This actually happens to both men and women. Do you find yourself in a strange and destructive relationship? Do you feel like your old friends are drifting away, or your family is telling you you're not the same anymore? Before you can find yourself again, you need to find out if your relationship was the cause, if so, you need to end the destructive cycle.
Step
Step 1. Evaluate honestly:
Healthy your relationship? Be objective when analyzing how things have changed since the relationship started.
Step 2. Ask yourself if you are in an abusive relationship
Check out the list from the University of Virginia below, and answer honestly without justifying your partner's behavior. Just answer yes or no. If you answered yes a lot, you are most likely in a controlling relationship:
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Is your partner:
- Embarrass you in front of your friends and family?
- Underestimating your accomplishments or underestimating your goals?
- Makes you feel like you can't make decisions?
- Using intimidation, guilt, or threats to gain approval?
- Say what you can and can't wear?
- Saying what should you do with your hair?
- Saying you are nothing without him, or he is nothing without you?
- Being rude to you?
- Calling you multiple times at night and showing up to make sure what you said was true?
- Using drugs or alcohol as an excuse to hurt you?
- Blame you for how he acts and feels?
- Pressures you sexually for something you're not ready for?
- Makes you feel “there is no way out” from this relationship?
- Preventing you from doing what you want, like spending time with your friends and family?
- Prevent you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight under the pretext of “teaching you a lesson”?
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Do you:
- Are you sometimes afraid of how your partner will act or react?
- Feeling responsible for your partner's feelings?
- Constantly making excuses for your partner's selfishness?
- Do you believe that you can help your partner change if you change yourself?
- Trying not to do anything to make your partner angry or disappointed?
- Feel whatever you do, your partner will never like it?
- Always do what your partner wants, not what you want?
- Holding on to your partner just because you're afraid of what your partner will do if you separate?
Step 3. Evaluate how your other relationships have changed?
Do relationships with your family and friends increase in tension every time your partner's name is mentioned? A red flag when everyone you care about is being marginalized by your partner.
- Is this person bringing out your best, or is it the other way around? Are you becoming more and more like your partner who distances you from your family and friends even more?
- Be careful how your partner behaves with your family and friends, especially if he or she is mean to them, argues, or acts rudely.
- Have you noticed that it becomes easier not to spend time with your family and friends before meeting your partner, than it is to try to get your partner to join you?
- If you're social, do you just spend time with your partner's family and friends, and feel isolated?
Step 4. Recognize your blindness to your partner's faults
Infatuation isn't a bad thing. In fact, it may be good and necessary. However, this is not the main thing. Sometimes this can blind you from all the faults of your partner, even though many people have told you. Ask yourself:
- Are you apologizing or protecting your partner for their wrongdoing to you? If you become protective when someone asks about your relationship, you may already feel that there is a problem in your relationship.
- Remember that people in healthy relationships have nothing to hide, even though they have a right to privacy and healthy relationships don't require them to reveal every aspect of their relationship. Honestly, when the relationship is healthy, your friends and family will realize that the person makes you happy, and they will be happy with your relationship.
- Realize if your plans always fail because of the wishes of your partner. In fact, you always change plans to do what he wants, meet his friends.
- All relationships with your friends so far have begun to be replaced with friends of your partner or new friends you have known since your relationship with your partner. If so, maybe your partner wants to make himself the main part of your life.
Step 5. When talking to your partner's friends, do they ever tell you what your partner did and you just fell silent and said, “Huh?
But he is different from me?” Do you then blame what you hear even though it's actually true? This is a danger sign.
- When you are being controlled or manipulated, it is usually through things that are not entirely true, not mere lies. There is enough quirk to make you stop and think, but not enough to make you evaluate your entire relationship.
- If this happens more than once, STOP, and remind yourself that this isn't the first time you've felt this way. Start analyzing the conflict between what your partner says and what your friend says. If you have a lot, call them. If the reaction is unsatisfactory, this is the time to evaluate it right now. Don't delay.
Step 6. Maintain your support system
Being away from your friends and family makes him even more dominant and makes you think that this is your decision.
- Watch for when this controlling partner treats your friends and family in an unpleasant way, such as creating drama and tension between them, or by making unclear excuses.
- It's much easier for him to control you when you've decided that there's too much tension between your loved one and your partner, and that in the end, you have nowhere to turn but to your partner.
Step 7. Recognize excessive jealousy and possessiveness
If your partner protects you, that's sweet. But if it's too much, it's scary. See if he always asks where you are. Does he interrogate you if you come home late. Was the question too intense? Does your partner say you don't care if you spend time with your friends?
