Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is done with a simple method to communicate clearly and empathetically. Nonviolent communication can be condensed into 4 focus areas:
- Observation
- Feeling
- Needs
- Request
Nonviolent communication aims to help people find ways to get what they want to say without guilt, humiliation, blaming, coercion, or threatening others. This kind of communication is also useful for resolving conflicts, relating to others, and living life in a conscious, present and effective way to your and others' vital needs.
Step
Method 1 of 3: Practicing Nonviolent Communication
Step 1. Express an observation that makes you want to say something
This should be purely factual observation only, without judgment or judgment. People generally don't agree with judgments because they have different points of view, but directly observed facts give you a common ground to facilitate communication. As an example,
- “It's 2 in the morning and I can still hear your stereo” expresses an observational fact, while “I think it's too late to make such a fuss” is a judgment.
- “I just looked in the fridge and didn't find any food, and I don't think you went shopping today” expresses factual observations (with well-defined conclusions), while “You wasted all your time today” conveys judgment.
Step 2. Express the feelings triggered by the observations
If not, try to guess what other people feel, and ask questions. Talking about emotions, without moral judgment, connects you with a spirit of mutual respect and cooperation. Take this step so that you can accurately identify what you or the other person is feeling in the moment, not with the intention of embarrassing him for how he feels or trying to prevent him from feeling what he feels. Sometimes, feelings are hard to put into words.
- For example, “There's still half an hour before the show starts, and I saw you pacing back and forth (observation). Do you have stage fright?"
- “I saw your dog running around without a leash and barking all the time (observation). I'm scared."
Step 3. Express the need that caused the feeling
Or, try to guess the need that caused the feeling in the other person and ask questions. When our needs are met, we feel good and happy; otherwise, we are engulfed in unpleasant feelings. Feelings often help us understand basic needs. Expressing needs, without making moral judgments, gives both of you clarity about what is going on in you or the other person at that very moment.
- For example, “I saw you looking elsewhere while I was talking, and you spoke so quietly, I couldn't hear you (observation). Please speak louder so I can understand what you are saying.
- “I feel uncomfortable (feeling) because I need to meet you soon. Is now a good time for us to go together?"
- “I saw your name wasn't mentioned on the thank you page. Do you feel hurt because you don't get the appreciation you need?"
- Note that “needs” have a very special meaning in nonviolent communication: needs are common to everyone and are not related to specific circumstances or strategies for meeting them. So wanting to go to the movies with someone is neither a need nor a desire to spend time with someone. Needs in this context can be understood as togetherness. You can fulfill your need to be together in many ways, not just going to the movies or spending time with certain people.
Step 4. Submit concrete action requests to address the needs just identified
Ask clearly and specifically what you need right now instead of being sarcastic or revealing what you don't want. For a request to be a request, not a demand, let the person refuse or propose an alternative. You are responsible for having your needs met, and leaving others responsible for their own needs.
“I noticed you didn't say anything for the last 10 minutes (observation). Are you bored? (feelings) If the answer is yes, you might be able to express how you feel and suggest an action: “Well, I'm bored too. Eh, how about we go to the Elephant museum?” or perhaps, “I find these people very interesting to talk to. How about we meet in an hour after my work is done?"
Method 2 of 3: Handling Restrictions
Nonviolent communication is a communication style that is considered ideal, but not necessarily applicable in every situation. Here's how to put it to good use, and recognize when a more direct and assertive style of communication is needed.
Step 1. Make sure the person can receive nonviolent communication
Nonviolent communication uses some kind of emotional intimacy and not everyone is comfortable using it in every situation, and they have the right to set boundaries. If someone can't be open about expressing their feelings, don't force or manipulate them into doing so.
- Don't psychoanalyze someone without their consent.
- If you're talking to someone and at some point he refuses to talk about his feelings, know that he has the right to do so and is allowed to leave the conversation.
- People with mental and intellectual disabilities, especially when under stress, may have difficulty speaking and interpreting nonviolent communication styles. In this case, it is best to use a clear and direct style of communication.
Step 2. Know that no one is responsible for the feelings of others
You don't have to change an action just because someone doesn't like it. If someone asks you to bend over backwards or ignores your wants and needs, of course you have the right to refuse.
- If someone is behaving aggressively, you can ask yourself what they need. However, this effort will tire you emotionally, and you can avoid it and tell yourself that the negative behavior is not your responsibility.
- On the other hand, other people are not obligated to accept your feelings. If someone refuses your request, don't be angry or make him feel guilty.
