A person is called rude or disrespectful when he does not show concern or respect for the rights and feelings of others. Disrespect often occurs suddenly in an unpleasant or surprising way. Learning how to respond calmly and lovingly to rude behavior is a valuable skill, especially if you will be in constant contact with this person. Disrespect can be difficult to deal with, but fortunately there are a number of techniques you can use to deal with rude people, protect yourself and even repair broken interactions. Being abused can have a huge impact on your health, so exploring different options for dealing with it will lead to a happier and less stressful life.
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Part 1 of 3: Setting Boundaries
Step 1. Decide if you want to respond
Not everyone who is rude to you deserves a response. If he's clearly trying to drag you into a fight by being disgusting, don't allow yourself to get into a pointless fight. Resist the urge to defend yourself in the moment and it will eventually become a stronger way to protect yourself. This may be easier for an acquaintance than a coworker or family member, but you still have the right to ignore someone who is being rude to you.
If someone cuts the line in front of you, this is not polite. You can simply ignore it or be firm. It depends on how bothered you are by the behavior. However, if a person simply doesn't say "excuse me" when he or she burps, that can be considered rude but doesn't warrant a response
Step 2. Speak firmly
Being assertive or assertive is a middle ground between being aggressive and being passive. While an aggressive response can seem oppressive and a passive response can invite bullying, an assertive response helps you stay firm while allowing the other person to have his or her own space.
- One way that you might try to practice being assertive is to practice speaking clearly and purposefully. Keep your voice firm and relaxed, but sincere.
- If someone cuts in line and you choose to say something, try: "Excuse me, sir/madam. You may not have seen me, but I was in line before you."
Step 3. Communicate your feelings
Apart from being an addition to assertive communication techniques, this step can be useful for clearly communicating your feelings if the other person doesn't know that they have done something wrong. The blame can come from a variety of places, such as suffering from a mental illness such as social anxiety disorder or being on the autism spectrum. You never know what the other person is aware of or not about, so it's a good idea to explain how you feel.
Try saying, "It hurt me when you called me annoying because those words made me feel unappreciated as a human being."
Step 4. Be clear about acceptance
In addition to explaining how you feel, it's a useful step to clearly state what is acceptable and what isn't. The person may not know your standards of socially acceptable behavior. He probably grew up in a family that used to make fun of each other. If you don't want to face similar disrespectful behavior, tell the person.
Try saying, "It hurts me when you call me annoying because I feel unappreciated as a human being. Please be careful about making fun of me."
Step 5. Fortify yourself
It is important that you keep your distance from abusive and harmful behavior. Unfortunately, some of the most disrespectful people do target the most sensitive people. Remember that it's not your fault if someone else is being rude, even if they say otherwise. Everyone is responsible for their own way of behaving and you are not responsible for the disrespectful behavior of others. However, there are several methods to protect yourself from the effects of rudeness, such as:
- Discuss it with a concerned friend or family member. If someone says something that hurt you, recount it to loved ones so you can deal with the attack together.
- Listen to your own inner voice. Don't let yourself be defeated by what other people say to or about you. Take it easy for a moment and ask yourself instead.
Part 2 of 3: Understanding Disrespect
Step 1. Learn how to recognize disrespectful behavior
As simple as it sounds, it can sometimes be difficult to tell if someone is being rude, playfully flirting, or something else. Learning how to recognize rudeness will help you deal with it in a fast way that minimizes the emotional damage it causes. Some things that indicate disrespect include:
- Yelling and other violent movements, such as pushing away something you're holding onto.
- Not having or not showing concern or respect for your rights and feelings.
- Connecting with gender or other bodily functions in such a way as to offend others.
- Some behaviors can go beyond what is considered disrespectful. In such cases, consider whether you were verbally assaulted. Do you feel as though you are constantly in a vulnerable state? Are you the object of a joke that makes you feel sad? Has your confidence dropped drastically? If so, consider reporting this person to HR if he or she is a co-worker or leaving this person if he or she is your partner.
