Marriage is the main bond that can occur between two people who love each other. You swear to love each other through ups and downs, but sometimes relationships get strained. Perhaps you had a big fight, or you felt that the two of you were drifting away from each other, or you might come to a point where you realized that you needed to mend the relationship. To keep a relationship going well, it takes hard work and commitment so that your love for each other will stay strong, and marriage is no exception. With a little hard work, understanding, and a little patience, you and your partner can improve your marriage and remind you why you both vowed to love each other.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Improving Communication
Step 1. Listen to your partner
Often couples who have been married for a long time take what each other has to say. For example, your partner may say that something you are doing is bothering you, but you may think it's not that important because the two of you have been together for a long time. However, little by little it becomes a hill, and when a partner feels belittled or considered a breeze, it can lead to trust and intimacy problems later in life.
- Start by spending quality time with your partner. Quality time is time you spend unconditionally and completely dedicated to your partner. Whatever happens, you set aside this time specifically for your partner. Phone ringing? Ignore or hang up the phone in front of your partner. Seriously. And then… Listen. Sit together, observe each other, enjoy each other's company and enjoy your time together. Do it at least once a week for 30-60 minutes. As you enjoy this togetherness, remember why you are marrying a partner.
- If your partner says there is a problem, you should take the statement seriously. Try to solve the problem, either alone or together, but make sure you take your partner's concerns seriously.
- Pay attention to your partner's needs. If your partner says what he wants from your relationship, try to make it happen or work together to find a middle ground.
Step 2. Be open and honest with each other
Honesty is very important in a relationship, especially if you are married. You need to feel that you can trust your partner, and you want your partner to feel the same way. But honesty and openness are not just limited to telling the truth; it also means not hiding information, and not keeping it in case something needs to be worked out together.
- Never lie to your partner. Even a small lie, such as saying that nothing bothers you, when in fact something is bothering you, can eventually boil over into annoyance and argument.
- Be open and show your vulnerable side in front of your partner. Share your secret hopes and dreams with your partner, your deepest fears and other things you've been hiding.
- Let your partner open up and show his vulnerability in front of you. This can help build trust and maintain a stronger sense of intimacy and affection.
Step 3. Try to compromise
Making compromises can be not easy, especially when emotions are high after an argument. However, wanting to be right for 30 seconds isn't worth the tension that comes with arguing and it can affect your relationship in the long run. It's natural to have disagreements or even arguments from time to time, but you have to be willing to forgo arguments on your part in favor of compromise and cooperation.
- Don't think of a debate as something to be "won". This is a dangerous line of thinking because it will trigger conflict between you and your partner.
- Forget things that aren't worth arguing about. Even if you're not wrong, having an argument isn't worth the stress and frustration it creates.
- Have mercy on ending the debate. Just because you think you're right doesn't mean further arguing your opinion will produce the results you want, so try to stop it before it gets out of hand.
- Compromise makes relationships stronger. When you both put your needs aside, including the need to be right, you can both work together as a team for the good of both parties.
Step 4. Use statements that use “I”
When you and your partner have a disagreement, it's important to prevent both of you from making accusations or insults. Many couples inadvertently hurt their partner, one of which uses "you" statements instead of "I" statements. Using “I” statements can help convey how you feel and encourage positive, productive conversation, rather than hurting your partner's feelings.
- The "you" statement sounds like you're throwing accusations at your partner. For example, “You are always late, and as a result you make me look bad!”
- “I” statements put the conversation in a situation that focuses on feelings, not on pinning accusations or feelings of guilt. For example, "When you don't pay attention to the time when we have to be somewhere, it makes me feel like you don't really care about my feelings."
- An “I” statement has three components: a brief, non-accusatory description of the particular behavior that is causing you problems, how you feel about that behavior, and the real, concrete impact that your partner's particular behavior has had on you.
- The behavioral component should stick to the facts in the situation in question, your feelings should be directly related to the behavior, and impact should explain the consequences or support your feelings in the matter.
- The goal is to be as specific as possible and stick to the problem at hand. Don't bring up other unrelated problems or feelings, just focus on the real impact of the current problem.
Step 5. Never yell at your partner
Many people started screaming, without even realizing it. When you are arguing, your emotions may be on a high, and you may feel very excited about what you are arguing about. However, yelling at your partner only does one thing or two: either your partner will yell back, and both of you will yell at each other, or your partner will become very scared of you. Whatever the outcome, the situation is destructive and can put a lot of strain on your relationship.
