Dealing with people who are not polite and often behave badly is not easy; often, you just don't know how to respond. Should you ignore it? Should you protect yourself by confronting him head-on? If you decide to have a direct confrontation, will the situation worsen afterwards? Read on for more powerful tips that will answer all your worries!
Step
Part 1 of 3: Assessing the Situation
Step 1. Identify negative behaviors that are unintentional and impersonal
Rude and disrespectful behavior is always annoying and sometimes even difficult to tolerate. However, not all actions have the same intention. In other words, you need different strategies to address different intentions.
- For example, a coworker is constantly chewing gum aloud next to you. As a result, you also have difficulty concentrating in the office.
- You may think that this behavior is disrespectful and inappropriate in a public place. However, it is most likely that his behavior is a "bad habit" that he continues to do without realizing it. As a result, these bad habits have a negative impact on those around him (in this case, you!) without him knowing it. Most likely, his behavior was also not intended to hurt or reproach you. Incidentally, you are the one who is nearby and automatically becomes the "victim" of his behavior.
- Consider these possibilities to determine the wisest strategy and response.
Step 2. Identify unintentional but personal negative behavior
In that situation, the person didn't mean to be rude, but his actions were specifically directed at you.
- For example, a friend invites you to meet every week for a chat. In fact, all of your time is spent listening to the problems of his life. In fact, he won't even take the time to ask how you're doing.
- In fact, the behavior is selfish, disrespectful, and directed at you; in other words, he's not willing to take your needs and wants into consideration and use your presence to fulfill his interests. However, chances are that he didn't do it on purpose to hurt you. Most likely, he didn't even notice that the conversation was going one way!
Step 3. Identify negative behaviors that are intentional but not personal
This kind of behavior is generally a form of "violation of the norms" that apply. In that situation, the person is fully aware of his or her actions and is more likely to know that his or her behavior is against the norm (or is considered disrespectful by others). Most likely, he just doesn't care about the prevailing norms or doesn't really think about the effect it has on other people.
- If someone's negative behavior is intentional but not personal, it means they are doing it consciously but not with the intention of hurting you.
- For example, a person who walks through the line at a supermarket checkout knows that his behavior violates the prevailing decency; the action is done intentionally but not intended to attack you personally. In other words, he's not rushing through the line not because he hates or doesn't like how you look. Most likely, he did it because he felt his interests were more urgent than yours.
- Another example, someone who smokes in a public place must be aware that his actions disturb others and violate the prevailing norms of decency. In fact, he still chooses not to respect the norm or assure himself that his behavior doesn't bother anyone.
- Whatever the reason behind his actions, he's not doing it just to piss you off.
Step 4. Identify intentional and personal negative behavior
In that situation, the person is fully aware of what he or she is doing, and the behavior is directed at you. Chances are, he's even willing to admit that his actions were rude and disrespectful.
- Is your mother always criticizing your food choices? The behavior is personal because it is directed specifically at you, and it is done on purpose because your mother consciously said it.
- However, not necessarily the purpose of his behavior is to hurt you. Hopefully, your mother's comments weren't made to make you feel guilty. However, he explicitly intended to criticize (even though the criticism was packaged in the form of "a mother's concern").
Part 2 of 3: Controlling Reaction
Step 1. Don't jump to negative conclusions
Even if you understand some of the forms of disrespectful behavior in a person, you will likely still have a hard time knowing whether the behavior is personal or not. Unfortunately, these “incompetences” will generally encourage you to judge the person and make negative assumptions. Trust me, doing so will only increase your frustration and anger!
- Even if you know that the person who barged in didn't mean to hurt you personally, you probably won't be able to resist the response, “Damn it! That person must be selfish and don't want to think about other people.” Even though there is a possibility he of course someone who is selfish and a jerk, maybe he actually did it unconsciously because he didn't see you.
- You must feel annoyed when you are overtaken in the middle of the road. However, before judging the person who overtook you, consider the possibility that he or she has just received bad news from a loved one and is in a hurry to get to the hospital.
- You may be annoyed with a coworker's chewing gum habit. However, before accusing him of being selfish, consider the possibility that he did so to overcome his smoking addiction or anxiety disorder.
Step 2. Do your best to empathize
Don't always make the worst assumptions about other people (even if they're very rude), and try to empathize with them. To understand his attitude and actions, do your best to put yourself in his shoes.
- If a restaurant employee behaves badly or rudely while serving you, try observing your surroundings: was the restaurant very busy and understaffed at that time? Even if that's not the case, be aware that the job is stressful and prone to stress. Remember, he is required to serve many people at the same time for a fee that is not too big. Isn't it natural that his frustration is inadvertently reflected in his behavior towards you?
- Remember, empathy is not the same as justifying someone's bad behavior. Basically, empathy is needed to ease your frustration and help you move on with your life better.
- Even if you know (and believe) that his actions are personal (for example, your mother constantly criticizing your food choices), the problem will be easier to resolve if you try to empathize. Your mother's criticism is painful. However, if you know the reason behind his actions, chances are that your annoyance will subside a little.
- If your mother has problems with her weight, body shape, or self-confidence, you might conclude that her negative behavior towards you is a reflection of her insecurities.
Step 3. If possible, ignore the behavior
At this stage, you may realize that the behavior was unintentional and/or impersonal. If that's the case, you may feel that you don't need to confront the person because their behavior wasn't meant to hurt you. On the other hand, you can also choose to ignore behavior that is done intentionally and intended to hurt you, you know!
