Trust will be difficult to return to normal if your lover has lied to you. In fact, many relationships have been tinged with harmless lies or exaggeration of the truth in the early stages when both parties try to impress each other. However, if your boyfriend likes lying so much that it's become a habit, you need to be able to recognize when he's lying, think about why he's lying, and respond to his lies honestly and openly. If he continues to lie to you, even when you confront him, you need to consider whether there is a bigger relationship problem than petty lies.
Step
Part 1 of 2: Knowing When He's Lying
Step 1. Pay attention to his body language
According to behavioral specialists, people who lie tend to exhibit certain body language. Look for these body language cues to determine if your boyfriend is lying. For example:
- He often scratched his nose and his nose turned red. It's called Pinocchio's Nose because lying causes the body's cells to release histamine which can make the nose itchy and swollen.
- Displays denial cues, such as covering and protecting the mouth and rubbing or putting one hand over the eye, nose, or ear. He may also avoid eye contact or turn his body or head away from you when speaking.
Step 2. Listen to the tone of his voice
You may notice the tone of his voice changes or differs when he is lying. Maybe he stammers, takes long pauses, or speaks with an unusual intonation. Sudden changes in speech patterns when talking about a particular subject, person, or event may be a sign that he is lying.
Step 3. Pay attention to the choice of words and language
In addition to the physical Pinocchio effect, he will probably show the Pinocchio effect in his choice of words. Often times, people who lie tend to use more words in an attempt to hide the lie or distract you from the lie.
- According to a study by Harvard Business School, liars tend to use more swear words when speaking because they are so focused on the lie that they forget to use appropriate terms or polite language.
- He may use a third person to distance himself from the lie he is telling and may try to change the subject immediately after the lie so you don't notice.
Part 2 of 2: Responding to His Lies
Step 1. Remember that there are three reasons people lie
While there are many reasons behind someone's lies, most people lie to hide something from others, to hurt someone, or to make themselves greater or better than they really are. So, it can be helpful to consider what reasons might prompt your boyfriend to lie to you.
If he's lying to hide something, you can find out his lie as a way to reveal the truth he's hiding. If you're in a new relationship, maybe she's lying to elevate herself so she deserves your attention. However, if you think he's lying to hurt you, consider whether his lies are a sign that there are other problems in the relationship that need to be worked out
Step 2. Don't blame yourself for your lover's lies
If you've ever complained about his habits or behavior, it's possible that you felt you had a hand in making him cover up the bad habits or behavior. However, keep in mind that you are not to blame because he is fully responsible for his own behavior. Part of being an adult in a mature relationship is being willing to take responsibility for your own actions. He has to accept responsibility for his lies and you shouldn't feel responsible for his choices.
No one can be "forced" to lie because it is his own choice and he is responsible for that choice. Keep this in mind when you face your lover's lies
Step 3. Consider the context behind the lie
If you catch him lying, or notice signs that he's lying when he's talking to you, think about what conversations might trigger or encourage him to lie. You can discuss an event he was supposed to attend together, but he canceled at the last minute, or about the people he worked with.
- Thinking about the context of the lie can also help you determine why he feels he has to lie. This way, when you confront him, you can explain why you think he's lying, and you can also share your feelings honestly and openly.
- There are many reasons why people lie to their partners, and you can consider common relationship scenarios. For example, you have criticized your partner's bad habits, such as smoking or being extravagant. Then he lies so you don't get upset or want to talk again. Maybe he's also lying to avoid conflict or to avoid having to break a bad habit.
Step 4. Deal with him honestly and openly
If you catch him lying, you can't just ask him to stop lying. You cannot control his desire or ability to lie. However, you can control it so that he doesn't get away with lying. Confronting calmly and openly will ensure that you are in control of the conversation.
- Instead of saying, "I know you're lying," or "You're a liar," give him a chance to be honest. Say, "I think there's something you're worried about or you don't want me to know about. I think now is the time for us to talk about it so we can work it out together.”
- This will show your boyfriend that you want to be honest and open with each other and that you're not accusing him of lying. Instead, you let him make amends and admit his own lies.
Step 5. Discuss the reasons why he lied
Allow your lover to give reasons, but beware of fabricated excuses. Maybe he feels compelled to be dishonest because he knows you won't agree or will get angry. Maybe he's hiding dependencies or personal issues that he doesn't want you to know about. Focus on working together to help him work through the issue or problem so he doesn't have to feel like lying anymore.
If he's lying because he's addicted to something or a personal problem, you can suggest that he go to substance abuse counseling or talk to a therapist about his problem. This is one way of dealing with personal problems without having to lie to you or to anyone else in his life
Step 6. Make it clear that you don't like being lied to
After you've given your boyfriend a chance to explain, give him time to consider his response. If he admits that he lied and explains why, you should remind him that he shouldn't be lying. By doing so, you're showing that you're uncomfortable and unhappy with his behavior and hope he doesn't do it again.
Step 7. Consider how this lie will affect your relationship
After the conversation is over, take some time to analyze your relationship. He may have a good reason, but if he continues to lie, you need to consider whether the lie is a sign of a deeper problem.
