Trust is the main foundation in a relationship; destroying a partner's trust is like destroying the relationship itself. Thus, infidelity (in any form) certainly cannot be justified and will certainly have a very negative impact on a relationship. If your relationship has been colored by an affair with you as the mastermind, asking your partner to make peace is not impossible. But most likely, you and your partner will need to go through a healing process that is not short, filled with emotional turmoil, and requires a commitment from both parties to work together. Remember, infidelity has more or less destroyed your relationship; You and your partner need to determine whether the damage can still be repaired. Pay close attention to your partner's needs and commit to fighting for your relationship to heal; surely you and your partner will be able to reassemble the pieces of the relationship that had been scattered.
Step
Method 1 of 4: Accountability for Actions
Step 1. Stop cheating
Stop your infidelity completely before starting the relationship healing process. Remember, you must do this step.
Step 2. Do whatever you can to physically distance yourself from the source of the affair
If your cheating partner is a co-worker at work, you may need to ask to be transferred to another division, or even resign from your job and look for another job. Meanwhile, if your affair started at the gym or other places you regularly visit to relax, maybe you should start thinking about changing your lifestyle and habits.
Step 3. Be honest with your partner
Tell your partner what happened and why it happened. You can tell details about your intimacy with your cheating partner only if the partner asks first. Telling him before being asked will only hurt him more. If your partner refuses to know it and decides not to ask, don't force it. Respect your partner's choices and requests.
- Most likely, your partner will act offensively after hearing your confession. Your unfaithfulness will surely make your partner hurt and hurt. Therefore, be prepared to deal with the various actions and reactions of your partner post-confession (including dealing with new issues that he throws to turn against you).
- If your partner has also cheated on you, chances are that the issue will also come to the fore. Talking about his unfaithfulness is probably the best emotional weapon he has, of course, so that you feel the same hurt as him. Be prepared for such a reaction. If his confession hurts you, always remember that your pain is proportional to the pain of your partner due to your unfaithfulness. If this is the case, both parties must work equally hard to heal the relationship.
Step 4. Be honest with yourself
Take time to think about the reasons for your unfaithfulness to your partner. A person's unfaithfulness to his partner is influenced by various factors, such as low self-esteem, the influence of alcohol, sexual addiction problems (feeling unsatisfied sexually by a legal partner), problems in marital relationships, and dissatisfaction in relationships.
- A wise saying once said that unfaithfulness was a sign that something was missing in the relationship. Today, experts believe that this condition is only one of many factors that lead to infidelity.
- Whatever your reasons, never blame your partner and make it the reason for your infidelity. If you really feel dissatisfied in your relationship, the wise step you should take is to find a solution with your partner, not having an affair.
Method 2 of 4: Achieving Open Communication
Step 1. Prioritize openness
Most likely, your partner has hundreds of questions regarding your infidelity. He may want to know when and where you met your cheating partner; he may also want to know how long your affair has been going on. Chances are, he will also spend time reflecting on your relationship so far and questioning your past attitudes. Remember, communicating openly also has moral limits. For example, you shouldn't go into details about your sexual relationship with your cheating partner until you are asked.
- Take the time to process all of your partner's questions. Give the best and honest response, but don't rule out other questions in the future.
- Consider your partner's readiness to hear details, even when you're answering questions. Don't hide the information, but find the right time to share it. For example, if your partner hasn't asked you why you're having an affair, don't rush into explaining it. Be patient, your partner may feel they have heard and known enough for now. Wait until your partner asks questions and feels able to process other information before explaining.
Step 2. Give your partner time to process the situation
Your infidelity is very painful news for your partner. Maybe he had been suspicious all this time; but his suspicions were only confirmed now, right?
The time it takes for a post-infidel relationship to heal varies widely. But at least, you can predict your new relationship will be completely healed in 1-2 years
Step 3. Communicate the future of your relationship honestly and openly
Think more realistically, could your partner forgive you? If it seems like your relationship still has hope, work on restoring the trust you've lost.
- When considering the future of your relationship, consider the feelings of the people who will be affected by your decision. The stakes will be much greater if you and your partner already have children. Couples who have been married for years are bound to have a closer bond than those who have only been in a relationship for a few months.
- Realize that even if your partner claims to be able to forgive you, the real process until he actually forgives you will definitely not take a while.
