Life is an ongoing process of learning how to improve yourself. While there are people who are constantly trying to make themselves more educated or get promotions at work, sometimes we forget to improve the way we treat ourselves and those around us. In the rush to succeed, the idea of wanting to become a person who better eventually vanished in the gush of ambition and egoism. You can start learning how to improve yourself and increase your ability to love yourself and others by reading this article.
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Method 1 of 3: Start Improving Yourself
Step 1. Accept this as a process
“Becoming a better person” is a process you will live a lifetime. In this process, there is never a term that you have succeeded and there are no more opportunities for growth. Your willingness to open up during the process of change and growth will increase your flexibility. Flexibility is an important factor so you can consistently mold yourself into the person you want to be in any situation.
Accept the fact that your goals and values in life can change over time. Change can also occur if there is a problem and this is normal
Step 2. Determine the values you believe in
Even the best intentions can never be achieved, unless you understand well the values you believe in. “Values” are what matters most in your life. Values are the fundamental beliefs that shape who you are as a person and the way you live your life. By reflecting, you can determine what is really important to you.
- For example, “being a good parent” or “spending time with friends” can be of value. You can recognize the feeling of being your best based on those values.
- “In line with values” indicates the degree to which your behavior matches your values. For example, if your value is “spending time with friends”, but you always put work over socializing, this is not a value alignment. Behavior that is not in harmony with values can lead to disappointment, unhappiness, or guilt.
Step 3. Test what you believe about yourself
Our identity is also determined by the people around us. For example, several studies in the field of psychology have often shown that a person begins to become prejudiced at a very early age. These learned behaviors and beliefs will influence how we perceive ourselves and others around us. By knowing where your ideas about yourself come from, you can change useless beliefs and choose the right ones.
We also learn how to judge ourselves from others when we are in a larger group, for example based on a certain race or gender. This way can be an important factor that determines our identity
Step 4. Get to know your behavior thoroughly and honestly
Try to remember how you reacted when you were stressed, dealing with loss, dealing with anger, treating loved ones. Try to identify your current behavior so you can determine how to improve yourself.
After reflecting on your behavior, of course, you can determine specifically what changes you should make
Step 5. Specify what you need to change
Instead of saying, “I want to be a better friend,” break it down into small plans. What does it mean? Would you like to see other people more often? Would you like to spend more time hanging out with friends?
- Steve Jobs, an inventor and entrepreneur, once said that he always asked himself this question every morning: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I have to do today?” If he cannot answer “yes”, he will make changes. This question will be helpful too if you ask yourself.
- Come up with a reasonable idea of change. For example, if you are an introvert, it may not be appropriate or there is no alignment of values if you want to “become a better person” by “going to parties”. Instead, turn your idea of making a change into something you can achieve and align with, for example: “Practice saying hello to people I don't know.”
Step 6. Set goals for yourself
Write your goals down on a piece of paper or even better if you can start a journal. This way, it will be easier for you to introspect and get to know yourself better from an objective point of view.
- Journal writing should be an active reflective activity. It won't do much good if you just write random thoughts. Instead, write about a problem you've been through, how you felt at the time, how you reacted, how you felt afterwards, and what other ways you'd like to do it.
- Try asking some of these questions to get you started: Is there a particular relationship you would like to improve with a loved one? Would you like to be more generous? Would you like to contribute more to the environment? Do you want to learn to be a better husband/wife or lover?
Step 7. Define positive goals
Research has shown that you are more likely to succeed in achieving your goals if your goals are formulated “positively” (what you want to do) rather than negatively (what you don't want to do). Negative goal formulation will lead to self-assessment or feelings of guilt during the process of achieving it. Think of your goal as something you want to strive for, rather than avoid.
For example, if you want to be more grateful, formulate this wish in a positive way: "I will thank the people who have been kind to me." Don't define goals as an assessment of past behavior, for example, "I don't want to be ungrateful anymore."
Step 8. Look for role models
Role models can be a good source of inspiration and stories of their experiences can give us strength in difficult times. You can choose a clergyman, politician, artist, or close person you admire.
- Usually it would be better if we choose people we know as role models. You can form the wrong view if you imitate the behavior of someone you don't know. In addition, you will see yourself in the wrong way. However, even religious leaders are not completely free from error.
- A role model doesn't have to be someone who can change the world. Mahatma Gandhi and Mother Teresa are very inspiring figures, but they are not the only ones whose behavior we deserve to follow. Through small, everyday events, there are often people whose behavior and way of thinking deserve our example. For example, if you have a coworker who always looks happy, try asking why. Also ask what he thinks about life and what he usually does. You may be surprised at how many things you can learn by asking.
