It's sad when people we care about are grieving, but we can't do anything to get rid of their pain. Imagine this situation: your best friend is struggling to come out of a slump after her father died, but you know that you will never be able to help bring her father back. Don't you feel devastated by that too? You are not a magician who can immediately eliminate everyone's sadness. But at least, you have the widest possible space to show concern for them. Don't ever think that you can't do anything. Read on to find out what simple comforts you can give to those closest to you who are grieving.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Providing Live Consolation
Step 1. Hug your friend if he allows it
Physical touch is the first universal language for every human being. If the people closest to you are having problems, offer your touch and give them a big hug. A warm hug – even if it feels simple – is not only effective in easing a person's anger and resentment, it can also relieve cardiovascular stress. Low levels of stress will automatically reduce the chances of your friends getting sick.
- Before doing so, ask permission first; Remember, some people don't like to be touched.
- Hug or cuddle your friend, then gently rub his back until he's completely calm. If he cries, let him cry on your shoulder.
Step 2. Encourage your friend to express his emotions
If he seems to be struggling to hide or suppress his emotions, let him know that showing emotions is not a crime. Many people feel guilty if they have to show negative emotions; they are often afraid of being judged because they are considered unable to contain their emotions. Let him know that you won't judge him, no matter how negative his emotional expression is.
- Tell him, “You really look stressed. Don't be afraid, I'll always be here whenever you want to let go of your emotions okay?” or “If you want to cry, cry”.
- According to psychologists, experiencing negative emotions is as important as experiencing positive emotions. Negative emotions teach us that life is not always on top. In addition, expressing negative emotions can actually help improve a person's mental health.
Step 3. Offer to do whatever activity he wants
Maybe your friend feels lazy to go out and prefers to watch TV or read gossip magazines all day. Maybe he's ready to share his feelings, or it's the other way around. Maybe he wants to shop all day long, or he just wants to sleep all day in his room. Whatever he wants, free yourself from all distractions and focus completely on your friend's needs.
No need to set a special agenda; just show your presence. Even so, it never hurts to prepare some ideas in case your friend wants to do something but is too lazy to think. There were times when he just didn't want to do anything; if this happens, just accompany him through his daily life
Step 4. Bring something to your friend's house
If you know of something that can bring your friend back to life, make sure you take it with you when you visit their home. Realize that his condition will not necessarily improve even if you have brought his favorite ice cream. But at least he knows that you're trying to fix his feelings. Trust me, he will really appreciate your efforts.
For example, you could take your favorite blanket or a pile of favorite movies to your friend's house (of course you don't have to force her to watch it if she doesn't want to). You can also bring a big box of delicious ice cream that you can eat together before bed
Step 5. Be willing to lend a hand
If your friend's emotions are still unstable, he or she likely won't be able to clean the house, buy groceries, or walk the dog. This is where your role is needed. Help your friends do things they can't do yet; release the additional stress that squeezes his daily life. In addition, you can also bring things that your friends and/or family need to get through these difficult times.
- You can also call and ask, “I knew you wouldn't have time to clean the house or go shopping at the market. I happen to be going to the market soon, do you want me to bring something from there?”
- Buy items that are useful, such as disposable plates. Most likely, they need it to facilitate arriving guests. You can also buy simple but useful items like tissue and herbal tea.
Part 2 of 3: Providing Comfort from afar
Step 1. Call your friends
Call him and show your condolences for what happened to him. Don't be upset if your friend won't (or won't) pick up the phone right away. It could be that he's not ready to share his problems with other people or he just needs to calm down. Don't force it; he'll call you when he's ready anyway. While waiting for his response, continue to leave a message in his voice mail: let him know that you wish him the best.
- Tell him, “Hey X, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I know right now you may be busy or don't want to talk to anyone. Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you here. Whenever you need me, I'll always be there to help you, okay?”
