Being honest with parents seems intimidating and scary to many people who like same-sex, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) people. Your parents have spent more time around you than anyone else, and being honest about who you are will destroy their perception of you. However, being yourself and being honest with your parents is also very important. Making a plan to come clean with them will make this process easier to deal with.
Step
Part 1 of 4: Making a Plan to Be Honest with Parents
Step 1. Consider how likely your parents are to accept your confession
If you think that your parents are suspicious of your sexual orientation and they are likely to accept who you are, proceed with making plans. If you think your confession will take them by surprise, consider how they would react.
- If you think your parents will react negatively, you should wait before telling them. Consider some questions, such as: did your parents make comments suggesting they were homophobic, would you be crushed if they reacted negatively, or are you already financially independent. If all of these thoughts lead to a “yes” answer, maybe you should wait until you are truly independent and support yourself or until you feel better equipped with stronger support.
- Listen to your instincts when you decide to tell your parents. There's a difference between being nervous about telling a parent who always supports their child's decisions and being afraid to tell an old-minded parent.
- Remember that your parents still feel like they know everything about you because they raised you. If they don't suspect your sexual orientation, include this when considering how to tell them.
- Make a gesture if you want to find out more about how they will respond.
Step 2. Decide how you will tell them
There are various ways you can do this, such as having a one-on-one conversation or by letter.
- Consider your family dynamics when thinking about how to tell them, and consider the medium of communication you feel most comfortable with. Explaining everything by letter may seem easier to you and can give them time to digest the news. On the other hand, maybe your family prefers to talk about it in person, or maybe you're more able to verbalize your feelings.
- Stick to your decisions once you've made them. This will prevent you from procrastinating on telling your parents, or doing it the wrong way.
Step 3. Gather the support you need to tell parents
Once you've decided how to explain it, the next step is to build a support system of people who will always be there for you.
- If you have relatives, friends, teachers, or counselors who already know you are LGBT, build a support system with them. Make sure they are willing to give you advice and accept you when the franking process goes awry.
- Ask the parents of other LGBT people to act as a support system for your parents. Including other parents who have been through the same thing as them can help get them to accept your sexuality. Ask other parents to prepare to meet your parents before coming out about your sexuality.
- Make sure you're mentally prepared for this conversation and that you're open to answering all of your parents' questions. Also consider going to therapy, if your parents recommend it, because going through therapy can convince them that you are LGBT.
Step 4. Find books, pamphlets, or websites about the LGBT community to give to your parents
Providing them with information to enable them to better understand your perspective can help when they are going through different phases of feeling lost. Below are some resources to consider for those of you living in the United States:
- “Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)”
- “Advocates for Youth”
- “YouthResource.org”
- “Trans-Youth Family Allies”
- “National Resource Center on LGBT Aging”
- "Movement Advancement Project"
- “The National LGBT Health Education Center”
- "American Psychological Association"
- “Center Link: The Community of LGBT Centers”
- Books recommended by the “Gay-Straight Alliance Network”
- Living Out: Gay and Lesbian Autobiography
- Books recommended by UWSP
Step 5. Research some of the questions your parents will ask
Having broad insight into this when having conversations with parents will reassure them that you are serious about your decision and it is not a mere “phase” or something that can be “cured”. Prepare answers to the questions or comments below:
- "Are you sure?"
- "Why are you homosexual?"
- "I heard that all homosexual people have HIV/AIDS."
- "Isn't being LGBT unnatural?"
- "Why don't you be honest with your father/mother from the start?"
- "Can you get a job or not?"
- "How can you have your own household?"
- "Our religion considers liking the same sex wrong."
- "What are the statistics on LGBT people being physically assaulted?"
- "Will you be happy?"
- "Are you going to be any different now?"
- "Are you going to show off your sexuality? If so, mom/dad feels very uncomfortable."
- "How does mom/dad support you?"
Step 6. Make a backup plan in case the conversation doesn't go well and you still live with your parents
For example, if your parents don't want to support you and kick you out of the house, you should go elsewhere and have someone to support you through this time.
- Call a friend, relative, teacher, or counselor who already knows your identity. Ask if you can stay at their home for a while, or if they can help you find a safe place to live, if your parents kick you out. They can also be there for you if you already have a home of your own but need someone to talk to and support you after a negative experience coming out with your parents.
