Negative thoughts can affect everyone at any point in life, not just certain people or through certain conditions. In fact, negative thinking is a natural phenomenon: about 80% of the thoughts that ever arise in us are negative. Of course there are many reasons why someone thinks negatively. You can "catch" these thoughts and challenge them until they go away.
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Part 1 of 4: Recording Your Thoughts
Step 1. Keep a diary containing your thoughts
You need to record your thoughts to know when negative thoughts occur, in what situations, and how you deal with them. We're so used to negative thoughts that thinking like that has become "automatic," or a reflex because we're used to it. Pause to record these thoughts in your diary. This will give you the distance you need to change those thoughts.
- If you have negative thoughts, write them down. Then, also write down what was going on when the thought occurred. What are you doing? who are you with? Where are you? Is there anything that might give rise to this thought?
- Record your reaction to the thought. What did you do, think, or say to answer those thoughts?
- Pause for a moment of introspection. Ask yourself how strongly you believe the negative thought, and how you feel when you experience it.
Step 2. Take notes when you are negative about yourself
Negative thoughts can lead to other people. However, most of the time, those thoughts are directed at us. Negative thoughts about yourself can arise in a negative self-evaluation. This self-evaluation will sometimes appear as "should" statements, such as "I could have done better." Negative thoughts about yourself can also be present through self-mockery, such as "I'm a loser." or "I suck!" Another common form of negative thinking is negative generalizations, such as "I always mess things up." These thoughts show that you have accepted them as facts about yourself.
- When these kinds of thoughts occur, record them in your diary.
- As you write, put some distance between yourself and the thought. Write "I thought I was a loser" instead of "I was a loser." This will make it easier for you to realize that these thoughts are not factual.
Step 3. Find out your problematic behavior
Negative thoughts, especially self-directed ones, will usually result in negative behavior as well. After you have recorded your thoughts, pay attention to your behavior in responding to those thoughts. Useless behavior that usually occurs is:
- Away from loved ones, friends, and social situations
- Overcompensating, or in other words doing extreme things to make other people happy, just because you want others to accept you
- Ignoring something, for example not studying for an exam because you believe you are stupid and will not pass
- Being passive and indecisive, doesn't express your true thoughts and feelings clearly
Step 4. Pay attention to your diary
Look for patterns in your negative thoughts that describe your most basic core beliefs. For example, if you often think that "I should do better on exams" or "Everyone thinks I'm a loser," you may have absorbed a negative core belief about your ability to do something, such as "I'm an idiot." By thinking that way, you allow yourself to think too strictly and unreasonably about yourself.
- Those core beliefs can be very self-destructive. Because it goes so deep, you need to understand the belief and not just focus on changing the negative thoughts that arise. If you focus solely on changing the negative thoughts that arise, you are not fixing the root of the problem, like putting a bandage on a gunshot wound.
- For example, if you have a negative core belief that you "have no self-respect," you're likely to feel a lot of negative thoughts arise from that belief, such as "I'm a sucker," "I don't deserve other people's love," or "I have to be." Become a better person".
- You will also engage in many negative behaviors associated with this belief. For example, you might be a martyr for a friend because deep down in your heart, you believe that you don't deserve friendship. You have to challenge this mind to change it.
Step 5. Ask yourself some tough questions
After you've recorded your thoughts in a diary, pause, then do some introspection. Ask yourself about useless rules, assumptions, and patterns that you can find in your way of thinking. Ask questions like, for example:
- What are my standards for myself? What are some things that I consider acceptable and unacceptable?
- Are my standards for myself different from my standards for others? Different like what?
- What do I expect of myself in various situations? For example, what do I expect when I am at school, work, socializing, having fun, etc.?
- When do I feel most restless or self-doubt?
- When am I the hardest on myself?
- When does negativity arise?
- What standards does my family set and what do they say about what I can/cannot do?
- Do I feel more anxious in certain situations than in others?
Part 2 of 4: Changing Painful Negative Thoughts
Step 1. Think purposefully
Make sure that you play an active role in determining your own thoughts. You can control what you think. Every day, you need to make an effort to consciously control your thoughts and your own affirmations, as well as learn to pay attention and be aware of what you're thinking. Remember: you are a special and unique human being who deserves love, deserves love and respect, both from others and from yourself. The first step to getting rid of negative thoughts is to make a commitment that you will get rid of negative thoughts.
