If you're worried about your controlling attitude, then chances are you expect everyone and every event in your life to happen a certain way. You may feel frustrated when another individual, friend, or coworker who is meaningful to you doesn't act in the way you want, for example when a meeting, party, or Sunday afternoon doesn't go exactly as planned. If you have the urge to micro-manage almost everything to make it absolutely perfect and the way you want it to be, then it's time to relax, take a step back, and accept that you can't control things. Once you do, you'll find satisfaction in giving up control instead of taking it over. See Step 1 for the journey to becoming a less controlling person.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Changing Your Mindset
Step 1. Stop being a perfectionist
One of the reasons you like to be in control is that you want everything to be perfect. You probably don't want anyone to come to your house that isn't clean; You might spend an extra hour scanning the report for a typo and find nothing. Over time, this kind of behavior doesn't help you or anyone else. In fact, it only hurts you and keeps you from living life. Remember that being a perfectionist is a form of imperfection in its own right, and the sooner you get rid of the desire to be perfect, instead of analyzing every detail, the sooner you can move on with life.
- Think about it: if you're afraid to invite people over to your house because your house isn't tidy, they're likely to think you're reluctant to host, not because of the messy pillows.
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Increase your self-confidence. Many people who like to control need to increase their self-confidence. You may in friendships and relationships tend to be controlling because you feel that people won't like or won't spend time with you if you don't teach them every little thing they have to do. You may feel that you are worthless, so if you leave people as they are, they will gradually realize that they don't like you. You have to stop thinking like this and realize that you are an amazing and valuable person, you just need to relax a bit.
Stop Being Controlling Step 2 - Talk to a therapist or a close friend about self-confidence issues, anxiety, or underlying causes for your controlling behavior, it can be helpful. It can also lead you to the root of the problem that is triggering your controller nature.
Step 2. Manage your anxiety
Another reason you're controlling is that you're overwhelmed with anxiety, always thinking about the worst that could happen in a situation, or are afraid to face the unexpected. If this is the case, then you need to learn to calm down and realize that the world doesn't end just because you encounter something unfamiliar. Think of all the things that can happen in a given situation, not just the worst, and you'll be much better off.
Of course it takes a long time to manage your anxiety, although yoga, meditation, cutting back on caffeine, or taking the time to find the root cause of your problem can help
Step 3. Stop the feeling of having to be right all the time
Controlling people are often obsessed with proving that they have the best idea of what to do or that they have the right opinion about everything on earth. If you want to be less in control, then you have to let the other person be right every now and then, and realize that it's not the end of the world if you don't know the answer or if the other person has more experience or insight into a particular situation.
- Think about it: what's the worst thing that can happen if you don't know the answer to something? This happens to anyone all the time. You may think that people will judge you or think you are inferior, but that is not the case. They will be much more likely, in fact, to think you are less than good if you never admit you were wrong.
- Part of not always feeling right is opening up to vulnerability. Nobody's saying this is fun, but it's a way to trust people and show that you're only human too. You want people to be able to feel a bond with you, right?
Step 4. Practice receiving
If you want to stop being controlling, then you have to practice accepting things as they are. While it's great to see something that needs improvement and try to change it, trying to tweak things and tweaking it until it's exactly how you want it is a different matter. Learn to accept the atmosphere that is common at work, at home, and in your relationships.
Of course, revolutions are started by people who see things that need major changes and work hard to get there. But we're not talking about you being Che Guevara here. We just want you to be at peace with the situation around you, instead of "fixing" a problem that doesn't really exist
Step 5. Know that giving up control can be just as rewarding as gaining it
You may think that planning your project detail by detail or your wedding from scratch without help will make you feel strong, or maybe invincible. And of course, there is power behind being able to control the situation. But you know what else you can feel? Tired. Stress. Like you are never satisfied. Instead, let someone else help, or even take control. This can be the greatest gift of all.
- Instead of putting pressure solely on yourself, you learn to like the idea of working with others to achieve a common goal - or even letting them work a little more while you rest.
- Start small. You don't have to delegate all the tasks of a large project to apply your first exercise. Instead, let your coworkers choose a place for your lunch break. Is it that difficult? If not, take the big step of giving up the reins and see how it feels.
Part 2 of 3: Trusting Others
Step 1. Learn to trust others
One of the most important things you should do is realize that other people are as competent, intelligent, and hardworking as you are. Okay, sadly, this doesn't mean all of them. It makes sense not to ask your slovenly little brother to help you clean the kitchen, or not to ask lazy Bob to proofread a report for you; some people around us really can't help us. But there are lots of nice and helpful people out there, and if you want to live a happier life, you have to learn to trust them so you can trust them to help you and make your own decisions.
Think about it: if you were always telling your boyfriend, best friend, or lab partner what to do, how would they feel? They will feel like you don't trust them because you think they are not as smart/admirable as you are. Is that what you want to happen to the people you care about the most?
Step 2. Delegate
If you want to stop being in control, then you have to learn to delegate tasks to other people. The days when you threw everything at yourself and bothered everyone in a bossy fashion, and stress are gone. Instead, learn to delegate tasks to people, either asking a coworker to help with a project or having your friend pick up appetizers for the party you're planning. Once you trust others, you can ask them for help.
Sure, it takes humility to ask for help, but you'll get used to it. Everyone goes through life with the help of others, and the same applies to you
Step 3. Listen and learn from others
Along with trusting someone and being able to delegate it to them, you should be able to really learn from them. You may feel that you are the only person who has everything to teach people, but if you really let other people in and listen to them, you will realize how wrong you are. You can't be an expert at everything, there will always be people who have more insight or experience than you on a particular subject. Once you step back and really listen to other people, you'll find that you have a lot to learn.
