Sometimes you love someone so much that you end up hurting your feelings. The rejection you face, whether it's because he ended his relationship with you or even if he doesn't want to date you, can be very painful. The healing process for a broken heart can take a while, but it's a journey you have to go through.
Part 1 of 3: Make Room for Yourself
Step 1. Allow yourself to grieve
You can't deny that it really hurts when someone doesn't respect your feelings. This means that you have to give yourself time to feel the emotional outburst that heartbreak causes. Your brain is trying to tell you that you are really hurt, so don't try to suppress the overflow.
- Create a healing space for yourself. You need time and space to process your emotions and to grieve. When you first feel your heartbreak, try and find a quiet place to deal with the overflow. This might be done by going for a walk, getting into your room, or making yourself a cup of tea.
- You are likely to experience cycles of several emotions such as anger, pain, sadness, anxiety, fear, and an openness to accept. Sometimes it feels like you're going to drown, but you'll find that as you go through each cycle of feelings, you'll be able to deal with them more easily and more quickly.
- However, don't sink into despair. There's a difference between giving yourself time to work through your emotions and letting yourself sink into them. If you find that you haven't been out of the house for weeks, haven't showered, and feel uninterested in anything, you should seek professional help immediately, as this is not a healthy way to deal with a broken heart.
Step 2. Take it one day at a time
Trying to deal with all the emotional outbursts of a broken heart at once will only overwhelm you. Instead, face it moment by moment and try to stay in the present mindfully.
- A good way to focus on the present moment is to practice your mindfulness. When you find your mind jumping far ahead or looking back, remind yourself. Look around you: What do you see? What do you kiss? How does the sky look out there? What can you feel with your hands? Do you feel the breeze caressing your face?
- Don't make a grand plan to forget the person who broke your heart. Instead, just focus on dealing with the deep sadness you feel as a result of what happened to you.
Step 3. Disconnect
When a relationship ends or you feel rejected, you may feel like there is a big hole inside you, a black hole sucking all the happiness out of your life. Many people make the mistake of trying to fill the hole right away, because they can't help it. True, you will feel sick and empty.
- Give yourself some distance from the person. Delete their name from your phone so you're not tempted to text them when you're drunk. Hide or block the person on social media so you won't be tempted to stalk them online at two in the morning. Don't ask a friend who knows you both how he's doing or what he's doing. The more thoroughly you break up, the easier it will be for you to heal.
- Don't try to immediately fill the void they've left. This is one of the biggest mistakes people make when trying to heal a broken heart. Rushing into a new relationship means avoiding the pain and emptiness the previous relationship caused, but it won't really help you cope. Those feelings will only come back to haunt you more violently and more violently one day.
Step 4. Speak
You need to make sure you have a strong support system of people around you, friends and family or even a therapist, who can help you get back on track. They can't fill the void in you like your loved one, but their presence will make it easier for you to overcome that emptiness.
- Have a friend or family member you can trust and talk to, especially at odd times of the night. Try and find someone, or several people, who can replace the emotional support you previously received from that person. Ask your friends if you can contact them when you feel compelled to talk to the person you should be avoiding.
- Keeping a journal can be very helpful. Not only is it a way to get your feelings out, especially if you don't want to burden your friends too much, but it's also a great way to monitor your progress. You'll be able to see times when you start to think less about the hurt, or when you start to become interested in dating again (really interested, not just dating to fill the void left by the person).
- Sometimes you may feel the need to talk to a licensed therapist. There's nothing wrong with seeking professional help!
Step 5. Get rid of all the mementos
Keeping things with memories will only slow down your recovery process. Unless you absolutely have to keep the worn out pants your ex left, it's best to get rid of them all.
- You don't have to set up a ritual to burn everything, especially if the items can be given to people who need them more, but you do need to make sure they are no longer in your life. And depending on how the relationship ends, the burning ritual can release a variety of feelings that have been pent up.
- For each object, think of the memories you associate with it. Imagine that you put the memory in a balloon. When you get rid of the object, imagine the balloon flying away, never to bother you again.
- Donating items that are still usable can be a good way to get rid of them. That way, you can imagine the item creating new, better memories with its new owner.
Step 6. Help others
Helping others who are struggling with pain, especially pain similar to yours, can make you forget yourself for a moment. It also means that you don't sink into deep sorrow and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
- Take the time to listen and help your friend who is having a problem, so you don't have to monopolize everything with your own problems. Let them know that you are reliable and always ready to help if they need it.