- Don't rush to make a decision. Take some time to think about whether your decision was really based on a lengthy process of reflection, not just an instant reaction after an argument with your partner.
Step 4. Consult a professional counselor or psychologist
If you're having trouble managing your behavior, or even knowing the real cause of your infidelity, consider seeking professional therapy. Couples counseling can be a powerful way to help you negotiate with your partner.
- A counselor or other trusted person can offer objective, non-judgmental support to help you process your feelings.
- A trusted third party can also mediate your discussions with your partner.
Method 3 of 4: Restoring Trust and Honesty in Relationships
Step 1. Realize that you must be able to take responsibility
After an affair, you need to work hard to restore your partner's trust. Communicate all your plans, then give honest responses if your partner asks or asks you to ensure the security of your relationship in the future.
However, be aware that your infidelity history will not (and should not) interfere with your right to privacy. Respect your partner's need for information, but don't feel obligated to give away any information about the contents of your cell phone, your whereabouts, or the passwords of all your social media accounts. Such actions will continue to fuel distrust in the relationship, instead of giving you an opportunity to rebuild a new and healthier relationship
Step 2. Give your partner space and time
Don't give your partner a deadline to forgive you. Be patient, your partner needs to relearn why he needs to trust you.
- Ask for some time alone if you feel the situation is heating up. Both you and your partner may need time to process each other's feelings. Politely ask your partner to stop the discussion and calm down first. Give your partner the freedom to distance themselves and their emotions from you for a while.
- Try to set a specific time to process the difficult emotions that you and your partner are feeling. For example, you can set the timer to half an hour; take advantage of the limited time to discuss with your partner. This will help you and your partner to focus more on the main subjects, not widen the problem, or fill the time with other irrelevant actions.
Step 3. Forgive yourself
Forgiving yourself does not free you from the consequences and your need to change your behavior. Forgiving yourself means freeing your emotions and your mind to move forward. Once you've done that, you can start working on healing your relationship and changing your habits.
- Every day is a new day. When you wake up in the morning, reflect on your decision to move on with your life and fight to repair a relationship that has been destroyed.
- If you believe that performing certain rituals can help the healing process, try taking symbolic steps such as burning or tearing the paper that says "cheating"; do it carefully, don't hurt yourself. Always remember this action whenever you are tempted to reflect on your past behavior. Both literally and metaphorically, you have burned the “bridge” between the present and the past, and you are committed to moving forward.
- Whenever you feel like you're sinking into disappointment, do something that makes you feel better, like sending a love message to your partner, cleaning the house, or engaging in a new, fun hobby.
Method 4 of 4: Renewing Commitments
Step 1. Renew your commitment to the “new” relationship
Your “pre-affair” relationship is over. When you renew your relationship with the same partner, you will be faced with a new phase of reconciling, growing, and developing. This phase of course comes with new expectations and rules. Discuss the rules and expectations openly to make sure you and your partner both agree on them.
Step 2. Spend time with your partner doing things that don't remind him of your infidelity
Communicating regularly and building trust is important. But spending quality time with your partner to do new things is equally important.
- Consider activities that you have enjoyed in the past that you could turn back into productive hobbies.
- Discuss life goals and interests of both parties. Maybe your partner has always wanted to visit the Raja Ampat Islands with you. After knowing what he wants, take the time to contact a travel agent or look for various information regarding a trip to Raja Ampat and make your partner's dream come true! After you and your partner share your desires, goals, and hopes, make a commitment to achieve those goals together. If your partner really wants to take part in a mass running event but unfortunately you're not a runner, at least offer to encourage them throughout the event.
Step 3. Focus on what happened today
As bad as it is, your infidelity is a thing of the past. Focus on the future for you and your partner; realize that at this time you are required to be more responsible and more skilled at communicating emotionally.
Step 4. Rebuild intimacy in the relationship
If sexual intimacy was not a part of your past relationship, work on rebuilding trust in the relationship and renewing the commitment.
- Be careful, even though your relationship with your partner is a form of cooperation, the injured party (in this case, your partner) needs to determine the right parameters in the process. Without being based on trust, intimacy in a relationship will not be realized.
- Make sure you are free of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). Never harm your partner's physical health – or damage their emotional health (this can happen if one day, your partner is diagnosed with your illness).
