When your friend is facing the end of a relationship, has lost a loved one, or is going through another tough time, you need to do whatever you can to help her. Even though no action or words can lift the hurt he's feeling, you can provide him with your presence and lots of support. Regardless of the situation he is in, be a good friend to help him recover from the hurt he feels.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Giving Her Presence
Step 1. Let him grieve
He needs to face his own emotions in order to get through the tough times. Therefore, encourage him to deal with it. Tell him that he will never feel calmer or relieved if he is constantly denying what he is experiencing or ignoring his feelings about it.
- Tell him that it's okay if he wants to cry. Tears can help him recover.
- If you feel like he's holding back his emotions, tell him that holding back will only make it harder for him to recover from the hurt.
- The stages of grief usually include sadness, shock, regret, closure, and acceptance. Don't be surprised if your friend goes through all of these things, or suddenly disappears and reappears.
- Everyone deals with grief in a different way so don't judge the process. However, if he is paralyzed by his grief and cannot recover, suggest that he see a counselor.
- If he lost someone close to him, try planning some kind of memorial service for that person so he can grieve.
Step 2. Listen to the story
Sharing your feelings can help him recover from the hurt, so make sure he knows you're willing to listen to his story when he needs you. Be a good listener and let him talk for as long as he wants.
- Make sure you let him know that you want to listen. He may really want to talk to you, but is afraid to burden you.
- Call your friend as soon as you hear what happened to him and let him know that you are concerned about his condition. After that, you can say that you want to hear her story, but don't be offended if she doesn't think she's ready or doesn't want to talk.
- Don't give advice unless asked. Your friend may just want to complain, and doesn't need input.
- If he doesn't want to talk, suggest that he write down his concerns and thoughts in a journal.
- You can ask questions about what happened, especially if you're on good terms with him. That way, you can understand the situation he is in and the appropriate help that can be provided.
Step 3. Show empathy
Let him know that you care about his feelings and want to help him through this difficult time. Instead of judging him, acknowledge and understand his wound, and say that you are also sorry for what happened to him.
- Always offer simple condolences by saying, for example, "I'm so sorry."
- If the relationship recently ended, don't say negative things about your ex to make her feel better. Instead of saying, "He's such a jerk. You better separate from him,” just admit the loss he feels by saying, “It must be hard to lose someone you care about and love for so long.”
- Also, pointing out the positive side of the situation doesn't usually help. Instead of saying, "There must be a reason behind all of this," try saying "I'm sorry for what happened to you. What can I do to make you feel calmer?"
- Don't say that there is a reason behind everything that happens. You can actually seem to underestimate the hurt he feels if you say things like that.
Step 4. Check the condition
Heartbreak can last a long time so don't expect it to heal after a day or two. Check on him regularly and ask how he is feeling. Always remind him that you are there to help and support him in any way.
- Don't wait for him to contact you first. He may really need you, but feel reluctant or hesitant to contact you first.
- Call, text, or leave a note to show that you thought about it. You may need to do this every day or every few days until he looks better, depending on how close you are to him.
- Call him at the right time to show that you're thinking about him. For example, if he loses a loved one, don't call him at the funeral. However, you can call him in the evening or the next day to find out how he is doing.
- When you check on his condition, make sure you remind him that you are there for him if he needs someone to talk to.
Step 5. Give a little help
If your friend is feeling down to the point of neglecting daily work, try offering to help. For example, you could go shopping or visit her to help her with a math assignment.
- If he refuses your help, say that you will still accept his request if he ever needs your help.
- If you're good friends, try giving him an unexpected surprise (e.g. delivering pizza to his house).
- Invite him to eat together. Thus, he can get back the nutrients he needs. He also has reasons to leave the house, and maybe that actually works for him.
Step 6. Don't force it
You may want to help him, but you can't cross certain boundaries either. Let him grieve in his own way and give him the time he needs to heal and forget the hurt. Don't expect him to be happy right away or force him to forget the wound.
- Keep in mind that at this stage, your friend may seem selfish and might not make a good friend. Try to show understanding and ignore the attitude. In the end, he will return to his old self.
- Take small steps when encouraging him to be more active. If he's feeling reluctant to attend a party, ask if he'd like to come over to your house and watch a movie with you.
Step 7. Keep healthy boundaries and don't always say "yes" to every request
Helping a friend is fine, but it's also important to say "no" when you don't feel like/able to help. Make sure you don't give him too much time and emotional energy. There are several things you can do to maintain healthy boundaries, such as:
- Know your limits (eg what you can/cannot do). For example, you may be able to listen to their voices about their ex, but not act as a messenger between them or find out about your friend's ex-girlfriend.
- Affirm your boundaries to him by explaining what you can and cannot do. For example, you could say, “I love hearing your story, but I can't take calls during business hours. We can chat again after I get home from work.”
- Be forthright when your boundaries are crossed. You could say, for example, "I want to help you as much as I can, but like I said before, I can't do what you want."
- Pay attention to your own feelings or moods and let your friend know if you need a break by saying, “I wanted to help you, but I'm really overwhelmed right now. How about we chat again tomorrow?”