- Do social work. Work in a homeless shelter or soup kitchen. Participate in a foster sibling program or other similar program.
Step 7. Allow yourself to fantasize
You may imagine the person coming back to you regretfully and feeling stupid for letting you go. You may fantasize about having sex with the person, kissing them, and being close to them. This is very reasonable.
- The more you try to get rid of the delusion, the harder it will be to get it out of your mind. When you shouldn't be thinking about something, especially something caused by yourself, that's when you will think about it.
- Give yourself a certain amount of time to daydream so you don't spend all your time on it. For example, give yourself 15 minutes each day to think about your ex who wants to be in a relationship with you again. When that time hasn't come and the thought pops into your head, get rid of it until the time is right. You don't ignore it, you'll just get over it later.
Part 2 of 3: Starting the Healing Process
Step 1. Avoid things that trigger memories
Getting rid of memorable items as discussed in the first section will help you prevent memories from triggering about that person. However, there are other triggers you need to be aware of. You won't always be able to avoid them, but trying your best to avoid mental triggers will help you recover in the long run.
- Triggers can come in any form, from the song that played when you started your relationship to the cafe where you spent so much time learning Latin with that person, even to a certain scent.
- You'll be faced with a variety of triggers, even when you're not looking for them. As you experience it, confront the trigger and the memories it evokes, then let it go. Do not linger in those feelings and memories. For example, if you see a photo of the two of you on Facebook, allow yourself to feel the sadness and regret and turn your attention to something positive or neutral (like what clothes you will wear tomorrow, or your plans to raise a cat).
- The point is not to always avoid those triggers. You can't do it. What you are trying to do is minimize the things that can hurt and remind you, so that you can continue your healing process.
Step 2. Use music to help the recovery process
It turns out that music has a therapeutic effect and can help your healing process. So put on some upbeat songs that make you feel better. It has been scientifically proven that listening to these songs triggers the release of endorphins that will make you more excited and fight stress.
- Avoid sad romantic songs. The songs will not trigger the good chemicals in your brain. On the other hand, it will make you feel sad and hurt.
- When you find yourself in the abyss of sadness and anger, that's the best time to put on upbeat songs that can lift your spirits. Putting on dance music can combine the endorphins produced when you listen to these songs with the endorphins produced by the movements you make when you dance.
Step 3. Take your attention away from the hurt
Once you've gone through the initial stages where you've made room for yourself to grieve and deal with emotional outbursts, you need to spend some time distracting yourself. When your mind is filled with memories of that person, distract yourself with another thought, an activity, and so on.
- Call a friend who once allowed you to contact them when needed. Read a book you've been wanting to read for a long time. Watch a comedy film (an added bonus, because laughter can help with the recovery process).
- The less you think about your ex and the hurt, the easier the recovery process will be. However, it takes a lot of effort. You should really make an effort to take your mind off it and realize how much time you're spending thinking about your hurt feelings.
- Don't overuse "painkillers". What is meant here are things that can help you feel temporarily immune. Sometimes you really need to take time out to rest, but you need to be careful not to overuse it, especially in the early days when you need to deal with these feelings. "Pain relievers" can be objects such as alcohol or drugs, or they can be excessive watching television or constantly browsing the internet or trying to get comfort from food.
Step 4. Change your routine
Part of how to deal with a broken heart is to deal with changes to your previous routine with the person. By doing new things, or changing how you do certain things, you will form new habits. Don't leave room in your new life for the person who broke your heart.
- You don't have to make major changes to change your routine. Just do simple things like go to the market on Saturdays and not laze in bed, try listening to a new kind of music, learn a new hobby like knitting or karate.
- You shouldn't do anything drastic, unless you've weighed all the pros and cons. Moreover, avoid doing anything drastic early in the recovery period. Once you're advanced and want to show that you've changed, then that's a better time to do something like get a tattoo or shave your head.
- If you can, try to take the time to go on vacation. Just going somewhere new for the weekend can give you a new perspective on what has happened.
Step 5. Don't interrupt your recovery process
You may experience setbacks as you try to recover. Never mind, it's part of the process! But there are a few things you can watch out for so you don't backtrack too far.
- Pay attention to the language you use. If you use words like "really bad" or "terrible" or "nightmare," you will be trapped in a negative perspective. This will fill your mind. If you can't find anything positive, at least stay neutral. For example, instead of saying "it's really bad how this relationship ended", it's better to say "This ending was very difficult for me, but I'm trying my best to get through it".
