Ending a marriage is not an easy decision, especially since it takes introspection and deep self-reflection before one can come to that decision. Although the relationship situation of each couple is very unique and different, in fact there are still various major symptoms that indicate that a marriage relationship is actually on the brink. Some of the things that can quickly worsen a relationship situation are resentment, criticism, defensiveness, and the habit of shutting up your partner. Therefore, try to identify the signs to watch out for, evaluate your feelings, and try to identify your reasons for staying or getting a divorce. If you want, you can also ask for support and advice from those closest to you to make the decision-making process easier.
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Part 1 of 3: Recognizing and Watching for Major Symptoms
Step 1. Recognize the symptoms of hatred, such as constant insults, ridicule, or slurs that can trigger an argument
In fact, the expression of hatred is a form of behavior or nonverbal statement that is intended to attack others personally. The expression of hatred is generally triggered by a very intense sense of resentment and dislike. If such behavior begins to color your relationship, it means that you and your partner's marital situation is on the edge!
- An expression of hatred may be manifested by a statement that sounds derogatory, such as, “You are a loser, aren't you,” “You disgust me,” or “You never do anything right.”
- In addition, the symptoms of hatred may also be nonverbal, such as when you and/or your partner show a sneering or mocking reaction when the other party enters the room.
- For example, when one party asks, “How are you today?”, the other party responds to the question by rolling her eyes, ignoring the question completely, or even saying, “None of your business.”
- If you feel that you and/or your partner are very upset with the other party, then divorce is probably the best thing to do. If you are reluctant to end the relationship, you and your partner can ask a marriage counselor for help to make the relationship situation more conducive in the future.
Step 2. Beware of personal criticism
In fact, all married couples will occasionally complain about trivial things. However, criticism is actually problematic if it is intended as a personal attack, you know! In other words, if you and your partner constantly attack or ridicule each other personally, immediately take concrete steps to improve the quality of your communication.
For example, “I feel humiliated and ignored if you don't respond to my questions,” is criticism aimed at solving problems. Meanwhile, “You never pay attention when spoken to, do you. There seems to be something wrong with you,”is a personal attack
Step 3. Be aware of constant defensive behavior
When you and/or your partner constantly launch personal attacks on the other party, of course the marriage relationship will not be happy. Therefore, think about whether during this time, you often feel the need to defend yourself in front of your partner, prepare yourself to be blamed, or automatically assume that your partner will ridicule you.
Also think about how often your partner gets defensive in the relationship. Try to realize how often the phrase, "It's not my fault, really" comes out of your mouth and your partner, especially if there is no provocation from either side
Step 4. Beware of the “quiet partner” habit
To resolve conflicts, it is necessary to have honest and open lines of communication. That is why, you should be wary if one or both parties often choose to resolve conflicts by silencing or leaving the other party. Be careful, the situation is one of the benchmarks of destruction in communication!
- There's nothing wrong with postponing resolving the issue until both parties are calmer. However, you and/or your partner should say, "We shouldn't be discussing this right now, because I think you and I both need some time to calm down," instead of just shutting up or leaving the other party right away.
- On the other hand, if you and your partner are constantly failing to resolve issues that are going on in your relationship, chances are there is a bigger problem to look out for. In fact, disagreements can develop a relationship in a positive direction if they are handled well, but they can also worsen a relationship if both parties are unable to address the issues that triggered it.
Step 5. Monitor positive and negative interactions in the relationship
In fact, fights are bound to happen even in a healthy marriage relationship. However, negative interactions, such as arguments, should not occur more often than positive interactions. If you and your partner fight more than you show affection for each other, there's a good chance that there's an underlying problem that needs to be addressed right away.
- Therefore, make an effort to always keep track of the quality time you both have, and whether you are both willing to make an effort to give each other some free time. Even though you feel like you're always fighting with your partner, the fact is that this assumption isn't necessarily true, you know!
- As a general rule, there should be five positive interactions for one negative interaction. Some positive forms of interaction are hugging or kissing, giving compliments, having quality conversations, or having dinner together.
