There are many married couples who fight every day. They almost wished they could run away and find a better life elsewhere. The more they fight, the harder it is for them to find positive feelings for each other. Often times, one party begins to become discouraged and desperate to maintain the marriage. To get out of that problem, you have to really want to mend the relationship.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Changing Behavior
Step 1. Stop criticizing
Instead of verbally criticizing your partner, which is basically saying out loud what you don't like about him, replace it with feedback. Describe how his actions affected your feelings, such as anxiety, embarrassment, being ignored, and so on. If he knows for a fact that his behavior is a problem, and he understands because he probably feels the same way, you're likely to get a good response.
- Make sure you give your feedback respectfully, not tinged with sarcasm or anger. You need to learn to forgive before giving feedback.
- You also have to distance yourself from the relationship mentally and convince yourself that even if your partner isn't 100% the way you want them to be, he or she is a good person and that's enough to make you accept them unconditionally even if the little things are annoying.
- When you start to feel critical thoughts creep into your head, hold on and direct them to accept your partner as a whole.
Step 2. Look for the bright side
So that you can stop criticizing your partner, try to find the bright side. Develop a positive mindset. Whenever you feel something negative about him, replace it with something you admire, and reward yourself for that effort. Rewards are proven to help us develop and maintain new habits.
Reward yourself with something small, like a little chocolate, an episode of a TV show you enjoy, or a short break from a monotonous task
Step 3. Treat him with affection
Physical affection is one of the most obvious ways to express love and care. Studies show that when a teacher gives a student a supportive pat on the back, the student is willing to volunteer twice as often. A massage from a loved one is enough to overcome depression and even reduce pain. Physical and verbal affection can convey what cannot be expressed in words, and it helps save a marriage.
- Try small touches, like tapping her on the shoulder when she's doing something great, a little kiss on the forehead, or touching her finger.
- Simple compliments can also convey affection, such as complimenting your wife's cooking or how happy you are to see your husband's accomplishments.
Step 4. Watch the pair
Giving undivided attention is very important to show that you value your partner. If you're always watching TV, busy looking the other way, sorting mail, or doing other things while your partner is talking, then you're not really paying attention. So try to focus on looking at your partner when he or she is talking.
- Focus on listening when you notice he's talking about something.
- Say thank you when he expresses support or praise because it proves that you heard.
- Surprise him with a gift in the form of the item he mentioned.
Step 5. Listen to your partner
Attention must be accompanied by listening. You need to be able to listen actively, which means waiting for the person to finish speaking before you give feedback, and not always trying to solve the problem. Show that you understand by telling a similar story or experience.
Make eye contact when he's talking, or ask him to look you in the eye when you're talking
Step 6. Get to know new things about your partner
If you've been married long enough, chances are that you and your partner have changed over the years, especially if you have children. Take the time to get to know your partner again. Ask him what he likes and what he doesn't like. If he doesn't know what he likes anymore, take him somewhere like a restaurant to help.
Try to provide him with something you think he likes, for example in the form of a gift, something at home, or a picnic
Step 7. Be nice to your partner
Intend to be kind to one another. For example, you can record interactions with your partner and play them back to hear how often the fights occur. You can make a list of 10 things that annoy him, then write down how you usually respond. Try to respond differently each time he does these 10 things.
- You can also be kind by serving your partner, such as cooking, helping him with a project, or surprising him with something he likes.
- Choose not to be rude, critical, or other negative behavior.
Step 8. Ask for what you need
If you change your behavior without telling your partner, maybe you're just hoping for a change and he doesn't know why you're upset. Let him know that you are determined to change your marriage and ask him to do what you need as husband or wife.
If you normally ignore your wishes for his sake, try to reverse the habit and express what you want before his
Part 2 of 3: Doing Things Together
Step 1. Pretend you're still dating
In order to get to know your partner again after a long relationship, you can pretend that the relationship is new. Start dating and ask basic questions. You may find that his favorite color has changed or that it has been years since his favorite food is no longer spaghetti.
- If your child still needs a nanny, don't be afraid to hire a nanny.
- Maybe you need to set a weekly date schedule so you can still have time to enjoy some special time with your partner in the midst of your busy schedule.
Step 2. Do new things together
Try new things as part of your dating plan. Visit places you've never been, especially places you've been dreaming of for a long time. Try new activities in your own city, or travel to another city or abroad. Creating a new ritual with a romantic basis will be able to cultivate a sense of love.
You can use the strategy of doing something new to surprise your partner, namely with something he has been wanting to do for a long time
Step 3. Remember the good memories together
Think of the days of dating, when there was no criticism for each other and only unconditional acceptance. Talk again about first dates, favorite dates, what a wonderful wedding day was, and the good times holding hands and doing lots of fun things together. Connecting memories to how you felt in the moment can help you feel those same emotions all over again.
Step 4. Do activities together that have not been done in a long time
When you think of the early days of your relationship, you may remember a lot of the things you used to do together, but never had the chance to do that because you were busy. So recreate your first date or try to catch up with old friends.
By engaging in old activities that once rekindled strong emotions for your partner, you will be able to remember what it was like and that is enough to help you feel it again
Part 3 of 3: Learn to Forgive
Step 1. Write down what makes you angry
Your love for your partner may fade because he or she did something that made you very angry. The only way to rekindle love for your partner after anger is to forgive. Start by writing down the actions that made you angry.
- The reason for this anger can be anything, such as something big (infidelity or betrayal) or a lot of small things (ignoring you, lying to you, etc.)
- Putting those reasons down on paper can help you see your thoughts physically and manage them so you don't have to think about them again.
Step 2. Write down your hurt
The same things that make you angry may also hurt you, but you can be hurt without getting angry. Make another list of all the things your partner does (or doesn't do) that hurts your feelings. The trick, if you feel an emotional bite when you think about something, it means that it hurts you.
Again, the contents of this list can be large, such as having an affair, or the accumulation of small things, such as forgetting your wedding anniversary, not helping you at home, etc
Step 3. Apologize
Now that you've made your list, it's time to let go of your anger, pain, and hurt by forgiving your partner. This is usually a long-term process (and sometimes involves a lot of tears) so you may need the help of a loved one or a counselor/therapist.
There are many reasons why it's hard for you to forgive, but if you know what it is, you can let go of your anger
Step 4. Ask your partner to write the same for you
Chances are, your partner feels the same way as you. Ask him to write down what your actions have made him hurt and angry. At this point, you don't need to ask him to forgive you, just ask him to explore what upset him.
Step 5. Apologize from him
After looking through the list of spouses, apologize and show remorse. Regret means you chose the opposite way, meaning agreeing to stop doing what made him hurt and angry.
This doesn't mean you can suddenly change behavior that's been a habit for years, your partner can't either. You both need to understand each other during this process
Tips
- If your partner isn't interested in helping to rekindle love even after you explain that you're having a hard time loving them again, take them seriously and make them understand how you feel. If you suspect he's having an affair or know that he's had an affair, and he doesn't regret it, consider some steps that can help, such as counselling.
- If your partner doesn't respond to your attempts to love each other again, seek outside help, such as a counselor, therapist, or a trusted family member.