- I'm not saying that you can't find inspiration through stories about other people's experiences, but try to find someone whose life story you can relate to your own, especially if there aren't many people you can look up to.
- Neil deGrasse Tyson, a renowned astrophysicist, opposes the traditional view of making a role model someone you look up to. crave. Instead, he suggests that you find out what this role model has done so that he can achieve what you want. What book did he read? What habit does he do? How did he get to where you want him to be? By asking these questions and looking for answers, you can figure out your own way, instead of just copying someone else's way.
Method 2 of 3: Cultivating Love
Step 1. Love yourself
You must learn to love yourself before you can love others. Self-love doesn't mean just being selfish, it's love that makes you able to accept yourself as you are. This love grows from within to develop all the abilities and values that can truly shape you into who you really are. Remind yourself that you are a kind, loving person and most importantly, that you are precious. By being wise and kind, you will be better able to accept and understand yourself.
- Try to record all your experiences by putting yourself in the shoes of a very loving and understanding friend, rather than from your own point of view. Several studies have shown that by taking distance, you can process negative emotions instead of ignoring or suppressing them. The ability to acknowledge feelings is an important aspect of loving yourself. Often, we are much kinder to others than to ourselves. Accept yourself as you would accept others.
- Allow yourself to have brief moments of self-love throughout the day, especially when you're going through an unpleasant event. For example, if you are late for work at work, you may start to judge yourself or have a panic attack. Try to calm your mind so you can become aware of the stressful state you are in: "I'm stressed right now." After that, realize that everyone can experience this at one time or another: “I'm not the only one having this problem”. Finally, give yourself a loving touch, for example by placing your hand on your chest while saying something positive to yourself: “I can learn to be a strong person. I can learn to be patient. I can learn to accept myself.”
Step 2. Don't criticize yourself
Try to appreciate your best talents and abilities, both physically and mentally. If you are always hostile to yourself, you will also be hostile to others.
- Start noting when you think negatively about yourself. Write down what the situation was like at the time, what you thought, and what the consequences of your thoughts were.
- For example, at first you might start making notes that say: “I went to the gym. Turns out, there were a lot of slim people there and I was starting to feel fat. I was angry with myself and so ashamed. Finally, I went straight home even though I had not finished exercising.”
- Next time, try to give a rational response to the thought. It may be difficult at first, but you can change the way you think if you keep trying to fight negative thoughts about yourself by thinking logically based on true facts.
- For example, a rational response to the situation might be: “I go to the gym to keep myself healthy and in shape. My actions are good and I care about myself. Why should I be ashamed for caring about myself? Everyone's body shape is different and my body shape is not the same as other people's. People who look very fit have probably been training longer than me. They may also have good genes. If other people judge me based on my appearance, do I need to respect their opinion? Or, should I appreciate the people who support and encourage me to take care of myself?”
- The habit of self-criticism usually comes in the form of “should”, for example “I should have a luxury car” or “I should have worn a certain size clothes”. We cannot be happy and we will feel ashamed if we always compare ourselves to other people's standards. Determine what you want for yourself and reject what others say about your “should”.
Step 3. Get to know your regular habits
At times, we feel complacent with ourselves and our lives. A monotonous routine will only trap us in a pattern of reactive or avoidant behavior. Without you knowing it, bad habits and behaviors emerge.
- For example, if you feel offended by someone, you might create boundaries to distance yourself from this person. These boundaries will protect you from getting offended again, but more importantly, you won't be able to feel happiness and connect with other people.
- By finding new routines, for example by participating in social activities or making new friends, you can discover abilities that you weren't aware of. In addition, you can also build relationships with other people and discover new things about your emotions.
- Finding ways to break bad habits will also lead you to meet people who can change the way you view life. Research has shown that negative behaviors, such as prejudice or fear, are often the result of cultural influences or other people's views. Eventually, you will find that you can learn from others and that others can learn from you too.
Step 4. Work on controlling your anger or jealousy
These emotions are normal in everyday life, but it's hard to feel happy if you're always angry or envious of other people. You have to be receptive to the behavior and desires of others if you want to cultivate love for yourself and become the person you want to be.
- Anger usually arises because we assume something should doesn't happen to us or when things don't go our way. You can deal with anger by developing the ability to appreciate that what you plan doesn't always work out the way you expect it to.