- Remember, people who are potentially emotionally abusive may constantly give their partners expensive gifts, or will almost always treat their partners as kings or queens in the relationship. Violence of any kind, including physical violence, threats of violence, ostracism, attempts to humiliate, and degrading ridicule, is not tolerated! In addition, understand that any kind of good and special behavior will not justify one negative behavior.
Step 6. Think about the quality of communication between the two of you
Quality communication is one of the important keys to maintaining a healthy marriage relationship. Therefore, try to think about the last time you and your partner communicated feelings, opinions, or curiosity to each other. If the conversation between the two of you lately has been colored by light and less-than-deep topics, this is a good time to address the issue.
In fact, feelings of stress, frustration, and/or burnout are prone to arise when the quality of your communication with your partner deteriorates. However, try to distinguish the reluctance to communicate due to stress or tiredness at work, from the reluctance to communicate due to feelings of resentment or hatred hidden in each other's minds towards their partner
Step 7. Evaluate your emotional and physical intimacy
Some married couples can live together for years even if they don't have intense intimacy. However, if you and your partner experience decreased physical and emotional intimacy, chances are that the relationship between the two of you has indeed deteriorated.
- Some examples of physical and emotional intimacy are saying “I love you” to each other, complimenting one another, expressing one's heart to one another, expressing appreciation for one another, holding hands, hugging, kissing, hugging, and having sex..
- Again, less intense intimacy is not uncommon in a marital relationship. However, understand that there is a huge gap between a lack of intimacy due to stress or fatigue, and a lack of intimacy due to a loss of love for your partner. Another indicator to watch out for is the emergence of selfish behavior, such as when your partner spends a lot of money or makes career plans without consulting you.
- The lack of communication and intimacy that results from feeling resentful or disgusted with your partner can be difficult to deal with, and may be a good reason for both of you to divorce.
Part 2 of 3: Evaluating Your Feelings
Step 1. Make a list of things that can save you and your partner's marriage relationship
Think about what steps both of you have to take to save the relationship. To make the process easier, you can draw a straight, vertical line in the middle of the page, then list the things you need to do on the left side, and the things your partner needs to do on the right.
- For example, in a column devoted to couples, you might write, "Understand my feelings better, be more intimate with me, express love and affection for me more often." Meanwhile, in the column that's meant for you, try writing, "Use more polite language when talking to your partner, stop attacking your partner personally, stop using work as an outlet."
- Then, think those expectations are realistic. Are you sure that these changes can be made by both parties? Are you both willing to compromise to make it happen?
- Remember, a marriage relationship can only be saved by both parties in it. For example, if your partner is cheating on you, you both need to be willing to work together to address the issues that are rooting in the affair.
Step 2. Think about whether or not the idea of being single came to your mind
Try to imagine a future without a partner, and what the feelings that follow will be like. Do you often think about the possibility of being single, living alone, dating other people, or living far from your partner? If these fantasies make you feel happy and relieved, chances are that your marriage relationship with your partner is not in trouble.
- Remember, everyone must have dreamed and fantasized. Therefore, do not rush to end your marriage just because you once had fantasies about a completely different life path.
- Think about whether separating from your partner could make you happier. Have recently similar fantasies appeared more often and colored with more specific details? If so, and if other symptoms appear as well, this is most likely a good time to divorce your partner or take concrete steps to save the relationship.
Step 3. Consider fear as a reason not to divorce
Do you want to maintain a relationship because you truly love your partner and want to pursue the same goals as him or her? Or, are you afraid of experiencing financial and personal difficulties if you divorce him? Be honest with yourself to find the truest reason behind your reluctance to divorce!
- A marital relationship is easier to repair if the parties to it want to survive because they have a sense of love and a common purpose.
- Separation and divorce are terrible, but understand that a marital relationship bound by fear can never stand stable and strong. Even if it seems impossible now, time will actually help you to get back on your feet upright and independent, especially if you also receive an outpouring of emotional and practical support from those closest to you.
Step 4. Consider the possibility of using children as the only reason not to divorce
Fear of divorce because you don't want to have a negative influence on your child is a very natural feeling. However, understand that children whose parents are divorced will actually grow up better than those whose parents are still together, but have bad relationships.
