Is lying second nature to you? Once you get into that habit, it will be very difficult to be able to tell the truth again. Lying can be as addictive as smoking or drinking alcohol. Lying provides comfort and is an emergency mechanism you can use when faced with feelings of discomfort. As with most types of addiction, stopping lying is very important for your good. And like any dependency, the first step is admitting that you have a problem.
Step
Method 1 of 3: Deciding to Stop Lying
Step 1. Find out why you lied
People often develop the habit of lying from an early age. Perhaps you learned to lie as a child where you were more likely to get what you wanted if you lied, and you continue to do so as a teenager and beyond as a way of dealing with the difficult situations we all face in life. Knowing the root cause of your lies is the first step to making change.
- Do you lie as a way to gain control over certain situations? When you can see a clear path to achieving your goals by lying, telling the truth will be difficult. Maybe you're used to lying as a way to get other people to do what you want them to do.
- Are you lying as a way to make yourself look better? The pressure to compete takes us away from the moment when we can understand what it means. Lying is an easy way to increase your status at work, in your social circle, and even those you love.
- Maybe you lied as a way to entertain yourself. Telling the truth is often very difficult, causing tension, awkwardness, and discomfort. Lying to others, and sometimes to yourself, saves you from having to deal with uncomfortable situations and feelings.
Step 2. Decide why you want to quit
Why stop lying when it can make life easier? If you don't have a clear reason to quit, it will be harder for you to become a more honest person. Think hard about the effect lying can have on you, your relationships, and your purpose in life. Here are some reasons to stop lying:
- To feel like an honest person again. When you lie, you create distance between yourself and reality. You are hiding a part of yourself and showing the world what is wrong. Doing this over and over again will have a negative effect on your well-being and self-worth. You deserve the freedom to be able to tell the world the truth about yourself. You deserve to be known for who you really are. Regaining the ability to be proud of your identity may actually be the most important reason to stop lying.
- To reconnect with others. Lying with other people prevents the formation of a genuine relationship. Good relationships are based on a person's ability to share a part of himself with others. The more you tell each other about yourself, the closer your relationship will be. If you can't be honest with other people, it will have a negative effect on your ability to make friends and your sense of belonging to a real community.
- To regain the trust of others. Lying may not cause physical harm but when done to manipulate the behavior of others, it reduces their free will and their right to make choices based on the truth. If people you know catch you lying, they will protect themselves from further manipulation by distrusting you. The only way to regain someone's trust is to start being honest, keep being honest until they trust your words again. This can take years, so it's a good idea to start now.
Step 3. Make a commitment to quit
Treat lying as you would any other dependency, make a serious commitment to quitting. This venture requires a lot of thought and hard work, so set a date on which you vow to be honest and put the plan into action to make it work. Reading this article is already a great step.
Method 2 of 3: Making a Plan
Step 1. Seek outside help
You may feel alone in your struggle to stop lying, but many people have been through this and can help. It's hard to stop all kinds of addictions alone. Ask for help from people who can give you good advice and help you take responsibility for your goals.
- Try with a therapist. Talking to someone with a background in psychology and experience in helping people go through the same thing will be invaluable in your transition from lying to being honest.
- Talk to people close to you. Certain people in your life will be able to help you stop lying, even if they have been harmed by your dishonesty. If you feel comfortable doing so, tell your parents, siblings, or close friends about your plans to stop lying, so they can give you support.
- Join a support group. Talking to other people who understand exactly what you're going through is invaluable. Look for online support groups or private meeting groups in your community.
Step 2. Identify your triggers
To successfully break the habit of lying, identify situations, emotions, or places that tend to prevent you from telling the truth. Once you know what triggers your lies, you can either avoid those triggers or find ways to deal with them with honesty.
- Do you tend to lie when you feel a certain way? Maybe you're anxious about school or your job, for example, and you lie to ease your emotions temporarily. Find out different ways to deal with your anxiety.
- Do you lie to certain people? Maybe you lied to your dad instead of having to deal with his reaction to your poor grades. You have to learn to deal with these particular triggers in a healthier way.
Step 3. If you can't say something right, don't say anything at all
When you are faced with a trigger and are tempted to lie, stop yourself from wanting to talk. If you can't be honest at the time, it's better to keep quiet or change the subject. You are not required to answer questions you do not wish to be answered, or disclose information that you do not wish to disclose.
- If someone directly asks a question that you don't think can be answered honestly, you can tell them that you'd rather not answer the question. It might make the situation a bit awkward, but it's better than telling lies.