- Direct your attention to the things you can't control and don't worry too much about what you can. Remember that you can control your actions, not the consequences. You can feel more relaxed and less irritable when things don't go well (which can happen at times) by focusing on action rather than trying to control the consequences that you can't control.
Step 5. Forgive the other person
The ability to forgive others will benefit physical health. The habit of holding grudges and remembering past mistakes can increase blood pressure and speed up the heart rate, while the ability to forgive can relieve stress. Despite its benefits, forgiving others is perhaps the most difficult thing to do in everyday life.
- Think about the mistake you want to forgive. Try to pay attention to the thoughts that arise from this error. How do you feel about people who do wrong? How does your body feel?
- Reflect on this experience through a learning perspective. Could you have chosen a different way then? Is there any other way this person can do it? Can you learn from this experience? Your ability to transform a painful experience into a learning will help you relieve pain.
- Talk to this person. Don't blame others because they will feel attacked. Instead, use the statement I to express how you feel and ask him to share his feelings with you.
- Value peace more than justice. One of the reasons that makes it difficult for us to forgive is because of feelings Justice. The person who wronged you may never experience the consequences of his or her actions, but it will be your loss if you continue to harbor anger and hurt. Forgiveness should not depend on any particular reason or outcome.
- Remember that forgiveness is not freeing someone from guilt. Mistakes have been made and you don't justify this wrongdoing because you forgive. What you are doing is to let go of the burden of not wanting to keep anger in your heart.
Step 6. Say thank you
Gratitude is not just a feeling, it requires an action. The habit of being grateful will make you a more positive, happier, and healthier person. Gratitude has been shown to help people overcome trauma, strengthen their relationships, and give love to others.
- Keep a journal of gratitude. Write down an incident for which you want to be grateful. Maybe through small things, like a sunny morning or a hot cup of coffee. You can also be grateful for things that cannot be measured, such as being loved by your partner or friendship. By paying attention to the little things and writing them down, you can save this experience for later.
- Enjoy surprising things. Unexpected or surprising events are more powerful than everyday events. You may experience a small surprise, for example: record a time when your partner helps with the dishes or when you receive a text from a friend who hasn't contacted you in months.
- Share your gratitude with others. It's easier to remember positive things if you share them with others. Sharing habits will also make others feel happy and want to thank you.
Step 7. Cultivate empathy
Humans were created to establish social relationships with each other around them. From an early age, we learn how to "read" other people's behavior and imitate it. We do this in order to be accepted by the environment, get what we want and need, and feel connected to others. However, empathy is more than being able to understand the behavior and feel the emotions of others. Empathy requires the ability to imagine what it would be like to live another person's life, think the other person's way of thinking, and feel what the other person feels. By developing the ability to empathize, you will be more sensitive to the feelings of others, better able to relate to others, and easier to get along with. In addition, you are also able to treat others as you would like to be treated yourself.
- Research has shown that practicing loving-kindness meditation or meditation in order to be able to love will stimulate certain areas of the brain that are responsible for emotional activity. Meditation can also help reduce stress and make you feel more stable. Meditation exercises to calm the mind also have the same effect, but are less useful for developing empathy.
- Research has shown that you can increase your ability to empathize by actively imagining what the other person is going through. Reading fiction can also develop your ability to understand other people's perspectives.
- Don't judge right away, if you can. Research has shown that we usually lack empathy for those we hold responsible for their suffering, such as people who “experienced the things they deserved.” Remember that you don't know what their living conditions were like or their past.
- Look for people with different backgrounds. Research has shown that you are more likely to empathize with people of different cultures or beliefs. The more you meet people with different mindsets and behaviors, the less likely you are to make unfounded judgments or make assumptions.
Step 8. Focus on people, not events
We tend to be less grateful for things that are not material, such as when we feel loved or receive kindness. In fact, the struggle for more material possessions is usually a sign that you are trying to make ends meet for more meaningful things.
Research has shown that materialistic people usually not enough happier than their friends. They feel less happy with their lives as a whole and more often experience negative emotions such as fear and sadness.
Step 9. Get in the habit of giving to others
Not everyone can afford to donate hundreds of millions of rupiah to a favorite charity, but that doesn't mean you can't make a small contribution to people in need. Helping others is not only beneficial for the recipient, but also for you. Research has shown that people who are selfless are generally happier. They also even experienced an increase in endorphins known as hormones that give a sense of happiness because they do good for others.
