Everyone feels guilty at some point in their life. Guilt means feeling responsible for something bad or wrong. Feelings of guilt can occur for a variety of reasons, such as because you know you've done something wrong, because you've hurt someone else, or because you didn't do anything when you had to act. Guilt can also arise when you succeed while others fail, as survivors often experience. Feelings of guilt are not always bad because they can cause a sense of deterrence, behavior change, and foster empathy. However, feelings of guilt can become a problem if it is not helpful and is unable to change behavior, but instead triggers the emergence of prolonged guilt and shame.
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Part 1 of 3: Understanding Your Guilt
Step 1. Know what beneficial guilt means
Guilt can be useful as long as it makes us grow, mature, and more importantly, helps us learn to feel what it's like to be attacked, hurt someone else, or hurt ourselves. Thus, we will be moved to direct our moral life and/or behavior according to the applicable rules. For example:
- After you say words that hurt your best friend's feelings and make you feel guilty for letting them down, you realize that from now on you shouldn't talk like that again so you don't lose your friend. In other words, you can learn from your own mistakes. This is useful guilt because it can improve your behavior.
- The guilt that comes when you finish a bag full of cassava chips is your brain's way of reminding you that this behavior (which you probably already understand) is actually not good and could have a negative effect on your own happiness. This means that rational guilt can provide motivation for you to realize and improve your behavior.
Step 2. Know what useless guilt means
Guilt can also be useless if you feel guilty, even though you don't really need to reflect or change your behavior. This irrational guilt will appear constantly, even though there is no cause and this makes you feel guilty all the time.
- For example, many women who have just given birth to their first child and have had to go back to work are concerned about leaving their child with a caregiver or in a daycare center because they think this will cause mental problems or hinder their child's physical development. But in reality, many children grow up normally, even if one or both parents work. This situation need not cause guilt, but many people do. In other words, this feeling of guilt is useless and irrational.
- Feelings of guilt that are not useful can have a negative impact on cognitive abilities, for example making a person overly self-critical, feel inferior, and lack self-respect.
Step 3. Recognize that there are times when we feel guilty about events that we have no control over
For example, being in a car accident or arriving late to say goodbye to a loved one before he or she dies. Sometimes, people who have experienced a traumatic event feel that they know everything about it and how to deal with it. In other words, these people think they can or should do something, but in reality they can't. This deep feeling of guilt makes them feel helpless and out of control.
For example, a person who gets into a car accident feels guilty because his friend died in this accident. Guilt for survival usually arises when we explain and try to accept a traumatic experience. To deal with severe guilt, it's a good idea to seek the help of a professional therapist who can help you find the best solution
Step 4. Reflect on your emotions and experiences
Do some self-exploration to get to know your feelings to make sure that the emotion you're experiencing is guilt and nothing else. Studies using MRI to scan the brain show that guilt is a different emotion from shame or sadness. At the same time, the study shows that shame and sadness are common and correlated with guilt. So try to take time to reflect on your feelings to determine exactly what you need to work on.
- Get to know the thoughts, feelings, environment, and sensations your body is feeling. You can do this cognitively by practicing calming your mind. During practice, you should focus on how you are feeling in the moment without judging or giving feedback.
- Also, you can write your feelings in a journal. Writing down what you're going through can help you clarify your emotions in words.
- For example: “Today I feel burdened by guilt and feel sad. I kept thinking about it. I know I'm stressed right now because my head hurts so bad, my shoulders are tense, and my stomach hurts from worrying."
Step 5. Clarify exactly what makes you feel guilty
Think about why you feel guilty. Again, begin the process of recognizing guilt by writing down everything you feel. For example:
- “I let Bleki play outside and got hit by a car. Losing Bleki makes me feel guilty because my family loves Bleki so much."
- "I didn't study so my test score was F. I feel guilty for making my parents sad because they have spent a lot of money so I can go to school."
- "I just broke up with Bobby. I feel guilty for hurting her."
- “My friend's mother is dead, my mother is healthy. I feel guilty because my friend has lost his mother, while I am always accompanied by my mother.”
Step 6. Accept the guilt
Learn to accept the fact that you cannot change the past or what has happened. Acceptance also means being aware of difficulties and acknowledging that you are able to endure the painful feelings you are experiencing. This is the first stage you have to go through in order to overcome your guilt and move on with life. Start saying affirmative sentences that emphasize acceptance and tolerance for yourself, for example:
- “Coping with guilt is not easy, but now I know that I can handle it.”
- “Even though it was difficult, I was able to accept what had happened and not try to fight or avoid these feelings. I will try to accept the situation as it is.”
