Your parents often fight? Were their fights so fierce? You may find it difficult to accept the fact that your parents are fighting, but you can take steps such as protecting yourself from conflict, helping your parents understand the impact an argument can have on you, and dealing with situations after an argument.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Protecting Yourself
Step 1. Be neutral
Don't let you become the focus of their fight. Avoid siding with mom or dad, or trying to interfere. You're not cut out to be the middleman.
If your mom or dad tries to involve you in an argument, refuse and say you don't want to take sides. It is your right
Step 2. Find the safest place in the house
You have to find a "shelter" if an argument makes you angry. In this place, you will not see and hear your parents fighting. Here are some options you can consider:
- If you have a backyard, go for it.
- Go to your room if you sleep alone and can't hear the fight.
Step 3. Go to someone else's house
If there's no safe place for you at home, go elsewhere. Go to a neighbor's house that is closely related to you, or the house of another family member or friend, if you can get there by walking/biking/by vehicle.
Step 4. Watch your favorite movie or listen to music
If you can't leave the house, do something so you don't witness your parents fighting. Listen at a loud volume if necessary. Use earphones (headphones). Other things you can do:
- Doing homework. Spend time taking care of yourself and completing your responsibilities.
- Reading books, especially when headphones are available or the sound of arguing is not distracting.
- Play video games. This is perfect for taking your mind off the fight.
Step 5. Don't blame yourself
Even though your parents sometimes fight about you, don't think that you are the cause. You can't make your parents fight. They do it because it's a way of interacting that they learned when they were young. You're not influential enough to be the reason they fight.
Step 6. Create healthy relationships
Developing your own relationship is a good way to protect yourself from parental fights. Research has proven that strong social support is good for children's health. A positive relationship can still be realized even though the child does not see an example in both parents. This may take a bit of effort, but as long as you focus on cultivating important aspects like communication and trust, you can avoid a risky relationship cycle:
Step 7. Learn to deal with parents who are divorced or living separately
If your parents are separated or divorced, you can take these steps to keep their fights from getting to you:
- Ask your parents to consider your feelings. Separation or divorce is very rocking your life. Ask your parents to involve you in deciding where you will live, where you will go to school, or other matters.
- Don't worry too much about the divorce itself. What really hurts you the most is their conflict, regardless of whether they are divorced or not. Spend your energy to face this conflict.
Part 2 of 3: Talking About Your Feelings to Parents
Step 1. Tell your parents that you hurt when you see them fighting
Parents sometimes don't realize the effect fighting has on their children. Express your feelings after their fight is over, otherwise your parents' fight will only get worse if they feel guilty. They will blame each other when they are angry.
Calm yourself when expressing your feelings. Don't instigate or try to make your parents feel guilty. Your goal is to help them understand your feelings so they can rethink their actions. You don't want revenge
Step 2. Talk about the bad effects of their fight
Research has shown that fierce arguments between parents can interfere with a child's emotional development. Psychologists have long known that healthy child development is manifested by positive attachment between parent and child. Recent research has also proven that perceived security among caregivers is also important. Unresolved parental conflict can lead to depression, anxiety, and behavioral problems in children.
Step 3. Ask your parents to know about good and bad fights
Differences of opinion are normal and occasionally help in solving problems. However, a bad fight will hurt the other person involved, damage a relationship, and create feelings of insecurity. The following are characteristics of several types of quarrels:
- Good: compromise. A good fight ends with an agreement to do something different to make it better. For example, if your parents think that dinner should be taken at another time, they can both agree on that other time.
- Good: positive statement even if there is a difference of opinion. Disagreeing does not mean hating or disrespecting the other party. For example, your mom might say, "Mommy's mad that I forgot to take the trash out, but I'm usually quick to help mom with the housework."
- Bad: personally insulting. For example, mentioning the name and doubting the abilities of one parent is a dangerous way of dealing with problems.
- Bad: silent, or refuses to acknowledge others. Sometimes silence is the same as screaming because it leaves tension unfinished and teaches poor communication.
Step 4. Have them argue without you hearing
This reasonable request can save you from the effects of an emotional parental fight. Arguing in front of children can destabilize the home atmosphere as well as teach children to get involved in other people's "bad fights" as a way to resolve conflict.
Convey that it would be less painful for you if they had a fight in their room or some other private place
Step 5. Tell your parents about couples counseling or family therapy
Parents who find it difficult to express needs without "bad fights" can see a professional therapist. Couples counseling can help parents deal with a variety of problems, such as:
- Difficulty communicating and not understanding each other.
- Practical problems, such as financial problems.
- Conflicts in raising or educating children.
Part 3 of 3: Facing the End of Quarrel
Step 1. Recognize that some fights are normal
There's nothing wrong with disagreeing. Expressing disagreements is healthy in a relationship, but holding it in can do more damage in the long run. Quarrels will only become a problem if they occur frequently and are carried out with overflowing emotions. As long as your parents reconcile and don't fight too much, there's nothing to worry about.
Step 2. Ask for support from siblings or friends
Asking for support from your sibling is very important because your parents may be tired or frustrated after the fight and won't be able to comfort you and explain what happened. If you have a close relationship with your sibling, approach him and ask if you can talk about this. Let him know if you're afraid that something bad will happen, such as a divorce or that one of your parents will be hurt. If you have a friend you trust, talk to him or her. Your best friend may not be able to help you, but she will listen and be there when you need her.
Step 3. Talk to the school counselor, if available
School counselors have been trained to deal with students' personal problems, such as dealing with parental arguments. The school counselor is always there for you. You don't have to reveal things that you want to keep secret. You could say you are having family problems and need someone to talk to. If you are not sure how to contact a school counselor, or there is no counselor at your school, ask one of your teachers
Step 4. Don't jump to conclusions
Thinking about the relationship between parents after seeing them fight fiercely was natural. However, not all fights lead to divorce. Usually fights happen because your parents are having a hard day and are getting frustrated. Everyone loses their temper sometimes, but that doesn't mean anything bad will happen. If you are worried, you can bring this up to your parents and ask them to reassure you.
Your parents can fight about personal habits, such as financial expenses, cleanliness, and other things of daily life. Even if the situation escalates, fighting is a common outcome and can be a healthy way to release emotions
Step 5. Let go of your emotions
It's okay to be angry because your parents are fighting. As a child, it's natural for you to feel they have a responsibility to keep you safe and out of harm's way. It's normal to feel dangerous or frustrated if they have a heated argument. You can do the following activities to channel your emotions:
- Exercising. Anger is very beneficial in sports like baseball or soccer. Use your extra energy to hit as hard as you can to a home run, but don't take your anger out on other players.
- Talk about your frustration. You can discuss it with one of the people mentioned above: a parent, friend, sibling, or counselor. Research has shown that formerly taught techniques like "pillow punching" aren't quite right, but exploring your feelings with someone who can help you process them can be more effective at calming you down.