- Be a volunteer. Instead of spending the weekend watching TV, try volunteering at a nearby orphanage or nursing home. By serving others, you'll feel more connected to them and a part of a community so you don't feel left out.
- Give something good every day. Perhaps you can provide a little help by bringing an elderly person's groceries to their car or giving proper directions to someone driving a car. The more you do this, the more you will realize how great it is to be able to help others and in the end, you'll be able to overcome selfish desires.
- Research has proven that the principle of “doing good selflessly” really does apply. The act of helping others will spread from one person to another. Small acts that you do by showing kindness and generosity can inspire others to do the same. This means, there will be other people who are also inspired and inspire others, and so on.
Step 10. Pay attention to how your behavior affects others
We can spend so much time watching our own behavior that we don't have time to pay attention to how it affects others. This is due to the psychological defense mechanisms we use to interact with others. If everyone responds to you the same way, you may have bad habits. It is possible that your development will be hampered by the self-defense mechanisms you have been using.
- For example, consider how other people respond to you. Are they easily offended by what you say? Chances are, it's not that the other person is overly sensitive, but that you've built your own defense mechanism by offending other people to make you feel better. Try using different ways of communicating with other people so as not to elicit the same painful response.
- Observe how you interact with other people. Try to find patterns and determine which patterns are good and which are not. The more you are able to be flexible and adaptive in your behavior, the more in tune you will be with those around you.
Method 3 of 3: Making the Right Choice
Step 1. Develop your talents
Everyone has a skill or interest that they are good at and are passionate about. If you don't think you're talented, you probably haven't found it yet. Usually you have to put a lot of effort into trying different things until you find what works best for you.
- People with similar traits will usually be attracted to the same activities. For example, people who enjoy adrenaline-pumping activities may not be interested in joining a quieter, more sedentary knitting group, but people who enjoy quiet activities may be very interested in this group. You can find what what you like by specifying who people you like as friends get together.
- Be patient. Change doesn't happen overnight, but it takes effort and time. Try hard because breaking old habits, making new friends, or doing new activities is not easy, especially if you are very busy.
- Sign up for a course you love, practice a musical instrument, or play a sport. Not only learning new things, you can also meet people who have the same interest in learning. Try to learn new things that can take you out of your comfort zone in a safe and useful way.
Step 2. Do what you love
No matter how much money you make, you won't be happy if you spend your whole life doing something you hate. While not everyone is lucky enough to find a job that fits your hobby, make an effort to make time to do things that make you happy.
- You will feel happier and more satisfied by doing things that are meaningful to your life. Try doing creative activities, such as art or music, so that you can express your feelings and thoughts in a healthy and useful way.
- There is a myth that successful people are usually only focused on certain goals. They won't let anything get in the way of their goals, including making time for themselves. Unfortunately, this way of life is very unhealthy. Try not to focus so much on one aspect of your life that you forget to develop other aspects.
- If you are very unhappy at work, try to find out why. If you can, make changes so that your feelings change too. If you're feeling unhappy because a job isn't prospective or doesn't align with your values, try looking for another job.
Step 3. Enjoy your life
Live life by maintaining a balance between work and play. Your life cannot progress and will feel monotonous if you only focus on one particular activity. Humans have the ability to adapt very quickly to positive events. Therefore, we can become desensitized to positive experiences, especially if this is the only thing we experience.
- Research has shown that when we are in our comfort zone, we are not as productive as when we are outside our comfort zone. Make an effort to find new experiences and interact with other people, even if it feels a bit scary so that you can achieve more.
- Our desire to avoid discomfort and not to be offended can mean denying flexibility. However, research has shown that being exposed to vulnerabilities, including the possibility of an error occurring, is very important so that you can experience everything in living life.
- Start by practicing meditation to calm the mind. One of the goals of this meditation is to make you more aware of any recurring thought patterns that may be blocking your ability to understand and accept yourself. Find a meditation class near you or find information about the meditation technique that works best for you.
Tips
- Respect others.
- Be yourself so others see who you really are.
- Every morning before you leave the house, take a moment to look in the mirror and praise yourself. You are free to praise anything, "your dress is beautiful" is fine too. You will walk with more confidence and feel happier!
- Immediately admit your mistakes if you do wrong to others.
- It may take years for you to understand how to get to know yourself and what aspects of your life you need to improve. Be patient!
- Give second chances to others and yourself.
- Treat others as you would like to be treated yourself.
- Volunteering can be an opportunity to serve and broaden your horizons. Give the gifts that matter most to your community by sharing your time and attention.