Step 2. Learn about what causes unpleasant behavior
There are a number of reasons why someone might be rude to you, beyond simply retaliating for something you've done. Understanding why people engage in impolite behavior will help you gain a broader perspective and respond with more vigilance and less coercion.
- A person can do "degrading comparisons" to feel better about themselves. This is a social placement tactic where he feels he can bully you with disrespect and insults and that will make him feel stronger than you. Obviously this stems from feelings of restlessness rather than self-confidence.
- Research shows that sometimes people will project things they don't want to admit about themselves onto other people. For example, if deep down he feels physically unattractive, he may make fun of other people that they are unattractive. This step shifts the problem to someone else for the time being.
- A person may also respond impolitely when they feel threatened. You don't always have to actually threaten them; they may feel threatened just by being around you, if you are a self-confident person or some other desirable quality.
Step 3. Find the motivation that underlies the attitude
Ask yourself what might have prompted this person to approach you disrespectfully. Maybe this guy never learned about manners? Or maybe he feels intimidated or scared or upset about something completely unrelated to you? Think about your recent interactions and see if you can come up with a possible reason that will help you respond accordingly.
- If that person is a co-worker, did you forget to do something which was then transferred to him or her?
- If the person is a family member, do you side with the other person in an argument?
- The person may even be trying to help indirectly, or want to be in a relationship but don't know how.
- Maybe he's accidentally pissed you off and doesn't know he's been rude.
Step 4. Teach yourself about the effects of being rude
If you need a good reason to stay away from rude people or to defuse a rude attitude, pay attention to the impact that rudeness has on you. Accepting disrespectful treatment from others destroys everything from creativity and brain power to how much you want to be of service to others. Impoliteness can seem so trivial that it can be easily dealt with and recovered from, but research shows another story.
Part 3 of 3: Responding Lovingly
Step 1. Apologize if necessary
Did the impoliteness stem from an incident? Did you contribute to the cause or even trigger it with something you did? If so, a written apology can make a difference or at least dampen someone's anger. If he doesn't accept your apology, you can at least have some peace of mind knowing that you've admitted your fault and are working to make things right. If you're not sure what you've done, you can still apologize in general:
Example: "I'm sorry if I did something to offend you. I didn't mean it that way."
Step 2. Use non-judgmental, non-violent language
It's easy to get caught up in the whirlpool of angry words and insults, but if you want to respond more effectively and lovingly, take a deep breath and change the way you word your and your complaints.
- Bad example: "You really are a bitch!"
- Good example: "I'm hurt by what you said."
Step 3. Ask what the person needs
You can't always provide something for a rude person, but of course you can ask him if there's anything you can do to help. This kind attitude will be very helpful.
Example: "Sorry if you're upset. What should I or we do together to make you feel better?"
Step 4. Make your own request
One way to stop a situation where someone is being rude to you is to make them understand your rationale and what you need in a firm but gentle manner. There are several steps in this process:
- Get to know your feelings. Try to figure out what's going on inside of you and what would make it better.
- Explain to the person why you feel this way. Arrange the words according to what you need, rather than what mistakes he made. Example: "Sorry, but today was tough for me. I'm very sensitive. Can we continue this discussion another time?"
- Ask for things to be done differently. Don't feel bad about asking for specific behaviors or actions to be performed, after explaining your background.
Step 5. Cultivate an attitude of tolerance
Tolerance means "to share the suffering that exists". If you can show the person that you are interested in their hurt feelings, that you want to help, you can develop effective compassion and empathy which is something that will stop the dispute. We all suffer and feel pain, so it shouldn't be that hard to put yourself in the other person's shoes and understand why he might vent it by being rude. This kind and understanding response is well worth the effort, as tolerance has many benefits such as increased peace of mind, increased creativity and healthy communication.
