Forgiving is sometimes not easy, especially for people who have hurt you so much. Maybe the apology wasn't sincere enough, maybe you need more time to think, or maybe you don't have the right words to express your feelings. However, once you've decided to accept someone's apology, express your feelings and forgive. If the apology seems sincere and serious, for your own good, try to accept it, then express your apology through behavior.
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Part 1 of 4: Assessing Apologies
Step 1. Pay attention to the words when apologizing
See if he uses "I" statements like "I realized I was wrong and I'm sorry." This shows that he is responsible for his actions, which is an important part of an apology. Also, listen to his tone of voice and body language. Most people will maintain eye contact and use a sincere tone of voice when apologizing. Avoiding eye contact, speaking in a flat or sarcastic tone may indicate that he is not serious.
- A sincere apology must be said directly and wholeheartedly. For example, “Now I realize I was wrong and I'm sorry. I apologize for my actions and I hope you can forgive me.”
- Remember that each person's body language varies depending on their background and certain disorders. For example, a person with social anxiety may avoid eye contact even if he or she is sincere. However, apathy will be felt in all languages. So, people who don't sincerely apologize will be seen.
- Be careful with fauxpology or apologies that aren't actually apologies. This can be recognized by his words, such as "Sorry if you offended", "I'm sorry if you feel that way", "I didn't mean it that way", "Yeah I was wrong, but that's okay", etc. This type of apology is made by people who don't admit their mistakes and show that they don't want to take responsibility.
Step 2. Pay attention to passive aggressive words in the apology
Maybe this is a sign the apology is not sincere. People who don't truly apologize will either point out that you were at fault or blame you for most or all of what happened. This kind of wording is also a sign that he's half-hearted and a way to let go of responsibility, throw the blame on you, or so that he doesn't have to face the consequences of his actions.
- Here's an example of a passive aggressive apology, “I asked you to the party, but you didn't want to. I ended up going alone and didn't tell you. If you want, I don't have to lie. I'm sorry."
- In the example above, this person isn't really apologizing and maybe he's used to using insincere apologies to get out of difficult situations.
Step 3. Trust your instincts
Of all the ways you can analyze someone's intentions, it's usually instinct that can lead you to believe and forgive or not. Think carefully and listen to your instincts. Ask yourself some of the following:
- Did your instincts tell him to be honest and sincere?
- Did he apologize and promise not to do it again? These are the two key elements that are important in an apology (the key elements discussed above are accepting responsibility and not throwing blame).
- Do you feel doubtful or confused around this person? If his apology conveys a sense of "fear, obligation, guilt, often abbreviated as FOG, which is essentially an emotional blackmail), it means he's not apologizing, but a manipulation tactic designed to control you and keep you from questioning his actions..
- Does the apology sound sincere to your ears?
Step 4. Consider whether you are ready to accept the apology
Before you forgive, you need to consider the context around the apology and how closely you know this person. For example:
- If he's a close friend or family member who's been known to misbehave, think about whether he's apologizing just to avoid consequences. If he has made a mistake and promised to change, but that promise was not kept, it is possible that he is likely to use an apology as a way to avoid taking responsibility for his actions.
- If a family member or partner is apologizing for doing something he or she rarely does and isn't in the habit of, you can be more generous with your forgiveness.
- Does he often apologize? In this case, it's hard to tell when he's sincerely apologizing because his habit of apologizing can make you immune to real apologies. To judge more than the word "I'm sorry," see if he takes responsibility for his actions, shows remorse, apologizes and promises not to do it again.
Step 5. Don't rush to accept, or talk about it again if necessary
There are various reasons people make mistakes or hurt others. You have to be willing to forget the mistake, especially if he's sincerely apologizing. If you're still wondering whether to believe it or not, maybe you need to talk about it further.
Perhaps this approach is better than accepting an apology that you doubt is genuine, and then still feeling irritated and angry even though it looks fine on the outside. By talking, you can also express what exactly has hurt you and to explain what pain you want him to pay attention to
Part 2 of 4: Accepting Sorry
Step 1. Express your thanks for apologizing
Start by saying that you appreciate his apology and willingness to make amends. The words are simple, such as “Thank you for apologizing” or “I appreciate your apology, thank you.”
- Listen sincerely. It's appropriate to expect a heartfelt apology, but you also have a responsibility to listen sincerely. This means don't interrupt, criticize, or argue during or about the apology.
- Don't play down people's apologies by saying, "It's okay" or "Yeah." This can hurt his feelings because it seems as if the apology is not important and the problem is not resolved. Answers like this also imply indifference, which can exacerbate or hinder problem solving. If you need time to digest the situation, say so. For example, “Thank you, I appreciate your apology. I'm still sick and it will take some time before I can believe this won't happen again."
- Do not hesitate to express your appreciation because he dared to apologize and admit mistakes.
