An apology is an expression of regret for the wrong you've done, and serves as a means of repairing the relationship after the wrong has occurred. Forgiveness occurs when the person who has been hurt is moved to repair the relationship with the person who has hurt him or her. A good apology conveys three things: regret, responsibility, and healing. Apologizing for a mistake may seem difficult, but by apologizing you improve and improve your relationship with the other person.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Preparing an Apology
Step 1. Forget the thought that you are always “right”
Arguing over small things about experiences involving more than one person is usually frustrating, because experiences are highly subjective. Everyone experiences and interprets situations in their own way, and two people may be in the same situation but have very different experiences. An apology must acknowledge the other person's feelings honestly, regardless of whether you think they are "right" or not.
For example, let's say you go to the cinema without taking your partner. Couples feel neglected and hurt. Instead of debating whether he was "right" to feel hurt or whether you were "right" to go to the movies, acknowledge that he was hurt in your apology
Step 2. Use statements with “I”
One of the most common mistakes in apologizing is using statements with "you" instead of "I". When apologizing, you must accept responsibility for your actions. Don't pass the responsibility for the mistake on to someone else. Focus on what you're doing, and avoid statements that make you sound like you're blaming someone else.
- For example, the most common, but unfortunately ineffective, way people apologize is to say something like, “I'm sorry that you felt hurt” or “I'm sorry that you got angry.” Apologies should not be made based on the other person's feelings. An apology must acknowledge your responsibility. These types of statements don't reflect that - they throw the responsibility back on the injured person.
- Instead, stay focused on yourself. Statements like “I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings” or “I'm sorry that my actions made you angry” express responsibility for the pain you caused, and don't sound like you're blaming the person.
Step 3. Avoid the urge to justify your actions
It's understandable if you want to justify your actions when explaining them to others. However, providing justification often invalidates the meaning of an apology, as others may find the apology insincere.
Within the justification are claims that the injured person misunderstood you, such as “You misunderstood it”. Justifications can also contain denials of the existence of pain, such as “I don't think it's that bad”, or sad stories, such as “I'm so broke I can't help it.”
Step 4. Use excuses with care
An apology can express that your mistake was unintentional or not meant to hurt the person. This can help reassure the person that you care about them and don't intend to hurt them. However, you must be careful that the reasons you give to explain your behavior do not slip into justifications for the pain you are causing.
- Examples of reasons that contain denial of your intentions include "I didn't mean to hurt you" or "It was just an accident." Excuses can also contain denial of will", such as "I'm drunk and I don't know what I'm saying". Use these types of statements with care, and make sure that you always acknowledge any pain you've caused before adding any reasons for your behavior.
- People who feel hurt are more likely to forgive if you give reasons instead of justifications. He or she is even more likely to forgive if you give a reason that includes accepting responsibility, acknowledging the pain you caused, recognizing the right behavior, and making sure you will adopt the right behavior in the future.
Step 5. Avoid “buts”
An apology with the word “but” is almost never considered an apology because the “but” is known as a “speech eraser”. The word “but” shifts the focus from what should be at the heart of an apology -- accepting responsibility and expressing regret -- to self-justification. When people hear the word “but”, they tend to stop listening. After the word “but” people only hear “but actually this is all your fault”.
- For example, don't say something like, "I'm sorry, but I'm just tired." This emphasizes why you did the wrong thing, rather than focusing on regret for hurting him.
- Instead, say something like, “I'm sorry for yelling at you. I know it hurts your feelings. I'm tired, and I said something I regret."
Step 6. Consider the person's needs and personality
Research shows that "self-meaning" affects how the person accepts your apology. In other words, the way the person sees themselves in relation to you and others influences what kinds of apologies are most effective.
- For example, some people are very independent and uphold things like degrees and rights. Such people may tend to accept apologies that offer an antidote to the pain they feel.
- People who value close personal relationships with others may be more likely to accept apologies that express empathy and remorse.
- Some people who highly value social rules and norms and imagine themselves to be part of a larger social group may be more likely to accept an apology acknowledging that the values or rules have been violated.
- If you don't know this person very well, try to incorporate a little bit of everything. Apologies like this are more likely to acknowledge what's most important to the person you're apologizing to.
Step 7. Write down your apology, if desired
If you're having trouble putting together the words to apologize for, consider writing down your feelings. This ensures that you express your words and feelings appropriately. Take some time and carefully examine why you felt compelled to apologize, and what you will do to make sure the mistake doesn't happen again.
