One of the most painful and destructive things that can happen to a marriage is heartbreak caused by infidelity. Once the affair is over – it really is – you'll want to try to fix it.
Step
After an affair, you should ask yourself first if you are sure to continue the relationship. If you really don't want to be together anymore, it's better to end it with respect and kindness than to prolong the suffering. If both of you still want to stick around, the marriage can be repaired with time and patience on both sides.
Step 1. Learn the reasons for the affair
You must assess your motivations, reasons and thoughts internally. This does not happen suddenly. What makes you deviate? Are you lonely in your marriage? What is laziness in your marriage-does one or both of you become complacent and bored? Are you flattered by the attention your cheating partner is giving you? Why would you want to risk everything for an affair with that person? Honestly assessing these actions will help you avoid these triggers in the future.
Step 2. Accept your mistake
Once everything is exposed, don't defend yourself. Take full responsibility and don't try to turn your problems on your partner. Saying things like, “If only you had tried harder to understand me,” or something like that wouldn't help you right now. Time to examine the root of your unfaithfulness and investigate it later. But in the early days of an affair, the best thing to do if you really want your marriage to last is to accept all the blame.
Step 3. Apologize
It sounds simple, but remember that mumbling “Sorry” is not a great apology. Your partner will feel beyond shock, hurt, anger and fear. Make a sincere, heartfelt and serious apology immediately. Ask for forgiveness, and swear not to repeat the behavior. Understand that your apology may not comfort your partner, but the "absence" of a genuine apology will ruin everything.
Step 4. Apologize often
No, this is not a false repetition. When you admit this kind of behavior, your partner will need "a lot" of time to think about the truth of your betrayal. Just say what it is. You have many opportunities to make different decisions, but the decision you make to become emotionally or sexually involved with another person is the one you are facing now. Your partner, for the first few days, weeks or even months, will need to hear your apology over and over again, and each time it should feel as sincere and heartfelt as the first apology. If you really want to fix your marriage, you have to accept your partner's need to hear you express your sadness and regret over and over again, and in many ways.
Saying "I told you" I'm sorry "a million times" - what does he want? Blood?" won't fix your marriage. But saying, "I would have given anything not to be so stupid, and seeing the suffering I've caused, I'm really, really sorry and I know it will take time for you to believe it won't happen again" will help. Even if you say it a million times
Step 5. Answer the questions honestly
Your partner must have a lot of questions for you. Be willing to answer everything openly, with the exception of the details of your sexual behavior. Describing these details to your partner can instill painful images in their minds, which are rarely helpful.
Step 6. Be like an open book
Feel free to show phone notes, text messages, Facebook chats, etc. DO NOT delete it IMMEDIATELY to "save" your partner from hurt feelings. This will only add to the fear that you are “hiding something.”
Step 7. If it hasn't already been done, cut off all forms of contact with this other person over the phone, in front of your partner
Explain to this person that your partner was there at the time, but that you didn't feel "pressured" to cut off contact at all. This is your own choice. Affirm your dedication to improving your marriage. Explain that you will no longer be in contact with him, or if this is not possible (if he is a coworker or relative), state the limits you will place on this person.
Step 8. Realize that you may experience a deep sense of loss when ending your affair
This is not a "negative sign" about your feelings for your partner. If the affair continues, you may have strong feelings for this person. Even feelings of loyalty to him, or even feelings of betraying “himself” (!) by ending it. This is not uncommon, and is part of the process of improving the situation in the marriage. Your feelings are your feelings. Recognize that, and move on with your life.
If your feelings for your cheating partner are strong, and your partner's negative feelings are just as strong, you may be tempted to seek comfort by "just talking" to your cheating partner about what you're going through. This will not improve your marriage. It's a good idea to talk to a marriage counselor to get your feelings out
Step 9. Allow time for healing
If your partner doesn't want to forgive you right away, you have to accept that. Professionals compare infidelity to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Your partner may experience disturbing feelings and images, deep anxiety, feelings of panic, confusion, etc. Your partner will need time to process the information, and go through all the emotions and pain you caused. It takes time-you can't expect someone with a broken leg to forget their leg and water ski with you the following weekend. Likewise, your partner will need time, space and support to get through this test completely.
Step 10. Provide support and reassurance
If you're a partner who wasn't always around, you need to change your behavior. Always being in a relationship will be the key to repairing a marriage to be healthy again.