Step 2. Explain that your feelings still hurt
After thanking him, say that your feelings still hurt, and be specific about how he hurt you. This indicates that you are being honest about your emotions and are not overdoing it or being too relaxed about the situation. Say, “Thank you for apologizing. I'm still hurt you lied” or “I appreciate your apology, thank you. My heart hurts when you yell at me in front of my parents.”
Explain how you feel when he misbehaves, but don't use a passive aggressive tone of voice or avoid criticism. Express your feelings honestly and sincerely as he sincerely and honestly apologizes
Step 3. Say “I understand” instead of responding with “It's okay
After sharing your feelings, end by saying that you understand why he made the mistake and that you are willing to forgive and forget. You can say, "I understand why you feel the need to lie, and I can forgive him."
Phrases like "It's okay" or "Forget it" don't show that you've forgiven. The impression is also not serious, belittling, disrespectful, especially if he is seriously apologizing. Remember that it takes a lot of courage to admit you were wrong, and assume he's sincere unless proven otherwise
Step 4. Reply to a text message apologizing in concise and concise language
Apologizing via text may not be as good as speaking in person, but it's still better than nothing. If you get an apology in a message, follow the same steps as usual, but keep your feelings across. Don't let him know just because he's not in your presence, and make sure he knows how much he hurt you.
- For example, you might type, “Thank you for apologizing, I really needed to hear that. My feelings hurt when you ignored me yesterday, but I understand that you are in trouble and yesterday was a bad day for you.”
- You can also ask to speak in person or via video chat instead of written text.
Part 3 of 4: Realizing Forgiveness Through Action
Step 1. Try to act as usual
You've received someone's apology, so what? It may be a little awkward at first, and there may be some discomfort. However, if you put the matter aside and change the topic or don't talk about it anymore, you'll be able to welcome him back into your life and get your relationship back on track.
- Things don't go back to normal right away, and you may need some time after he apologizes. It's natural that some things feel weird afterward.
- You can work around the awkwardness (if any) by saying, “That's over. Can we take care of this business as usual?” or "Okay, now don't be so serious anymore."
Step 2. Forgive completely by learning to calm down
Even if you forgive, you may still have a hard time forgetting. If you remember, you may be anxious, sad, or stressed again, but that's normal. If you want to forgive completely, try independent methods to calm yourself down, such as deep breathing, meditation, or self-care and relaxation. In this way, you can ease the pain of what happened and begin to rekindle good feelings toward the person you've forgiven.
Forgiveness doesn't just happen, and probably never will. Open your heart to fully forgive, but don't expect you to forget overnight
Step 3. Suggest spending some quality time with this person
One way to put your forgiveness into action is to show that you are actively trying to forgive him by renewing everything from scratch. Suggest enjoying some quality time to show that you're still happy with him and want to continue the friendship. If necessary, remind him that you are trying to forget even if the pain is still there, asking him not to act like nothing happened. After all, both of you are now trying to go back to how you used to be and heal the wounds.
- Plan activities together, such as sports, hiking, short courses, etc. This shows that you are willing to build trust again and renew friendships.
- Suggest doing activities that you both enjoy as a sign that you want to forget the negativity and focus on the good times and the positive.
Step 4. Get ready if there is another problem between the two of you
While you may have to make an effort to rekindle your trust, especially if he apologized wholeheartedly and you've forgiven, watch out for warning signs. Watch for small moments that indicate that he may have made a mistake again or gone back to an old habit that could cause problems and should apologize again. Try to keep him from making the same mistakes or hurting you again as before.
For example, if he starts to be late again for a date, scold him so he understands. Remind him that you are disappointed if he is late. This may encourage him to try to be on time
Part 4 of 4: Coping With Difficult Situations
Step 1. End the relationship if it can't be fixed
Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. Even if you can forget, you may not be able to repair the relationship again. In this case, you should end the relationship for the common good. Healthy relationships cannot develop if there is hatred from both parties.
- You could say, “I accepted your apology yesterday, but I don't think it will ever be like it used to be after what you did. Sorry, but I think we should part."
- Or, “Our friendship means a lot to me, but I'm still thinking about what happened last month. I guess I can't forget, and I need some alone time."
Step 2. Watch out for people who continue bad behavior
Giving a second chance is fine, but a third, or a fourth? There will be times when a person just apologizes because he knows you will forgive and he will always belittle you. If your friend or partner always does something bad and then apologizes, he or she may not be apologizing for the right reasons. In the end, you may have to end the relationship if he doesn't correct his behavior.
The best apologies are made with actions, not words. If someone does something they know will hurt you, then they're not really apologizing
Step 3. Agree with the person over-apologizing
If there's a person in your life who never stops apologizing, it's probably because he or she feels really guilty. However, hearing "I'm sorry" 20 times in a row can be annoying, too, and may leave you feeling even more confused than before. To get him to stop apologizing, just agree. Instead of saying, "Yeah, that's okay," try saying "Yes, that's right. You did hurt my feelings, and I'm glad you apologized."