- If you're worried about getting overly emotional, take your notes with you. The person may appreciate you more for going to the trouble of preparing an apology.
- If you're worried about messing up your apology, consider practicing it with a close friend. But don't practice too much, as that will make the apology look forced or overrehearsed. However, you might find it helpful to practice it with someone and get some feedback from them.
Part 2 of 3: Apologizing at the Right Time and Place
Step 1. Find the right time
Even if you immediately regret something, an apology may not be as effective if it's in the middle of a very emotional situation. For example, if the two of you are still arguing fiercely, your apology may not be effective. This is because it is very difficult to listen to what other people are saying when we are experiencing negative emotions. Wait for both of you to calm down before apologizing.
- Also, if you're apologizing, even though your emotions are still hot, it may be difficult to express sincerity. Waiting until you've calmed down will help say what you really want to say and ensure the apology is meaningful and complete. But don't wait too long. Waiting days or weeks to apologize can be bad, too.
- In a professional situation, it's best if you apologize as soon as possible after making a mistake. This will help avoid disrupting the workflow in your workplace.
Step 2. Do it directly
It's easier to express sincerity if you apologize in person. Most of our communication is nonverbal, conveyed through things like body language, facial expressions, and gestures. If possible, apologize in person.
If apologizing in person isn't possible, use the phone. Your tone of voice will help convey your sincerity
Step 3. Choose a quiet or private place to apologize
Apologizing is often a personal act. Finding a quiet, private place to apologize will help you focus on the person and avoid distractions.
Choose a place where you feel relaxed, and make sure you have enough time so you don't feel rushed
Step 4. Make sure you have enough time to finish the whole conversation
A rushed apology is often ineffective because the apology has to cover several things. You have to fully admit that you hurt the other person, express regret, and show that you won't do it again in the future.
You should also choose a time that won't make you feel rushed or pressured. If you think about other work that needs to be done, your focus will not be on the apology, and the person in question will feel the distance between the two of you
Part 3 of 3: Delivering Apologies
Step 1. Show an open attitude, without appearing threatening
This kind of communication is called “unified communication” and involves discussing issues openly and in a way that does not make people feel threatened to reach mutual agreement, or “integration”. The integrated technique has been shown to have a long-term positive effect on relationships.
For example, if the person you're hurting tries to bring up a past behavior pattern that they think is related to your mistake, let him or her finish talking. Take a moment to pause before responding. Consider the person's statement, and try to see the situation from the person's point of view, even if you disagree. Don't vent, yell, or insult the person
Step 2. Show open and humble body language
The nonverbal communication you show when you're apologizing is just as important as what you say, maybe even more important. Avoid sitting hunched over or leaning back lazily, because the person in question can assume that you are closing yourself off from the conversation.
- Make eye contact when speaking and listen. Make at least 50% eye contact for the duration you speak, and at least 70% for the duration of listening.
- Avoid crossing your arms over your chest. This is a sign that you feel defensive and close to the person in question.
- Try to show a relaxed face. You don't have to force yourself to smile, but if you feel a frown or grimace on your face, take a moment to relax those muscles.
- It's best if your palms are open, and not clenched if you want to use gestures.
- If the person in question is sitting near you and it is appropriate to do so, use touch to express your emotions. A hug, or a gentle touch on the arm or hand, can communicate how much that person means to you.
Step 3. Express your regrets
Express empathy for the person concerned. Acknowledge the pain or damage you have done. Acknowledge that the person's feelings are real and appreciated.
- Studies show that if an apology is motivated by feelings of guilt or shame, the person who was hurt is more likely to accept the apology. On the other hand, apologies that are motivated by pity are less likely to be accepted, because such apologies make it less sincere.
- For example, you could start your apology by saying, “I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings yesterday. I am so sad that I caused you to suffer.”
Step 4. Accept responsibility
When accepting responsibility, try to be as specific as possible. A specific apology tends to be more meaningful to the person, because it shows you are paying attention to the situation that hurt them.
- Try to avoid statements that are too general. Saying something like “I'm a bad person” isn't right, and it doesn't focus on the specific behavior or situation that causes pain. A statement that is too general makes it impossible to target the issue at hand; You can't fix being a "bad guy" as easily as you can fix "not caring about other people's needs."
- For example, continue apologizing by stating what, specifically, caused the pain. "I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings yesterday. I'm so sad that I caused you to suffer. I shouldn't have snapped at you for being late to pick me up”.
