Beautiful fairy tales give the impression that "yes, of course!" is the only answer to a marriage proposal. But sometimes, marriage is not a good choice. There are many good reasons to reject a proposal for example: uncertainty that he or she is the right match for marriage, don't really know each other well enough, doubt whether the suitor is really serious, or doubt whether now is the right time to get married.. When it comes to life decisions, never say "yes" if you should have said "no"; honest answers allow you and your partner to make the best decisions about the future.
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Method 1 of 2: Forwarding Future Applications
Step 1. Explain why you don't want to get married
It's okay if the reason is because you have a "hunch" that the marriage won't work and are just following that hunch. However, it's even better to be honest with yourself about what you're worried about. If you're just simply nervous about making such a big commitment (and this anxiety isn't anything out of the ordinary) try reading advice on how to overcome your fear of marriage. If you're worried that you and your partner don't get along in something, it's important that you address those concerns as early as possible, long before your boyfriend proposes to you. Think about these aspects of the relationship beforehand so you're ready to have a serious discussion with him:
- Does the relationship feel serious and permanent to you, or is it more casual and temporary? If the other person takes it more seriously than you do, finding a way to live together can be difficult.
- Can marriage at this time ruin the life plans you have in mind? If the time is postponed, do you still imagine for you to marry your partner?
- Are you worried about your partner's approach to having children, running the household, financial habits, career goals or any other "big picture" that could make your marriage difficult?
- Do you have any other concerns about this partner or relationship that relate to your decision to marry or not? These things should be discussed as soon as possible, although no wedding plans have been discussed yet.
Step 2. Don't play with the code
In an ideal world, the topic of marriage would arise without mental warfare. However, since this is an emotional issue, most people will test the situation out before they propose. The trick can be in the form of jokes, hidden meaningful comments, or other subtle "codes". If your boyfriend brings up the subject of marriage, even if casually, make your point in a clear but polite way. Or ask him to explain what he really means.
- For example, if your spouse comments while looking for a home: "This house would be perfect for a married couple," the code would reply with "It's also suitable for unmarried people."
- Or respond more bluntly: "Honey, you're just commenting on married couples and such. Is there something you want to say? I'd rather be honest than make confusing comments."
Step 3. Stop him before submitting the application
Proposing to someone for marriage often comes with a lot of emotional baggage. Applications can take place in public, such as a restaurant, a sports stadium, a dinner with your family, or any number of special arrangements that have been made. And turning down someone's request after all that dramatic nuance has been built can be an embarrassing sensation for the suitor. If the codes from your partner are getting more and more intense, or if you find a hidden ring, try to get your partner to discuss it before the proposal takes place.
- Remember that the purpose of this discussion is information. You need to know what each other is thinking, not persuade each other to change their minds.
- If your partner doesn't want to put this issue aside, or you don't agree on a short-term path to take, then go to a relationship counselor for advice. Or you may have to split up.
Step 4. Get rid of pressure from other people
Sometimes it may seem as though your parents, friends or even strangers seem eager to see you down the aisle soon. Ultimately, your decision is none of their business and you have no obligation to give them anything other than basic courtesy when refusing such questions or suggestions. For example:
- A polite "Still no plans" is a good first step, or "If there are developments, I'll be sure to let you know!"
- Humor can help reduce the pressure between family members and close friends who constantly pressure you: "Wait until Kate Middleton's wedding dress designer wants to make a dress for me first"
- Try to be stiff if strangers or acquaintances don't notice your code: "We're on good terms, thanks for the concern."
Step 5. Think about the future
If you and your partner are both having discussions (perhaps with the help of a relationship counselor), you've given yourself some time. This is often exactly what you need, but use this time wisely. If, for example, your only concern is whether to reevaluate the application after you finish your education, you may well see what will happen in the future. If you have any doubts about the relationship itself, think carefully about whether to stay together, continue discussing the matter with your partner, and seek advice from a relationship counselor if necessary, or from a friend who is in a healthy, impartial and unbiased relationship. spread rumors about your relationship.
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If there is an event in your life that could put a lot of pressure on you to get married, take the time to plan this in advance. Some events you can avoid as much as possible, such as pregnancy. While some others you can not control, for example a deadly disease suffered by a family member. Seeking advice and support is especially important in situations like these, when you feel pressured to make decisions under pressure.
- Don't make decisions because of other family members. Well, maybe your grandmother would be happy to see you married before she died. But your grandmother didn't have the consequences if you married the wrong person, at the wrong time for the wrong reasons.
- Pregnancy out of wedlock can be a tricky problem. But getting married just for the sake of the baby also often ends badly.