Step 8. Look at double standards and no-win situations
Does your partner have different standards for his actions and yours? For example, he doesn't mind being two hours late where he gets very angry when you are 5 minutes late. A no-win situation is when you are guilty of whatever you do – if you save money, you are stingy. But if you spend it, you are wasteful. Whatever you do, it's always wrong. Both of these patterns are common in manipulative and controlling relationships.
Step 9. Be careful with romantic actions after repeated abusive behavior
Your partner just acted very rudely then apologized, said they realized they were wrong, and promised to change. They're getting better and more convincing, but it's part of controlling. This is a way to keep you interested. Usually they will act rude again not long after that.
At this point, maybe he can say teary-eyed asking you to help him change, especially when you say you won't tolerate this kind of behavior anymore. They may be able to give you a gift. Over time, you may think that you deserve such treatment, and that your partner is the best. Don't believe this, you deserve better than that, and that's exactly what you should have
Step 10. Stop scolding yourself for loving that person
Realize they do look amazing and you don't have to hurt yourself for being attracted to them. Such a person is usually a combination of high intellect and talent with low self-confidence.
- Manipulative and controlling people can't let things happen naturally. They have to control it or it will “go away” from it. So they really control that, sometimes in ways that might not be imagined. Moreover, they are usually handsome, smart, funny, and attractive. That's why you fell in love with him.
- However, you must realize that they are using your love to get you stuck in the relationship. It is you who can break this cycle.
Tips
- Don't deny all the opinions of your friends and family. They really care about you. One person you may not notice, but many people should. Did they say you've been acting weird lately? Does the person you love and respect express disapproval of your partner? Ask yourself, was my mother (for example) right about everything, but wrong about this – the new boyfriend? And if more than one of your immediate family members have a bad opinion of your partner, you should pay attention to that.
- Make sure your relationship is a two-way relationship, and that your partner is giving and receiving. For example, when he is more concerned with you going out with you than you studying for tomorrow's exam, this is certainly a bad sign. Manipulative relationships will continue to force you to choose the things that are important to you or your partner's life. Giving back in a relationship doesn't mean showering you with affection and gifts. But it also means working together on things that aren't romantic as well.
- Resist the temptation to become bitter with your experiences. You've survived those tough situations and lived to retell them!
- End unhealthy relationships.
- The key to the whole discussion is the recognition that this kind of control occurs frequently. The purpose of this article is to help you evaluate your relationship. Since these markings can be subtle, it is helpful to see a collection of signs. One sign may not be a problem. Four or five signs, talk to your friends and family. If they confirm that sign, it might be time for you to evaluate your relationship.
- Controlling someone often ends a relationship before you do. Your partner will become detached and apathetic with you. But unless he ends the relationship, he'll freak out if you leave, and spend hours berating you for what you did.
- Don't be evil. You don't have to be like him to go. Just say you are not compatible and do not want to continue this relationship. Point. Do not try to show all the signs above. People like this won't notice. It's like teaching a pig to sing, just wasting your time.
- Recognize that everyone can be manipulative and controlling. But when you start to notice many of the signs above it's time to take a closer look at your relationship and determine if it's really an equal and equal relationship.
- If a controlling person ever threatens you, take it seriously. Don't underestimate what he can do. Seek help if necessary.
- Confess to your friends and family. Apologize to them for being away from them or for not respecting their opinion of your former partner. Tell them you should have listened to them. They will be very happy to realize that this is all over.
- If you feel your relationship is unhealthy, don't hold it in, break up immediately.
- If their actions and words are not the same, pay attention to their actions. Decide based on their actions rather than their words. Often the apology is insincere and means "Sorry you didn't like it, but I'd do it again."
Warning
- People who like to control and manipulate like this are usually caused by external factors such as mental disorders or parental treatment. You can't hope to save this person. What you can do is avoid them or take them to professional help.
- If he shows up at your door after breaking up, don't open the door if you're home alone. Make sure someone else is with you if you decide to talk to him (not recommended). The best thing you can do is cut off contact with him.
- Compassion is not easy for this person to understand, and will only hurt both of you in the end. Breaking up with her may be a bit harsh, but it ends all confrontation and forces her to move on or seek help.
- Be aware of follow-ups or threats, including threats to those around you as well. Don't decide for yourself whether this threat is serious. Report to the police.
- The possibility of violent and malicious actions is more likely to develop from such a person. If you feel threatened, report the authorities and take steps to make yourself safer such as never going out alone for a while.
