Fighting with your partner is common, but do you know how to make up again to restore a relationship? After a fight, be tactful by taking responsibility for your every action and apologizing if you made a mistake. Invite your partner to communicate openly and be a good listener. In order to forget the past fights, give genuine attention and show a desire to change so that the two of you can build a lasting relationship.
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Part 1 of 3: Taking the Initiative to Make Up
Step 1. Stop arguing so you can both make up
Don't hold on to anger or allow the argument to continue the next day. Make a resolution to end the conflict. Agree together that you both want to make up so that the relationship can be restored.
Step 2. Acknowledge your role in triggering the argument
Whatever the reason, remember that you also played a part in this fight. Be humble and admit your mistakes. Instead of saying "but" or "you should," focus on your behavior that triggers the argument.
- For example, an argument may occur because you yell at your partner or interrupt when he or she is talking, even though he or she wants to be heard.
- To apologize, you can say, "I was too quick to accuse before I heard your explanation. I'm sorry."
Step 3. Control your anger
Quarrels often lead to anger and disappointment. If you start to get angry, realize that you are able to control your emotions and your anger is not because of other people. Use techniques to relieve anger, such as deep breathing. Think about why you are angry and try to understand the situation with an objective mind.
Express your feelings by keeping a diary to identify and understand how you are feeling. For example, if you're disappointed that your partner didn't call you, write down this incident and the impact it had on your feelings. You may notice that you are angry because you feel ignored or want attention
Step 4. Prioritize the relationship with your partner
If right and wrong is still more important than a harmonious relationship, it's time you learn to let go and forgive. Instead of insisting that you are right, try to understand the other person's point of view. Ask her opinion and remember that a harmonious relationship is far more important than feeling right.
- For example, instead of saying, "I'm right. You're wrong," you might say, "Maybe we have different opinions. I want to know your opinion."
- Remember that the two of you are a team. So don't blame each other. Try to think of the best solution together.
Step 5. Apologize for the mistake you made
Explain that you regret your actions and then apologize to your partner. Show empathy by understanding his feelings as a result of your actions. Say a heartfelt "I'm sorry" to let him know that you are truly sorry and apologize.
For example, you might say, "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I was rude. I feel guilty that what I said made you feel disrespected. I'm sorry."
Step 6. Forgive your partner
Don't hold a grudge against your partner. Tell him that you have forgiven his actions and are not angry with him. In addition, you by writing a letter to convey that you have forgiven him, do not hold anger, and can forget the fight.
Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or ignoring what happened. Forgiveness is a way to free yourself from negative emotions and restore relationships. Remember that you need to forge yourself to be able to forgive others because this ability does not develop instantly
Part 2 of 3: Forgetting Quarrels
Step 1. Set aside some time to be alone
If you don't interact with each other, you both have a chance to think clearly and calm down. Tell your partner that you want to be alone and explain why. In advance, agree that the two of you will meet in the next few days so that the problem doesn't linger. This way shows that you do not want to separate. Thus, both of you are able to control your emotions and find the best solution.
For example, if the two of you live in the same house, do activities alone all day or on weekends or spend more time outdoors. If the two of you don't live together, agree that you won't be interacting with him for a while, say 1 or 2 days
Step 2. Define boundaries
In order to make up, you need to set boundaries to ensure that the fight doesn't reoccur, for example by making a decision that the two of you will only discuss solutions and not say hurtful words or blame the other person. These limits must be mutually agreed upon so that the conversation takes place in a comfortable atmosphere and runs smoothly.
For example, agree that neither of you will yell at each other or insult each other. If the atmosphere heats up, the conversation must be stopped first to be continued at another time
Step 3. Listen to what he has to say with an open heart and mind
When you want to end an argument with your partner, listen carefully to what he has to say. Instead of thinking about what to say to respond or defend yourself, try to understand what he's saying as best you can. When he's talking, don't interrupt or think about what you want to say. Instead, give your full attention, make eye contact, and show that you understand the explanation.
- When he's finished speaking, respond by rephrasing his statement briefly, for example, "If I heard right, you want me to convey your wishes in a better manner."
- Don't say absolutes, such as "always" and "never".
- Eliminate the desire to be the "right" party. Instead, be humble and listen to the explanation. Keep in mind that there is a possibility that his opinion is correct.