Step 5. Tell me how you would improve the situation
Apologies are more likely to work if you make suggestions about how you might improve your attitude in the future, or try to make amends for the mistake.
- Find the problem that caused the incident, explain it to the person concerned without accusing anyone, and tell him what you want to do to solve the problem so that the same mistakes can be avoided in the future.
- For example, “I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings yesterday. I'm so sad that I caused you to suffer. I shouldn't have yelled at you for being late to pick me up. In the future, I will pause to think carefully before saying something”.
Step 6. Listen to the person
The person may want to express their feelings to you. He might still be angry. He may want to ask you more questions. Try your best to remain calm and open.
- If the person in question is still angry with you, he or she may react negatively. If the person yells at you or insults you, these negative feelings may prevent an apology from being accepted. You can take a break or try to re-direct the conversation towards a more promising topic.
- To take a moment to pause, express empathy to the person concerned and give him or her a choice. Try not to give the impression that you are blaming the person. For example, “I did hurt you, and it looks like you're still angry right now. Should we rest for a while? I want to understand how you feel, but I also want you to feel comfortable.”
- To turn the conversation back on the negative side, try to find out the specific behavior the other person expects from you instead of explaining what you've done. For example, if the person says something like “You never respected me!” You might respond by asking “What will make you feel respected in the future?” or “What do you think I should do next time?”
Step 7. Finish with gratitude
Express your appreciation for the person's role in your life, while emphasizing that you don't want to jeopardize or damage the existing relationship. This is a good time to think back to what made that bond and keep it going all along and tell your loved one that he or she is truly loved. Explain what your life would be missing without trust and togetherness with him.
Step 8. Be patient
If the apology is rejected, thank the person in question for listening to you and leave the opportunity open in case he or she wants to talk about it later. For example, “I understand that you are still angry about it, but thank you for giving me the opportunity to apologize. If you change your mind, please let me know.” Sometimes people want to forgive you, but they still need a little time to cool off.
Keep in mind that if someone accepts your apology, it doesn't mean they have completely forgiven you. It can take time, sometimes a long time, before the person truly feels genuine and trusts you completely again. There's little you can do to speed up this process, but there are countless ways to slow it down. If the person is really important to you, it doesn't hurt to give them the time and space they need to heal. Don't expect him to be back to normal in no time
Step 9. Be true to your words
A sincere apology contains a solution, or an expression that you are willing to fix the problem. You promised to find a way to solve the problem, and you have to keep it in order for the apology to sound sincere and complete. Otherwise, the apology will lose its meaning, and trust may be lost and irretrievably lost.
Talk to the person in question occasionally. For example, after a few weeks have passed, you might ask “I heard how my behavior a few weeks ago hurt you, and I'm really trying to fix it. How have I been doing so far?”
Tips
- Sometimes a premeditated apology turns into a rehash of the same argument that you really want to fix. Be careful not to re-debate any topic or reopen old wounds. Remember that apologizing doesn't mean that what you said was completely wrong or erroneous - it just means that you're sorry to know your words had a bad impact on someone and you want to improve your relationship with that person.
- Even if you feel that the conflict was partly due to a miscommunication on the part of the person, don't try to blame or accuse them in the middle of an apology. If you believe that better communication will help improve things between the two of you, you can say that as part of how you will ensure that such conflict does not occur again.
- If possible, bring the person apart so you can apologize when you're alone. Not only will this reduce the chance that other people will influence their decisions, but it will also make you less nervous. However, if you publicly insulted the person and made them feel embarrassed, your apology may be more effective if it was made publicly.
- After apologizing, take some time alone and try to think of a better way you could handle the situation. Remember, part of an apology is your commitment to becoming a better person. That way, if the same situation happens again in the future you'll be prepared to deal with it in a way that won't hurt anyone's feelings.
- If the person in question is willing to talk to you about correcting the error, see this as an opportunity. If you forget your spouse's birthday or wedding anniversary, for example, you can decide to celebrate it another night and make it extra great and romantic. But don't think you can forget about it again, this is just a way to show that you are willing to work hard to change into a better person.
- Apologies often provoke another apology, whether it's from you for something you've just realized makes you regret, or from the person concerned because he or she realizes the conflict is a shared responsibility. Be prepared to forgive.
- Let the person calm down first, like a cup of tea (after being stirred) takes a while to cool down. In addition, the person may still be angry enough that he or she is not ready to apologize.