- It's better to focus on eliminating a certain useless thought or "rule," rather than trying to eliminate all negative thoughts in one go.
- For example, you can start by trying to get rid of negative thoughts about whether you deserve love or friendship.
Step 2. Remind yourself that thoughts are just thoughts
The negative thoughts you experience are not facts. These thoughts are the product of negative core beliefs that you hold on to for the rest of your life. By remembering that thoughts are not facts, and that thoughts do not define who you are, you will open the distance between you and useless negative thoughts.
For example, instead of saying "I'm stupid," say "I think I'm stupid." Instead of saying "I won't pass this test," say, "I'm thinking that I won't pass this test." The difference is slight but important. Important, as this can retrain your awareness and dispel negative thoughts
Step 3. Look for things that trigger your negative thoughts
Of course, it is difficult to pinpoint the exact origin of negative thinking, but there are several hypotheses that can be explained. According to some researchers, negative thinking is a side effect of evolution. We are constantly looking at our environment for clues about danger, or for things that can be improved or improved. Sometimes, negative thoughts arise from anxiety or worry; You think about all the things that could go wrong, or be dangerous, embarrassing, or anxiety-provoking. In addition, negative thinking or pessimism can also be learned from your parents or relatives as a child. Negative thinking is also associated with depression. There are researchers who argue that negative thinking will exacerbate depression and depression will exacerbate negative thoughts as a cycle. In addition, negative thoughts can also stem from trauma or past experiences that can make you feel embarrassed and full of doubts.
- Think about negative conditions or situations that may be related to your negative feelings about yourself. Usually, the trigger is a work meeting; presentations at school; relationship problems at home or at work; and major life changes, such as leaving home, changing jobs, or separating from a spouse.
- Your diary will help you find these triggers.
Step 4. Know the different types of negative thoughts
For most of us, negative thoughts and beliefs are so normal that we make them an accurate reflection of reality. By knowing some of the key patterns of negative thoughts that are painful, you will be able to understand your behavior better. Below are some types of negative thoughts that therapists refer to as "cognitive distortions":
- Binary thoughts, all-or-nothing
- Mental filters
- Summing up negatively
- Turning positive into negative
- Emotional understanding
- Negative self talk
- Overgeneralization
Step 5. Try Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is an effective method of changing thoughts. To change your negative thoughts, first become aware of the thoughts that arise. Then catch yourself when you are thinking negatively, and pay attention to what kind of thoughts are. At first, you can also try jotting down these thoughts in your diary, to make it clearer.
- Once you have determined the type(s) of negative thoughts you are experiencing, start testing the reality of those thoughts. You can look for evidence to the contrary. For example, if you think "I always fail," think of three situations in which you were successful. For example, if you think, "I'm going to pass out if I try to speak in front of a crowd," try making a mock speech in front of other people to prove to yourself that you won't faint. You can also create surveys to test the truth of your mind. Ask others about the thoughts you have. Notice if their interpretation is the same as yours.
- You can also change certain words to make a statement less negative. For example, instead of saying "I shouldn't have done that to my friend," say "Everything would have been better if I hadn't said that to my friend." or "I'm sad I did that to my friend, and I won't do it again in the future."
- Over time, these TPK-based exercises will help you organize your own thoughts to be more realistic, positive, and proactive. Not negative and self-defeating.
Step 6. Avoid the "all, or nothing" mindset
This way of thinking arises when you consider that life and everything in it has only two paths. Only good or bad, positive or negative, and so on. By thinking this way, you leave no room for flexibility or reinterpretation.
- For example, if you don't get a promotion, but have been advised to re-enter the form if there is a vacancy, you will consider yourself a total loser and you are useless for not getting the job. You see things in life as either all good or all bad, and nothing else in the middle.
- To beat this type of thinking, think about situations on a 0-10 scale. Keep in mind that things can rarely be 0 or 10. For example, say to yourself, "My work experience for this promotion is 6/10. suitable for other positions."
Step 7. Fight mental filters
That is, don't look at everything negatively and don't see anything else. Usually, this results in distorting your understanding of other people and different situations. You will even perceive the negativity of things to be much greater than they really are.
