Healthy relationships are characterized by respect, trust, honesty, good communication, and the ability of each party to maintain individual identity and personality. A bad or unhealthy relationship can be seen from the opposite of the signs above, such as lack of respect, dishonesty, lying, lack of communication, and pressure to change yourself for the sake of your partner. Healthy relationships are sometimes also characterized by not-so-good characteristics, but they are rare. If your relationship has experienced bad “symptoms” over a significant period of time, you may be in a bad relationship that needs to end. Learn how to recognize the negative signs in your relationship early on.
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Part 1 of 3: Avoiding Unhealthy Relationships
Step 1. Determine what can really satisfy you
What is very important to you in a relationship? What beliefs do you need to maintain in a relationship? What are your interests that your partner should appreciate? What activities really make you happy and would you like to continue even though you're already in a relationship? Try not to focus on the negative (like what makes you unhappy or angry). Focus on the positive. Focus on what really satisfies you, makes you feel good, makes you happy, and doesn't stress you out.
- Think about all these things seriously, then write them down. It may take you quite a while to figure things out.
- Read the list again. The contents of the list are all the things you want and need in a relationship. Items on the list are non-negotiable.
Step 2. Learn from the past
Sometimes it's easy to fall into bad relationships over and over again because you didn't take the time to look for what went wrong in your previous relationship. Before entering into a new relationship, take a moment to pause and think about all of your old relationships. How many of your relationships have ended badly and were unhealthy? Why did it have to end like that? What aspects of your partner don't suit you? What can go well?
- Think about your emotional needs in the relationship and whether your previous partner met those needs. If not, why? What does not exist? What do you want to see in a partner?
- Think about whether you've ever had a “match” partner. Does your partner understand and appreciate your uniqueness? Does your partner support your interests? What do you hope your partner can understand about you?
- Look for patterns in your past relationships. Do all your exes have the same personality traits? Is the relationship moving so fast? You should avoid this pattern in future relationships because it has proven unsuccessful.
Step 3. Start a new relationship slowly
There's no reason to rush into a relationship. When you find someone you think would make a good partner, arrange to meet only occasionally, not too often. Slowly. If you have a history of poor relationships, there's a good chance you bonded too tightly and too quickly.
This time, get to know him slowly. Don't depend on it (for now). Watch your attitude. Try to avoid impulsive decisions
Step 4. Remember that physical attraction is not the same as love
Physical attraction may be strong and sometimes come on suddenly. That attraction trumps common sense and has the potential to lead you to bad decisions. In some cases, physical attraction is the starting point for a long-term, loving relationship. In other cases, physical attraction is mistaken for love.
If you are currently hungry for attention, you may not be able to tell the difference between the attention you need and the attention you want. Feelings of hopelessness and need are unhealthy. Don't make big relationship decisions when you're desperate and needy because you're more likely to make decisions based on the wrong reasons
Step 5. Maintain your independence
Regardless of the stage of your relationship, you must maintain your independence. Independence not only ensures healthy relationships, but also helps create healthy bonds. If you've been in a bad relationship, maybe now you feel compelled to depend on your partner quickly because it's easier. But once you're so tightly bound, it's hard to loosen up again, and it's even harder to see the signs of a bad relationship.
Maintaining independence also means maintaining your current circle of friends and making time for them. Love relationships should not replace friendship. Your relationship with your partner is complementary to friends. When you're thinking about starting a new relationship, take advantage of your circle of friends and ask them for support
Step 6. Seek objective opinion
Sometimes it is difficult to see the elephant in the eyelids. We are so close that we cannot look at it objectively, especially when it involves feelings. When thinking about starting a new relationship, seek the opinion of a close friend or family member. People who are able to be objective and have no interest in your potential partner or relationship. An objective third party may be able to see things you can't in the relationship you're considering.
This objective opinion isn't just about making sure you don't end up in a bad relationship again. An objective opinion also helps ensure you have a good relationship. Maybe you're hesitant to start a relationship with someone who doesn't have the same characteristics as your past partner, but actually, it's a good thing
Step 7. Develop positive expectations
The most unfortunate reason behind bad relationships that people always have is because they have negative thoughts. If you think negatively, chances are that something negative will happen. And when it actually happens, your predictions come true. In other words, you have prepared for failure (perhaps without even realizing it).
- Before getting into a relationship, make a list of positive (and realistic) expectations. Develop expectations based on an analysis of yourself (for example, what satisfies you) and an analysis of past relationships (what went wrong in the past).
- You're not a victim, and you shouldn't want to be a victim either. Being a victim might get you more attention, but the wrong kind of attention. Don't let people feel sorry for you. Make them happy for you.
- Just because you've been unlucky in the past doesn't mean you've been cursed. You're not meant to always have bad relationships. You can change the direction of life, but that means you have to take big steps with confidence or take risks.
Step 8. Know the early signs of a bad relationship
Many types of relationships are dysfunctional, but the worst are codependent relationships. A codependent relationship is one in which one party allows or supports failure, irresponsibility, immaturity, addiction, procrastination, or poor health. The party that is said to be "supporting" basically bears all the responsibilities. And by not letting the “supported” party suffer the consequences, he never learns from his mistakes.
- Unfortunately, this type of relationship tortures the "supportive" partner and is emotionally and physically draining (not to mention financial).
- In the end, the "supporting" party fosters a strong hatred for the "supported" party for being irresponsible. Of course, ironically the fault is not on one side only.
- The “supported” party is no better off either. He became so dependent on supporters that it was impossible to be independent.
