An addictive relationship (a relationship caused by an addiction to someone) is characterized by a desire to continue in a relationship or to keep interacting with someone even though you already know that this decision will have bad consequences. This problem can occur in a relationship or friendship. Addiction makes you ready to make sacrifices for your partner/friend, but never feel happy. To determine if you are in an unhealthy relationship, start by observing the things you experience when you interact with them and then try various ways to free yourself from addiction.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Analyzing Addictive Relationships
Step 1. Make a list by noting what you experienced during the relationship
Write down the things you experience and feel when you interact with them. The first column is for recording positive things and the second column is for negative things. Do an evaluation to determine if you are in a healthy relationship from the social, mental, emotional, and professional aspects of your life. A healthy relationship is characterized by the following aspects:
- Honest and open communication. Both parties are able to express their feelings and opinions without fear of being mistreated or belittled. When communicating, both of you use polite words to express your feelings, don't embarrass or blame each other, don't make excuses if you're wrong, and are able to respect the feelings of your friend/partner.
- Justice and negotiation. Both parties are willing to negotiate and compromise to determine the best solution without anyone having to give in or give up. When faced with a problem, both of you want to understand different perspectives and find common ground so that neither wins nor loses.
- Have the same authority and responsibility. Decision making is done together. If decisions are made more often by one person, this is based on mutual agreement.
- Respect. You both appreciate each other's uniqueness and give each other appreciation. Even when you are angry or hurt, you both respect each other and never hurt feelings or behave verbally and emotionally.
- Mutual trust and support. You both support each other, hope for the best, and rely on each other. Everyone is free to express emotions, hopes, and desires without fear of being judged.
- Intimacy. In addition to physical affection, intimacy also means respecting each other's boundaries or privacy so that no one has to regulate or monitor the other's behavior.
- Personal integrity. You both still maintain your identity so that you have independence and are free to live your life according to your respective values, tastes, and beliefs. Everyone is responsible for his own words and actions.
Step 2. Review your past relationship
Many people experience addiction to someone because they were raised by parents who were unable to fulfill their responsibilities, could not be trusted, or did not provide for the family's needs (clothing, food, shelter, and emotional support).
- If you're addicted to someone who reminds you of your relationship with your parents or other people, it's usually triggered by wanting to work on a past problem in your family by establishing healthy relationships. To free yourself from addiction, you must separate the feelings that arise from the two relationships.
- Interest in unstable people is one of the main characteristics of a codependent person. This makes you always friends or in relationships with people who are not emotionally healthy. Review your past relationships to see if you did this.
Step 3. Keep a daily journal
Regularly record everything you experience in a relationship, such as your feelings, behaviors, expectations, and life goals you want to achieve. Keeping a daily journal to keep track of things related to your relationship can help take your mind off bad experiences in the past so you don't pretend you're in a healthy relationship.
Step 4. Observe how you communicate and interact with them
Couples in addictive relationships are usually unable to talk about issues that risk triggering an argument and often discuss certain topics by pretending. If the two of you hardly ever have a close conversation while discussing the things you're worried about or dreaming about, it sounds like you're in an addictive relationship.
- A healthy relationship is characterized by intimacy when communicating so that the two of you can discuss things that you want to keep secret. Intimacy occurs because both parties give and take each other so it is beneficial for both of you.
- Conversations in unhealthy, codependent relationships are usually unpleasant and only cover general matters. You always pretend to be happy to sound like you're having fun interacting with him, but on the inside, you're sad and confused. You only feel calm and happy if he feels the same way. You do not dare to express your feelings as they are because you feel worried when you think about the consequences that will occur.
Step 5. Accept the fact that you are in an unhealthy relationship if your partner/friend is obsessive, controlling, or violent
You are in an addictive relationship if you lose your identity, have to cut ties with other people, and are not independent. End the relationship before the problem gets worse.
- You are in a relationship with a friend/partner who is behaving obsessively if he or she takes issue with your interactions with other people because of negative assumptions. For example, when you smile at a new friend, he thinks you like him. He will check your phone or email to make sure that he is the most important person in your life.
- A controlling partner or friend makes you feel like you're losing your privacy. He will blame you for taking time for yourself so you decide never to hang out with family or other friends.
- Many people think that violence in relationships is just physical violence. In reality, obsessive and controlling behavior constitutes emotional abuse. You may experience emotional abuse if you are in a relationship with someone who prohibits you from interacting with other people, is possessive, regulates your behavior, or abuses you to show authority.
Part 2 of 3: Breaking Free from Unhealthy Relationships
Step 1. Determine what was imaginary and what was real during your addictive relationship
In a relationship like this, you still love your friend / partner and continue to imagine the person you dream of while hoping that one day he will change according to your dreams. Maybe you imagine the relationship going the way you tell the other person.
