder is a very real medical condition and requires professional help. If the bad or low self-esteem or similar feelings you have are so intense that they keep you from doing the things you love, or you feel like you could hurt yourself, seek help from a mental health professional.
- There are a wide variety of mental health professionals. Psychiatrists and Nurse Practitioners Psychiatrists usually prescribe medication, and they can also offer therapy. Psychologists, Registered Clinical Social Workers, Registered Marriage and Family Therapists, and Registered Professional Counselors may also offer therapy.
- Some people believe the myth that seeking help is a sign of weakness. You may think that you "should" be able to handle your own feelings. Remember how destructive "should" statements are. Seeking help is a brave and caring thing you do for yourself!
Tips
- Write positive slogans about yourself and put them in your mirror.
- Find a close friend or family member to whom you can complain when you feel bad. A hug and a little verbal comfort from a loved one can go a long way.
