Sometimes we are in a situation that makes us regret an action or word. After that we may feel ashamed and hope it doesn't happen. Unfortunately we can't turn the clock back and get a second chance. We can only repair relationships with people we have hurt or harmed.
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Part 1 of 3: Overcoming Your Mistakes
Step 1. Make sure what your error is
Mistakes (or disloyalty) can take many forms. Usually this means you have broken a promise (whether formal or informal) with someone.
Some examples of possible mistakes: You have been unfaithful to your partner because of an affair, broke another person's trust by lying, or violated norms or ethics by stealing something
Step 2. Admit your mistakes before they are discovered by others
You know that you have betrayed someone, so don't wait until this person finds out from someone else. Waiting until this person finds out from someone else will only make the situation much worse, and make it much more difficult to reconcile.
Step 3. Commit to change in the future
Solving any error is difficult to do. The person you have hurt may take a long time to trust you again. You need to help them to trust you again by being willing to change in the future. Once you're committed, you need to really live it and change.
Step 4. Answer difficult questions
The person you have hurt will likely ask you a lot of questions about what you have done. This person may want to know all the details, including why you did it and what was on your mind. Answer these questions honestly without ultimately blaming others.
For example, if you have had an affair, they may ask why you did it. If you want to seriously tackle your infidelity and improve your relationship, blaming your partner for the affair is not the right way to go. You need to be honest about why you're having an affair-for example, because you're not confident enough to talk to your partner about your needs and instead seek satisfaction with someone else
Step 5. Listen to everything this person has to say about how they feel
The person you've hurt will usually get emotional, and this person may also want to share their feelings with you. You need to listen; after all, you are the cause. Avoid analyzing, evaluating, and judging what he says about you.
In this conversation (or a series of other conversations) this person is simply expressing their feelings-whether rationally or not. You don't have to agree to be a listener. But at the same time you need to realize that these are expressions of feelings, and feelings don't always have to make sense
Step 6. Be prepared to process in the long term
The recovery process can take some time, depending on the size of the error. You need to give the person you betrayed time to trust you again, and you need to proactively show that you want to restore their trust.
Step 7. Take responsibility for what you have done
Don't try to make excuses, rationalizations, or justifications, or avoid explaining what and why it happened.
For example, if you steal at the store, don't say you did this because all your friends do it too. This is just an excuse to shirk from what you have done. An excuse like this will not be able to restore the trust of the person you have betrayed
Part 2 of 3: Apologizing
Step 1. Make sure there are 3Ps in your apology
There are 3Ps in apology: regret, accountability, and reparation. Regret means empathizing and acknowledging that your actions hurt others. Accountability means accepting that you made a mistake and will be responsible for correcting it. Restoration means realizing that you have to correct what you did.
Step 2. Be sincere
One of the most important aspects of an apology is sincerity. Sincerity comes when you truly regret what you have done and realize that you have hurt someone else. If you don't regret, or don't accept, or don't care about hurting someone with what you did, your apology is not sincere.
- Regret doesn't mean admitting that you hurt on purpose. Regret means that you realize that what you did was hurtful to another person and that you are sorry that you hurt that person.
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Below are some ways to apologize to show your sincerity and remorse:
- I apologize for what I have done. I'm really sorry for hurting you.
- I am sorry. I realize that I have hurt your feelings and I feel very bad for doing so.
Step 3. Take responsibility for your actions
As with regret, being responsible doesn't mean you're hurting the other person on purpose. Accountability shows the person you hurt that you accept the blame for what happened.
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Below are some ways to apologize to show your accountability:
- I'm really sorry. I know that you have a hard time trusting other people and I have made things worse by lying. I shouldn't have lied to you.
- I am sorry. I will not defend myself for what I have done. I know I have hurt you and I will take full responsibility.
Step 4. Restore the state
You can't take back what you've said, or get a second chance, but you can at least correct it. Recovery for the person you've hurt means that you promise not to do it again, or to make things better by doing something.
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Below are some ways to apologize to show you want to make things right:
- I'm sorry for making us late to the movies so we missed the start of the movie. Next time we go to the movies, I'll treat!
- I'm sorry I lied to you yesterday. I really made a mistake and won't do it again.
- I'm sorry for treating you badly at the meeting, I really don't know why I got out of control. I will do everything in my power to make sure I never do that again.
Step 5. Don't apologize to get something you want
Every apology must be sincere. If you've decided to apologize because someone told you to or because you realize that by apologizing you can get something in return, you've made the wrong decision. An apology like this will appear insincere and will only make the situation worse.
Step 6. Plan the apology ahead of time
When we realize we have made a mistake, we can easily find excuses to justify our innocence. Before apologizing to the person we have hurt, we need to first realize the mistake and forgive ourselves.
- Start by realizing that you have made a mistake and don't look for excuses to justify.
- Reflect on what you have done and what the consequences have been for others. Think about how you would feel when you were treated that way.
- Acknowledge that humans can make mistakes and that you are only human. Forgive yourself and try to let go of any guilt feelings.