Part 2 of 3: Repairing Relationships
Step 1. Improve your relationship with the person you've hurt
If you feel guilty because you have done something that negatively affected another person, start working on improving your relationship with them. While a sincere apology won't necessarily restore guilt, you can start this process by giving yourself a chance to express how sorry you are.
- Invite this person to meet so you can talk and apologize sincerely. The sooner you make up, the better.
- Remember that he doesn't have to accept your apology. You can't control other people's reactions or actions to what you say. However, for yourself, realize that this is only the first step to recovering the guilt within you. Even if he doesn't want to accept your apology, you can still be proud of being able to accept and admit mistakes, take responsibility, show remorse, and empathize.
Step 2. Reflect on the possibility of changing your behavior
If you're feeling useful guilt, make a commitment to change your behavior so that this problem doesn't happen again and makes you feel guilty again. For example, you can't bring Bleki back to life, but you can keep pets from playing outside unless they're on a leash. Or, if you don't pass the exam, study harder so you don't waste your parents' money.
You may not need to change your behavior, but you can improve your perspective. For example, you can't bring back your friend's mother who died of cancer, but you can support a friend who is sad and make sure she knows how much she means in your life
Step 3. Forgive yourself
People who feel guilty tend to feel ashamed for what they did or for not doing certain things. Even if the two of you make up again, the guilt may still be there and keep you thinking about it. Therefore, you also need to be kind to yourself. You must learn to forgive yourself in order to restore self-esteem damaged by guilt or shame to take another step.
Write a letter to yourself. One way to start the process of forgiving yourself is to write a letter to yourself when you were younger or in the past. Write a letter in kind and loving words to remind yourself that the past often provides valuable learning opportunities and makes you more empathetic. Remind yourself that the way you behaved or what you did was what you knew at the time. End your letter with closing words or an acknowledgment that ends the matter symbolically. Once you are able to accept, deal with, and recover from guilt, try to get over it
Part 3 of 3: Reshaping Your Understanding
Step 1. Turn guilt into gratitude
Guilt can be useful as a way of changing behavior or fostering empathy. Turn guilt-inducing statements into expressions of gratitude to make your experience more valuable and change how you view the past. It also helps to recover from guilt and turn useless guilt into something that can improve your life in a concrete way.
- Write down statements/thoughts that make you feel guilty and turn them into expressions of gratitude. Guilt statements usually start with “I should have…”, “Actually I could…”, “I can't believe I…”, and “Why wouldn't I…”. Change the statement into a sentence that emphasizes gratitude.
- Example: Change the statement "I shouldn't have criticized my husband so much when we were together" to "I'm grateful that I can reduce the habit of criticizing as a preparation for a relationship in the future."
- Example: Change the statement “Why can't I stop drinking? This habit ruined my family life” to “I am grateful to be able to stop drinking with the support of my family so that our relationship can recover.”
Step 2. Practice daily affirmations
Affirmations are positive sentences that spark courage and enthusiasm. By saying affirmations, you can restore self-esteem and be more able to love yourself that is usually eroded by shame and guilt. Cultivate self-love every day by saying, writing, or thinking affirmations. For example:
- “I am a good person and deserve the best, regardless of what I have done in the past.”
- "I'm not perfect. I have made mistakes, but I was able to learn from my past experiences.”
- "I am also an ordinary person just like everyone else."
Step 3. Determine other meanings of guilt
The following statements can provide other meanings of guilt-inducing actions and experiences so that you can change your mindset to begin the process of eliminating guilt. Keep the following statement in mind when you come back to think about unhelpful things about an action you've taken.
- “Guilt can be the best way to learn how to live life in the days ahead.” Find out what you can learn and know that learning makes you wiser. For example, if you regret that you didn't respect your partner for a long time after realizing that putting your partner down can have a bad effect on your marriage, this knowledge could shape you into a wiser partner in the future as a result of a difficult learning process.
- “Feeling guilty about past actions can foster empathy because you understand what the consequences of your actions have been. This allows you to understand how your actions affect others.” Having the ability to empathize makes you better able to understand other people's feelings. For example, the guilt that comes after you get angry with a friend who has had too much to drink can help you understand how your friend feels because of your actions.
- “You can't change what happened, but you can decide how the past affects your present and future life.” For example, you can't change failure, but you can make the decision to try even better in order to succeed in the future.
Step 4. Don't be trapped by perfection
The pursuit of perfection in certain aspects of life is an unrealistic desire. Mistakes are commonplace in everyday life and can be a learning opportunity. Do positive activities and affirm yourself by doing good things. Take this opportunity to see how guilt-inducing mistakes can shape you into a more responsible person.
