There's nothing worse than realizing that you've lost your chance to continue a beautiful relationship. You can still get your ex back even if he says he doesn't want to, either because you hurt him or because he decided that this relationship wasn't right for him. The key is to respect him, not overwhelm him, and remind him that the relationship was beautiful before, and show that things could be better if the relationship resumed.
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Part 1 of 3: Taking a Step Back
Step 1. Take some distance
Even if you're determined to get your ex back this very second, you'll need to step back a bit to create distance and perspective. One of the reasons this step is important is that if he says he's never coming back, it's best not to try to push him because the situation will only get worse. Creating distance will also help you figure out what exactly went wrong and how to fix it.
- Take at least a week or two to calm down and think about the situation more rationally, rather than acting on emotions.
- Use this time to enjoy solitude, keep a diary, and get your feelings in order. This way, you can handle the situation with more planning and less intensity.
Step 2. Make sure you really want to go back
Once you're away, you have to convince yourself that you really want to get back together with him. If he says he doesn't want to come back, he may have a good reason, like you've done something to break his trust or he's never been there for you emotionally. Whatever the reason, you have to understand that if you really want to get people who say they don't want to come back, then you are challenging yourself and have to believe that the effort will be worth it.
- Don't waste time and energy on missions that are doomed to fail. If you feel like there's absolutely no chance, you should ask yourself if you want to be hurt again.
- However, if you feel that he and you should be together and parted because of a misunderstanding, you should try to get the relationship back to normal.
Step 3. Find out what went wrong
If you want to get your ex back, you have to understand what made the relationship problematic. Maybe there's intimacy issues, maybe you're too flirty, maybe he has trouble communicating. Whatever the cause, you need to make sure the problem isn't a fundamental difference, but something that can be fixed. If you don't understand what the problem is, you can't go ahead and repair the relationship.
- If the problem is an unbridgeable difference, you should find out if there is a way for you and your ex to accept the difference and move on with the relationship.
- Think carefully. Maybe you and your ex have different views on what exactly is causing the relationship rift. You may think your relationship ends because you don't spend much time together, but the real reason is that he feels like you're not open to him.
Step 4. Fix yourself first
It's possible that one of the reasons the relationship ended was because you had personal issues to deal with. If you have low self-esteem, aren't good at communicating, can't open up, or some other factor is keeping you from enjoying your relationship, you should work on fixing it first. This can sometimes take a while, but after that you will be ready to move on to a healthier relationship.
- Remember that if you are not happy with yourself, you will not be able to be happy in a relationship. Make yourself happy first and then bring that happy self into the relationship.
- You don't have to love yourself 100% to be in a relationship, but you do have to have confidence from within, not from other people, because you'll be disappointed in yourself if the relationship has to end again.
Step 5. Seek advice from others
If you don't understand or are confused about what has happened between you and your ex or what to do next, seek advice or another perspective from a trusted friend. Friends can really help if they know you and your ex because they can see what you weren't aware of before. Friends can also help you find the best way to get your ex back.
- A different perspective on judging relationships can help you see things you didn't see before, even if you don't want to hear the truth.
- Talking to someone can also build confidence to move forward and reduce feelings of loneliness.
Step 6. Wait until your ex is ready to talk to him again
While you don't want to wait forever, don't take any hasty steps if he really can't stand the sight of you. If you've hurt him a lot and he can't look you in the eye, then this isn't a good time to start a conversation. However, if you see that he is comfortable chatting with you or at least saying hello, you can approach him with caution.
- If you've hurt him deeply and feel he won't talk to you until you first show your remorse, you may need to write a letter if he doesn't want to hear what you have to say.
- Time may not heal all wounds, but it can reduce the intensity of negative feelings. Even if you can't wait to come back, realize that your chances of success will actually increase if you give him enough time to forget or care less about his negative feelings for you.
Part 2 of 3: Winning Him Back
Step 1. Let your ex see you're happy without him
If you really want to keep him interested, you have to show him that you don't need him to be happy. While it may seem counterintuitive, this move can actually make your ex jealous and wish they could get back at you. However, don't let your intentions become obvious to make him see that you are confident and capable of doing anything without him.