- Collect money so you can support yourself. You can look for part time work, if you are old enough to work, or save some other income.
- If you don't have a personal vehicle, find a way to travel when you need to get out of the house. You can ride someone or a relative who lives with you now, ride a friend or someone else who supports you, or use public transportation in your city.
- Find a way to thank the person or relative who gave you shelter. You can pay "rent," if you can, or help with some household chores or other things that make their job easier.
Step 7. Make a backup plan in case the conversation goes bad and you're able to live independently
You still need support if the conversation you had with your parents didn't go well.
- Reach out to friends, relatives, or counselors who have accepted and supported your identity. Make an appointment to meet one of them at his house or somewhere else you like if the conversation with the parents doesn't go well.
- If you live alone but your parents still support you financially, and you feel they might cut off the flow of funds for you, find a full or part time job so you can support yourself.
- Think about how you let your parents go first. You may want to try contacting them by phone, email, in person, or you may want to wait for them to contact you. Choose the one you feel best fits your family dynamic.
Step 8. Choose the right time and place to be honest
There's never going to be a “right time” to do something like this, but you have to think about when you will tell your parents.
- Don't come clean when you're in an argument, at a family gathering, celebration, or when your family is in trouble. This can make your parents think you're revealing yourself because you're angry or trying to be someone else.
- Find or make time when you and your parents get together without anyone else. That way, there will be no interruptions or interruptions from anywhere.
- Be sure to be candid indoors rather than in public. Your parents may react negatively, causing a commotion in public. They may also think you're joking, or they may think you're just trying to embarrass them.
Part 2 of 4: Choosing What You Will Tell Your Parents
Step 1. Think about how you start the conversation
This will probably be the hardest part, because making the first steps is always hard.
- “Mom/dad, I want to tell you something because I've been keeping this a secret for a long time. Now I'm ready to tell mom/dad."
- "I thought of something long ago and now I have a hard time expressing it."
- "We have to talk about something that's important to me. I have to be honest with father/mother.”
Step 2. Be honest with your parents by explaining your sexual orientation
There's no right or wrong way to put it, so choose what feels comfortable to you.
- "I'm homosexual/lesbian/bisexual/transgender. I've known who I am for a long time.”
- "I think I might be homosexual/lesbian/bisexual/transgender. I feel attracted to the same sex, and I don't know how that happened." OR "I feel like I was born in the wrong body. I feel like I'm more comfortable being a man/woman and doing something that men/women usually do.
- “Since I was _ years old, I realized that I was LGBT.”
Step 3. Explain your point of view to make your parents understand
The more you can do to make them understand you the better.
- “This feels natural to me, just like my mother/father feels it is natural to be heterosexual. I didn't choose to be like this; I'm already like this."
- “I am still the same person as before. I chose the identity of being LGBT because I have felt that way from the beginning.”
- “I am attracted to both men and women. I'm being honest with mom and dad because I feel like I'm punishing myself when I hold onto those feelings, and I want to be honest with myself."
- “I want to do activities that boys/girls do. Those activities are more interesting to me, but they don't feel normal to do now because I'm a boy/girl.”
Step 4. Explain to your parents why you haven't come out yet
This will really help them to understand you.
- "I'm afraid mom/dad will reject me."
- "Our society hates homosexuals, and I'm afraid of what they think of me."
- "I'm afraid this will destroy our family relationship, and I really love this family."
- “Our religion teaches that being LGBT is a sin, and I don't know how to argue about it.”
- "I feel like I have to keep my identity a secret because society sees it as wrong."
Step 5. Tell your parents what they can do to support you
You still have to come clean with other people, and their support can help you do that.
- “I want mom and dad to find out about LGBT.”
- “I wanted to tell mom and dad about my friends and how important they are to me. When mom and dad are ready, I want mom and dad to meet them."
- “I bought this book so mom and dad can learn more. This book can answer all the questions mom and dad have, so hopefully mom and dad will want to read this book.”
- “I wrote a list of some websites that moms and dads can look up to read. I would be very happy if mom and dad would do it.”
- “There are LGBT support groups and their families. I have information about the meetings, so we can go when mom and dad are ready.”
- “I want mom and dad to tell me what I can do to support mom and dad, because I want to do the same thing.”
- “I need mom and dad to support me and the LGBT community if mom or dad sees us being attacked. This community becomes stronger when we unite.”