- Many people do not know how to entertain; As a result, they prefer to remain silent. Even if you don't know what kind of words of comfort to say, your willingness to think about it and take the situation seriously will surely be appreciated.
Step 2. Offer to check its condition periodically
There are times when people just say “call me if you need me” to a grieving friend. If you say that to your friend, chances are he won't, especially since he doesn't want to burden you. It's a good idea to let your friends know when you'll be contacting them; at least he knows that he can depend on your consolation.
Leave a message or say that you will be checking in with him regularly. For example, tell him, "Thursday after work, I'll call you again to ask how you're doing."
Step 3. Practice reflective listening skills
Sometimes, all one needs is people who will listen to the story. Therefore, give a gift of willingness to listen to your friend. Listen carefully to whatever he's saying (tone, words, and hidden messages he doesn't convey), concentrate and don't let your mind run all over the place, and ask questions to clarify what he's saying; show that you are really listening.
After your friend has finished speaking, repeat the words in your own language. After that, tell him that even if you don't have a magic wand that can solve the problem, you listened to him and will always be there for him. You can say, “I heard you just had a problem. Really, I feel sad too. I hope you know I will always be there for you.” Even such a simple statement could mean a lot to him
Step 4. Send a “gift” that shows you care
Maybe you really can't come directly to his house. However, you can still show your concern by sending a few things that he needs. What you send really depends on who your friends are and what kind of situation they are in.
If your friend recently broke up with her partner, try sending her a delicious lunch or her favorite women's magazine to distract her. If someone close to your friend recently died, you can send him quotes from the Bible or other motivational books that can lift his spirits after a loss
Part 3 of 3: Avoiding Offensive Stance
Step 1. Don't pretend to understand the situation
Everyone will definitely show a different reaction to the same situation. Even if you have experienced similar problems, don't say Don't worry, this pain is only temporary, really. Back when I experienced it,…” Your friend wants his feelings to be acknowledged, not underestimated. Show your empathy.
One form of empathy is trying to put yourself in the situation. Even if you know what it's like to run into the problem, don't try to generalize the situation. The experience was new to him; It's natural for him to feel down. Show your support and empathy by saying, “I know you're hurting. I wish I could do something to help you.”
Step 2. Save your advice
When someone you care about is hurting, your normal reaction is to find a solution right away. In some cases, the only cure for the pain is time or hope. You may be upset that you can't give him helpful advice. But believe me, he needs your presence far more – not advice – from you.
Step 3. Save your cliches
When those closest to us have problems, we tend to give clichéd advice or comments, don't help anyone, and actually have the potential to make the situation worse. Avoid making unsupportive, unhelpful, and cliché comments such as:
- There is always a reason for everything that happens
- Time will heal your wounds
- Come on, it's fate
- The situation could be worse than this anyway
- What has happened, let it happen
- The changes you see are only superficial. Take a closer look; basically, nothing really changes, really.
Step 4. Consider your friend's response to spiritual comfort
Offering to pray for your friend (or asking him to pray) is a natural thing to do in these situations. But if your friend isn't religious, an agnostic, or even an atheist, spiritual consolation won't do him any good. Consider your friend's spiritual condition and offer the comfort they feel most comfortable with.
Tips
- As much as possible, don't feel depressed. Getting into depression isn't going to help anyone. Therefore, stay strong for the sake of your friends; what she needs is help and support, not friends to cry on.
- Don't put too much pressure on yourself. If you can't take good care of yourself, how can you take care of others? Don't put the entire burden of other people's lives on your shoulders. You can help him, but make sure you also give him space to heal in his own way.
- Be careful in what you say and act. People who are grieving will usually turn out to be more sensitive. Make sure you don't underestimate his problems or feelings; Also make sure you're not stiff, clumsy, or unfocused when he's talking about his complaints.
- Make sure he knows that there are still many people who love him.
- Don't judge her attitude, even if you don't think the problem is that serious. Let him heal himself in his own way.