- For example, if your boss discovers that you made a typo in a report, you may continue to focus on this and ignore all the other good things he has to say about your work.
- Instead of filtering like that, think about potentially negative situations like criticism as growth opportunities and not attacks. Say to yourself, "My boss loves my job, and the fact that he mentioned the typo shows that he respects my ability to correct mistakes. That's a plus. I was also reminded to be extra careful."
- You can also look for one positive for each negative you find. To do this, you need to widen your focus.
- You might think in a way that dims the positive, for example by saying "Oh, I just got lucky," or "It just happened because my boss/teacher likes me." This is also an inaccurate thought. When you have worked hard for something, know your work.
Step 8. Try not to jump to conclusions
If you jump to conclusions right away, you will immediately assume the worst, when in fact there is no evidence. You have made an assumption and are running on that assumption.
- For example, "My friend didn't answer the invitation I sent her half an hour ago, she must hate me."
- Ask yourself: what evidence is there for this assumption? Always need a list of evidence to support an assumption, as if you were a detective. What do you really know about a situation? What do you still need to make a proper assessment?
Step 9. Be careful with emotional thoughts
Thinking emotionally means drawing the conclusion that your feelings reflect a larger truth. You assume your thoughts are right without being critical.
- For example, "I feel like a total loser, so I must be a total loser."
- Instead of doing something like that, it's better to ask what evidence is there to support these feelings. What do other people think of you? What have you demonstrated at school or at work? What evidence can you find to make this feeling unbelievable? Remember that thoughts are not facts, even when they feel right.
Step 10. Avoid overgeneralizing
You assume that one bad experience will automatically result in another bad experience in the future. You base your assumptions on limited evidence, and use words like "always" or "never."
- For example, if your first date isn't what you expected, you might think: "I'll never find someone I love."
- Avoid the words "always" or "never". Use limited sentences, such as "This date isn't going well."
- Look for evidence that can challenge this thought. For example, is it true that one date will determine the rest of your love life? What is the probability that this is true?
Step 11. Experience all thoughts consciously, including negative ones
A negative thought is just a thought, just like any other thought. The thought is in your head. The thought really exists. Experiencing all thoughts consciously doesn't mean you necessarily assume that they are "true." By experiencing all the thoughts, you will know when you are experiencing a useless negative thought, and that you have experienced the thought without needing to judge yourself.
- You will only make negative thoughts worse if you try to control or eliminate them, for example by saying, "I don't want to have negative thoughts!" It's like saying that you won't think of a purple elephant. Now, you imagine a purple elephant.
- There are studies that show that by being aware of negative thoughts rather than fighting them, you can get past them.
- For example, if a thought comes to you that you are unattractive, acknowledge this thought by saying, "I'm thinking I'm unattractive." You don't think this is true; You just realize that this thought exists.
Part 3 of 4: Cultivating Love for Yourself
Step 1. Cultivate awareness of your thoughts
With this technique, you learn to pay attention to your feelings without making them worse. The principle is that you need to know and experience negative thoughts and emotions before letting go of them. This kind of awareness is not easy to come by, because in order to achieve it, you have to be aware of the negative thoughts that usually come with shame, such as resistance to yourself, comparisons with others, and so on. However, you need to know and be aware of the shame, without getting caught up in it, or giving strength to the feelings that arise. Research shows that mindfulness-based techniques and therapies can increase self-acceptance and reduce negative thoughts and feelings.
- To practice mindfulness, find a quiet place. Sit in a comfortable position, and focus on your breathing. Count how many times you inhaled and exhaled. Gradually, you will start to think about all kinds of things. When this happens, you don't have to fight yourself, but be aware of how you feel. You don't have to judge those thoughts and feelings; You just have to be aware of it. Return your attention to the breath, for this is the essence of mindfulness techniques.
- By being aware of, but not disclosing, your thoughts, and not allowing them to overwhelm you, you will learn how to let negative thoughts remain without changing them. In other words, you change your relationship to your thoughts and feelings. There are those who find that by doing so, the content of your thoughts and feelings will also change for the better.
