Breakups are often painful–even dark at times. If you've separated but want to get back together with your ex, there are some important steps you should take and some considerations you should pay attention to. Unfortunately, not everything is easy to live with although it is still possible. Read the article below to find out more.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Taking Time to Reflect
Step 1. Pay attention to your reasons
Separation is a difficult thing. It's only natural that after a breakup, you miss his presence and the security that the relationship brings. What's more, living alone after a breakup often forces you to be alone with painful feelings that you want to avoid. As a result, there is a desire to return everything to the way it was before, which of course feels torturous and disturbing to the mind.
- Before approaching your ex, think consciously and honestly about why your relationship ended. Also think about whether your desire to come back is genuinely sincere or just reactionary.
- If your reason for returning is based on reactionary emotion alone, don't go on. It's better to focus on taking care of yourself and dealing with post-breakup discomfort like an adult.
- If your reason for getting back together was to make a good impression on friends or family, by proving to yourself or someone else that you can get your boyfriend back if you really want to, or to get a chance to hurt him, stop immediately. These excuses should not be used to build relationships with other people, especially with ex-girlfriends. You will only hurt and provide emotional trauma for you and your lover. Therefore, block your will and decide to come to terms with your feelings maturely.
Step 2. Think carefully about what caused the breakup
This step is important for two main reasons: one, because you have to think carefully about why you want to get back together with him, and two, because your relationship ended for a reason, and if you want to get back together, you have to be prepared to deal with those reasons..
- Showing him that you have reflected on your relationship and are ready to learn from past mistakes will show that you are serious and want to change. If you approach your ex-boyfriend with a well-thought-out solution to the problem and a desire to change, he or she may reconsider your relationship. You could say something like, "I've been thinking about the reason for our breakup, I think part of it is because I don't understand when you get angry because I'm late, you really get mad because you don't feel like a priority for me, and I'm going to change that. that matter."
- Admitting your mistakes can help show that you care about your relationship being held accountable and that you're not just trying to get back together for superficial reasons.
Step 3. Keep your distance
The more you chase after him, especially right after the breakup when he needs some distance from you, the more likely you are to get back together.
- Texting, calling, emailing, or anything else you do to re-enter his life after a breakup is not only upsetting, it can lead to despair. Nothing is more likely than persuading him that the breakup was the right decision than being spoiled and immature to him by continuing to approach him.
- Try to wait for it to come to you. Allowing him to come to you first can be beneficial for you because you can come back and give yourself space to open up the conversation again about your relationship. If you try to force him to talk before he's ready, he's likely to withdraw, perhaps permanently.
Step 4. Focus on yourself for a moment
Don't obsess over your relationship or focus your attention on trying to get back together with it. Take time for yourself. Reconnect with your favorite hobby, go for a walk with your friends, and get used to who you were before you had relationships with other people.
- You may find that you actually feel less lost and that your real desire to get back together is emotional rather than rational.
- Don't be afraid to be yourself. One of the worst reasons to get back in a relationship is because you're afraid of feeling alone. It can be disastrous for you and your relationship.
Part 2 of 3: Approaching Your Ex-Girlfriend
Step 1. Do the right thing
Before you take any steps to get close to your ex, make sure that he's not in a relationship with anyone and that you're genuinely interested in winning him over.
- If he is in a relationship with someone else, don't try to ruin the relationship. Wait until he's not with anyone.
- If you really care about him and his happiness, put aside any jealousy, annoyance or bitterness before approaching him again.
Step 2. Network
If you are well-meaning and close enough to his friends, you may be able to ask them for help.
- But move carefully – as this can turn around if his friends decide to go against you instead of supporting you.
- If you can get help from his friends, they can be valuable partners in helping you.
Step 3. Start slowly
When you have kept enough distance from him and are ready to approach him again, do so in a relaxed manner.
- Don't start off emotionally by saying something like, "I want us to get back together" or "We need to talk."
- Explain that you only want to be together as friends to examine each other's lives, not for a miserable reconciliation attempt or venting past grievances.
- Arrange the meeting in a neutral, low-pressure setting. Suggest having lunch or coffee together. Avoid choosing a place that is emotional for both of you, such as the café you both frequent or the restaurant where you went on your first date. That may seem like a smart move, but it will only contaminate your meeting and put it on the defensive from the start.
Step 4. Keep things relaxed
If your first meeting went well and both of you agreed to meet again, arrange things to stay relaxed. Explain that you're interested in reconnecting as friends and that you don't expect to get back together as lovers.
- If after spending some leisurely time together, you feel that there is still a strong connection between the two of you, you can bring up the topic of the relationship and whether the two of you are thinking about the possibility of getting back together. You could say something like, “I've been thinking about our breakup, and I think I understand the problems that caused it. Would you like to talk about it?”
- If he responds negatively to this suggestion, back off. The more you push him when he doesn't accept, the more your plans will fall apart. Give him time and bring up the topic when he seems more receptive. If he still doesn't want to, begin to make peace with yourself that it probably won't happen.
Part 3 of 3: Restarting Your Relationship
Step 1. Take responsibility
If you want to restart your relationship, you must first take responsibility for your past mistakes.
- Sit down with him and agree to have a mature conversation about past grievances.
- Take responsibility for your mistakes, and do them openly. Don't try to downplay or ignore your mistakes, on the other hand, show that you are aware of your mistakes and will avoid them in the future. For example, you might say something like, “I know I'm not a very good listener and it was my fault. I'm too busy worrying about work (or school or anything else) and I'm not giving you the attention you need. I'm sorry and want to fix it."
Step 2. Focus on moving forward
This applies whether you get back together with your ex-boyfriend again or not.
- If you do get back together with him, don't dwell on past mistakes or spend time blaming each other. Instead, focus on talking about the things you both need from your relationship and talk about how to help each other. Focus on your desire to move forward instead of thinking about what you should and shouldn't have done in the past. For example, you might explain, “I find you annoyed when I'm with my friends, and I think that's because I didn't tell you my plans beforehand. Is that true?" Then give suggestions to solve the problem, such as agreeing to give at least 5 hours notice before your activity, and so on.
- If you don't succeed, don't obsess over your failure or the blame on you. Learn from the things that do and don't happen in your relationship and try to move on.
Step 3. Make the rules of the game
If the two of you decide to get back together, make rules of the game to help you move on.
- Be specific about what you both need and want out of this relationship. Ask, “What have you not felt before?” and “What can we do to help you get that out of this relationship?” On the other hand, also say what you need – without coming across as accusing – and find ways you can get it out of this relationship.
- Set reasonable expectations based on your responsibility to meet those needs and wants.
- Talk more. Periodically, ask him about the relationship and your level of satisfaction with each. Raising this issue is very important for continued relationships.
Suggestion
- Know that sometimes leaving your ex in the past is the best option. No matter how painful the breakup was, reconnecting can sometimes lead to worse. Think carefully about whether you really want to get back together with him, and if you fail, realize that you have in fact saved yourself from the grief that may have overtaken you.
- If your ex-boyfriend was abusive – physically, emotionally, or mentally – don't try to get back at him.
