Did you know that in the period 2010-2015, the divorce rate in Indonesia increased 80 percent?. This means opening up the possibility for divorced individuals to marry which leads to problems that are not easy to solve. The issues that arise as a result of a second marriage after a divorce or the death of a spouse are very complex and it is practically impossible to find a perfect solution. However, there are many things you can do to help your child deal with and accept your decision to remarry.
Step
Part 1 of 2: Working with Spouse for the Interests of Children
Step 1. Ask your partner to establish a relationship with your child
Couples don't have to act like parents right from the start. Try to encourage your partner to act like a supervising sibling, rather than a parent. Ask your partner to focus on the relationship, not the parental role that encourages discipline. Encourage him to be in a relationship together, just the two of them, and not involve you.
- However, you can ask your partner to continue to be responsible for the attitude and discipline of your baby until your partner and you already have a solid relationship.
- Your partner can monitor your child's behavior and report it to you, instead of reprimanding him outright.
Step 2. Discuss parenting with a new partner
Discuss the roles of each party. Will your partner be both the parent of your child, or will you be the only parent? Tell him what you want, get him to say what he wants, and say what you think is best for your child. Of course when adapting to a new family structure, you will face difficulties.
- Try to clarify the role of the spouse with the child. Can couples mediate fights? Can he punish your child? What consequences and rules can your partner apply to your child?
- You have to think in terms of a lifetime. Maybe right now you have a certain way as a parent, but over time, you can slowly change roles as the cohesiveness in the family begins to be felt.
Step 3. Don't rush into the process of mixing families
Know that your child needs time to adapt to this new life. Especially if the couple also has children and you will all be living together. Don't try to immediately apply a different rule. Instead, try to follow similar family rules and ask your partner to follow them too. Then, slowly, try to change things according to your family
Step 4. Don't fight with your partner in front of your child
Positive partner relationships and low levels of marital conflict help children to adjust better. While fighting is normal and often a healthy thing in a marriage, don't get your child involved in an argument or do it in his presence. Tell your child that sometimes fights happen but that doesn't change the situation or means that you and your partner are going to divorce or that your child is the cause of the fight.
Try to fight when the child is not at home
Step 5. Monitor your child's development
Remarriage is more difficult for teenagers to accept than younger children. The teenager is approaching the threshold where he is trying to achieve his independence and therefore he too will try to separate himself from the family and go his own way. It could be that your child actually does not want to have a relationship with this new family. Therefore he can be disinterested or aloof. Younger children may exhibit behavioral changes such as stumbling or throwing tantrums to express the stress they are experiencing.
Younger children can find it easy to form a relationship with your new partner. But it really comes back to your child
Part 2 of 2: Respect Your Child's Feelings
Step 1. Be careful not to destroy the fantasy
Your child may have fantasies that you and your ex-spouse might get back together, or that there will always be room in your home for your deceased spouse. When a new figure arrives, it threatens his fantasy. Watching their parents remarry can traumatize children and consider it a tragedy.
Try to be sensitive to the child's feelings and discuss the matter. Ask him how he feels about your new marriage and if your child feels sad to see you and your ex or deceased partner no longer together. Make sure the discussion is honest and deep, and allow your child to share all his feelings and concerns
Step 2. Realize the child's loyalty
Divorce and remarriage can confuse children. Your child may feel like he or she has to choose between you and an ex-spouse. Maybe your child likes your new partner but feels this is a betrayal of his other biological parent so he's having a hard time accepting your new marriage because of his loyalty to your ex-spouse.
- Give your child permission to love the new people in your ex's house, and give your child time to accept your new partner.
- Don't speak ill of your ex-spouse or new partner, especially in front of your children. This can be very confusing.
Step 3. Have a heart-to-heart talk with your child
Sit down with your child and talk about feelings. You can share your feelings, but it's best to focus on giving your child time to express his feelings in a safe place. When talking to your child, say:
- It's okay if you are confused about a new person in your life.
- It's okay if you're sad about the divorce (or the death of your father/mother).
- You don't have to love your new partner, but you do have to respect them, just as you respect your teacher.
- If you feel trapped in my house or your mother/father's house, please let me know. We will do our best to stop this situation.
- It's okay if you feel the need to talk to someone, such as a counselor or therapist, about how difficult the situation is.
Step 4. Listen to your child's concerns
Your child may be afraid he or she will have to move or share a room with a half-sibling. Your child may be worried about what will happen to their daily play routine, vacation plans and activities in general. Try to be honest and explain how change has always been difficult for everyone but there will be very good changes with this new family situation. Tell me what really good changes are coming, such as more vacations or the child getting a bigger room.
Show how life would be easier with more people to help now
Step 5. Reassure your child that you love him
Even if your child is getting along well with your new partner, watching his parents remarry often brings back the pain he felt when you divorced or your spouse died. Also, because of feelings of loyalty or fear of betraying their mother or father, your child may even refuse to participate in or help with your new marriage. It is important to reassure your child that you understand and respect his decisions, and that you always love him.
- When your child seems scared or anxious, remind him that no matter how things change and how stressful things are, you will always love him. The love you have for your child will not change, no matter what.
- Allow your child to have a choice when he or she has a strong opinion of something, but try to discuss why your child feels that way.
- Whatever happens, this new marriage will continue because adults have the right to make decisions about their lives.
Step 6. Make it clear that love between two adults is not something a child can change
Gently, try to make your child understand that he can control the games, homework and dress, but he can't influence his parents' love life, whether it's a divorce or a new marriage. When discussing it, never use negative words about him because the child can blame himself. Make sure that your child doesn't have these negative feelings.
- Tell your child that one person's happiness is not the same as another's sadness. There is always room for the whole family to feel happy after a new marriage.
- Reassure him that when it comes to heart, feelings and love, many things can't be explained and they just happen.
Step 7. Try to be patient
. The problem of children constantly resisting a new marriage that makes him rebellious and angry can't be solved overnight. Try talking to your ex-spouse so he or she will help your child through this transition. Show openly to your child that you and your ex-spouse both prioritize them in your discussions. This is not the time to discuss past pain, but the time to put your child first.