- You may find relief when you scream and vent your frustration, but your emotions will run high.
- You're more likely to say unwanted things when you scream, and you won't be able to take those hurtful words back when you calm down.
- Avoid talking about important things when you (and/or your partner) are upset. Go for a walk, or simply apologize to leave the room for 5 or 10 minutes, then start the conversation again when both of you have calmed down.
Part 2 of 3: Relive Romance
Step 1. Change your routine
Whether you've been married for two years or twenty, you and your partner can easily get caught up in burnout. Routines are formed for convenience reasons and can make your daily life easier, but getting stuck in the saturation and routine in your relationship can kill romance slowly, without you even realizing it.
- If you usually eat at home most nights, try going out for a dinner date. If you usually make your own meals, try cooking a meal for a couple and eating it together.
- Do something fun together, something you or your partner wouldn't normally do. There's no need to do anything fancy, just something that encourages both of you to have fun and have fun together.
- Go on a romantic getaway together, or simply make plans to spend a fun and exciting day together - even if it might just be going to the carnival or having fun at the amusement park.
Step 2. Make flirts with each other
When you and your partner were still dating, you probably flirted with each other all the time. So, why did you quit? Most couples are comfortable with each other, and that's definitely a good thing. But one of the downsides to those comfortable conditions is that you forget how to turn on the charm, often because you won't have to do it for months (or even years).
- Make eye contact.
- Smile at your partner or do something silly.
- Use romantic body language, and imitate your partner's body language.
- Stand facing each other, avoid crossing your arms, and lean toward each other when speaking.
Step 3. Increase physical contact
Physical contact is an important component of intimacy. Physical contact makes you feel wanted, and that feeling can make you feel comfortable and closer to your partner. If the two of you are already very intimate and have a lot of physical contact, move on. However, if that part is missing from your relationship, try to get it back.
- Physical contact doesn't necessarily mean sex (although many people do see sex as part of a healthy marriage). Physical contact can mean holding hands, hugging, hugging, kissing, or any contact that implies affection.
- Your partner may want as much physical contact as you want, but they may be too shy or worried that you don't want it either.
- Don't stress yourself out from physical contact. You just need to get started. Your partner will appreciate it, and it will help you both feel closer to each other.
- Remember that feelings often follow actions. If you both put in the effort and try to make a romantic evening for each other, romantic feelings will follow.
Step 4. Take time for intimacy
If you've been married for a while, you both may feel overwhelmed all the time trying to balance life at work and life at home. This is even scarier if you have children. But making time for uninterrupted intimacy (kids, phone/e-mail from work, etc.) can work wonders to bring back sparks in your relationship, especially if you make it a constant priority from week to week.
- Spending time together, especially if it's accompanied by physical contact, often creates the atmosphere for sex and will make both of you feel closer to each other.
- If necessary, schedule time for intimate and/or sex. Experts suggest that taking just 30 minutes to do something intimate together without being disturbed can do wonders for your relationship.
- Leave the kids in a nanny, or if they're old enough to go out with friends, just give them money to go see a movie or go shopping at the mall. This will give you time to be alone with your partner.
- Turn off your cell phone when you're spending intimate moments with your partner. Nothing can spoil the mood quite like when a couple is forced to handle a protracted phone call from the office.
- Intimacy is not something that is done once, then is done. You should work hard to set aside time for intimacy every week, or several times a week, or as often as both of you need.
Step 5. Express your favorite lovemaking style
This relates to being honest and open in communicating with each other. Some people are afraid to express their desires to others, even to their partner. However, your preference for sex is not something you should be ashamed of. Discuss with your partner about your lovemaking style or sexual fantasies, and ask your partner about their preferences. No matter what you or your partner want, show mutual respect for each other's needs.
- The feelings that arise from unfulfilled sexual preferences can make sex unsatisfactory, and over time it can feel like a chore.
- The best way to enjoy sex together is to communicate to your partner what you like and don't like, and ask your partner to do the same.
- Show a willingness to explore new things together in the bedroom so that you and your partner's needs can be met. Also, trying new things in general can create a spark of intimacy in your relationship, and it's possible that both of you can enjoy a new routine.
