Quarrels can always happen, even in very close and pleasant relationships. This experience can sometimes make you better able to understand other people, as long as disputes can be resolved amicably. While it's not easy, there are several ways you can do it. Remember that the main goal is always the same: to show remorse for the fight that has occurred and to get the person you fought with to believe again that he or she means a lot to you.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Having the Right Mindset
Step 1. Apologize as soon as possible if possible
Apologizing right away is the best way to make up, especially if:
- You've accused someone of doing something that he didn't.
- You're not too angry. Anger, disappointment, hurt, and other emotions can be reasons why you don't want to apologize. Don't let those emotions get in your way. If you can ignore it, the sooner you make up, the better.
- The person you are fighting with wants to make up. Sometimes people who just had a fight don't want to make up right away, but if they do, don't delay.
- Don't make up just to make peace or avoid conflict with him. There are people who make up because they want to avoid hostility, but acting like this means you have to keep giving in.
Step 2. Wait until you feel better before making up
You both can't listen to each other if you talk while holding your anger in.
- There is a wise saying: "Don't sleep if you're still angry". Waiting too long to make up usually makes anger worse, sleeplessness, and difficulty thinking clearly the next day, making you want to fight even more.
- Quarrels can not necessarily be resolved before going to bed. Situations when fighting, complicated relationships, and the size of the problem make you not ready to make up again, but don't procrastinate.
Step 3. Control impulsive behavior
It's normal to feel disappointed in the person you're fighting with. Maybe you want to hurt him by making fun of him, making harsh comments, or expressing his failures. However, this kind of action is pointless, especially if you want to make up with him.
Step 4. Separate feelings and problems
How you feel about the cause of the fight and the problem that actually triggers the fight are two different things. Keeping the two separate allows you to be honest about your emotions and continue a good conversation about what happened.
Step 5. Don't underestimate other people's feelings
Don't belittle her feelings by saying, "You shouldn't feel that way" or "You're wrong if you feel that way." Accept that he does feel what he feels.
Step 6. Don't try to read other people's minds
When you're getting ready to make an approach to make up, don't assume that you know how he's feeling because of this fight. Don't face the problem by being prejudiced about what he's thinking or feeling and don't try to interpret what he's telling you.
Step 7. Write down your feelings
If the argument is still upsetting you or there is a pent up emotion you want to express to him, write it down first. You don't need to show him this note because the goal is to identify how you feel and confirm it before revealing it to others.
Step 8. Find the right time
Don't approach making up when he's stressed or emotionally high (for example, because he has a big project at work, a personal problem, or a long vacation). Wait for the right time after the busyness is reduced.
Part 2 of 3: Talking To Him
Step 1. Invite him to meet for a one-on-one talk, if possible
Try your best so that the two of you can meet each other to talk face-to-face. While statistics show that 90% of nonverbal communication between people doesn't tell the truth, it has a huge impact on how we interpret the words and actions of others. Talking directly can be very helpful, because you can ask for clarification on what you have said and observe his response.
Step 2. Package this call to meet as an offer, not a request
Don't let him feel obligated to talk to you. Tell him that you're sorry for the fight and give him the opportunity to express his feelings in this conversation. For example:
Send an email, card, or letter in your own handwriting to say, “I'm sorry we had a fight and would like to have a chat with you to better understand how you feel. Do you mind chatting with me?”
Step 3. Allow the freedom to speak
Even if you want to express how you feel about the fight, make sure that he feels heard. Give him a chance to share his views on this fight.
- This will give you a better understanding of how he sees your role in the argument in order to prepare an apology.
- For example, you could say, "I'm sorry for hurting your feelings. Please tell me how you are feeling."
Step 4. Listen to what he has to say
You can also say that you feel hurt during the argument, but first listen to what he needs to explain. Listening is a way of conveying that you value her feelings.
Don't interrupt him. Wait for the person to finish speaking before asking for the clarification you need. Don't be against it because making up should start with accepting responsibility, not determining who is more right
Step 5. Say what you understand about his feelings
Say it in your own words after he has expressed his thoughts or feelings. Besides being able to show that you're paying attention, take this opportunity to make sure you misunderstood anything he said. After that, ask him to provide feedback on whether you got what he said correctly. For example:
After your friend says that she is very disappointed and feels neglected that you didn't invite her to the birthday party, rephrase the statement in your own words: "I heard you feel disappointed that I didn't invite you to my birthday party."
Step 6. Know how to apologize properly
Marriage and family therapists say that a good apology includes three aspects: regret, responsibility, and rapprochement.
- Regret: this aspect means an expression of sincere regret for having made other people sad or hurt. For example, you might say, "I'm sorry to disappoint you by not calling you as promised."
- Responsibility: good apologies only address your actions and don't try to give yourself a reason to justify yourself (no matter if there was a specific reason). For example, don't say, "I'm sorry to disappoint you, but you also always forget to call me." Instead, you could say, "I'm sorry I disappointed you by not calling you as promised. I know this is very important to you.”
- Restoration: a good apology also focuses on dealing with the disappointment you caused. This aspect shows that you not only regret your actions, but want to prevent them from happening again. For example, you might say, "I'm sorry I hurt you by forgetting to call. Next time, I'll write it down on the calendar so I don't forget."