Don't interrupt people. Let them finish what they have to say and really take the time to think about it before you come up with your own ideas
Step 4. Let people be who they are
While everyone has room for improvement, you have to stop trying to turn people into the people you want them to be. Instead, you have to learn to let them be themselves, act the way they want to act, not the way you live and think. Of course, if your boyfriend does something that drives you crazy, you should talk about it, but you can't expect him to turn out to be a completely different person, just as he can't ask you to be someone you're not.
Talking about room for improvement and helping others strive to be better versions of themselves is one thing. But it's a completely different thing, trying to turn them into something they're not
Step 5. Get over your jealousy problem
Another reason why you control other people may have to do with jealousy. You might get jealous if you don't tell your best friend where to go, so she'll end up hanging out with other friends. You might be jealous if your boyfriend doesn't call you every hour, which means he's with another girl. You have to learn to respect yourself, and trust that other people feel the same way about you. If you have real reasons to be jealous, then that's one thing, but if it's all just in your head, then you need to have a more rational mindset and a healthier outlook.
- Ask yourself why you tend to feel jealous. Was it because of a past betrayal, or did it come from your lack of confidence?
- If you want to be in a mutually beneficial and healthy relationship, you have to learn to kick feelings of jealousy to the side of the road.
Part 3 of 3: Get Started
Step 1. If what you're doing doesn't help the situation, stop
Of course, controlling behavior can help in certain situations. If your child misbehaves, you must give punishment. If your boyfriend is always late for work, you can remind him to set the alarm. But if some of this controlling behavior doesn't improve the situation, it may be time to stop. You need to know when it's your moment to interrupt and interfere, then learn to stop it.
For example, if you're constantly trying to sort things out for one of your employees and it's all leading to resentment and low productivity, it may be time to step back. If your best friend is depressed because she lost her job and you call her every day to check if she's applied for a new job and this makes her even angrier, maybe it's time to quit
Step 2. Talk to a friend about your problem
It's helpful to get another perspective on your controlling nature. Just having someone to talk to about your feelings and determination to change will go a long way in improving your behavior. If you are dealing with this problem alone, it will be much more difficult to find the motivation to actually change your mindset. Getting the love and support of friends can help you realize that you are capable of change and that you can truly move forward and on the right track.
You can even meet your friends weekly, to discuss your progress. If you tell others about your intentions, you also feel accountable to them and will be more motivated to change
Step 3. Stop giving advice to everyone
Another thing about controlling people is constantly giving people "advice" on the little things, from how they should behave in their relationships to what they should order for dinner. This "advice" you're giving really looks more like a command or command in disguise, and you need to learn to avoid this kind of behavior if you want to reduce your controlling nature. When your input is needed or when you think it could really help, then giving advice can be a good thing to do, but in general, you should avoid giving advice to people, especially if it's not asked for.
If you always tell people what you "think" the best thing to do, you'll end up being called a know-it-all
Step 4. Stop planning every second of your day
People who like to control just love to plan, plan and plan. They know exactly when they wake up, how many spoonfuls of sugar for their morning coffee, when they're going to get in the car and go home, and what they're going to wear each day of the week. If you want to stop being controlling, you have to learn to let it all go. While it's important to be organized and feel like you're moving in the right direction, it's also important to leave room for change, and accept that you won't know exactly what will happen in every second of your day.
- Start trying. Enjoy your weekend without a single thing planned and just do what you feel like doing. If you get a last minute invitation to do something fun, you should accept it.
- While many people like to plan, make sure there are at least ten free hours a week without a plan. Then raise it to fifteen, or even twenty hours. This will help you relax and see that all will be well if you don't always know exactly what's going to happen.
Step 5. Learn to go with the flow
Controlling people tend to avoid getting lost in a situation, going on a spontaneous trip, or just doing something really crazy because that's what people want to do. They have a plan and they are determined to carry it out no matter the odds. So, it's time to let it all go, and just enjoy being yourself and hanging out with other people without knowing what's going to happen next.
The next time you're with a group of people, hold your tongue when it comes to deciding what to do. Let them decide. You'll see that it's not as bad as you think
Step 6. Be more flexible
If you want to work on reducing control, then you should leave room for some flexibility in your schedule. Maybe something happened to your boyfriend at the last minute, and you have to move your date night to tomorrow. Will this be the end of the world? Maybe your meeting at work was rescheduled for the afternoon; maybe your sister needs help with her kids and no one else can do it. Learn to accept the things that life throws at you, and be flexible enough not to let it feel like a tragedy if your week doesn't turn out the way you hoped it would.
To be truly flexible, you have to realize that at the end of the day, an unexpected few hours of the week or some last-minute changes are not going to have a huge impact on your life. Once you realize this, you will feel much more free and open to possibilities
Tips
- Remember that life is very beautiful. Be grateful for the blessings you have. The fear of losing you will be less and more accepting when you have an attitude of gratitude.
- Fight only for yourself. Don't stop working on what seems to control or seems to control in front of others; do for yourself. If you try to change people's opinions, you are really still trying to control. Accept the fact that you cannot control a situation or a person; enough yourself.
- Life will be more beautiful when you let it happen. When someone is chasing you or realizes they are infatuated with you and you have nothing to do with it, this is the best feeling! Learning to enjoy and love yourself is a beautiful journey.