Method 2 of 2: Rejecting an Application
Step 1. Don't misunderstand your body language
Try not to smile when proposed, or at least don't look radiant and passionate. If your partner has gone as far as asking if you're willing to marry, he's assuming that you'll agree and your smile will only confirm his hopes. This will amplify the pain she will feel because of your rejection. Look your partner in the eye gently, place your hand over his and give your answer in a soft voice.
Step 2. Respond to applications in public
If you're in a public place when you're being proposed, ask the applicant to stand up (if necessary), and give him a gentle hug. This is a way of letting him know that you're touched by his attitude, without saying "yes." Hopefully, this will be enough to make anyone watching stop being curious and get back to what they were doing, which will help reduce the embarrassing sensation your partner is experiencing.
- If people are still watching, take your partner's hand and quietly invite him or her to a more private place.
- Never say yes just to get out of the situation, so you can give the real answer later. This will only make the subsequent rejection more painful.
Step 3. Stay positive but honest
This guide assumes that you like the person who proposed to you. If your ex-boyfriend three years ago suddenly shows up and proposes to you, obviously the advice you need is to just say "no and get out of here!" But if the suitor has reason to have high hopes, it's better to politely decline without misunderstanding him. Say something appreciative, but short so you can convey your answer:
- "This request really touched me. But I need some time to think about it; it's not something I feel I can accept right away. This proposal surprised me quite a bit - you don't mind if I need some time to think about it first?"
- "Thank you, you're wonderful, honey. But I have so many questions I haven't told you, so I'm not sure about our future compatibility. Maybe this is the right time for us to talk about how we imagine spending our lives together."
- "I'm glad you proposed to me, but I don't plan on getting married (in the near future)."
- "I'm flattered that you proposed to me. You are such a kind and caring person. Unfortunately I can't imagine living married life with you and I have to say no."
Step 4. Respond to your partner's dissatisfaction and confusion
Chances are the suitor has put in a lot of effort to propose, thinking carefully about why he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Dealing with the disappointment gently won't be easy, but there are ways for you to help with the process:
- Make room for each other if you both feel angry or too sad to talk. Let your partner know that you'll be contacting them in the near future (preferably the same day or the next morning), but give them time to think until then.
- Invite him to do activities that you both enjoy. If your partner wants some affection from you, spend the rest of the day together doing something fun for both of you. This will act as a distraction and will help your boyfriend realize that you still love him.
Step 5. Describe your feelings
It's just the two of you privately, and after neither of you are upset with each other, explain at length what the situation is. Emphasize that this relationship still means a lot to you. Explain clearly why you are not ready to accept the application. Don't let your partner think that the reason is because he doesn't deserve you.
If you have doubts about the relationship itself, not just the marriage, be honest about it. Now may not be the best time to raise your grievances, but let your partner know that there are issues you should talk about once you've both calmed down enough
Step 6. Think about the way forward
Things can get very awkward from the moment of this rejection, or it could be that things will go on as usual with a kind and caring approach to continue to nurture the love and relationship between the two of you. If the suitor can accept your position (whether that's accepting an alternative to marriage or postponing the decision to marry for now), then the relationship is likely to stay strong and keep going. On the other hand, if this rejection is opening the gap between the two of you and causing suspicion, anger, hatred or discomfort, it may be time to review your reasons for staying together. Unless it is clear that the relationship is over; take a few weeks to sort out post-proposal feelings before making a drastic decision.
Step 7. Avoid making conditional agreements
Telling your partner that you will say "Yes, if…" is not an expression of love or a reasonable compromise. You could end up in the same situation a year later, very disappointed that you cornered yourself. Instead, ask for more time to think carefully about what made you want to answer his application conditionally. Most likely your original answer was actually "no," and you should only change this answer if your conscience really changes.
Tips
- If the proposal is a sudden, unprepared comment, you can give a lighter answer, such as "I guess you'll have to look around when you want to apply" or "It's too early to think about it."
- A proposal ring is not a reason to accept a proposal! It's the person who proposes to you that you should accept or decline, not the ring.
- Acknowledge that your emotions will be very volatile. It takes courage to apply and to reject an application. By accepting that this is a highly emotional situation, you give yourself the right to feel confusion, awkwardness, and uncertainty.
- An alternative solution to all of this is to simply say no.
Warning
- If you know that he's not the person you want to spend your life with, don't hang them on to false hopes or vague comments that can be interpreted in a variety of ways. It's better if you explain your opinion.
- Avoid making jokes or being funny. This is a very vulnerable time that is serious and fragile, so jokes or jokes can hurt feelings. If you must use an element of humor, be sure to focus on yourself.