Step 4. Try to understand his feelings
If he's angry, help him control his emotions and calm down. When he expresses his annoyance, listen without interrupting. Let him express his feelings even if it seems outrageous or rude. If he feels heard, the two of you will still get along and understand each other.
Let him talk and try to understand his feelings, instead of judging or ignoring them
Step 5. Express your opinion and express your feelings
Do this wholeheartedly so that he can understand you and feel appreciated. For that, use the word "me/me" to focus the conversation on you, not on the action. If you start to fall into the trap of blaming or criticizing your partner, try changing the subject by expressing how you feel.
- For example, say to your partner, "I feel disappointed because you prepared dinner just for your friend," instead of "You only think about your friend, but you never care about me." The first sentence makes the couple not feel guilty.
- After that, you can go on to say what you want, for example, "I feel neglected. Next time, I hope you pay attention to me."
- Try to find something in common between the two of you. Find out what is mutually agreed upon and then make it a starting point for thinking about the best solution. If it's hard to find common ground in a situation like this, remember that you both have one thing in common: you love each other.
Part 3 of 3: Restoring Relationships
Step 1. Follow up on his advice
If your partner makes helpful suggestions for preventing fights, respond by doing so. This shows that you listen to his opinion and want to make positive changes. Acknowledge that you are not perfect and that there are things that need to be improved. Get rid of the desire to defend yourself and learn to give in.
- For example, if your partner asks you to help him with household chores, do it without being asked, such as washing dishes, shopping for groceries, cooking, or tidying the house.
- You don't have to give in or sacrifice self-interest to please your partner. Suggestions that need to be implemented are those that are useful, rather than those that are burdensome or limiting.
Step 2. Give your partner genuine attention
The sooner you both feel calm and relieved, the better. Mood-boosting actions bring the two of you closer together. Give him genuine attention in a way that is meaningful to him. Ignoring your partner after a fight can strain the relationship. If left unchecked, this condition makes the relationship end.
Pay attention to your partner by saying you love him, taking him to a movie, or cooking his favorite meal
Step 3. Restore closeness by providing affection
This will make the two of you feel close again, especially after a fight. Take his hand, wrap your arm around his shoulder, or massage his leg. Make sure what you do makes him feel comfortable.
Affection is also useful for reducing stress so that you both reap the benefits
Step 4. Do fun activities together
Set aside time to restore friendships and romantic relationships. Decide on an activity that you enjoy together, such as swimming, enjoying your favorite food at a restaurant, taking a leisurely walk in the park, or visiting a museum.
Step 5. Create a romantic atmosphere
If you both just had a big fight that makes it hard to make up again, being affectionate with your partner can be one surefire tip. Give him something he has always wanted or invite him to enjoy massage therapy. If you want another way that is more memorable, sign up for an excursion together or invite him to do activities according to his hobbies. Whatever you want to do, make sure he feels appreciated and loved.
Remember that being affectionate doesn't mean apologizing or being a solution to a problem
Step 6. Be prepared for change
After a fight, maybe your partner seems different than usual or there is another side of him that you just discovered. As husband/wife, remember that the passing of the honeymoon atmosphere is a natural thing and learn to accept your partner as they are with all their shortcomings. If fighting changes your relationship or your perception of your partner, accept this fact without being hostile to him. Sometimes, fighting brings new dynamics to both of you. So, be flexible in the face of change.
- Many couples hope things go back "to the way they were". However, remember that relationships are always evolving and changing. Therefore, try to accept reality and see the positive aspects of this experience to live a better quality of life.
- Use the experience as a learning opportunity to strengthen your relationship with your partner.
Step 7. See a family counselor
If you both decide you want to continue the relationship, but are still fighting a lot, ask for the help of a counselor who can help your partner overcome communication problems, relationship breakdowns, differences of opinion, and foster positive emotions in each other. Deciding to see a counselor is not easy, but remember that counseling can help restore and strengthen relationships.
- Consult a counselor as early as possible, instead of choosing this option as a last resort. Asking for help and support from others shows strengths, not weaknesses.
- Seek information about family counselors through insurance companies or mental health clinics. Also, ask friends for recommendations or use the internet to find a therapist in a nearby location.
