Did you catch your parents cheating? Admit it, the experience was very painful, right? In particular, you may start to question your relationship with him, and start to distance yourself because you feel so angry with him. However, understand that no matter what the situation, he is still your parent so you can't just cut ties with him right away. Therefore, try to express all your disappointments and complaints through productive conversations, and set boundaries that will define your relationship with him in the future. As a result, sooner or later you will be able to repair your relationship with him.
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Method 1 of 4: Processing Feelings
Step 1. Talk to a trusted friend
Find someone who is not directly involved in your family life. Therefore, you should not tell your feelings to relatives such as your uncle or aunt. Instead, try sharing your story with a close friend who won't judge your feelings and can help you process information better.
Step 2. See an expert counselor
Knowing your parents' infidelity will leave you with all kinds of emotions, from anger to sadness to frustration. To control this, you can try to consult a counselor who usually handles infidelity issues, especially because they can provide a fresh perspective. In addition, they are also trained not to judge your parents' behavior. As a result, the perspective given will definitely feel more objective.
Expert counselors can also recommend practical tips for dealing with the situation in a positive way
Step 3. Write down your feelings in a journal or diary
Journaling is the perfect way to process your feelings and relieve stress, you know! After all, you are free to write whatever you want because the writing will not be seen by others. This is a good method of processing your feelings and devising the right approach to confronting your parents.
Step 4. Don't rush to conclusions
Remember, you are not your parents and chances are, you don't know all the stories that characterize their married life. Marriage is actually a very vulnerable bond, and the success of a marriage relationship must be supported by both parties in it. If your parents are having a problem, they will likely not tell you about it. That is why, rushing to conclusions is an unwise move and will not bring any positive impact.
Step 5. Don't act secretly
No matter how tempting it may be to find evidence of infidelity, don't do it because it's not your right. Remember, this is not your wedding! Even though you feel hurt and betrayed, understand that your position in the family is as a child, not a husband or wife of an cheating parent. Therefore, avoid the urge to secretly read your parents' text messages or emails to find relevant evidence.
Step 6. Check your brother's condition
If the situation is already smelled by him, try to check his condition. If your sibling is very young and still living with you, try taking him out together so you can have a more private chat. In this opportunity, find out about his feelings and how to deal with the affair.
If your sibling doesn't know what happened, think carefully before telling it. After all, you really don't have the right to tell the news, and your brother can be very hurt after hearing it
Method 2 of 4: Improving Relationships with Parents
Step 1. Try to remember the role of your parents in your life
Catching one of your parents having an affair will drastically change the way you view the guilty party. In other words, you will definitely feel angry and hurt by the act, and lose respect for it. If this situation occurs, try to recall its role in your life so far. If he is a kind and caring parent, use the memory, not the affair, to define your relationship with him.
Step 2. Start a new relationship with each parent
In many cases, infidelity is the end of a family's unity. In other words, your parents may decide to live separately after the event. If this situation occurs, try to build a "new" relationship with each parent so that your life can move to a new phase, namely the phase when you view your parents as independent individuals rather than a solid team.
Give love and support to your parents. Remember, this is a difficult and confusing situation for both parties, and knowing that you are always there to love and support them will make it easier for them to get through the process
Step 3. Determine your attitude towards the affair
If you want to move on with your life and improve your relationship with your parents, try to make up your mind about the affair. Remember, you can forgive the behavior, or not. However, never use these mistakes as weapons against your parents when you argue, or get everything you want in the future.
There's no need to bury the affair as if it never happened. However, don't keep bringing up the incident when you have to argue with your parents
Step 4. Explain your position to each parent
Remember, the situation in your relationship with one party should not interfere with your relationship with the other party. If the victimized parent feels hurt because you seem to be taking the other parent's side or willing to forgive and repair the relationship with him, deny that assumption through a healthy discussion process. Invite each parent to communicate separately, and explain your position in your relationship.
Emphasize that your relationship situation with one parent will not affect your relationship with the other parent
Step 5. Move on with your life
Even though parental infidelity can threaten the future of your family, understand that the wheel of your life will keep turning. That's why, don't be afraid to take control of certain things that happen in your life. Believe me, this method will be very helpful to apply if you feel that there are events that are difficult for you to reach and control in life.