- Don't put yourself in an embarrassing situation. Don't drive past your ex's house every night to see if he's dating someone new, don't text or call him when you're drunk, and so on. These kinds of things will make it harder for you to forget the past.
- Remember that everything changes. People change, situations change. What you feel right now is not what you will feel in a week, a month, or a year. Someday you can look back on these times without feeling the pain anymore.
Part 3 of 3: Achieving Sincerity to Receive
Step 1. Don't blame
Part of the process of healing your hurt feelings, from finding sincerity to accepting how things happened, is realizing that blaming yourself or others is useless. What happened has happened and there is nothing you can do now to change it, so stop blaming.
- Try to show kindness to the person. Whatever they do or don't do, try to be sympathetic to the problem he's having, whatever he's going through. It's not that you have to forgive him, but that you have to stop holding that anger inside of you.
- Don't blame yourself either. You can accept and be determined to correct the negative things you did in the relationship in the future. But don't spend too much time thinking about these mistakes.
Step 2. Know when you are ready to move on with your life
Everyone takes a different amount of time to recover. There's no set time frame for recovering from a broken heart, but there are some signs that you may have reached a healthier stage.
- You stop wondering if it's that person who calls you every time your phone rings and you don't recognize the number.
- You've stopped fantasizing about how he came to his senses and returned to begging for forgiveness on your knees.
- You no longer feel like those songs and movies about heartbreak are about you. You find yourself genuinely enjoying reading and listening to things that have absolutely nothing to do with romance.
Step 3. Find yourself
One thing you tend to overlook when you're in a relationship and in the early stages of grieving when the relationship ends is being yourself. For a long time, it's always been about you as part of a couple and then about you as someone mourning the end of the relationship.
- Put your energy into personal growth inside out. Work out to get fitter or change your appearance. These things can go a long way in boosting your self-confidence, which may take a hit when you're feeling heartbroken. Find the part of yourself that needs improvement. For example, you may have a temper that makes you often passive aggressive, so you may want to try to find healthier ways to vent your anger.
- Develop your uniqueness. When you spend so much time with other people and try to deal with the side effects of ending a relationship, you tend to pay less attention to important aspects of yourself. Reconnect with people and activities that you didn't have time to do while you were in a relationship or when trying to cope with the end of the relationship.
- Try new things. This can help you get to know different people, people who have never met the person who caused you so much hurt. Learning new things will help you take your mind off your heartbreak and focus on the present.
Step 4. Don't let it weaken again
Just as you certainly don't want to interfere with your recovery process, you certainly don't want to do things that make you weak again and feel heartbroken. Sometimes you can't avoid it, but you can reduce the risk of it happening.
- Don't let that person back into your life too soon, or don't let them come back at all. Allowing that to happen will only lead to a re-emergence of sadness and unhappiness. Sometimes it's impossible to stay friends with an ex.
- If you really feel weak, don't panic. All the efforts you have put in to forget the hurt are not in vain. All of that will pay off. Do not give up. Everyone has to face setbacks especially for these kinds of things.
Step 5. Do the things you love
Doing things that make you happy or you enjoy will help increase dopamine levels in your brain. Dopamine is a chemical that helps create feelings of happiness and reduce stress (which will soften with a broken heart).
- Do things you can't relate to your ex. Try new things, or do things you stopped when you were with your ex.
- Learn to be happy. People are attracted to happy people, because happy people make them feel happy. Even if you can't be happy all the time, try to do the things you enjoy and live a life you enjoy.
Step 6. Give affection
After the end of a relationship and the long process of recovering from heartache, you may find it difficult to open up again to other people. Don't let what happened in the past negatively affect what is in your present or future.
Understand that even though you might get hurt again if you open up, you should still do it. Shutting down is a surefire way to cultivate a variety of problems with your health, both mentally and physically
Step 7. Don't be discouraged
It's important to remember that healing heartache is a process. This will not happen instantly. You will experience setbacks and various problems, you will experience a series of unpleasant feelings.
Motivate yourself by celebrating small victories. If you manage to get through a whole day without thinking about your ex, celebrate with a piece of cake or your favorite drink
- Keep loving yourself even if it feels impossible at times. You will become a stronger person in the long run.
- Helping others is often helping yourself. Give good advice and don't think negatively.
- One joke a day will make you laugh and at times like this, even if it feels inappropriate, it will make you happy.
- Don't just rely on these tips. If things get worse, you may need to consider seeking professional help.
- Never hurt or try to hurt yourself because of a broken heart.