- You may always feel the need to protect yourself by confronting bad, abusive, or offensive behavior because that resistance is a reflection of your high level of trust and self-worth as a human being. In fact, you might even think that failing to confront an unpleasant behavior will slowly build up your own frustration.
- In fact, there are several logical reasons to suggest that ignoring unpleasant behavior is necessary in order to maintain your sanity and emotional health. Recent research has shown that respondents who ignore unpleasant behavior (instead of confronting it) are better able to complete their cognitive responsibilities. The research shows that staying away from unpleasant people is actually the most powerful strategy for protecting yourself and keeping your sanity.
Step 4. Determine the actions you cannot tolerate
Unfortunately, you can't ignore all bad or disrespectful behavior; For example, you may have a hard time ignoring your coworker's gossiping habits that are making it difficult for you to focus or get your job done well. If this is the case, try to devise appropriate strategies to stop the behavior.
- Think carefully about whether there is anything you can do to avoid it. For example, if a coworker is constantly whistling loudly near you, might you change work locations or wear earplugs when you're around him?
- Of course you shouldn't be the only one who changes. However, in fact, changing yourself is much easier than changing others. The most important part of dealing with annoying people is making adjustments from your side; no one guarantees you can change other people's behavior, right?
- If you're willing to learn not to be distracted or withdraw from an upsetting situation, chances are that the problem will be solved more easily.
- Basically, try to keep your balance as much as you can. Remember, you don't have to be the only person making adjustments, especially if that person is a friend, family, coworker, or other person you can't (or don't want to) get rid of from your life.
Part 3 of 3: Confrontation
Step 1. Do not engage in aggressive confrontation
If you decide to have a direct confrontation, make sure you do so with caution. Expressing anger will only make the person defensive. As a result, the situation will become even more heated.
- Avoid sentences that seem accusatory. Instead of responding to your mother by saying, "This mom really likes judging people, huh," try packing your complaint using "I" words. For example, you could say, “Mom, I feel judged and insecure every time you comment on the portion I eat.”
- Do not also throw insults with inappropriate words. Even if you think the person is an asshole (or worse), don't call him “a jerk” or use other negative words; trust me, you'll look just as badass if you do.
Step 2. Express your complaint in a straightforward but polite manner
When you decide to confront someone's unpleasant behavior, don't make small talk or use passive-aggressive techniques. State the problem clearly and be specific about your needs.
- If you just sigh or chuckle out loud every time you pass a coworker who likes to whistle without knowing the time, he or she will likely just feel that you're frustrated with your work.
- The problem will be resolved more quickly if you explain your complaint calmly and politely. For example, you might say, "I'm not sure you're aware of your whistling habit, but I really need to focus on my work. Can you just whistle it in the kitchen or the waiting room?”
- If some of your co-workers are gossiping in front of your office, slamming the door might make them move, but it won't improve the long-term situation.
- Instead, reprimand them and say, “Hey, sorry to interrupt, but I'm on the phone with a client. Please continue your gossiping somewhere else, ok? Thank you!".
Step 3. If possible, confront the person directly
Whoever the person was, confronting him head-on was the wisest decision. If you report his behavior to someone else (like his boss, for example), he's more likely to really hate you for potentially receiving a more severe punishment than he deserves; without even realizing it, you are opening the door to accepting behavior that is worse than the one you previously accepted.
- If you're constantly upset about the behavior of a restaurant employee, try bringing your complaint directly to him before threatening to see his manager. For example, if he drops your plate without apologizing, try saying, “I'm sorry, but you seem upset. Did any of my words or actions hurt you?”
- Chances are, he's just being careless or is venting his frustrations on other visitors at you without even realizing it. If you go straight to the manager, chances are he will receive a very severe punishment or even be fired.
- If you do the same thing to deal with the unpleasant behavior of a coworker in the office, chances are that your image in his eyes will only get worse. Apart from appearing incapable of dealing with your own problems, you will also be labeled a complainer. Plus, if he finds out that you're the one complaining about him, it's more likely that your relationship will deteriorate after that.
- Of course, not all bad behavior can be resolved directly with the party concerned; in other words, there are times when you also need the help of someone superior. When having a confrontation, make sure you record the discussion just in case the situation escalates.
- If he responds to your complaint in an aggressive manner or if his behavior remains negative afterward, feel free to report it to a superior person such as a manager, boss, etc.
Step 4. Beat him with kindness
Basic moral ethics require you to treat others the way you would want to be treated. By adhering to these ethics, you will automatically be motivated to treat others with kindness and sincerity; in addition to bringing positive social impact, doing so will actually make it easier for you to get what you want. By being kind to other people, they are more likely to treat you positively. Therefore, do not respond to disrespectful behavior with aggressiveness or hatred. Instead, smile and/or react positively. Often, it is the unexpected reaction that will startle them and stop them from doing so.
- If your co-worker is always reluctant to say hello when the two of you pass in the elevator, take the initiative to greet him first with a smile.
- Maybe he's just not a very friendly person, but it's also possible that he actually has social anxiety or is always in a bad mood in the morning. If you are willing to greet him warmly first. he may be motivated to be more relaxed and warm to you. If those expectations don't come true, it's a sign that he's actually emphasizing his negativity in front of the positivity you show.