Ask your parents for advice and guidance to improve your relationship with them in the future
Method 3 of 4: Creating Boundaries
Step 1. Affirm your reluctance to be in the middle of their problems
In a marriage relationship that is colored by infidelity, unfortunately some parents will use their children as shields against their partners. This situation is more common if the child is very young, and if the child still lives in the same house as them.
Instead, ask your parents to consult an expert counselor. Even though you can be a listener for your parents, you still shouldn't be the only shoulder they have to lean on
Step 2. Don't get too involved or take sides with either parent
Remember, you are not responsible for fixing their relationship or making sure their relationship runs smoothly. While the infidelity of one of your parents will definitely affect you, always remember that the decisions made are entirely theirs, not yours.
Do not report the activities of one party to another, and do not keep one party secret from the other. Even though it may sound like a hassle, you are actually being used implicitly by your parents, and the situation can be really stressful
Step 3. Don't be too partial to the victim's parents
This method will definitely be very difficult to implement, especially since you feel the need to protect the betrayed party. However, understand that every marriage relationship is built by two people, and there may be a bigger event that you are not really aware of. Therefore, try to remain neutral because it is not your marriage relationship.
Method 4 of 4: Confronting Parents
Step 1. Think about the outcome you want
Before engaging in a confrontation, try to think about the outcome you want to achieve afterward. Remember, raising the issue has serious consequences for the continuity of your kinship, you know. Therefore, think carefully about the results you want to achieve by doing so. Some of the goals you may have are:
- Get the information you want to know.
- Express your feelings to your parents.
- Improve relationship with your parents.
- Find out the current status of your parents' infidelity.
Step 2. Find the right time to talk
Ask the right time to discuss with your parents. In particular, choose a time when both parties are not busy or in a hurry to get somewhere, and when all parties can devote their full time and energy to the conversation.
Step 3. Start by talking about your pain, not your anger
In other words, describe the pain and discomfort you feel. Don't rush into making accusations, but focus on explaining how you feel. Chances are, your parents don't even realize how painful the situation is for you, you know. Doing so will make it easier for your parents to understand where your anger is coming from when you start offending them.
Start the conversation by saying, “I feel so hurt by your actions that I can't sleep and keep crying. I'm worried about our family's future.”
Step 4. Use "I" instead of "daddy/mother"
Focus on expressing your feelings, not judging them. Instead of blaming him, try to describe the effect his behavior has on how you feel. In other words, instead of saying, “You are so mean. How can you do this?," You can say, "I feel annoyed and hurt because of what you did."
Step 5. Try to stay calm
Remember, this is a very emotional moment, both for you and your cheating parents. However, trust that the conversation will be more productive if you don't keep yelling, insulting your parents, or judging them.
Step 6. Divide the conversation into small groups
Remember, infidelity is not a simple or light topic! Chances are, your parents will be surprised to find that this problem has caught your eye. Alternatively, he will be very nervous or defensive. Whatever the reaction, try to explain your feelings as honestly as possible. Then, give yourself, and your parents, time to process the situation and each other's feelings.
If your parents are unwilling to discuss the issue, explain that you still want to discuss it but are willing to give them time to continue the conversation
Step 7. Focus on your parents' behavior
Let the topic of conversation center on parental behavior that is at fault, and that this behavior does not represent parental responsibilities in your life. Remember, your goal is not to attack him, but to bring up behavior that you think is inappropriate.
Step 8. Appreciate the solutions your parents made
In fact, there are several situations that might occur. First, parents who are victims may forgive the perpetrators of infidelity. Second, parents who are victims may evict the perpetrators of infidelity. When, parents who are victims may turn a blind eye and pretend they don't know about the affair. Even if you don't agree with the chosen solution, understand that this is not your marriage relationship. Therefore, let your parents find a way out that they think is the best.
If you still live with them, or have siblings who still do, try raising your concerns about the impact your parents' behavior will have on you and/or your sibling's development
Step 9. Don't confront your parents with the intention of hurting them
Even though your parents' behavior was very bad and ended up destroying the kinship that existed between you, understand that the affair is a problem for both your parents. In other words, you should not interfere or even be willing to be used as a pawn in the matter.