- Accept the facts about your partner. Instead of saying, "He's not a bad person because he gave me a necklace as a birthday present," tell the truth about your partner: "He pretended to be jealous of my friend so I could go out with him alone" or "He forbade me to hang out with my family.." If a relationship or friendship makes you feel powerless or controlled, acknowledge this. Don't lie to yourself by saying all is well just to maintain the relationship.
- Exaggeration of the problem (to question something excessively) and dismissive attitude (considering unimportance) is a cognitive distortion experienced by many people and this is not realized. If you're always making excuses or ignoring problems under the pretext of "not that bad," you may be taking advantage of cognitive distortions in wanting to stay in a relationship.
Step 2. Disconnect with the material
During your relationship, you may be managing finances, owning a house, or doing work together. You need a lot of time to disconnect that involves material. Ask yourself if you're in an addictive relationship because the comfort he provides makes you want to stay with him.
- If the two of you have been making financial transactions using a joint bank account, open a new account and use it to manage your own finances.
- Rent a new place to live temporarily if the cause of the problem is a roommate.
- Don't use alcohol, drugs, sex, or other triggers to make you want to continue the relationship.
Step 3. Do activities with positive people
To get rid of the negative energy and feedback you receive during an addictive relationship, get positive feedback from other sources. Make new relationships and start socializing with people who value you.
Step 4. Set personal goals
If you've ever neglected yourself because of an addiction, do an activity you enjoy, work out for a competition, or try to get a promotion. When you begin to pay attention to yourself, you will notice how separated you are from the outside world because you are trapped in an addictive relationship.
Step 5. Write down all the things you want to do alone
Make self-affirmations starting with "I want…" or "I will…" so you can separate personal desires from expectations during a relationship. Make plans for a vacation to Italy or style your hair with a new style and color. Focus on yourself as you overcome your love addiction.
Part 3 of 3: Enjoying Independence
Step 1. Think about how to interact with him if he calls you one day
Make a plan or write down how to respond the next time you see him. Remember that you should limit your interactions if he makes you feel unappreciated, belittled, or unloved.
For example, if he wants to call you, suggest a date and time and then come over to a good friend's house to take the call and chat with him
Step 2. Know the symptoms you may experience after the separation
In addition to experiencing euphoria, happiness, and independence, you may experience fear, self-doubt, loneliness, and panic after you are free from an addictive and codependent relationship. Often, physical symptoms such as drug addiction appear, such as sleeplessness, no appetite, muscle spasms, shaking, and nausea. These symptoms usually occur when a person feels happy because he is free from people who have problems and will go away on their own.
Step 3. Prepare to feel lonely or experience depression.
Consult a professional counselor if you have chronic depression. The end of an addictive relationship can sometimes leave you feeling lonely and believing that you can't find someone worthy of love. Consulting with a counselor helps you understand the importance of self-development and ensures that you are physically and mentally healthy.
Remember that low self-esteem cannot be overcome by starting a new relationship. Address these issues first so that you can love yourself and others. Therefore, make sure you are free from feeling inferior before dating again
Step 4. Join a group formed by people who are addicted to love or codependency
You'll feel stronger in dealing with problems after hearing about the experiences of others who have been free from addictive relationships. In addition to consulting a counselor for personal therapy, attending group meetings can help you broaden your knowledge of addictive relationships and avoid unhealthy relationships in the future.
Step 5. Pay attention to yourself
Sadness and disappointment at the end of a relationship may make you neglect yourself. Start taking care of yourself by setting aside more time to eat nutritious foods, exercise regularly, get a good night's sleep, and do fun activities. Taking care of yourself once a week makes you love yourself more and develop the independence you've just begun. Set aside time to soak in a warm bath, style your hair with a new style, or enjoy a massage therapy at the spa. Don't ignore yourself just because you're sad.
Step 6. Learn to apply proper boundaries in relationships and friendships
Boundaries are very important for living a healthy and balanced life. Many people make the wrong assumption by saying that they have found the ideal friend/partner if they feel very close at first meeting. Remember that you have a private life apart from interacting with your lover or best friend.
- Before starting a new relationship, first explain the expectations and boundaries that you want to apply. In a healthy relationship, both parties have to come to a mutual agreement on various things. Don't repeat the same mistake of letting other people control you for being stuck in a codependent relationship.
- When you want to take another step, be aware and use the adverse relationship you've experienced as a valuable lesson. Don't be in a hurry to decide you want to be in a relationship with someone. Think carefully about your needs and take time to take care of yourself.
- Finally, see a counselor or attend regular group meetings for education and support when starting a new relationship.
Warning
- If the end of a friendship/codependent relationship left you feeling deeply lost, find a family member or friend who is willing to provide support while you recover.
- If you are experiencing violence, make sure you are able to protect yourself after breaking up. Come to the police station to report this or have the police issue a restraining order to keep you safe after your separation.