- If you and your ex are in the same room, try not to look at them or act like you care what they think about you. Focus on enjoying chatting with your own friends and enjoying the time without looking at them.
- Don't fake a laugh just to make him jealous, but you also shouldn't hold back if you want to laugh and have fun when he sees.
- Even if you're alone, try to be cheerful and act like you're in a good mood when you walk by. You don't want him to think you're miserable without him.
Step 2. Make him a little jealous
While you don't have to make him so jealous that you think you've forgotten him, there's nothing wrong with enjoying the other guy's attention a little bit. You can flirt a little or chat if your ex is nearby, rather than avoiding every guy in the hope that your ex will approach you. Don't be afraid to post pictures of you with your male friends on social media, and don't stop chatting with other guys just because your ex sees.
- While you shouldn't be using a guy who likes you just to make his ex jealous, there's nothing wrong with being a little flirty if you're sure it's going nowhere.
- You can also have fun and laugh with guys who are just friends.
Step 3. Start hanging out with your ex again
Once you feel the time is right for a chat, you can get him used to accepting your presence in his life once again. You can start by saying hello when you pass in the hallway or have a quick chat at a party, then continue by drinking coffee together or walking across from each other in the same direction. Show a friendly and open attitude, and keep things light. Don't jump into intense conversation about the reasons the relationship ended at this early stage.
- First, start by hanging out with your ex in a group, then see if being alone is the best way to approach him, even if it's just to go somewhere for a bit.
- Read her body language when you start chatting again. If he's facing the other way, crossing his arms over his chest, or refusing to make eye contact, he may not be ready to spend time with you.
Step 4. Show that things would be different if the relationship continued
Once the two of you start spending time together again, you should try to make him see if the relationship continues, there are no more failures. Whatever the main problem, you have to show that you've changed and he can change too. If he feels you are going back to old habits, he is less likely to want to go back to the same relationship.
- If your main problem is communication, then you need to be frank and open when chatting.
- If he thinks you're relying too much on him, make sure you give him space.
- You can also remind him of the good things you have in common, such as how the two of you could laugh for hours or have fun on the phone.
Step 5. See if he's interested
You need to be able to get a feel for what your ex is thinking before you try to get him back. Since he's said he's never coming back, you have to make sure that his mindset has changed. You have to be smart to read for signs whether or not he's ready to come back, or even just try dating. Here are signs that indicate he wants to come back:
- If he seems genuinely happy to see you coming
- If his face lights up when he sees you
- If he is reluctant to end the chat with you
- If he turns to you when you talk, makes eye contact, and tries to touch you
- If he starts looking for an excuse to meet you
- If he compliments you
- If he starts texting or asking what you're doing
- If he is he mocks other men who were once close to you
- If he suggests some activities you did with him when you were dating
Step 6. Start dating again
If it seems that your ex wants to date again, you can open a chat about how to make the relationship work this time. Do not immediately make out before discussing this carefully so that there is no confusion. If you decide to be with him again, you should be ready to rebuild the relationship from scratch.
- Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Relationships don't have to be perfect, but you have to live them with optimism and a strong desire to make them work.
- Start slowly, do not immediately show affection in public. You don't have to announce this togetherness to everyone within earshot until you're absolutely sure about the direction this new chapter of your relationship is headed.
Part 3 of 3: Maintaining Relationships
Step 1. Start slowly
Even if you're very happy, remember to let things go their natural way. If you continue the relationship from the last point before breaking up, it will be too pushy. It's a good idea to act like you're in a new relationship with a new person, and start getting to know each other and take better care of your partner.
- Don't do anything intense in the early days of the relationship. Don't force him to hang out with your friends, meet your family, or spend the weekend with you. At this stage you should focus on building the foundation of a strong relationship.
- Make sure you both still have some freedom. Keep hanging out with your female friends and pursuing interests, don't just want to be with your partner 24/7.
- Don't be too quick to talk about your deepest feelings. Don't overwhelm him or feel like you're moving too fast.
