Listening to your parents fight can be really hard, and you may not know what to do when they start fighting again. You may wonder if there is anything you can do to stop the fighting. Unfortunately, nothing can make someone does something--that means, there's no guarantee you can stop your parents fighting. However, there are still some good things you can do to try to get them to understand your feelings and hopefully make them decide to stop fighting. If you're feeling sad, scared, anxious, or even angry because your parents are constantly fighting, we have some suggestions so you can manage your emotions and think of a plan to deal with this difficult situation.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Talking to Parents About Their Quarrels
Step 1. Decide if you want to talk to them about your parents' fight
In most cases, it can be a good thing to talk to your parents about how their fight made you sad. Your parents may not know that you can hear their bickering, or they may not realize that you're feeling down.
They may think that their fight is no big deal and haven't thought about it from your point of view
Step 2. Choose an appropriate time to talk to your parents
Even if you want their fight to end quickly, it's best if you stay away (if possible) when your parents are fighting.
Wait until they have calmed down, and let them know that you want to talk about something that is really bothering you
Step 3. Describe your perspective on what happened to your parents
You're making an adult decision to tell your parents how their fight is affecting you, and that's great! In order to increase the chances of a good conversation with the results you expect, you should try to communicate effectively. You should start by explaining to your parents what you see from your point of view.
For example, "Dad and mom, it seems like mom and dad are fighting a lot these days, especially in the morning when we're all getting ready."
Step 4. Tell them what you think
Since you want your parents to understand the situation from your point of view, it's best to let them know what you think about the situation, even if you're really confused.
For example, you might say, "I don't know why mom and dad are fighting so much these days. Maybe mom and dad have been working late lately or maybe mom and dad should drop me off to school early for band practice.”
Step 5. Describe how you feel
Be honest with your feelings, and hopefully your parents will listen, can convince you, and will decide to change their behavior.
For example, you could continue the conversation by saying, “My mom and dad's fights are stressing me out. I'm worried that mom and dad are angry with me, and I'm afraid mom and dad will get a divorce.”
Step 6. Say what you want
Don't forget to tell your parents what you want. Of course, you might just want them to stop fighting right away, but that might sound unrealistic.
However, you can ask them not to involve you or try your best to keep the fight secret
Step 7. Write down what you want to say beforehand
If you're nervous about remembering everything you're about to say to your parents, or if you're worried you'll get emotional, it's best to write it down before you talk to them.
Make sure your message includes all the steps described above (about sharing your point of view, etc.), then practice
Step 8. Consider writing a letter to your parents
While it's always best to talk directly to your parents, if you're feeling too nervous, writing a letter might help. Writing a letter can give them time to digest what you have to say and discuss it together.
If you're writing a letter to your parents, you'll still need to communicate effectively, so think about the steps outlined above so you know what to include in the letter
Step 9. Listen to the parent's explanation
Hopefully, your parents will be willing to talk about what's going on between them and be able to explain the reason for their fight. If they are both open to talking, do your best to listen to them without interrupting.
With luck, you and your parents will be able to reconcile, and may be able to think of a plan for dealing with stress, disagreements, and fights in the future
Step 10. Talk to someone you trust about your parents fighting
If you're not sure whether you should talk to your parents, if you're not sure what to say when you talk to them, or if you've spoken to them but nothing has changed, you should try to find a trusted adult to talk to about this..
Choose someone who loves you, who you can trust, and who takes care of you. Think about chatting with an acquaintance, the counseling teacher at school, your favorite teacher, or your clergyman for advice
Step 11. Be open to family therapy
It's possible that your parents advised your family to seek counseling or therapy. They may decide to do it after you talk to them. However, even if you haven't done so, they will realize for themselves that their fight is getting out of hand and will suggest counseling.
- You might not like hearing this, especially if you're shy or introverted and worried that this session would be boring.
- Remember that this is a good sign! If your parents suggest going to counseling, it means they want to try to keep your family safe and happy.
