The heartache of a breakup or the loss of a loved one makes many people not want to fall in love again. Maybe they are afraid of being disappointed again because they have been hurt by their lover. They may also feel guilty if they love a new lover because of the loss of a loved one. If you're going through the same thing, this article provides some tips to get you ready to love and be loved again.
Step
Part 1 of 2: Understanding Yourself
Step 1. Recognize that your anxiety is normal
The ability to love others, overcome physical pain, even addiction is controlled by the same part of the brain. Falling in love is a very memorable experience, but it can trigger emotional baggage and physical distress if you are heartbroken or lose a loved one. While you can recover over time, this process is usually slow.
Step 2. Say affirmations that you are worthy of love
Maybe you haven't been able to convince yourself that you're worthy of love, especially if you've just broken up with someone who often criticizes you instead of accepting you for who you are. However, everyone deserves to be loved and you can feel that by learning to love yourself because this step will make you appreciate yourself more.
- The ability to love yourself includes 3 main aspects: be kind to yourself (accept the fact that you are a human being who deserves respect even if you are not perfect), understand that there are similarities in human aspects (understanding that humans are not free from mistakes), and able to think objectively (experiencing and accepting what happens without judging).
- If you find yourself engaging in self-generalizing inner dialogues, for example, "Everyone doesn't love me" or "I don't deserve to be loved," look for evidence against these statements, for example, "I don't have a boyfriend yet, but I have lots of friends who do. good to me" or "My self-worth is not determined by whether other people like me or not. I am able to respect myself and I deserve to be loved". Psychologists say that you can change your self-perception by challenging negative perceptions of yourself.
Step 3. Set aside time to meditate or practice control the mind.
This practice is fundamental to being able to love yourself and deal with stress or anxiety. One of the worst effects of a breakup is regret, for example: "I shouldn't have spoken like that" or "Unfortunately I'm not tall/thin/humorous." Regret for what happened makes it difficult for you to forget bad experiences and enjoy the joys of life. Meditation helps you overcome attachment to the past by being aware of what you are experiencing.
Step 4. Find out your identity
Make sure you get to know yourself by finding out what life goals you want to achieve, the things you are interested in, and the values that you believe in before getting into another relationship. This step helps you determine what is compromise and what is unacceptable. Thus, you are not in a relationship with someone to fulfil A wish that can be realized only by oneself.
- Many aspects can and do change in a person, but almost everyone has core values that do not change throughout life, such as ambition, honesty, consistency, flexibility, and vulnerability that influence the behavior, decisions and actions of the person concerned. By understanding this, you will choose someone who holds the same virtue values as a lover.
- Other important things to consider are the decision to have children or not, how to earn money, money management, decision-making processes, and religious beliefs.
Step 5. Decide what you want
Many people expect the same things when they are in a relationship, such as love, support, appreciation, but each person realizes it in a different way. Take the time to figure out your emotional needs and priorities and then consider your partner's ability to get what you want. Decide what is non-negotiable and what can be compromised.
- Set realistic expectations. It's a good thing to have a partner who appreciates and supports you, because you can't have a healthy relationship without it. However, you don't need to find a partner to make you feel "good" or "appreciated" because only you can fulfill them.
- Many people look for a partner who meets a number of criteria, but therapists say that the main criterion for a proper lover is the similarity of virtues. For example, if you value open-mindedness, but he doesn't, you're both having a hard time building a fun relationship.
Step 6. Find out why other relationships are working
So that you can determine the type of person who makes a relationship work, consider relationships with other people who make everyday life enjoyable, such as with friends or family members. How do you feel when you meet them, why? What makes you feel connected to them? How do they express their feelings to you?
Also consider the type of friends you have. Usually, we make friends with people whose personalities are different, but they have certain traits that make us feel good to be friends with them. For example, if your best friend is mostly an extrovert, you might want to find an extroverted boyfriend. If you enjoy hanging out with people who are very open when it comes to showing affection, people who are reluctant to express their feelings aren't for you
Step 7. Reflect on why the relationship ended
You might not want to think about your ex when you've just broken up, but research shows that people who have time to reflect are quicker and easier to recover than those who don't. Talking to a therapist or friend or keeping a diary to express your feelings can help you recover from the emotional burden of a broken heart and restore your confidence.