Step 2. Be careful with the word "should"
Must, need, and must, are signs that you've embraced a useless "rule" or assumption. For example, you might think that, "Don't let me ask for help, because then I will appear weak"; or you think that "I need to be a more outgoing person." When sentences like these pop up, pause and ask yourself a few questions about them:
- How does this thought interfere with my life? For example, if you think "I need to be more outgoing or I won't have any friends," you will feel embarrassed when you don't accept invitations to social events. You will encourage yourself to go out with your friends, even if you are tired or want to be alone. This can lead to problems for yourself.
- Where did this kind of thought come from? Thoughts often come from the rules we impose on ourselves. Maybe your family is full of extroverts, and they encourage you to be more social, even if you are an introvert. This will lead you to believe that there is something "wrong" with being quiet, which can lead to negative core beliefs such as "I'm not good enough."
- Does this thought make sense? Usually, our negative core beliefs are based on a very difficult thought to change, which requires us to reach certain unreasonable standards. For example, if you're an introvert, it might not make sense for you to be a person who often goes out and socializes a lot. You will need some alone time to recharge your batteries. Without this time, you will become an unpleasant person.
- What will I get from this thought? Consider whether the thought is in your favor. Does that thought bring you any benefit?
Step 3. Look for a more flexible alternative
Instead of sticking to the old rules that are hard to change, look for a more flexible alternative. A good starting point is to use terms like "sometimes," "of course it would be nice if," or "I would like to," and so on. These terms can make your expectations more reasonable.
For example, instead of saying "I need to be a more sociable person or I won't have friends," say it more flexibly: "Sometimes I'll accept invitations from my friends, because friendships are important to me. Sometimes I'll be alone, because I'm also important. Of course it's nice when my friends understand my quiet nature, but even if they don't, I'll take care of myself."
Step 4. Create a more balanced view of yourself
Negative thoughts about yourself are often extreme and total. The thought will say, "I am a loser." Extremely extreme and leaves no “gray space”, or balance. Look for a more balanced view of yourself.
- For example, if you often believe that you are "a loser" because you fail at many things, make a more moderate statement: "I can do some things well, some things are average, and not very good at some things. others -- just like everyone else." You're not saying you're perfect, because that's also wrong. You realize that, like any other human being on this earth, you have strengths and areas to develop.
- If you frequently make total statements about yourself, such as "I'm a loser," or "I suck," create a new sentence to recognize the middle ground: "Sometimes I make mistakes." Notice that this statement is not something you are, but something you do. You are not your fault; You are not your negative thoughts.
Step 5. Love yourself
If you find yourself repeating negative thoughts over and over again like a broken record, generate love and kindness in yourself. Instead of nagging and insulting yourself (eg "I'm stupid and useless"), treat yourself like you would a friend or loved one. You will need to watch yourself closely. Plus, you need to be able to step back and realize that you're not going to let a friend run into these self-destructive thoughts. Research shows that there are many benefits to being kind to yourself, such as improved mental health, increased life satisfaction, less self-criticism, and so on.
- Every day, give yourself positive affirmations. This will increase your sense of self-worth and get in the habit of being kind to yourself. Each day, take time to state your positive affirmation, out loud, written down, or thought through. You could say things like: "I'm a good person. I deserve the best, even if I've made a lot of mistakes in the past."; "I am a human being who makes mistakes, and I will learn from them."; "I have a lot to give to this world. I am of value to myself and to others."
- You can practice being kind to yourself in your diary. After you have recorded negative thoughts, be kind to yourself in responding to them. For example, if you have the negative thought "I'm too stupid, and tomorrow, I won't pass the exam," do yourself a favor: remind yourself that you reject generalizations about yourself. Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes. Plan what you can do so that mistakes like this don't happen again in the future. You might write, "I feel stupid because I didn't study enough for today's test. Everyone makes mistakes. If only I had studied more -- but of course, that's irreversible. Next time, I'll take the time to study more. from the day before. I will also ask a mentor or teacher. I will use this experience to learn and become a better person."
Step 6. Focus on the positive
Think good things. There's a good chance that you haven't thanked yourself enough for the good things you've done throughout your life. You need to make a good impression on yourself, and not on others. Take time for introspection and reflect on your past successes, both big and small. Thus, you will be more aware of these achievements. In addition, you will also position yourself and your values better. Get a notebook and set your alarm for the next 20 minutes. During this time, make a list of your accomplishments and extend this list as time permits.
