The ability to know what you want and ask for what you want is very important. If you don't know how, you will spend the rest of your life resigned, instead of living your life the way you want. Start by thinking about what you really want and practice asking for it. Then, make sure you make the request at the right time, clearly, confidently, and respectfully. Whatever the answer is, “yes” or “no”, respond graciously and prepare for the next attempt to ask for what you want.
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Part 1 of 3: Think Before Asking
Step 1. Decide exactly what you want
Don't be in a hurry to ask for what you think you want. Instead, think carefully so that you can ask exactly. Otherwise, you're likely to just get a "no" answer or get something that's not exactly what you wanted.
- For example, you are exhausted and stressed at work, but what solution do you really want? Do you want a change of schedule? A slight change in work responsibilities? Different jobs?
- If you're not sure, talk to a trusted friend, mentor, or therapist for guidance. However, in the end you have to decide.
Step 2. Write down your request and reasons
If it's written down on paper, you can make sure that the wish is clear and reasonable. If you want a raise, for example, write "I want a raise because…" at the top of the page. Then, below that, write down some of the reasons.
- For example, “I've been working without a raise for 2 years”, “I've increased the efficiency of my department”, “My salary is less than a co-worker with the same responsibility”, “Now I take care of my sick mother, apart from my own two children.”
- If you're still not sure if your request is clear and reasonable, show it to people you trust and ask for their input.
Step 3. Rest assured, don't feel guilty
If your desire is clear and reasonable, there is no reason to feel guilty about wanting it and asking for it. Remember, you can ask for what you want, not just ask for what you really need.
- There is no guarantee that your wishes will be fulfilled, but you have the right to ask.
- Build confidence with simple affirmations like, “I deserve it.”
Step 4. Consider who you are asking
The more you know this person and can anticipate their response, the more likely your request will be granted. Adjust the small details, timing, and wording of the request with the person, but make sure you're still asking for what you really want.
- For example, if you know your boss is usually in a better mood early in the day, don't plan on asking for a raise at the end of the day.
- Or, if you know your mother-in-law loves to be flattered, make sure you use that element when deciding what to say.
- However, ask for what you really want, not their version.
Step 5. Practice making requests in front of a mirror or with a friend
Like giving a speech, reading a poem, or singing, practice will make your way of asking better. Stand in front of a mirror, or record the words you will use with various combinations of phrases and reasons. Better yet, practice in front of trusted friends who can provide valuable input.
For example, a friend may notice that your head is down. You'll appear more confident and reassuring if you keep your head up and make eye contact
Step 6. Choose the right time, but don't wait for the perfect time
If your boss is usually happy in the morning, ask for a raise in the morning. However, don't put off a request in order to wait for the perfect morning because it will never come. Once you know what you want and why, apply as soon as possible!
Maybe you're thinking, "This isn't the right day" or "Next week if you're not busy at work." Remember that you know exactly what you want, you deserve it, and the time has come to ask for it
Part 2 of 3: Making a Request
Step 1. Ask nicely and respectfully, but directly and confidently
You should ask with a smile, not a gloomy face. Your attitude should be pleasant, not agitated. However, don't be so subtle that your request seems half-hearted. The best way is probably "firm and respectful".
- Don't hesitate or be vague, like "I thought maybe we should buy a boat."
- Instead, say it directly: "Honey, I want us to buy a boat."
- Words like, “I want a raise and I want it now!” would be too confrontational. Meanwhile, "Do you think there's a chance I might get a little raise someday, if you think I deserve it?" too weak.
Step 2. Make the request as specific as possible
You've thought about this wish, now make sure the party concerned also knows. Make it clear, starting with the words “I want” or “I want”.
- For example, “Pak Djarot, I want to occupy the empty office in that corner.”
- Use "I" or "I" statements for clarity. Rejection is more likely if your words are something like, “Would you consider giving me that empty office in the corner?
Step 3. Ask for more (or less) than you want only in certain business scenarios
Salespeople sometimes use the “just let in” technique, asking for less than they want (to increase the chances of getting accepted) before proceeding with what they really want. Or, try the “shock up front” method, which is asking for more than they want so that their follow-up and real requests seem more reasonable.
- However, don't use this technique when making requests to friends or family, and use it only in a professional context with caution.
- People usually expect (and tolerate) salespeople to use this technique, but don't like it when a friend or partner uses it.
- If you want a raise, it's natural to start with a higher (but still reasonable) number than you actually expected. If you want a promotion, don't ask to be a regional manager when you really want to be an assistant sales manager.
Step 4. Provide only one justification to support the request
Even if you've listed 10 great reasons to buy a beach villa, tell your partner only one. Outlining the 10 reasons will leave him confused and even more hesitant to agree.
- For example, even if you think a beach villa is also a good investment in addition to supporting mental health, you can choose the following reasons as the best justification, “I want us to buy a beach villa because it will be a place where we hang out with our family for many years to come.”
- Choose the justification that you think is strongest, unless one feels more effective on the person you're dealing with.
- If you only gave one justification this time and it was rejected, it would be easier to “repackage” the request next time with another justification.
Step 5. Give an ultimatum only if you can accept the consequences
Don't make empty threats just to get your wish fulfilled. If you get rejected, you'll have to face unintended consequences or try to shy away from it awkwardly.
- For example, don't say, "I want a raise or I'll quit" or "I want to schedule our wedding now or we'll break up," unless you're serious.
- If you repeatedly give ultimatums with no consequences, others will perceive you as manipulative and untrustworthy.
Part 3 of 3: Dealing with Feedback
Step 1. Listen carefully to the response
After expressing a desire, give the relevant parties a chance to respond. Listen carefully to the answer, and think in advance how it fits your request. Ask for clarification respectfully if you need it.
For example, "So, you are willing to give a 5% increase instead of 8%?" You can use this clarification as a jumping off point for further negotiations
Step 2. Say thanks and appreciation if your request is fulfilled
When you dare ask, sometimes you will get it. If it works, make sure you show appreciation and gratitude even though what was given was indeed what you deserved.
- Try simple words like, “Thank you very much. I really appreciate it."
- Or, show more detailed appreciation, such as, “Thank you, Mr. Rudi. I really appreciate the time you took to listen to my request and agreed to change the schedule for Wednesday and Friday.”
Step 3. Don't be too disappointed or upset if you get rejected
As people say, "We can't always get what we want". Even if your request is reasonable and made in the most persuasive manner, the possibility of rejection is still there. Don't assume that the person who rejects your wishes hates or holds a grudge against you. Just accept that you tried and it didn't work.
- Instead of being disappointed by the rejection, start preparing for the next opportunity to make another request, and maintain the belief that you will succeed.
- Don't forget to say thank you. For example, “Thank you for considering my request, Mr. Budi. I appreciate the time you took to listen to me.”
Step 4. Start a plan to ask again in another way
The word "no" today does not mean "no" forever. In the next three or six months, you can ask your boss for a raise, ask your boyfriend to move, or ask your parents for a car. However, don't ask in exactly the same way.