Part 2 of 3: Knowing What To Do When Parents Are Fighting
Step 1. Try not to eavesdrop when your parents are arguing
Since you don't know why your parents are fighting, and since you'd easily misinterpret something you're secretly listening to, it might be best to try not to listen to them fighting.
Eavesdropping when your parents are fighting may make you sad even more, but there's a good chance that they'll make up
Step 2. Find a quieter place
If possible, you should try to go somewhere away from where your parents are fighting so you can relax and let them sort things out on their own.
For example, you could go to your room and read a book, play a video game, or go outside to play
Step 3. Try to find a way to escape when an argument occurs even if you can't leave
You may not always be able to go into another room or out of the house when your parents are fighting.
- For example, most parents become stressed and argue while driving long distances. If this happens, you can still find a way to stay away from them.
- For example, put on earphones and listen to relaxing or pleasant music, or try to focus on a magazine or book.
Step 4. Know when to call Emergency Services
If you don't feel safe when your parents are fighting, if your parents threaten each other with physical violence, or if someone is hurt, it's very important that you go to a safe place and call for help.
You may be worried that your parents will be upset that you involved the police, but remember that you should put safety over regrets, and calling the police isn't your fault--it's (really) your parents' fault because they've put you in a difficult position
Part 3 of 3: Studying the Quarrels that Happened
Step 1. Understand that it is natural for parents to fight
Maybe your parents started yelling at each other in the next room, or maybe they've been ignoring each other for days. Either way, you already know they're mad at each other, and that will stress you out.
- However, it is very important that you understand that this is normal and that sometimes even fine parents can disagree and argue with each other.
- If your parents don't fight often, and if no one seems worried, then you don't have to worry about them fighting either.
Step 2. Understand why parents fight
Even though your parents are older and should be wiser and mature, they are still human. We all feel tired, stressed, or have a bad day, and maybe your parents are fighting over those reasons.
Chances are, both of them will start to feel better soon and will make up
Step 3. Understand that knowing your parents are fighting isn't a bad thing
Family health experts always recommend that parents don't fight in front of their children (you don't need to know all the details of their adult life and worries). However, it is very important for children to know that their parents do fight from time to time.
- One of the duties of a parent is to teach that disagreements are inevitable, even with those we love, and to teach you how to overcome them. If your parents hide all their disagreements from you, you'll have a harder time handling these kinds of situations when you're dating.
- Hopefully your parents will let you know that they're not mad at each other when they're done fighting and they've made up. If they keep forgetting to tell them this, and you have to watch carefully to see if everything is okay, you should probably talk to them.
Step 4. Understand that parents don't always believe everything they say during a fight
Sometimes, when we are angry, we will say things that we don't mean or that we will regret. You may have had an argument with your brother or sister, or with one of your friends and said something bad like, “I can't stand you anymore!” or “I don't want to play with you anymore!”.
- Once you've calmed down, you'll probably apologize and explain that you didn't mean to say those bad things.
- Even though we want our parents to always act perfectly, they will sometimes say hurtful things to each other that they don't mean and believe. Hopefully, they will also apologize quickly after the fight.
Step 5. Recognize that parental fights are not your fault
Parents can fight over a number of things, from work, money, and even things that seem like they're talking about you. For example, they may be fighting over money and you know they just paid dues for your swim team. You might think that if you weren't on the team, they wouldn't be fighting.
- While it's easier to blame yourself and hard not to think it's not your fault, it's more important to know that parental fights will never be your fault.
- Your parents have already made the adult decision to fight, and it's their fault if they don't handle it well. Keep in mind that while fights may appear to be caused by one thing (you), they are usually about other things that have nothing to do with you.
Step 6. Understand that fighting doesn't mean your parents are going to separate
It's possible that if parents fight often, they will get divorced in the end. Remember that if it does happen, their divorce is not your fault.
However, you should also remember that fights are normal between people who love each other. Quarrels don't mean your parents don't love each other (or don't love you), and even a small fight doesn't mean your parents will divorce
Step 7. Know that it's okay to feel sad
Even though you understand that fights are facial, you may still feel sad, depressed, worried, anxious, or even angry. Your emotions may feel strange, but it's okay for you to feel them.