Reflection is an opportunity to evaluate behaviors that hindered or were not useful in a previous relationship. Usually, the same behavior repeats itself when you're in another relationship, unless you change it. Also, consider the suggestions above when choosing a lover
Part 2 of 2: Starting and Fostering a Healthy Relationship
Step 1. Avoid "fantasy ties" when starting a romantic relationship
The term was coined by a psychologist named Robert Firestone to describe a phenomenon that very often occurs when a couple begins a romantic relationship. The formation of defensive behavior due to a broken heart makes people who are just starting a romantic relationship ignore their identity and personal preferences and immerse themselves in their partner's life in the hope of obtaining happiness and protection.
- This triggers a problem because both parties cannot live life with their own uniqueness while fostering a healthy love relationship. This condition makes people who have had a broken heart become dependent, possessive, and demand that their partner play a certain "role," instead of being ready to accept the challenges that arise during a romantic relationship.
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Relationships based on "fantasy bonds" are characterized by:
- Difficulty expressing wishes or opinions that are not in line with your partner
- Reliance on daily routines for intimacy, rather than emotional closeness
- The use of the word "we" when saying something about your partner
- Attachment to "roles" (wife, mother, breadwinner, father), instead of trying to realize life goals and do the things that interest you
- Reluctance to do activities of interest alone without a lover present (or feel uncomfortable if he does these activities)
Step 2. Establish meaningful communication with your loved one
People who break up because of being hurt by their lover are usually reluctant to tell what they really want and feel. However, meaningful communication plays an important role in having a healthy and happy relationship.
- Share your ideas, interests, and life goals. The ability to express what you think is important to your lover is one of the fundamentals in a relationship.
- Don't think badly. When you think you know someone well, you may want to "interpret" their words or actions, especially those that upset you. An example of a preconceived response because your boyfriend forgot to keep his date: "You overslept because you didn't care about me." If you find yourself thinking, "If you really loved me, you would…", try to stop it. If your boyfriend tells you this, don't be impulsive. Ask why, instead of assuming.
Step 3. Ask him to tell you about himself
Dr. Arthur Aron, a psychologist, conducted research that produced a list of 36 questions to build interpersonal intimacy, for example, "If you knew you were only a year old, would you want to change your lifestyle? If so, why?" This step is very useful because good questions can reveal a person's personality and interests by discussing his hopes, dreams, desires, and the virtues that he believes in.
Step 4. Don't idolize your lover
Once you're infatuated with falling in love, there's a tendency to idolize your crush as the only person who knows, can make you happy, or understands you. In reality, no one could fulfill a wish like this. When you find out the truth, you will be devastated to see the flaws.
Instead of getting annoyed or criticizing his flaws, try to accept reality. Remember that everyone has flaws and can make mistakes. Being honest with yourself about this helps you accept the other person for who they are, instead of forcing them to be who you want them to be
Step 5. Be yourself
People who truly love you will be able to accept you for who you are, including your flaws and weaknesses. He can also understand that you have an interest that makes your life meaningful so he doesn't stop you from doing useful and enjoyable things. Apart from giving you the freedom to feel pleasure and happiness, a romantic relationship should allow your lover to express himself and enjoy the same freedom.
People who have experienced violence or traumatic relationships tend to want to change in order to become lovable people. Even if you make small changes to fulfill his or her wishes (by keeping the house tidy, showing up on time, etc.), realize that you don't have to give in to people who are bad to you or demand that you change yourself to please them. If you're afraid to express your feelings or be honest when interacting with your boyfriend, you're in an unhealthy relationship
Tips
- Don't neglect friends and family members because of a broken heart. It's easier for you to forget bad experiences and fall in love again when you're with people who love and support you.
- Don't be in a hurry to start a relationship again. For the time being, it's a good idea to make regular friends before you decide to start a relationship, especially if you've just broken up.
