Calming someone who is grieving can make you feel helpless. Often, you can't do anything to help the person. But simply being by his side and willing to listen is the most important step you can take.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Knowing What to Say
Step 1. Open a conversation
Let the person know that you recognize that they are sad and that you are willing to listen. If you don't know the person well, you can come up with reasons why you want to help.
- For example, if you know the person, say, “I think you're in trouble right now. Want to say?"
- If you don't know him well, say, “Hello, I'm Joni. I'm also a student here and I saw you crying earlier. I know I'm just a stranger, but if you want, I can listen to what you have to say."
Step 2. Say it as it is
It may be tempting not to talk about the problem if you already know what the problem is. If the person recently lost a loved one or if he just broke up with his girlfriend, you may not want to say what the problem is because you don't want to hurt the person's feelings. However, he did know the problem and had probably thought about the situation. Asking the issue he's going through clearly shows that you care and are willing to work on it without hiding it so that both of you can feel relieved.
For example, you might say, “I heard your father recently passed away. It must be really heavy, huh? You want a story?"
Step 3. Ask him how he feels
One way to help start a conversation is to ask how the grieving person is feeling. In many situations, a person will feel more than one emotion, even when they are sad, so leaving them open with all their emotions can help.
For example, if his parents died after suffering from a long-term complication of illness, of course he would feel sad. But maybe he was relieved that the illness was gone and he too would feel guilty for thinking that way
Step 4. Keep an eye on the person who is grieving
It's tempting to compare what he's going through with something you've been through in the past. But when someone is sad, they don't want to listen to what you've been through. He wants to talk about the problems he faces in the present.
Step 5. Don't try to turn the conversation positive
There is a natural tendency for someone to help a grieving person feel better, by showing the positive side. But when you do, he'll feel like you're covering up the problem: he'll feel like his feelings don't matter. Just listen without trying to point out the positive side of things.
- For example, try not to say, “Well, at least you're alive”, “It's not that bad”, or “Cheer up!”.
- Instead, if you have to say something, try something like, “It's okay if you feel sad; You are going through a difficult problem.”
Part 2 of 3: Learn to Listen Mindfully
Step 1. Understand what the person wants to hear
Often times, people who are crying or grieving just need someone to listen to them. Don't try to advise him and offer solutions.
You may be able to offer a solution when the conversation is almost over, but at first, focus on listening
Step 2. Show that you understand
One way to listen attentively is to repeat what the other person is saying. So you can say, "All I hear from you is that you're sad because your friend isn't paying attention to you."
Step 3. Don't get distracted
Keep talking. Turn off the TV. Keep your eyes away from the phone.
Part of staying focused isn't daydreaming either. Also, don't just sit back and try to think about what to say next. You also have to understand what he's saying
Step 4. Use body language to show that you are listening
The trick is to make an eye box. Nod when he says something. Smile at appropriate times or show your concern by frowning.
Also, keep your body language open. This means don't cross your arms and legs, and point your body in front of the person
Part 3 of 3: Finishing the Conversation
Step 1. Recognize your powerlessness
Most people feel helpless when faced with a friend who is in trouble. This is a natural feeling, and you most likely won't know what to say to the person. However, just knowing the facts and saying that you will always be by his side is enough.
For example, you could say, "I'm sorry you had to go through something like this. I don't know how to make this any better, and I know words just aren't enough. But, I want you to know that I will always be by your side when you need it."
Step 2. Offer a hug
If you feel comfortable doing so, offer him a hug. It's always best to ask beforehand because some people are uncomfortable with physical contact, especially if they've been through a trauma.
For example, say, “I want to hug you. Do you want to be hugged?”
Step 3. Ask about the next step
While there's not always a solution to knowing what problems a person is going through, sometimes just making plans can make him feel better. Therefore, now is the time to gently offer a solution if he really looks confused; if he actually knows what went wrong, encourage him to talk about it and plan what he's going to do next.
Step 4. Talk about therapy
If your friend is going through a lot of trouble, it's okay to ask if he or she has thought about seeing a counselor. Unfortunately, seeing a counselor carries a lot of social stigma, but if your friend has been in trouble for a while, you can find a professional.
Of course, the stigma about seeing a counselor is unfair. You may have to convince your okay lover to see a counselor. You'll be helping to combat stigma by letting your friend know that you still see them as the same person even if they need a little help
Step 5. Ask if there is anything you can do
Even if the person wants to talk once a week or just wants to eat brunch once in a while, you may be able to help. You can also help offer services that address difficult issues, such as supporting someone who has just received a certificate that a loved one has died. Open up the conversation to see if he needs anything.
If the person seems unsure about asking you for help, offer more concrete suggestions. For example, “I want to help. I can take you somewhere if you need to, or I can help bring food there, for example. Tell me anything you need.”
Step 6. Be sincere
If you offer help of any kind, make sure you actually do it. For example, if you say, "Please just call me and we'll talk later," that means you're setting aside other activities to chat. Likewise, if you're offering something, like taking her to therapy, be someone who actually comes along and does it.
Step 7. Ask him again
Most people find it difficult to approach someone when they need help, especially emotional help. Therefore, don't forget to keep asking how they are from time to time. It's important to be around him when he needs it.