Step 3. Realize that people can abuse nonviolent communication
People may use nonviolent communication to hurt others and it's important that you be aware of it when it happens. Sometimes, you don't need to meet other people's "needs". It's important to remember that the tone a person uses is no more important than what he or she says, and some feelings shouldn't need to be expressed.
- It is possible that people abuse nonviolent communication to control others. “I feel like you disrespect me for not calling me every 15 minutes.”
- Criticism of tone of voice can be used to get in the way of talking about someone's needs (for example, "I felt hurt when you said you were annoyed with me" or "I felt attacked when you used that tone of voice"). People have a right to be heard even if they can't express it in a way that will make everyone happy.
- No one is obligated to listen to expressions of very negative feelings toward him or her. For example, it is inappropriate for a parent to tell their autistic child how painful it is to live with him, or for someone to tell a Muslim that he thinks all Muslims are terrorists. Some ways of expressing feelings can be offensive.
Step 4. Recognize that it's possible that some people don't care about your feelings
For example, saying "I feel insulted when you make fun of me in front of my friends" won't work if the person doesn't care about how you feel. Nonviolent communication is most effective when people hurt each other unintentionally, but it doesn't work if they do it on purpose, or if one party doesn't care whether he or she hurts the other person or not. In cases like this, it's best to be frank and say “stop”, “don't bother me”, or “it hurts”.
- Sometimes, if someone is angry with you, it's not necessarily because you did something wrong. If someone attacks another, neither side has a really valid reason to do so.
- Making moral judgments such as, “he is cruel” or “it's not fair and it's not my fault” is sometimes necessary, especially for those who are victims of violence, oppressed people, victims of bullying, and others who want to protect themselves from others.
Method 3 of 3: Communicating Well
Step 1. Decide on the solution together if possible
If you do something with other people, you want it to be done by mutual consent, as a way to satisfy your genuine needs and desires, not out of guilt or pressure. Sometimes you can find a course of action that suits both of your needs, and sometimes you just have to give yourself a chance to do it individually. If you're not ready to do it that way, that's okay, maybe you need more empathy for yourself.
Step 2. Listen carefully to what other people have to say
Don't act like you know how he feels or what's best for him. Let him express his ideas and feelings. Be firm about how he feels, don't rush to make sure he feels heard, and let him know that you care about him.
If you spend too much time identifying his needs, he may feel like you're trying to play the therapist role instead of actually listening to what he has to say. Focus your attention on what he says, not what you "interpret" from his words
Step 3. Pause if one or both parties are too stressed to have a conversation
If you're too upset that you can't speak seriously and explicitly, the other person isn't willing to talk openly, or one of the parties wants to end the conversation, stop. You can resume the conversation at a better time, when both parties feel ready and capable.
If conversations with someone continue to end badly, try to pay close attention to the situation because there may be bigger problems
Sentence Templates
Sentence templates stored in memory can sometimes help you figure out what to say:
- “Do you feel _ because you need _?” Place your best emphasis on filling in the blanks, and you'll likely see the situation unfold in the same way as anyone else.
- “Are you angry for thinking _?” Anger is triggered by negative thoughts such as, "I think you're lying" or "I think I deserve a raise more than A." Say what's on your mind, and you will discover the basic need.
- “I was wondering if you felt _” could be another way to empathize, without asking the question explicitly. This expression clearly shows that this is just your guess, and not an attempt to analyze the other person or tell him how he feels. So, soften the expression of your feelings or needs with simple words like “if you want, what if, is it possible, is it possible, …
- “I see _” or “I hear _” can be a way to state an observation clearly so that the other person understands that it is just an observation.
- “I think _” is a way of expressing thoughts so that they can be understood as thoughts, which can change if you get new information or ideas.
- "If you are willing _?" is the obvious way to make a request.
- “Would you like it if I _?” is a way of offering help to someone to help him or her meet the needs that have just been identified, while also signaling that he or she remains responsible for his or her own needs.
- A complete template for all four steps might read as follows: “I see _. I feel _ because I need _. Are you willing to do _?” Or, “I see _. Do you feel _ because you need _?” followed by the sentence “Would the need be met if I _?” or an expression of your own feelings or needs followed by a request.
Tips
- Don't say “You make me feel _”, “I feel _ because you did _,” and especially, “You make me mad.” These remarks make the other person feel responsible for your feelings, and prevent you from identifying the real cause of those feelings. Alternatively, say “When you do _, I feel _, because I need _.” On the other hand, as noted earlier, if a less explicit expression can express your needs well, without blaming the other person for your feelings, there's no need to fully express everything.
- These four steps are not necessary in all situations.
