When someone we know is grieving the loss of a loved one, it is usually difficult for us to decide what to do to help or comfort them. If you're in this position, you may also feel uncomfortable or unsure and would like to just wait for him to approach, but you should try to approach him and express your condolences. Then, try to offer emotional support by being a listener. You can also cheer him up through practical actions, such as cooking, cleaning, or even taking care of some of his business.
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Method 1 of 3: Calling After Hearing the News of the Death
Step 1. Choose the right time to talk
Every time you interact with him, make sure he's in the right mental state to talk. He may be very sad or dealing with another critical issue. Ask if this is a good time before you start talking too much. It's also a good idea to talk alone, if possible.
- People who are grieving are also very sensitive about receiving gifts, even after a funeral. So if you approach him when he's alone, he's more likely to accept your help.
- On the other hand, don't wait for the "perfect" timing and make it an excuse not to call. There won't be a "right" time to talk, but you should be able to feel when it's a better time. For example, if she's talking to the funeral director or arguing with her child, you might want to just wait.
Step 2. Offer sympathy
After you learn about the death, try to contact him immediately. You can email, but calling or coming in person is better. You don't need to say much at this first opportunity, just say, "I'm sorry," followed by a positive comment about the deceased. You can also promise to contact him again as soon as possible.
- You have to say something sincere and sympathetic. If you're not sure what to say, try "I don't know what to say, but I'll always be there for you."
- If he doesn't know you personally, make sure you introduce yourself quickly and say that you know the deceased. Otherwise, he may not be comfortable talking to you. You can say, "My name is Budi Hartono, I work with Mas Tono in the UI lab."
- If he seems a bit curt or in a hurry, don't be offended. The burden he felt was immense and he was not acting as usual.
- There are some things that shouldn't be said. In general, you shouldn't say "go on" in this initial chat. You should also avoid the clichés "He's in heaven", "It's time he was summoned", "You have to be strong", "I know exactly how you feel", or "Everything must have a silver lining". The grieving person doesn't want to hear it and your words will likely not be appreciated. Instead, say your condolences short and simple, and say that you will help.
Step 3. Offer specific help
The next time you talk, it's a good idea to repeat the help you've already offered. Try to be as specific as possible. He'll know that you can really help and that you can. Choose a particular favor and think about how long it will take for it.
- For example, if your time is limited, offer to pick up leftover flowers from the funeral and donate them to a hospital or other charity.
- Many people will offer general help, such as "Call me if you need to," instead suggesting that the bereaved person asks for help first. However, he may hesitate to ask for anything or bother others. So it's a good idea to offer specific help, "I'll bring food tomorrow so you don't have to cook. That's okay, right?"
Step 4. Accept the rejection well
If he declines your offer, you may want to leave it alone or try again later. No offense. It's possible he's received a lot of offers and isn't sure which one to take.
You could say, "I understand your doubts. Shall we talk again next Sunday?"
Step 5. Avoid sensitive subjects
During the chat, try to consider what words are acceptable. Basically, don't joke unless you know him very well. Also, don't discuss the cause of death unless you know the person very well. If you touch on a sensitive subject, he may think you're a gossip hunter and not being sincere.
Method 2 of 3: Offering Emotional Entertainment
Step 1. Call or text frequently
In the long run, try to stay in touch. Not only do you need to be by his side when the grief is new, but also when he's having a hard time moving on. Check your schedule and try to make time as comfortable as possible a few times a week to call or text.
- It would be nice if you contact him during holidays or holidays because that's when loneliness and negative feelings usually arise.
- Try not to cross the line between helpful and annoying. There are some people who just want to grieve without interacting with many people. Try to find out what he needs, don't force your presence. At the end of the conversation, try saying, "How about I call back next week, just to check if everything's okay?"
Step 2. Offer to accompany him
There are some people who feel physical loneliness after the death of a loved one. They miss the presence of someone else they can trust in the home. If you think that's the case, feel free to offer to stay a few nights at his house, especially until the funeral.
Make your offer more interesting by suggesting an activity she enjoys, like spending the night knitting or watching an action movie
Step 3. Give him a chance to talk about the past
Show that you are open to discussing the life and death of the deceased. You can start by saying the name of the deceased and see if he or she will respond. You can also talk about certain memories to test if he'll join in on the conversation.
You could say, "Remember Sarah really liked this movie? I always enjoyed watching her."
Step 4. Do what he wants
It was possible that he did not want to discuss the deceased. Instead, he may want to talk about trivial things, like what movie you saw last. If he changes the direction of the conversation or says, "I don't want to talk about that right now," go with what he wants and talk about something else or end the conversation at this point.
Step 5. Offer silent entertainment
Entertainment can not only be given by talking. You can sit next to him or hug him. You can also give him a tissue if he cries. Or, if you prefer, you can hold her hand or arm. With this gesture, he will know that you are there for him without adding to the burden.
Step 6. Attend a memorial service for the deceased
Usually, there are certain events after the funeral to remember and pray for the deceased. Even if some time has passed, show that you are always there to help and are there too. You can also make suggestions, such as building something or donating on behalf of the deceased.
Step 7. Offer to accompany him in a support group
If you notice that he's not coping well with loss, suggest he join a support group. Groups like this exist in cities or the internet. Funeral homes or hospitals can also offer support. Make sure you offer to accompany her or she will be offended by your suggestion.
This is a very sensitive subject so you have to be careful with it because he could be offended. For example, say, "I hear a group is meeting to talk about loved ones who have left. I'm not sure if you fit that approach, but if you want, I'd be happy to accompany you."
Method 3 of 3: Offering Practical Entertainment
Step 1. Be an information channel
After being left behind, it is likely that the grieving person will be overwhelmed by the people who want information from him or her. So, offer to write news on his social media and monitor his account. You can also contact the insurance company as soon as possible.
- Some of these tasks also involve a lot of paperwork, such as death certificates. These documents are usually requested by banks and utility companies if accounts need to be closed.
- You can also set up a telephone line if the deceased is a famous person and there are many people who need to be contacted immediately.
Step 2. Assist with the funeral service
This is a big business to deal with so you can help in many ways. You can meet with the funeral home. This involves a discussion of funeral expenses or special requests from the deceased. You can also write or publish obituaries. You can also write thank you notes or arrange donations to specific charities.
On the day of the funeral, you can help the bereaved by acting as a receptionist or helping them prepare. You can also act as a liaison between him and the funeral director
Step 3. Offer to cook and clean the house
Most grieving people don't have the time or desire to do homework. Use your cooking talents to prepare simple meals, especially those that can be refrigerated for reheating. Clean the house, pay attention to the areas that are used the most. And of course, make sure you ask permission first.
Step 4. Find ways to help financially
If the deceased leaves without leaving enough funds to pay for the funeral and other matters, the bereaved person must find a way to pay for all these costs. See if you can help with the fundraiser online or in person. There are a number of specialized sites that serve this purpose.