Tip:
If you want to help your friend, but feel overwhelmed, refer him or her to another source of help. For example, if he is feeling very down and needs to talk to someone, suggest that he call the Ministry of Health's Mental Health hotline at 021-500454. You can also refer him to sites like Into the Light and the Get Happy Community so he can connect with free online support groups for people with depression.
Step 8. Treat yourself to replenish drained emotional energy
You can't give help when you feel "empty" yourself. Therefore, it is important that you take care of yourself while trying to help your friend recover. Do things that you enjoy and make you happy so that you can recharge your emotional energy. Set aside at least 30 minutes each day to do something enjoyable and relaxing, such as:
- Take a leisurely walk
- Bathing
- Enjoy a hobby (eg knitting, painting, or playing video games)
Part 2 of 3: Helping Her Rise from Sadness
Step 1. Tell him that he is a strong person
Right now, your friend may not feel proud or confident so it's important that you remind her that she is a great, strong person. Say things that make you admire him and let him know that he needs these things to get through this difficult time.
- Try to write the advantages in the list. Maybe the list is just what he needs to feel happier.
- Be specific about what makes you feel that he is a strong person. Tell him about another difficult time he has gone through in his life and say that you are proud of the way he has faced and lived through those moments.
Step 2. Help him to become an independent person
If he used to often do activities with someone he is no longer with (eg, his ex-girlfriend), he may feel that he needs that person so that he can return to his normal activities. Help her realize that she can live a happy life without this person by encouraging her to work alone or with other friends.
- You can help him find a new hobby that won't remind him of his ex, or encourage him to make new friends. If most of the people you used to spend time with are friends with your ex, try introducing your friend to other people who don't know her ex.
- If your friend has a hobby or activity that she used to enjoy, make sure she continues to do it. Thus, his mind will not be fixated on the end of the relationship.
Step 3. Do physical activities together
Physical activity can refresh the soul so invite him to move and exercise. Any exercise, whether organized or light exercise for fun, can help him feel better.
- Take him to gym class with you.
- If you can't get him to do some strenuous exercise, ask him if he'd like to take a leisurely walk with you.
Step 4. Encourage him to seek professional help
If he's having a hard time dealing with the hurt or heartbreak he's going through, suggest talking to a therapist. Professionals can provide him with support and encouragement that his loved ones may not be able to offer.
- This is important to remember, especially if your friend is suicidal or exhibits self-injurious behavior (eg taking drugs or self-injury). He needs help so make sure he can get it!
- Support groups can also be an option, depending on the conditions or events your friend is experiencing. That way, he can get a chance to talk to other people who know exactly what he's going through.
Part 3 of 3: Preventing Destructive Behavior
Step 1. Advise him not to use electronic devices
If your friend is heartbroken as a result of the breakup, it may be tempting to talk bad about her ex or nag on social media, but that won't heal her. Convince him to take a break from social media and hide the details of his relationship. He also won't see anything his ex-girlfriend and/or friends have posted about the end of their relationship.
This move is also appropriate for hurt caused by other situations, especially if your friend is overwhelmed by people expressing their sympathy for her
Step 2. Stop the obsessive behavior
There are several activities that actually exacerbate the inner wounds he feels. Therefore, retry the destructive behaviors that irritated your friend, and hold him back from doing these things. Tell him that you understand how he feels and encourage him to stop exhibiting these behaviors.
- Make sure he doesn't bother his ex-girlfriend after the relationship ends. If he keeps in touch with him or asks everyone how his ex is doing, let him know that you're worried about his condition.
- If your friend loses her job, keep her from reading (or posting) negative reviews about her old company on the internet.
Step 3. Observe unhealthy habits
When going through difficult times, it will be easy for you to neglect your own health. Therefore, make sure your friends don't neglect their health. If you find out that he's not getting enough sleep, isn't eating well, or is starting to drink and take drugs, raise your concerns and encourage him to lead a healthier lifestyle.
- Talk to him alone to intervene directly if you observe these behaviors. He himself may not have realized what he was doing.
- If you're really worried about him, talk to someone else who can help him out. This is important, especially if your friend is a child. His parents should be aware of the destructive behavior he exhibits.
Step 4. Be wary of when he jumps into a new relationship
There are different opinions about the pros and cons of starting a new relationship shortly after the old relationship ends. If your friend starts a new relationship right after the old relationship ends, it's a good idea to talk to her about why she wants a new partner quickly.
- If he tries to fill the void left by his ex by being in a relationship with someone he may not really like, the new relationship will only do more harm to him (and his date).
- On the other hand, if he feels ready for a new relationship and seems to understand well what he's looking for in a partner, the new relationship may be exactly what he needs.
Tips
- If your friend wants to talk, let her talk. Make sure you listen carefully. Don't cut him off.
- You may find yourself in a difficult situation when your friend is facing the end of her relationship and you become friends with her ex-boyfriend. It's important that you talk to your friend about his expectations so that he doesn't reach you when you talk to his ex-girlfriend one day.