- Try to forgive others, if necessary. If you made the mistake of being hostile towards someone else, you may also need to forgive them before you apologize yourself. In a situation like this you should take heart, recognize and take responsibility for your mistake, even if the person doesn't want to apologize.
- Plan how to apologize, including what you will say, how to improve the relationship, and where you will apologize. Don't try to apologize without any preparation or you'll be at a loss for words when you're confused.
Step 7. Give time to the person you have hurt
There's no need to rush. The person you have hurt may need time to think about what is going on and be able to make a decision.
- When talking to the person you have hurt, make it clear that you will wait. Give him a chance to decide when he will give an answer or in what way he wants to give an answer.
- Different situations require different timeframes. If you just forget your wife's birthday, she may just need 24 hours to cool off and come up with an answer. If you hit a neighbor's dog or someone else's car, it may take him a few days or weeks before he can determine the best way for you to fix the error.
Step 8. Listen carefully to their response to your apology
Once the person you're apologizing for can begin to think clearly, listen to their answer. You don't just listen to what they say, but try to catch the implied meaning in it.
- Listen attentively in a distraction-free atmosphere. If you're in a cafe or a place where TV is playing, try moving to another place that's less distraction-free.
- Don't lose focus that he is talking. You may be too tired or thinking about something to be able to concentrate fully, but this might be the best time to talk about it.
- Avoid trying to defend yourself if he starts to get angry. He may just need to share his feelings after you've been hurt. Your job right now is just to listen.
- Pay attention to your body language. Look at him directly. Make sure your facial expression matches what he's saying. Don't cross your arms in front of him. Give a nod or say "yes" to encourage him to continue talking.
- Repeat what he says to make sure you understand and show him that you really care.
Part 3 of 3: Learn from Your Mistakes
Step 1. Open yourself up to new views
When you are well versed in something, or have held an opinion long enough, it will usually be quite difficult for you to consider other views or opinions. This behavior can make you think that you are always right or that you are too stubborn to listen. Try to consider other views or options, and don't assume that you are always right.
This is especially important after you've hurt someone. Perhaps you initially thought that your views were 'right' when you hurt them, or that you did so with justifiable reasons. Look back at it now and consider for a moment a view you've never noticed before
Step 2. Love yourself
Take a moment to realize that you are valuable. Realize that you deserve to be cared for and loved. Try to avoid constantly judging and criticizing yourself for making mistakes. Love yourself as you love others.
- Show compassion by writing a letter to yourself. Imagine that you are someone else and write yourself a letter to give advice and show compassion.
- Write down any negative thoughts or criticisms you have said or thought to yourself. Read it again and consider whether you would actually say something like that to a friend.
Step 3. Don't add to your own fears
When we were young we often avoided doing something for fear of the outcome. Unfortunately habits like this we carry into adulthood and prevent us from doing something that can be useful. When considering doing something new, don't let fear of the outcome keep you from trying.
- As another example, you may have had a bad experience before and was afraid to try again. For example, you may have an accident while learning to drive, so you don't want to try to get a driver's license anymore. Don't let one mistake in the past make you suffer in the future.
- If you have hurt someone else, you may be hesitant to put yourself in a similar situation in the future for fear of repeating the same mistake. Realize that now you know the mistakes you made and can now focus on not repeating them - you don't need to avoid the situation.
Step 4. Be yourself
Guilt can come from many sources, including from our childhood and what we have been taught at school or at home. Most of the things that make us feel guilty are learned subconsciously and we continue to maintain this guilt as adults because we haven't been able to acknowledge ourselves as we should.
- Your original self is the self that was molded to what you wanted it to be. You are not who your parents or teachers want you to be.
- Showing your true self to others is not only liberating, it can also forge deep relationships with others. You will have more freedom when you are with other people because you know you can trust them and will not be judged.
- You may have hurt someone based on a prejudice you learned as a child. You now feel guilty about yourself because what you did in one situation contradicted what you really believed.
Step 5. Face the reality in your life
The realities of life can be disturbing, difficult, and painful. Because of all these distractions, difficulties, and pain, we can pretend to ignore reality. But ignoring this reality can be dangerous. Try to open yourself up to reality and you will feel liberated, renewed, and more energized.
The reality is that you have hurt someone. This reality is hard to face and admit, but in order to heal and transcend this wound, you must accept the fact that you have done it
Step 6. Think… but don't go too far
If you have an analytical mind, chances are that you think about everything in your life in detail. This way of thinking can be useful in one situation, but it can also be destructive in another. It can be hard to change the way you think, but at the very least, start to admit that you're stuck on something so you can identify its roots.
- If you're struggling with something, do something else to distract yourself. Watch your favorite movie, read an interesting book, color it, or go for a walk outside, or find any activity.
- Once you know you've hurt someone, you really have to think about what you did, and you also have to think about how to fix it. But this doesn't mean you have to stay in the same situation all the time. Continuing to stay in the same conditions can trigger stress and anxiety.