- Avoid situations where you usually feel like you have to say something that isn't true. Large group conversations in which everyone brags about their accomplishments, for example, can trigger a desire to "compete" by lying.
- Watch for physical signs that tell you that you are going to lie. You may feel your eyes looking down and feel your heart beating faster. When you feel this is happening, remove yourself from the situation so you won't tell a lie.
Step 4. Practice actively to tell the truth
If you lie more than you tell the truth, telling the truth really takes practice. The key is to think before you speak, and decide to tell the truth instead of lies. Again, if you are asked a question that you can't answer honestly, don't answer it. The more often you tell the truth, the easier your business will be.
- Try practicing with strangers, or in online forums. Telling the truth to people you are not related to can be more free, because there are no consequences.
- With people you know, the practice of being honest can be done by talking about neutral things that you feel comfortable discussing. Give an honest opinion, or start with basic information about your plans for the weekend or what you ate for breakfast.
- If you have trouble talking about yourself, discuss the news, local politics, philosophies, business ideas, recipes you've tried, your favorite TV shows, bands you want to watch, other people's lives, your dog, or the weather. The point is practice saying the right things
Step 5. Learn how to deal with consequences
At some point, telling the truth will put you in the kind of situation you always avoid telling lies. You have to admit when you didn't follow the rules, or reveal that you weren't working, or admit that you didn't get a role in an audition you were in, or tell someone you weren't really interested in a relationship. Facing unpleasant consequences is still better than lying, because it strengthens your character and builds the trust of others.
- Be prepared for other people's reactions. Maybe hearing the truth causes someone to make a negative comment or a reaction you don't like. Even if this is the case, you can still be proud that you're telling the truth, and knowing that you're dealing with problems with strength and honesty and not taking the easier way out.
- Try to build trust from people who don't trust you at first. If you're often caught lying to certain people, it may take a long time before they believe you're telling the truth. Keep trying, because the only way to regain someone's trust is to be honest. The next time you lie, you'll be back to square one.
Method 3 of 3: Stay Honest
Step 1. Recognize the signs that cause you to slip
As you get into the habit of telling the truth, the patterns in your mind that make you lie will show. It's important to stay alert to the temptations that make you lie so you don't slip back into the habit of lying.
- Learn how to break those patterns by dealing with the anxiety that is at the root of the problem. If you're dealing with a life event that makes you anxious, and you don't feel comfortable telling the truth, learn how to deal with your anxiety in a different way.
- Don't be too hard on yourself if you slip. Being honest is hard, and we all slip from time to time. Remember that there is only one way to fix the problem: don't lie. Keep being honest. Don't let that pattern rule your life.
Step 2. Make honesty the core of your character
Honesty is a character that is highly valued in all cultures and societies. Honesty is a quality honed through hard work to stay strong in difficult situations year after year. Let honesty, and not lies, be your automatic response when faced with life's trials.
- Recognizing honesty in others can be helpful if you try to live an honest life. Who are the people you admire? Ask yourself what the person would do or say if you had a hard time dealing with a problem with the most honest approach.
- Look for honest role models, such as spiritual leaders, respected characters in literature, philosophers, leaders of social movements, and others. Everyone is dishonest once in a while, but a respectable person improves himself by always trying to do the truth with all his challenges.
Step 3. Build a good relationship
The more often you tell the truth and take responsibility for other people's expectations, the more they will trust you. It feels good to be trusted by others. Trust leads to good friendships, and feelings of belonging. Honesty eliminates loneliness and builds community. When you stop lying, you gain the freedom to be yourself and to be accepted by others as you are.
Tips
- If you lie about everything, realize that you can't stop at one step. Like illegal drugs, the habit of lying is very difficult to break. You have to do it slowly. Your parents will tell you when you're about to lie and you should stop and ask yourself, "Is this wrong?" Try asking yourself quickly, "Is this a lie?". All of that takes time, but eventually you'll be able to stop if you really try. And also ask yourself how you feel when someone keeps lying to you.
- Lies often arise as a result of feelings of inadequacy, or the need to protect the truth and others and thereby make yourself less vulnerable. Learn to accept that the truth is everyone's right. Take a deep breath, think about the person you are talking to and what they would say if they found out you were lying, open your mouth, and tell the truth. After doing this you will feel relieved and free from guilt.
- Talk about how you feel. "Sam, I'm so ashamed of what I've done. I hate myself. I told Kim you liked her, even though you told me otherwise. Will you forgive me?"