Step 2. Have an open channel of communication
No relationship can survive without healthy communication. Whether poor communication is the main cause of relationship breakdown or just a side effect of a bigger problem, you should try to have strong communication this time so that you and your partner understand each other. Here are some guidelines to ensure that you and your partner stay strong in communication:
- If something is bothering you, make sure you work it out, not be passive aggressive
- Learn to read your partner's facial expressions and body language to see if something is wrong
- Learn to listen to your partner, not interrupt or wait your turn to talk
- Make sure you and your partner both know how to compromise, not just trying to force your will
- Choose words wisely so as not to hurt your partner when you really just want to talk about something that bothers you
Step 3. Solve the hanging problem
Before starting a new relationship, you should leave any remnants of the past behind and make sure you both have learned from the experience. Don't just ignore the problems that used to be the reason for the breakup, you must try to overcome them so that the relationship this time is stronger. This is the only way to rekindle a broken relationship and ensure you are on the right track to a healthy and mature relationship.
- Discuss the issues that led to the breakup in a frank and open manner. Be prepared to answer all questions from your partner and answer honestly.
- If you're still not sure what's causing it, you should ask your partner to talk about it. Don't rekindle a broken relationship without knowing where you stand.
- If you're separating because of your partner's personal problems, make sure he or she has a plan to work things out.
Step 4. Make sure you stay true to yourself
While both parties have to change a bit to make the relationship work in this second half, you need to stay true to yourself and not change into a different person just to be liked by your ex again. After all, you want him to like you for who you are, not the perfect version that you think is more attractive to your partner. Make sure you stay true to yourself while working on the issues that are causing the relationship to fail.
- If you feel like you're not being yourself or looking like someone else just to please your partner, then you personally have a serious problem.
- If you're not sure whether you're being yourself or not, ask your friends. They can see more clearly whether you are acting like yourself or not when you are with your partner.
Step 5. Enjoy the moment you are living in the moment
If you want this relationship to work, you can't spend time and energy dwelling on the past. Sure, you've both made mistakes and have hurt each other, but if you keep that in mind and bring it up in arguments, you won't be able to get away from it. On the other hand, if you focus too much on the future or worry about whether the relationship will last, you won't be able to enjoy the time together either.
- Focus on starting from scratch. Leave all the past behind and work on building new, stronger relationships.
- If there's been a serious problem in the past, you certainly don't have to deny it or pretend it didn't happen. You can talk about it if you need to, but don't get hung up on it.
- If you talk too much about the future, your partner may feel anxious or suffocated, and give the impression that you are not happy with the current state of the relationship.
Step 6. Don't make the same mistake
If you want to build a strong relationship, you have to remember what caused the relationship to end, but not become obsessed. You can't handle the same situation the same way, or you'll just end up fighting again, not really understanding each other, or feeling like you can't mend any relationship you've had.
- If the problem is that you don't spend time alone together, then this time you have to make sure you don't fill your schedule with activities with other people and don't involve your partner. If the problem is yelling at each other in public, make sure that you both try to please each other this time, not exposing each other when you're out.
- Even if you don't always bring up the past, you should both want to move forward and avoid whatever caused the breakup in the first place. For example, you should be comfortable talking, “Hey, remember what we used to have a big fight over? How can I make it not like that again…”
- Of course, no one is perfect, and it's only natural that the two of you fall back into old habits. If that happens, you should apologize and show that you really mean it.
Step 7. Realize that the relationship won't work
There are many failed relationships that can be saved, but if after a while nothing changes for the better, you have to ask yourself again whether the relationship still needs to be continued or not. If you feel like you've put in all the effort you can muster, and either your partner isn't trying or the two of you just don't get along, it's probably best to just split up instead of wasting your time.
- Be honest with yourself. Do you feel like you've given your all and the relationship still isn't working? If that's the case, you should be proud of yourself for putting in the effort and now ready to take another path.
- Even if the relationship has to end again, don't think that your time or emotional effort was wasted. Every relationship helps you learn how to communicate with others and work through problems, and no matter what happens, you'll be stronger and more understanding when you enter into new relationships in the future.