- In general, the relationship should be balanced. If you start to notice your potential partner always seems “willing to help” or always needs to be “helped” that's not a good sign.
Part 2 of 3: Recognizing an Unhealthy Relationship
Step 1. Treat each one with respect
Respect should be a pillar of the relationship. that is, neither party in the relationship should have the desire to control or manipulate the other party. Neither party in a healthy relationship should feel the desire to make the other party uncomfortable, guilty, or ridiculed.
And in a love relationship, sex should never be used as a weapon or a tool, and should only happen when both parties want it
Step 2. Trust each other
Trust takes many forms. Each party in the relationship must always feel trusted by the other party. This includes believing that there will be no infidelity, believing that no one is disrespectful, and believing that each one can have secrets without feeling guilty.
Step 3. Have a safe and comfortable feeling with each other
Both parties in the relationship should feel safe and secure when they are together. No one should be afraid or nervous when their partner is present, especially from all forms of violence.
It also means no one is afraid that their partner will suddenly explode with anger and then hit or throw things
Step 4. Resolve conflicts fairly
Conflict will occur in all relationships. However, a healthy relationship should be beyond conflict. Conflicts that occur in healthy relationships must be resolved respectfully and without causing damage. Conflicts in an unhealthy relationship may seem to have been resolved, but on closer inspection, you may find that the resolution was unfair.
Compromise is necessary, but it should not always benefit one party
Step 5. Support each other
Each party in the relationship must be able to support the other in whatever way he or she wants to do (or do nothing). It also means that each party must have the ability to express themselves and their opinions without worrying about negative consequences. You may disagree with what your partner says or does, but you don't have to like or support them.
- Never sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of your partner.
- Sometimes, supporting your partner means disagreeing with them. This applies if that “something” could cause him harm or injury. For example, disagreeing with your partner drinking because he or she has to drive home.
Step 6. Respect your partner's friends and interests
A healthy relationship allows both parties to have a healthy friendship. Each party must be able to continue the friendship they had before the relationship was established. And no one should feel that their friendship is being criticized or that their friends are not appreciated.
- Neither party in a healthy relationship should feel the need to distance themselves from family and friends for the sake of a partner.
- If one party feels the other has an unhealthy friendship, he or she should say something. However, the conversation should be conducted with respect and not criticism.
Step 7. Respect each other's privacy
Each party to a healthy relationship must understand that their partner needs to have privacy. Not because there is anything to hide, but because no one's life is fully exposed. Privacy includes not feeling obligated to share every phone call, email, or message you receive with your partner. And neither party is afraid that his partner will be jealous and possessive if he keeps things to himself.
Respecting each other's privacy has to do with the fact that you trust each other
Part 3 of 3: Recovering from Past Relationships
Step 1. Realize that you may be stuck in the past
In many ways, the past was comfortable. You know what to expect. Therefore, many people tend to form relationships that support their past destructive behavior. Perhaps you believe that your partner is good for you because your past destructive but familiar behavior is confirmed. Unfortunately, this is dysfunctional. Most likely, those past behaviors didn't help you right now, and won't help you in the future.
Step 2. Make a plan and stick to it
If talks with your partner don't work out, you have to put the plan into action. A plan is a good thing because it helps you stay motivated. In this case, the plan should include how, when, and where you will cut ties with your partner. The plan should also include what you will do in certain circumstances or situations (e.g., what are your plans if your partner calls, what are your plans if your partner comes to your house, what are your plans if your partner is badmouthing you to friends, etc.).
It helps if you put all your plans in an “if…., then…” format (for example, if this were to happen, then I would do that). Make sure the “then” plan is beneficial to you in the long run, not something that will give you temporary happiness that won't last
Step 3. Know the general reaction at the end of a relationship
When a bad relationship ends, you may feel one or more of the following. That's very normal. And no matter how bad you feel right now, know that you will be happy again. This is not a permanent state.
- Shame or guilt for doing something wrong. Guilt that puts friends or family in pain or suffering.
- The need to pull from family and friends because no one understands what you're going through.
- Not trusting other people, especially about your emotions.
- Feeling hopeless and completely helpless.
- Inability to have sexual intercourse, or even engage in harmful sexual activity.
- Be angry with your ex-spouse, yourself, and others who may be involved or have had an opinion.
- Flashbacks that come on suddenly and are unwanted, and make it harder for you to do similar activities because you keep on remembering them.
Step 4. Overcome shame and guilt
It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. If necessary, repeat this to yourself as often as needed, because it is true. It's not your fault. You are not meant to be hurt or have bad relationships. You don't force your ex to be disrespectful or even rude.
Think of ending the relationship from a different (and positive) perspective, that you're filling your partner's schedule with other activities
Step 5. Continue a healthy relationship
Relationships are relationships you already have, perhaps with friends or family, or new friendships. The key is that the relationship is healthy and based on trust and respect. If you withdraw while recovering, you may need to reconnect with family and friends to show your willingness to have healthy relationships. But if they support you, as you wish, they will understand.
Step 6. Learn to trust again
This may be a difficult step, but it is possible if you put in the effort. At some point in time, you will need to learn to trust others, so why not now? Part of being able to trust others is learning to trust yourself. Trust that you will make good decisions and if you make a mistake it is not the end of the world.
Step 7. Let your anger out
Anger is actually good. Anger can help with recovery, so feel free to punch a pillow. Don't be afraid if you want to cry. If you allow yourself to feel those emotions, that's great. Don't be shy about feeling emotions, they're part of you. This is also a great opportunity to turn anger into something productive. Maybe you're planning on taking up self-defense training or signing up for a gym.
