At some point, you may feel that your partner's time is no longer in line with your wants or needs. Perhaps you feel that he is no longer trying to see you or engage you in communication. Or, he may keep his promises less and less and cancel plans that you both have agreed on. Whatever the reason, if you feel that your partner is not spending enough time in the relationship, don't hesitate to take the initiative to change the situation! For example, you could try to minimize distractions in the relationship, communicate personal needs and expectations to your partner, or even end the relationship and find a better partner!
Step
Part 1 of 3: Agreeing on Activities You Can Do Together
Step 1. Make it a rule to minimize technological distractions when the two of you are spending time together
If your partner is physically present but is always paying attention to your phone or laptop, it's actually also preventing the two of you from spending quality time together. To prevent this from happening, try discussing the situation with your partner and if necessary, make rules to limit the use of technology when the two of you are together.
- “It seems we both play on our phones too much to the point of wasting the opportunity to spend quality time together. How about from now on, we make rules about using technology when we're together?”
- Make it a rule not to hold your phone whenever the two of you are eating together. In those moments, keep your phone in a special place, in another room, or at least keep it inaccessible during meals so the two of you can spend some time chatting.
- Set your phone and tablet to “Do Not Disturb” or “Goodnight” mode so you're not tempted to keep checking email and text messages after 9 p.m.
- Don't be lazy to compromise if your partner's job requires them to be on standby at unusual hours. For example, most doctors should be on call to treat patients at night and on weekends.
Step 2. Set a schedule for spending time together
With your partner, try to make a schedule of specific times or days that you can both spend together. However, that doesn't mean the two of you can only spend time together on those days, right! That doesn't mean you two have to spend time together on those days either. Instead, treat the schedule as a guide for managing relationships.
- For example, you and your partner can agree to spend Tuesday by eating Mexican specialties together at a nearby restaurant. Meanwhile, Fridays will be spent eating dinner and watching movies together at the cinema, Saturdays biking or hiking together, and Mondays watching television at home.
- By doing so, you and your partner will not only have a foundation on which to guide, but will also open lines of communication about the time that both parties should spend in the relationship.
Step 3. Have a special password with your partner
While discussing the time each other should spend in the relationship, try creating a special password that both of you can say if you're not comfortable with the other's behavior. Passwords are a secret, practical, and simple means of communicating feelings to one another in public.
- This method is very suitable to be used if one of the parties violates the rules regarding the use of the agreed technology.
- This method is also effective if the two of you are hanging out with your closest friends, but your partner suddenly makes appointments with other people when they should be spending time with you.
- Create a simple but unique password. Make sure the password isn't too general so neither of you can misunderstand it in something else. For example, “soda water”, “light shade” or “Professor Xavier” are passwords that are easy to remember but quite unique because they are not commonly used in everyday conversation.
Step 4. Find alternative ways to communicate if the two of you can't see each other
More than likely, different schedules and responsibilities will prevent the two of you from always seeing each other in person. If that's the case, why not use advanced technology, such as social media or even video chat, to communicate? After all, the definition of "taking time" doesn't only apply to face-to-face communication, right?
This method is especially effective if you are both very busy. For example, if he constantly has to work nights, of course the two of you won't be able to have dinner together on a regular basis, right? If that's the case, try offering alternative options like video chatting after the job is done
Part 2 of 3: Communicating Feelings
Step 1. Communicate your needs
In addition to affirming your expectations in the relationship, don't forget to communicate how you feel during this time. Don't attack or accuse him! Instead, have an open dialogue and ask your partner to do the same.
For example, you might start by saying, "I feel like we need to discuss each other's expectations in relationships, especially since we seem to have different perceptions lately about the time we should invest in relationships. That's why I feel a little uncomfortable and insecure."
Step 2. Define your expectations
What do you want and expect from the relationship? Ask these questions to understand the expectations you have, especially about being with your partner. Also think about ways that you think are appropriate to use to fill your spare time, such as doing an activity together or doing each other's activities in the same room. If your visions are different, consider what middle ground can benefit both parties.
- Try saying, “Actually, I want to spend at least a few days a week with you, and communicate with you every day through various media. But, it seems you don't have the same desire, do you? Would you like us to discuss this and find a middle ground?”
- Your partner may be a nice guy. However, if he constantly struggles to make time for you when you want or need it, try to accept the fact that the relationship between the two of you may need to end, or that you may need to take him into the counseling process.
Step 3. Share your complaints about your partner's behavior
Have you ever heard the saying that actions can speak louder than verbal words? In fact, the truth of the sentence feels very real in a romantic relationship. If your partner admits that he misses or wants to spend time with you, or if he's even made plans with you, but suddenly cancels it for some reason and makes you feel neglected, it means he doesn't really see you as a priority.
- It's not that he doesn't love you or that he's lazy to spend time with you. In fact, his actions show that his actions do not match his words. Share the complaint with your partner and don't forget to mention the specific situation that made you feel that way.
- For example, you could say, “You always say you miss me, and I always say that too. But when you have free time, you always choose to play games instead of going with me. I feel less prioritized.”
Part 3 of 3: Thinking the Bigger Picture
Step 1. Cultivate your friendship with your partner
Almost all romantic relationships are based on a foundation called friendship. Over time, your friendship with your partner may start to drift apart because it is influenced by each other's busy lives. As a result, the time you both spend together will decrease. To prevent this from happening, from now on try harder to cultivate friendships between you and your partner. Supposedly, these conditions can encourage couples to spend more time naturally.
- For example, if the two of you were bonded from the start by a common interest, such as playing games, try asking him to play games together again.
- Or, if you both love the outdoors but have been doing it less and less lately, try taking them hiking together.
Step 2. Evaluate your partner honestly
If he's constantly refusing to make time for you, try evaluating your partner's true identity. Your partner may be a nice guy, but isn't really emotionally ready to jump into the relationship you want. Chances are, he is a person who is selfish or emotionally immature enough. Try to evaluate it honestly to help you dive into the long-term potential of the relationship.
Chances are, you'll soon realize that your real partner isn't ready to spend as much time as you need, nor is he ready to commit to a mature romantic relationship. This condition, of course, is not a reflection of him as a human being, but it can show that the two of you actually have different visions in the relationship
Step 3. Define your relationship
You and your partner must be able to define the meaning of the relationship, which is actually different from defining the purpose of the relationship. In other words, communicate the status of your relationship and how it should be interpreted. Specifically, define how much time you think your partner needs to spend each day. Most likely, you and your partner will come across different opinions. That's why, you feel your partner is not spending enough time during this time.
- You can ask, “What do you think is the status of our relationship? What does that status mean to you?”
- If he recognizes you as his legal partner, take this moment to ask, "What do you think about couples who interact every day?"
Step 4. Don't maintain the relationship
If you feel your partner doesn't want to spend time with you, don't try to justify their behavior. Respect your feelings by stopping tolerating behavior that doesn't align with your needs. Even if the reasons he gives are related to work, family matters, transportation problems, or other really valid issues, that doesn't mean you have to be willing to compromise. Prioritize your needs!
For example, if you feel you need someone who will spend more time with you, and that person you can't find in your partner, there's nothing wrong with ending the relationship and finding a new partner
Step 5. Talk to your closest friends
If you feel that your partner is not spending enough time with you, why not share the problem with the people closest to you? For example, try pouring your heart out to a friend you can trust. However, give him the freedom to agree with your opinion or even call your attitude excessive. Remember, friends are the perfect “trash can” and can help you see problems from another perspective. As a result, your perspective will be even wider!