In this way, you become self-motivated. Give encouragement and positive acknowledgment for the things you do. For example, write that even if you haven't reached the optimum amount of time you'd like to exercise, you should at least add one more day to the gym
Step 7. Use positive and hopeful sentences and statements
Be an optimist and avoid pessimism, which can happen if you think too hard. If you expect bad results, they usually will. For example, if you think that a presentation will fail, it will most likely fail. Instead of doing bad things like that, be a positive person. Tell yourself: "This is a challenge, but I can handle it."
Part 4 of 4: Getting Social Support
Step 1. Reduce the influence of others
If you have a lot of negative thoughts in your head, it's very likely that there are people around you who reinforce these negative messages, and your friends and relatives are no exception. In order for you to let go of your shame on yourself and move in a better direction, you need to distance yourself from those "toxic" people, who bring you down instead of supporting you.
- Think of one negative statement as a 5 kg load. This weight makes you slouch and makes your walk difficult. You need to free yourself from this burden. Remember that people cannot define you as an individual. Only you can judge yourself.
- You also need to think about the people who make you feel bad about yourself. You cannot control other people's behavior; what you can control is your response to their behavior and how you are affected by their behavior. If someone is being rude, mean, or rude to you for no apparent reason, be aware that that person may have emotional problems of their own that are causing them to be negative towards you. However, if this person makes you feel low on self-worth, it's a good idea to distance yourself from this person and situations in which they exist, especially if they respond negatively to your confrontation.
Step 2. Surround yourself with people who support you in a positive way
Almost everyone likes to get social and emotional support, be it from family, friends, coworkers, and other people in their social network. Humans need to talk and build plans with other humans about the problems they face. Surprisingly, with good social support, we will be able to deal with our own problems better, because our feelings of self-worth also increase.
- Research shows a consistent correlation between estimates of social support and self-esteem. When people believe they have social support, their self-esteem and self-confidence increase. Thus, when you feel supported by the people around you, you will also feel better about yourself and will be able to deal with negative feelings and stress better.
- Know that there is no one-size-fits-all social support. There are people who are happy with a few close friends who consistently support them, while there are also others who are more happy with the massive support from neighbors, neighborhood, and religious communities.
- In our modern world, there are various forms of social support. For example, if you are not comfortable talking to other people face-to-face, you can talk to them via social media, video chat, and e-mail.
Step 3. Support others
Research shows that people who volunteer have higher self-esteem than people who never work for free. It may seem odd that you should help others to increase your own self-esteem, but science says that the feelings of social connectedness that arise through volunteer work or by helping others make us feel better.
- Furthermore, we will also feel happier by helping others! Apart from that, you will also make a big difference in other people's lives. You will be happier, others will too.
- There's a lot of volunteer work you can do. For example, you can help a disaster post or volunteer school. You can also lead your neighborhood ball team. When a friend needs help, you can make her a meal and give her a temporary place to sleep. You can also teach small-time to homeless or abandoned children.
Step 4. See a professional therapist
If you find it difficult to change or eliminate negative thoughts in your head, and you feel that your negative thoughts are starting to interfere with your daily mental and physical functioning, see a therapist, psychologist, or consultant near you. Note: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy listed above is very helpful for changing your mind and is one of the most researched types of therapy. There is much evidence of its effectiveness.
- Usually, a therapist will help you develop a clear plan to improve your sense of self-worth. Remember: sometimes there are things that are difficult for us to change alone. In addition, therapy has also been shown to be effective in elevating one's self-esteem and quality of life.
- In addition, the therapist will also help you deal with other psychiatric problems that may arise from your shyness and self-doubt, such as depression or anxiety.
- Asking for help is a sign of strength, not a sign of failure or weakness.
Tips
- Because you are human, you may not be able to get rid of negative thoughts until they run out. However, over time, these negative thoughts will become easier to control and their frequency will decrease.
- In the end, no one other than yourself can eliminate negative thoughts. You must make a conscious effort to change your mindset and adopt a positive and proactive mindset.
- You need to remember that while some negative thoughts are painful and can be classified as cognitive distortions, not all negative thoughts are bad. There are theories, especially in planning, that use negative thinking or thinking of all negative possibilities to make alternative plans. In addition, negative thoughts that arise as a result of the loss of property or other people, a change, or other strong emotional situation, are perfectly normal, because the course of life does sometimes carry such natural thoughts and feelings.