- Showing respect for your partner's needs doesn't mean putting you in an uncomfortable situation. It's okay if you want to set boundaries and ask your partner to respect them.
Step 6. Consider seeing a couples therapist
Some people are under the impression that couples therapy is only for couples who are on the verge of divorce. However, that is not true. Couples therapy can help you and your partner improve your communication skills, find ways to feel more intimate, and resolve any difficulties that arise in your marriage.
- There is nothing embarrassing or stigmatizing about seeing a therapist. Couples therapy can help you and your partner at any stage in your relationship.
- If you or your partner only have sex occasionally or not at all before you were like a sex machine, your therapist may refer you to your doctor to see if there is a medical explanation for this.
- Sometimes certain medications can reduce a person's sexual desire or ability to have sex. Alternatively, there are emotional reasons why a person's sex drive decreases.
- Be honest and open with therapists and doctors so they can help with your intimacy issues.
Part 3 of 3: Strengthening Your Marriage Ties
Step 1. Show gratitude for the little things
The big risk in a long term relationship is taking each other for granted. No matter how much you love and value your partner, there is always a risk that you will become so used to each other that you forget to show gratitude for all that your partner does. If you make an effort to show gratitude, your partner will most likely do the same.
- Say thank you when your partner does something for you, whether it's cooking a meal, fixing a broken cupboard, or simply buying something at the supermarket for you.
- Showing your partner that you appreciate the little things they do will make them feel appreciated, and they're more likely to continue to do nice things for you (and vice versa) in the future.
Step 2. Take time to pay attention to your partner
Another aspect that makes couples feel neglected is forgetting to compliment each other. You might think your partner knows you love him, and that's probably true. But nothing puts a smile on your face like hearing someone find you attractive and hot. So try to make each other feel special as often as possible.
- It's actually very easy to pay attention to your partner. Compliment your partner when he or she wears an interesting outfit, or new haircut, any progress after starting a new workout routine, and so on.
- Try to praise your partner for their efforts in front of others. Praising your partner's accomplishments when he or she is too embarrassed to show it can make your partner feel loved.
Step 3. Go on a date with your partner
As your relationship progresses, it may become increasingly difficult for you to make time for dates, or to go out and spend a romantic evening alone. Especially if you have children. But having a regular date schedule that you spend alone with your partner can bring back the thrill and passion you felt for each other when you were actually dating, and that passion is important in maintaining a long-term marriage.
- Make a commitment to spend the night alone. Hire a babysitter to look after the kids, or ask them to spend the night at a friend's house.
- Choose a romantic restaurant. If you both have a favorite restaurant you can go to or if you can recreate your first date, even better.
- Dress up to respect each other. Try to impress your partner as if the two of you are still dating and not married.
- After dinner take a romantic walk, or go see a show together. Focus on making the night an intimate one and the two of you alone.
Step 4. Make sure you are satisfied
In addition to having a feeling that your sexual needs are being met, it's important that you feel that your life has meaning and that you've accomplished something. It may come as a surprise, but experts argue that having goals and accomplishments that are personal and separate from your partner's can actually strengthen your marriage.
- When you feel that your personal goals are being met, the easier it will be for you to dedicate yourself to your partner.
- If you are very career-oriented, make time for your career. If you are an artist, improve the quality of your art. If you are an athlete, train for a marathon.
- No matter what your partner's goals and accomplishments are, it's important that you have goals of your own. You and your partner should support each other, and should celebrate each other's accomplishments.
Tips
- Respect your partner. Never do anything that could betray your partner's trust, such as lying or having an affair.
- Always show affection. Kiss or hug your partner and tell them that you love them.
- If you're feeling jealous, don't make a fuss. Have a private talk with your partner, and make sure you say something like: “Listen to me, please. You know that I love you and trust you, but I'm helpless and I feel jealous seeing you with that person. Forgive me." Your boyfriend should understand and explain the situation so you don't have to feel jealous anymore.
- Go outside together. Go on a date, whether by going to a fancy restaurant or simply enjoying the satay sold on the street.
- Show a friendly attitude to your partner's friends, and try to socialize a little with them. Whenever you see them, say hello and have a little chat. Friendships may be important to your partner, so getting to know their friends will have a long-lasting impact on strengthening your relationship.