Part 3 of 4: Be Honest with Parents
Step 1. Do it according to the plan that has been made
Use your plan as a guide to talk about it or to write to them.
- Be prepared to answer their questions.
- Bring books, pamphlets, and other resources to your parents so they can learn more.
- Keep your backup plan in mind in case the conversation doesn't go well.
Step 2. Stick to your decision to tell them and your self-awareness that you are LGBT
Having this confidence will reduce the confusion your parents experience.
- Show your parents that you believe in your sexuality and that you have confidence by sticking to your beliefs.
- Tell your parents why you're being honest with your parents, which is to be honest and build a family relationship with them.
Step 3. Understand that parents will go through the same phases as when they lost their biological child
This will be their path to acceptance, but remember that some parents will not go through some phases, and some will never make it to acceptance. Going through some of the initial phases will be hard for parents.
- Surprised
- Rejection
- Guilt
- Expression of feelings
- Personal decision making
- Sincere acceptance
Step 4. Stay calm when you talk to your parents
This shows your maturity, and shows that you take this seriously.
- Remember not to get angry and turn the conversation into an argument.
- Teach your parents. For a time, your roles may be reversed with your parents as they try to understand your sexuality. You may have to teach and guide them to accept this.
- Answer all of their questions to the best of your ability, and when you can't answer them, refer them to a resource they can read to find answers.
- Don't look upset, frustrated, or irritated when your parents seem slow to understand what's going on. They need time to adapt.
Step 5. Reassure your parents that you love them and you are doing this for the good of the family relationship with them
. This reassurance will maintain a very strong family relationship with parents.
- Reassuring your parents that you love and accept yourself can also help. They definitely want to see you happy.
- Remind your parents that you are in good health. They will more quickly enter the acceptance phase when calmed with these thoughts.
- Be their supporter in this moment. Your attitude when it comes to showing that you love them and want to help them through this understanding process is to support them. Do whatever you can to help them learn and understand your reasons for being candid and understanding the LGBT community.
Part 4 of 4: Continuing Support After Being Honest
Step 1. Remember that your parents need time to accept this
Life will not easily return to its "normal" state quickly after this talk.
- Remind yourself of some of the phases your parents will go through when you receive your confession.
- Consider the emotions your parents will experience when they process your confession: guilt, self-blame, fear, confusion, doubt, and denial. Your parents will most likely blame themselves and feel that they have wronged you. This is going to be a tough time for them.
- Your mother may accept your sexuality more quickly than your father, or vice versa. Even if you feel your parents are one entity, remember that they are human beings who process things differently and have different personalities.
Step 2. Accept your parents' emotions
When your parents are trying to accept your confession, you have to accept any emotion they are feeling or showing.
- Be strong even if your parents show anger, hurt, or sadness. Gradually, emotions will no longer overwhelm them and they will begin to think about your confession more rationally.
- Don't show negative emotions to your parents. Just as you should avoid getting angry when you come out with them, you shouldn't show negative emotions to your parents as they try to adjust to this. Feeling angry or resentful of your parents will slow down their acceptance process.
Step 3. Encourage your parents to be “upright” with others
Part of their acceptance process could be sharing the news with relatives or other family friends.
- Introduce your parents to other parents who have accepted their child's recognition.
- Encourage them to find support networks such as PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) in the United States.
- Find someone who is close to you and your parents and supports you. This person can mediate between you and your parents. It can also make your parents feel like they have someone close and trusted to talk to about your confession.
Step 4. Learn to accept how far your parents have gone towards full acceptance
Not all parents will truly accept their child as LGBT, and you have to learn how to respect that and how to interact with your parents in those scenarios.
- If your parents want to learn more, introduce them to your LGBT friends. This will help them deal with the stereotypes they believe in.
- If your parents don't want to talk about this issue, be careful about approaching your sexual orientation with them. They may still need time to accept you, so don't push the issue over and over again.
- If one or both of your parents won't accept it, reach out to your supporter to help with this. Your parents will probably accept your identity sooner or later and will continue to be supportive and positive towards you.
Tips
- There is no “right” or “wrong” way to be honest with parents. Do what feels most comfortable for you and your family.
- Be prepared to face the opposite reaction to what you imagined.
- Believe in yourself that you can do this and you will get through it.
- Always have a support outside the family for yourself. This support can be a person or a group of people you can contact for advice and solace.