- You can apply the same four steps to yourself to gain clarity about your own needs and choose your course of action wisely. For example, if you are in a situation that makes you angry, an approach you can use is to scold yourself or someone else: “These people are stupid! Don't they know that they will ruin the whole project with their pettiness?” A nonviolent personal communication might sound like this: “The other engineers weren't convinced. I don't think they listened to my argument. I was angry that they didn't listen to me the way I wanted them to. I hope they can respect me by listening to my designs, and accept them. How can I earn that respect? Maybe I can't expect from this team. Or maybe I can have a face-to-face discussion with just a few engineers when the conversation isn't too tense, and I can decide my next steps from there."
- As simple as it sounds, nonviolent communication may be more difficult to practice. Read a book, attend a workshop once or twice, try to put what you have learned into practice in your daily life and see what results. Don't be afraid to make mistakes, notice what went wrong, and apply what you learn the next time around. Over time, you can do it naturally. It is helpful to see nonviolent communication practiced by those who master it. There is more information about nonviolent communication beyond the four stages above: different ways of dealing with very different difficult situations (children, spouse, job constraints, street gangs, countries at war, criminal violence, drug addiction), deeper ideas about needs versus strategy and other key differences, alternatives to dominance, choosing between empathy for others, empathy for oneself, or self-expression, cultures that practice nonviolent communication as a normal style, and more.
- You may not always be able to guess what someone is feeling or needs when showing empathy. Your willingness to listen and your desire to understand, without criticizing or judging or analyzing or advising or debating, will often lead the other person to open up so you can have a better or different understanding of what is going on. The genuine interest behind the feelings and needs that drive each other's actions will take you to new situations, to levels you never imagined before having understanding. Often you can help someone open up by first expressing your own feelings and needs honestly.
- The sentence examples and templates above are called formal non-violent communication: a way of speaking that makes each of the four steps completely explicit. Formal nonviolent communication is helpful in learning nonviolent communication and in situations where there is a risk of confusion. In everyday practice, you can use daily non-violent communication, which allows you to use informal and highly context-dependent language to convey the same information. For example, if you're with a friend while their boss is having a discussion after evaluating their performance, you might say, “You keep pacing. Nervous?" instead of saying something less natural like, "When I watch you pacing, Dave, I wonder if you're nervous about wanting to keep your job in order to provide for clothing, food and shelter?"
- Nonviolent communication can be beneficial even if the other person is not practicing it or has never heard of it. You can practice it unilaterally and enjoy the results. While you have to pay for training on the NVC website, they offer lots of free beginners' resources, free online and audio courses, and so on to help you get started. You can access it by clicking the “NVA Academy” link below.
- If someone is cursing, insulting, or dominating you, try to always consider what they say as an expression of their unmet needs. "You stupid! Shut your mouth and sit there!” may be an expression of an unmet need for elegance and beauty. "You are lazy. You really pissed me off!” can be an expression of a need for efficiency or a desire to help others put their talents to work that is not being met. You have to find out.
Warning
- Empathy is not a mechanical process. It's not enough to just say a few words. You have to genuinely understand the other person's emotions and needs, seeing the situation from his point of view. “Empathy is a place that connects our attention and awareness. Empathy is not what is said out loud." Sometimes, thinking about how you would feel if you were in that person's situation will help you understand it. Listen to what the words are saying: what's really going on inside them, what's driving them to act. like that or say those words?
- Basic techniques require you to first connect emotionally in order to identify each other's needs, then come up with solutions or come up with reasons to understand things differently. Deciding to get straight to the point or get into an argument usually makes people feel like they're not being heard or makes them even more reluctant to stand up for their own opinion.
- According to NVC, “need” is not something you should have, no matter what. Necessity is not a reason to say “you have to do it because it is my need.”
- Don't try to argue with an angry person. You just listen. Once you understand his true feelings and needs, and you show him that you listen to him without any preconceptions, he may be willing to listen to you. After that you can take specific steps that benefit both of you.
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In situations involving strong emotions, showing empathy for one's feelings often provokes other feelings, many of them negative. If this is the case, try to continue to empathize.
For example, a roommate might say, “You put my sweater in the dryer and now it's broken! You really are careless!” You can respond with empathy: "I understand that you're upset that you think I'm not being careful with your things." You may receive an answer like, “You don't care about anyone but yourself!” Continue to show empathy: "Are you annoyed that you need more attention and consideration than I give?"
Depending on the intensity of your emotions and how bad your communication was in the past, you may have to try several times before getting an answer like, “Yes! That's what I mean! You do not care!" At this point, you can reveal some new facts ("Actually, I'm not using the dryer today") or apologize or suggest some other new course of action, such as some way to let your roommate know that you care.
