Guilt is a natural human emotion that everyone experiences at some point in their life. However, for many people, deep or chronic feelings of guilt or shame can be stressful. Proportionate guilt or reasonable guilt is guilt that results from actions, decisions, or other wrong actions that you must be responsible for and have a negative impact on others. This guilt is healthy because it can encourage you to correct wrongdoings, creating social cohesion and shared responsibility. Disproportionate guilt is guilt for things you can't really take responsibility for, such as the actions and well-being of other people, and things you have no control over, such as the outcome of most situations. This type of guilt causes us to dissolve into failures that are actually our own assumptions so that we feel ashamed and resentful. There are steps you can take to deal with these feelings, whether it's guilt that has arisen from past wrongdoing or that has arisen unintentionally.
Step
Method 1 of 2: Confronting the Proportionate Guild
Step 1. Know the type of guilt you are feeling and its purpose
Guilt is a useful emotion when it helps us to grow and learn from our behavior that offends or hurts ourselves or others. When guilt arises for hurting another person or for having a preventable negative impact, we actually get a signal to change that behavior (or we don't have to face the consequences either). Proportionate guilt can be a guide to redirect our behavior and adjust our understanding of what is acceptable and what is not.
For example, if you feel guilty about spreading rumors about a coworker competing for a promotion with you, you may feel proportionate guilt. If you get the promotion because you have better qualifications but you still feel guilty, it means you feel disproportionate guilt
Step 2. Forgive yourself
Forgiveness is not an easy thing. Important steps to take in the process of forgiving yourself are:
- Accept the pain that arises without exaggerating or minimizing what happened.
- Acknowledge to what extent you are responsible for this error. Maybe you can do things differently, but you really can't be responsible for everything. Overestimating your responsibilities can make you feel guilty longer than you should.
- Understand your state of mind when the negative action occurred.
- Dialogue with others who feel the negative impact of your actions. A sincere apology matters a lot. It is very important that you and the other party know that you are aware of the harm and know what action to take (if any) to address it and also apologize.
Step 3. Take actions that can change the situation or change as quickly as possible
If we continue to feel guilty instead of making the necessary improvements, we are punishing ourselves. Unfortunately, this behavior will only make you feel too embarrassed to take action that can really make a difference. Making restorative changes means swallowing your pride and trusting that others will be grateful for your efforts to overcome this source of guilt.
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If your way of making things right is by apologizing, try to justify what you did or point out the part of the situation that you are not responsible for. When apologizing, try to acknowledge the other person's pain without going overboard or trying to get into the details of the situation.
It may be easier to apologize for words that were said unintentionally and hurt the other person. But if this hurtful behavior has been going on for a long time, such as you ignoring your parents' feelings for years, you need more honesty and humility
Step 4. Start journaling
Try journaling about the details, feelings, and memories of the situation to help you learn about yourself and the actions you took. Trying to improve your behavior in the future is a great way to deal with guilt. Writing in this journal can answer questions such as:
- How do you feel about yourself and everyone involved in the situation?
- What were your needs at the time and were they met? If not, why?
- Is there a motive behind this action? What or who is the catalyst for this behavior?
- What is the standard of judgment in this situation? What are your values, your parents, your friends, your spouse, or the values of an institution like law? Is this standard of assessment really appropriate? If the answer is yes, how do you know?
Step 5. Accept that you made a mistake, but don't dwell on it
We know that it is impossible to change the past. So, after spending time studying your actions and taking action to correct them as much as possible, it's important that you don't dwell on these feelings for too long. Try to remind yourself that the sooner you get rid of guilt, the sooner you can focus on other things that really need to be paid attention to right now.
Another advantage of keeping a journal for dealing with guilt is that you can monitor your feelings to show yourself how quickly guilt can fade when we deal with it right away. It's also important to note how actions taken to improve the situation can overcome this guilt. This can help you to feel proud of your progress and how you use this guilt in a positive way
Method 2 of 2: Confronting the Disproportionate Guild
Step 1. Know the type of guilt you are feeling and its purpose
Unlike proportionate guilt which signals us to recognize our wrongdoing, disproportionate guilt usually stems from one of the following:
- Doing something better than others (guilt of a survivor).
- Feel like you're not trying hard enough to help someone.
- Doing something that only you "feel" you have done
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Something you don't do but want to do.
Let's take the example of feeling guilty for getting a promotion. If you spread a malicious rumor about a coworker so you can get it, it's a "proportionate guilt." However, if you get this promotion because you deserve it but still feel guilty, you are facing disproportionate guilt. This type of guilt is totally irrational
Step 2. Compare what you can control with what you can't
Write in a journal everything that is really under your control. Also write down a few things that you have some control over. Blaming yourself for mistakes or incidents that are not really under your control means that you are angry with yourself for things that are beyond your control.
- You should also realize that you are not really to blame because you regret not doing certain things. At that time, there was no way you could have known the things you know today. You most likely made the best decision at that time.
- Remind yourself that you are not to blame for surviving a tragedy that someone else, even though that person is close to you, didn't make it out of it.
- Realize that you are not responsible for other people. Even though you really love the people in your life, they have a responsibility to themselves and ensure their own well-being (as well as you and yourself).
Step 3. Examine your standards of achievement and your standards for helping others
Try writing it down and reflecting in a journal whether the standards of behavior you set for yourself are too high or not. Often these standards we acquired from outside ourselves when we were children and nowadays these standards are so difficult and impossible to live up to that they cause us stress.
Also try to accept your right to protect and defend your own interests. We often feel guilty for not wanting to bend the values we believe in for others or for sacrificing something we value most (like our free time or personal space), which is important for dealing with guilt. Remind yourself to accept the fact that sometimes other people's wishes can clash with yours, and this is natural. There is nothing wrong with wanting to fulfill one's own needs
Step 4. Try to focus on quality, not quantity when helping others
Guilt often stems from thinking that we are not sensitive enough to other people. And, since you can only give yourself, remember that the quality of the help you provide will diminish if you try hard to help "all the time" or help "everyone you care about" all the time, no matter what.
To avoid this type of guilt, try to be aware of situations where you really should be trying to help. By knowing the moments when you need to help intelligently, you become smarter too in knowing how much responsibility you have for others and this immediately reduces the guilt you experience. It can also help with the quality of the help you are providing and you will become more aware of the good you are doing instead of what else you can do
Step 5. Seek acceptance and compassion through mindfulness
Mindfulness and meditation can help you observe mental processes within yourself, including persistent guilt tendencies such as self-blame and excessive self-criticism. As you learn to observe this process, you can have greater compassion for yourself, realizing that these thoughts don't have to be faced or taken too seriously.
Another thing that can help is to maintain good relationships with people you care about who accept you for who you are and give you unconditional love. Watching how they treat you can make it easier for you to have this attitude towards yourself. However, you are responsible for self-acceptance and self-love, and this can be done with or without outside help
Tips
- Don't be a perfectionist when it comes to guilt! As long as you are not controlled by these feelings, some guilt feelings can help you to behave with honesty, integrity, and compassion for others.
- Try to think positive always. Maybe you do a lot of things that hurt others and yourself, but the only solution is to forgive yourself and move on with life. If you've apologized to them and they accept it, you have to make room for them. If you keep apologizing and they don't accept it, you could feel even worse. Try to learn from your mistakes. The next time you do something that could be painful, try to think before you do it.
- You must always forgive yourself in order to feel better.