Step 11. Be prepared to be insulted or attacked frequently
He will often attack you. You need to let your partner attack you and not strike back, at least for some time. However, don't let this escalate to more than two or three swears in each attack, or until it peaks. Understand the anger and try to temper it with non-violent communication. If that doesn't work, say, “I want to make things right. I don't want to fight. Your words hurt my feelings,” and leave for a while. Your partner may think he feels better after attacking you, but harsh words are unhealthy for both of you. You don't want to reinforce the idea that you're going to be the "bad guy" forever if you want your marriage to heal. Be patient, and don't be surprised when insulting remarks pop up. Turn the attack in a positive direction, if you can, by listening to the pain behind the words, or don't retaliate.
Step 12. Read the situation
Instead of prioritizing “sensitive chatter” over and over again, approach him at the breakfast table, place your hand over his and say, “How are we doing now?” and hinting at both of you can let your partner know that you are interested and pay attention to any feelings that are forming today. If the response is, “Not so good today,” just clap her hands or try giving a small kiss on the cheek with an understanding nod and say, “Okay. Tell me what you need and I'll do my best." If the response is, “Good today,” then give a big smile and a small kiss on the lips. Say, "Yes!" and suggest for dates, such as walks together, trips to the beach, picnics. You know-the romantic things you used to do when you first approached him. That's what you need to do again, because like you did in the beginning, you need to win her love again.
Step 13. Let your partner make the decision for a while
Giving him extra time was important for now. Don't pressure him to have sex. Don't insist on attending the Super Bowl football party on Sunday. Don't bother him if he just wants to sit in the yard and meditate, even if it bores you to death. Just follow it for a while.
Step 14. Remember that you will have to face the consequences of this decision forever
Trust is given easily-we fall in love and give our heart, and we don't question whether the person we love deserves our trust. We just trust that person with all our heart. But once that trust is broken, rebuilding it will take time, and is likely to have many setbacks. Think of trust as a beautiful, fragile flowerpot made of crystal glass. It's amazing how something so fragile and beautiful can hold water, can be a vessel for life itself, and can last forever if taken care of. But the pot can shatter, if you're careless, and although you can put it back together with glue, you'll always see cracks. The pot can stand up again, hold water, and be what it was before for both of you, but there will always be a reminder of the pot's shattering. These cracks can help you if you let them. It can remind you why it's best to stay true and keep your vows. However, you may want to try not to build a fragile relationship again. You can never return to that fragile, trusting state. Accept this. Now is the time to rebuild a container that may not look like the original, but can become stronger, sturdier, if you work hard to improve.
Method 1 of 2: If Your Spouse Cheats
Step 1. Resist the temptation to leave
Once you know you've been cheated on, you want to leave. If your partner is truly sorry, and if you want, in any way, to fix the relationship, you need to try to fix it together.
Step 2. Make a rough evaluation
It is useless to blame your partner and hate the cheating partner. If there were any problems or "before" signs of the affair, they might be showing up clearly by now. If you want your marriage to be whole again, you need to assess whether your actions are a factor in feelings of loneliness in the marriage. This is not to say that "you" are responsible for your partner's decisions. This is simply to say that what is most useful right now is an honest and thorough evaluation of your entire marriage-including your own behavior. There are a lot of things to consider once this bad incident comes to light:
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Are you behaving in a way that could be considered “unlikable”? Not fierce once in a while. We are all like that. But truly unkind, unloving, unwelcome behavior can cause someone who loves us to look elsewhere for kindness, affection and tender touch. If you are being cold and holding back from your partner, realize that your partner is involved in this relationship to partner with you. If you withhold kindness, tenderness or sex from your partner, he or she may look elsewhere, or end the relationship. It's not normal for couples to refrain from having sex for an indefinite period of time. Being kind, gentle and/or sexy with your partner can make all the difference in a relationship.