If children are the only reason you are reluctant to divorce your partner, understand that ending the marriage may actually be the best decision for your child
Step 5. Talk to a trusted friend or relative to get a new perspective
Getting caught in a dilemma is a common situation, and you'll likely have a hard time finding the right solution to all of these problems. In this situation, try asking the people closest to you for advice. Trust me, a good friend or relative will be willing to help you understand your feelings.
- Explain to them, “Recently, Sam and I have been having trouble. Sometimes, I feel like this relationship is still worth saving. But not infrequently, I feel like packing my things and leaving the house. I really feel tired and confused. Do you think you can help me untangle this tangled thread?”
- Remember, these people may not be mental health professionals so you shouldn't make a decision based solely on their opinion. However, putting your feelings into words can help clarify the situation, and those closest to you who know you very well can also provide a fresh and useful perspective.
Part 3 of 3: Communicating with Your Partner
Step 1. State your concern clearly and directly
If you've never done it before, try to open up more to your partner about your feelings. Be firm when something goes wrong in your relationship, and don't be afraid to share your concerns about a possible ending. Do it all calmly, and try your best not to get angry or blame him.
Also address specific issues, such as “We don't treat each other well anymore, and I can't remember the last time we said more than 2 words to each other. It seems you and I are both harboring resentment towards each other, and I don't think this kind of relationship is good for us."
Step 2. Understand the desire of all parties to improve the marital relationship
If you and your partner are both reluctant to admit the problem that occurs and try to fix it, surely the marriage relationship will not be saved. In other words, the marriage relationship will only be saved if both parties are willing to work together to work on it!
- If you're trying to save a marital relationship, try saying, “We both work, but I want to take the time to try to save this relationship. Would you also like to see a counselor and try to mend our relationship?”
- No matter how dire the situation may be, the fact is that "weakening yourself up" in front of your partner is the first step you should take to save your marital relationship! Remember, your partner may not know how important this marriage relationship is to you if you never show it.
Step 3. Discuss long-term goals and plans with your partner
In fact, problems in relationships often arise if the parties in it have different perspectives on the future. Different goals don't always risk ending the relationship, but you and your partner should be able to find ways to compromise if there are problems with the differences in goals.
- If you both aim to maintain a lasting relationship, the chances of repairing the relationship should increase. However, if one of the parties puts their work first, wants to date someone else, or needs the freedoms that marriage doesn't provide, divorce may be the best way to go.
- Other examples that may trigger conflict between couples include debates about where to live, which side's career goals should be prioritized, and the desire to have children.
Step 4. Do marriage counseling, if you haven't tried it yet
If you both decide to repair your existing marital relationship, try couples therapy and, if necessary, individual therapy. Don't worry, an experienced therapist can help identify the underlying events in your marital relationship, build skills to resolve disagreements between the two of you without attacking each other, and provide an objective perspective on your and your partner's marital situation.
If the counseling process has been going on for months or even years but is not providing significant benefits, you should accept the fact that ending the marriage may indeed be the best option
Step 5. Make the decision to divorce calmly and patiently
If you are reluctant to save the marriage relationship, try to convey the decision calmly and sensitively to your partner. Don't bring up the idea of a divorce when the two of you are fighting! Instead, choose a moment when both of you are able to communicate with a cool head. Do your best to empathize with your partner without ignoring the facts.
Try saying, “We haven't been happy for a long time, and I think that the distance that has formed is very difficult to bridge again. I'm grateful for all the fun times we've had together, but it seems like divorce is the healthiest decision for both of us right now."
Tips
- Betrayal and other forms of breach of trust are problems that are actually very difficult to overcome. However, the possibility of saving a marriage after being cheated on by a real partner is still open. With the help of an expert counselor, rebuilding broken trust is often easier than drowning in feelings of inferiority and grief over the betrayal.
- If you have been the victim of emotional or physical abuse, consider the possibility of divorcing your partner if there are parties who can guarantee your safety afterward. Therefore, immediately seek help and support from emergency services or those closest to you if you feel your safety is threatened!
