Statistics show that more than 50 percent of married couples will experience infidelity problems. However, not all cases of infidelity have to end in divorce. Efforts to save a marriage often make the relationship between a couple stronger than ever. Learning to save a marriage after an affair is not easy and requires sacrifice and compromise on both sides.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Reacting After Infidelity Is Revealed
Step 1. Take responsibility for your actions
If you're the one having an affair, it's important that you take responsibility for your actions and end the affair. You should stop all communication with the person and try not to interact with them at all. If your partner has been unfaithful, you should confirm with him that he has ended the relationship and intends not to be in a relationship at all.
If you want to keep your marriage, don't make a decision right away. Instead of making big decisions quickly, try to agree to work together to solve the problem. This will lessen the burden on you while trying to mend your relationship and allow you to do your best to get through the affair
Step 2. Express your pain honestly and openly
Don't be afraid to express your pain to your partner and open your ears to listen to the pain he has to say. Often times if you admit your infidelity and explain how it hurts you and your marriage, it can help to process the affair. Expressing your emotions can help you to reduce the pain you are feeling and be able to get through the affair.
When you first find out about the affair, or when your partner first confronts you about the affair, it's important that you don't make hasty decisions. Most likely you are feeling disappointed and hurt. Don't let your emotions dictate your reaction. Try to talk about the affair openly with your partner and focus on expressing how you feel, instead of yelling at each other
Step 3. If needed, try temporarily separating
When you discover or admit to an affair, the situation can be very tense. You may react based on anger or even filled with shock. Take some time apart from your partner to think about the affair and to process your emotions. Don't hesitate to give each other space if you feel it will help you to stay out of this affair.
Step 4. Call family and friends
Seek objective, non-judgmental support from friends, loved ones, or religious leaders. If you've seen a therapist before, you may want to ask this professional for guidance. It can often be helpful to have someone to listen to you as you process your emotions and to support you verbally or without words when dealing with this difficult problem.
You can also continue to rely on friends and family when trying to digest and fix the problem of this affair. Once you've decided to save your marriage and work through your problems with your partner, it can be helpful to have people who can support you. You can schedule weekends to spend time with family and friends while trying to work things out with your partner
Step 5. Think about what reasons could be behind this affair
Infidelity can happen for a variety of reasons and those reasons could only be in your relationship. It is important for you to be transparent and honest if you want to maintain your marriage after your partner finds out about your infidelity or you admit it. If you find your partner cheating on you, think about why he did it. Ask your partner if he knows the reason behind his infidelity and if there are several factors that played a role in this affair. There are many factors that contribute to infidelity, some of which may have nothing to do with sex. Some of these factors are:
- Sexual attraction to someone other than you and deciding to take action on the impulse of this feeling, instead of suppressing it.
- Feeling a strong emotional connection to someone.
- Talking about marriage problems to someone other than you.
- Having unrealistic fantasies about someone and being blinded by them.
Part 2 of 3: Building Trust and Communication
Step 1. Try evaluating your bond with your partner
When you're no longer in a state of shock when you learn of the affair, try to take some time to think about the overall bond with your partner. Try to think about whether your values are in line and share the same view of the future. It's important to make sure you have the same goals going forward.
- Think about whether you share the same views regarding family, finances, and the future.
- Try asking yourself if your partner makes you happy.
- Think about whether you still want this relationship to last and whether you guys still have a future or not.
- Think about whether you are still sexually attracted to him or not.
- Think about whether you guys set and achieve common goals and whether you enjoy spending time together.
Step 2. Discuss how you can be more transparent to one another
Every couple faces privacy issues differently. Some couples may not mind sharing messages they receive on their cell phones and being open with each other about where they are going and with whom. Other couples may prefer to have an in-depth conversation over dinner about their day and share experiences in that way.
This is to prevent secrets and lies from ruining the relationship while the two of you move on with your marriage. By being open and honest on a daily basis, you can build trust between each other and possibly have a stronger marriage than the marriage before the affair
Step 3. Try to forgive
Forgiving your partner doesn't mean you have to forget or ignore the affair. Instead, try to be open to forgiving your partner for the affair in the end.
It can take years to truly forgive your partner, but it's important that you don't close yourself off to this possibility. Your partner should try to get forgiveness from you by rebuilding trust between you and making the marriage last after this affair. This is not easy because it can involve a willingness to be open and transparent when undergoing marriage therapy sessions. Or maybe you need time to return your feelings to your partner and to be able to forgive them when you are no longer involved in this affair
Part 3 of 3: Seeking Professional Help
Step 1. Take a joint marriage counseling session
It's a good idea to seek help from a therapist who is qualified and has been through training in marital problems so that you can deal with this infidelity issue. A marriage therapist can clear up these infidelity issues, identify contributing factors to them, and teach you how to rebuild existing relationships.
Marriage therapists can provide reading material for you to study and discuss together at home as you try to save your marriage. It's important that you show your partner that you're willing to try to save the marriage by committing to attend weekly therapy sessions and read all of the therapist's reading material
Step 2. If necessary, try to see a therapist alone
Maybe you feel like seeing a therapist yourself to work on your own problems, especially if you're the one cheating on you. While group therapy sessions are great for both you and your partner, attending these sessions alone can show your partner that you're also willing to focus on your own issues so that they don't hinder the progress you make after attending a therapy session together.
Maybe you can see a therapist alone if you feel that some personal issues you have are causing the affair or are making you feel something for someone other than your partner. Trying to address these issues can help you better support your partner as you try to save the marriage
Step 3. Join a support group for couples
A support group is a group of people who meet regularly to share their problems. Look for a couples-only support group focused on saving marriages after an affair has occurred if possible. You may find it helpful to share your experiences with others who are also going through the same problem.