Trust your judgment. This is very difficult to do once you find out your partner is having a relationship with someone else. When you find an unfaithful partner, it makes you shy, stupid, ashamed and afraid. It undermines your confidence. It interferes with your ability to make even the smallest decisions-where to eat, what to wear. You rethink every little thing. This is a bad time for most people in your position. You're wondering if your whole relationship was a lie. The good news, maybe not. Think about your relationship and what kind of person your partner really is. If you trust him, trust your judgment; believe in yourself and your ability to make good decisions. Realize that you probably won't trust him at this point. He had proven himself through this act that he was not worthy of trust. But as time goes on, that trust may be regained
Step 3. Process anger, grief, fear, disbelief, and shame
If necessary, see a therapist to help you through it. Understand that you can't fix “normal”-the normal response to finding out your partner is cheating on you is all of the emotions above. It takes time to sift through and think things through. You will need to talk about it. You will need friends who are willing to give you space and time.
Step 4. Choose to love again
if you can forgive your partner, you also need to see the effort that he is really trying to show you that you are loved, and that he feels remorseful, and that he sincerely wants to rebuild a trusting relationship with you again. While it's natural to feel like you can't fully trust him or her, you don't have to feel stupid to love your partner-allow yourself to love your partner, even if you're still in pain.
Method 2 of 2: You Both
Step 1. This is a personal matter
Keep it private. While it may be tempting to try to get support from your friends and family to tell “your side of the story,” don't do it. You don't need friends and family to "side you," while isolating and making your partner look bad. If you have to, choose a friend who you know will support you both, and talk carefully about how you feel. Better yet, talk to a professional, who can provide you with good advice.
Step 2. Take your time
There are no magic weapons. There will never be a magical moment where suddenly everything is forgiven, all tears dry, all wounds heal, all anger gone. You will both be in pain for a long time. It can take years (2-5 years generally) to really feel you've made the right decision, and that your marriage is truly repairable. And after you give it a little time (this may vary depending on the two of you)…
Step 3. Act normal, even if you don't "feel" normal
Oh, how scary! Does this suggest that you "pretend" you're okay, even though you're not? Actually, "yes," for certain circumstances. Does this mean you shouldn't pout, sulk, get emotional, suddenly get angry with your partner, make arrogant and hurtful comments – even if you still feel hurt, angry, etc.? Does this mean you shouldn't have a genuine response to your pain? No. You have every right to feel pain. But that response will not help your marriage improve. Does this mean you have to “act” like you want to be there, even if you want to go as fast as the wind? "Of course." You may feel like leaving every day-God only knows that sometimes leaving is easier than going through all of this. But keep going. Be polite. Be warm. Be nice. Instead of making a scathing comment, approach the person you're going to be mad at, and give him a little pat on the back without saying anything at all. When you feel lost or embarrassed, come over and applaud. Doing these things will help reconnect your response, and redirect bad thoughts into good treatment. If you just act like everything is normal, one day you will realize that everything is “absolutely” normal. It's a quiet awakening-it won't come with fireworks.
Step 4. Find reasons to stay
There are a million reasons to leave. After an affair, life can be very difficult for a long time. And there's really no obligation for the injured party to try to get back together, so it can be twice as hard to find an excuse to stay. But whatever your choice, whether it's because of the kids, or because you choose to believe that your partner went through an incident that he or she regrets, and deserves your love and loyalty instead, once you find a reason to stay, stick to it, and remind yourself of that reason whenever you want to quit. Every marriage has its problems, and goes through trials. This is your current trial.
Take it easy. The injured party wants to hold on to the incident longer than the cheating party. The anger and reactions that arise are understandable, but swearing is still unacceptable, and will not help repair the marriage. After a while, you have to let it go, or the cheater will resent your behavior, and become frowning and frozen at this form of punishment. If you continue to berate him, recognize this as disgust, behavior that is only seen in troubled marriages. Now it's "you" who is on the wrong side. Seek therapy from an expert marriage counselor or seek help from a clergyman, to help you leave this in the past, or all your efforts will fail. No one wants to voluntarily be flogged forever, even after he accepts all the blame for his actions. If you try to change your sentence to life, your marriage will be ruined
Step 5. Have fun
If you wake up one day and realize you've accepted the incident, apologized (or been forgiven) for what happened, and you're relieved to have decided to stay with your partner, you've made it through infidelity, your marriage is intact, alive and well again.
Tips
- Believe me. This "is" possible.
- Don't let yourself sink into the shadow of the two of them together.
- Get help. Don't try it yourself. There are many marriage counselors out there. Take your time and choose the one that is right for you and your partner.
- If you are religious, pray. Find refuge in your beliefs. Consult with religious leaders. Pray together.