Step 7. Show empathy
Acknowledge how he felt when he apologized. This statement plays an important role in showing that you are sincerely apologizing. Plus, it shows that you can imagine the consequences of your actions and really care about them. For example:
You could say, “I understand why you're upset that I secretly asked your ex-girlfriend to go to the movies. The two of you recently split up and it looks like I'm hiding something from you for asking your ex out without telling you this honestly. I hope you understand that our friendship means a lot to me.”
Step 8. Use the word “I” or “I” instead of “you”
Focus on what you do and feel, instead of judging other people. Fights can happen again if he feels judged. For example:
If an argument broke out because you said hurtful words, don't say "I'm sorry" if You feel disappointed because of what I said.” Doing this means you are giving him the responsibility because he was hurt, instead of accepting responsibility for making a hurtful statement.
Step 9. Don't just say, “I'm sorry
” You can be considered belittling other people if you just say “I'm sorry”. Listen carefully to what he has to say and then offer a heartfelt apology.
It's not enough to say "I didn't mean it that way" because the problem is that you've hurt the other person's feelings. You can say you didn't mean to hurt her feelings, but you still have to admit that it happened and feel very sorry
Step 10. Avoid the word “but”
Apologizing is easier if followed by denial: “I'm sorry for hurting you, but you really mean a lot to me.” The word "but" will invalidate your apology. Separate apologies and statements of self-interest.
Step 11. Don't feel so right
One of the biggest obstacles that people have a hard time making up after a fight is that each one feels the most right. If you've hurt someone else's feelings, admit it. Remember that confessing after hurting someone else's feelings doesn't necessarily mean that you meant to hurt them. For example:
If your partner is upset that you forgot that today is your wedding anniversary, admit your mistake by saying, “I understand why you're hurting. I didn't mean to hurt your heart. I am really, really sorry."
Step 12. Talk about the future
In addition to apologizing, you should also say what you are going to do to let him know that you still want to have a good relationship, for example, "In the future, I will… so that this problem doesn't happen again."
Step 13. Don't make promises you can't keep
Saying that you will never hurt her again is not completely true because conflict is normal. Tell her that you will try not to hurt her anymore.
Part 3 of 3: Maintaining Relationships
Step 1. Suggest to do fun activities together
After apologizing, suggest that the two of you can do something together. This shows that you are committed to this relationship and want him to feel valued and happy. If possible, do activities that are meaningful to both of you. For example:
- If you are both a movie buff, take him to the cinema and buy him a ticket.
- Activities that provide opportunities for discussion and interaction are helpful because both of you can share positive feelings by interacting with each other. This way of interacting can feel like a gift because the two of you have been able to be nice to each other, thus forming good behavior in the future.
Step 2. Talk about the cause of the fight
After apologizing and making up again, it's a good idea to discuss what sparked the fight. Usually, fights happen because there is a more basic problem and before this problem is resolved, the two of you will continue to fight for the same reason.
- Don't use generalizing words when discussing feelings. The words "always" and "never" close the opportunity for differences. Generalizations are usually inaccurate and leave others feeling compelled to defend themselves.
- For example, if an argument occurs because your partner forgot your birthday, don't say, "You always forget important things," even if it feels like this! Instead, say, "I'm disappointed that you forgot my birthday." In this way, you are only making a statement about what you feel and experience, not about someone's intentions.
Step 3. Prioritize communication
There may be more fights, but good communication can defuse the fight and make it easier for the two of you to make up again. Talk to him about your feelings openly and ask him to do the same.
Don't confuse being open and saying whatever you want. Even if you want to mention all his faults or yell at him, this will only make him feel even more hurt and disappointed
Step 4. Ask for his opinion
If you've had multiple fights for the same reason, ask him once in a while about the changes you've made.
Step 5. Recognize that fighting to some extent is normal
All relationships, whether with friends, family members, or lovers, mean working with people who are often very different from you. Therefore, the emergence of quarrels to a certain extent is a natural thing. You should try to work through the conflict as it occurs, instead of ignoring it or pretending there is no conflict.
Tips
- Consult if you often fight over the same problem. An individual therapist can help you understand how best to interact with other people or a couples therapist can help you both learn how to communicate effectively with each other.
- If you really want to make up with someone, accept that their feelings are how they feel, whether you agree or disagree with this. Saying "I know you feel hurt" doesn't mean you agree that he's 100% right because right or wrong is less important than showing him you care.
- Sometimes, you have to wait a day or two to make up again!
- Be patient. Let his anger subside and don't try to talk him out of it because this can provoke his anger! You can apologize once he calms down.
Warning
- After a fight with a life partner, there are people who tend to want to make up by having sex. Based on research, this habit is a bad way because it will form negative interactions by creating emotional drama that triggers the desire to get "happiness" through sex after a fight. Researchers recommend that arguments be resolved before engaging in sexual activity.
- Conflict and anger are natural. However, if you often feel afraid of this person, if you always feel guilty, or if he or she doesn't show empathy and remorse after hurting your feelings, this could be a sign that you are in a relationship with the abuser. Ask for help if you experience these things.
