In a romantic relationship, you certainly agree that both parties involved must be able to work together as a solid team. However, what if your partner struggles to give fair treatment to the two most important parties in his life, namely you and his family? When caught in such a situation, of course, it's natural to feel betrayed or hurt, especially when your partner can't stand up for you who is receiving criticism or judgment from his family. Remember, the difficulty of dealing with kin conflict wisely can destroy your relationship with your partner. That's why, you must know the practical tips, such as improving communication patterns with your partner, setting boundaries with your partner's family, and learning to defend yourself without the help of your partner when faced with problems!
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Method 1 of 3: Communicating with Your Partner
Step 1. Choose the right time
Remember, family is a sensitive topic. That's why you can only mention it when your partner is in a good mood. In other words, don't bring up the topic when your partner is angry, tired, or stressed. Instead, choose a moment when both of you are in a good, relaxed mood.
- In fact, the discussion process will take place more ideally if the two of you are working side by side instead of face to face. To relieve any tension that may arise, try bringing up the topic while you are both sitting in the car or folding clothes. When the situation feels right, try saying, “Honey, I want to talk to you about your family. Sometimes, I feel like they can be very judgmental of me, and I feel like you don't support me in those situations."
- Also, understand that your partner may need some time to digest your words. Therefore, you can also break the discussion process into several sessions. Try to be more sensitive to your partner's needs and give them the time they need to process your point with a clear mind.
Step 2. Explain how you feel about your partner's family
Be honest about what's bothering you, especially since your partner may not be aware of the effect his family's behavior has had on you.
- Use "I" to express how you feel. For example, try saying, “I get frustrated when I spend time with your family because they always say things that are unpleasant to hear.”
- Keep your tone neutral throughout the conversation, even if you're feeling really frustrated. Be careful, your partner can get defensive if they smell your anger.
- Try saying, “I know your mother means well and you must love her. But, I really get annoyed whenever Mom criticizes the way I raise our child. I'm so lazy to go to family events because Mom always says negative things every time I see you."
Step 3. Communicate your need to be defended by your partner
Often times, couples have to be allowed to confront their families in order to address the issues. Let your partner know how much support you need!
- You could say, "Next time your mom starts criticizing the way I raised Olivia, can you stand up for a decision we made together? Your support is very important, you know."
- Don't blame your partner for not supporting you in the past. Instead, focus on what he needs to do in the future.
Step 4. Don't offend anyone's character
When you make a personal attack on your partner's family, don't be surprised if your partner will side with their family instinctively. Therefore, try to focus on the specific situation instead of trying to judge their character.
- Also, don't use the words "always" and "never" in any of your statements. Remember, such claims are usually untrue and run the risk of sparking debate.
- Remember, couples love their families, and that love is what underlies their loyalty to them.
Step 5. Discuss the solution with your partner
Since your partner knows their family the best, don't hesitate to ask for their help so you can deal with them more easily in the future. In other words, work with your partner to avoid conflict and prevent your feelings from getting hurt again when you have to see the family again.
- For example, the two of you could sit down together and evaluate the situation. After that, work together to find the most appropriate approach for each family member who certainly has a different personality. Chances are, your partner has tips you can use to improve interactions with their families, such as “Aunt Sarah is always judgmental of all the women I date. So, it's better if you just ignore all the comments."
- If you want, you can even structure the dialogue that will be spoken in certain situations and practice it ahead of time. This will help your partner to make confrontations more easily when it is really needed.
Step 6. Practice active listening skills
In fact, even very sensitive topics can be discussed better if the communicator and the communicant in it are able to listen actively. Specifically, it means that you both need to focus more on listening than responding. If your partner is talking, try implementing some of the following:
- Making eye contact with him
- Keep away distractions such as cell phones or television
- Shows open body language, such as hanging hands at the sides of the body and keeping them relaxed
- Ask questions to clarify what your partner means, such as “You mean…?”
- Summarize your partner's words to show your understanding, such as "You said…"
- Make sure your partner finishes talking before responding
Step 7. Consider couples counseling
If you and your partner are having a hard time coming to an agreement on how to deal with problems in your family, consider seeking couples counseling to improve your understanding of each other. Trust me, a professional counselor can teach you the communication strategies you both need, and help you find a workable solution.
You could say, “Honey, I know you have a hard time defending our interests in front of your family. So that the solution can be found quickly, do you mind if we join couples therapy?”
Method 2 of 3: Setting Boundaries
Step 1. Separate the relationship between the two of you from the family
Remember, you are dating or married to your partner, not your extended family. Therefore, don't let problems with your extended family complicate your romantic relationship.
- If you feel that the conflict is affecting your relationship, take some time to think about all the things you are grateful for in your partner and not related to the family. Write it all down on a piece of paper and try to read it periodically.
- For example, if you and your family only meet on special occasions or on certain big days, you don't need to worry too much about the situation because you don't see this problem all the time.
Step 2. Discuss appropriate boundaries with your partner
Sit down with your partner and set reasonable boundaries together. In particular, think about what the two of you can do to reduce conflict and maintain peace within the family.
- For example, one of the restrictions that can be set is forbidding the couple's family to stay overnight when visiting your home together.
- Another limitation is to forbid your family from interfering in important decisions in your life and your partner's life, such as the decision to have children, religion, or choosing where to live.
Step 3. Ask your partner to help communicate the agreed boundaries to the family
In order for the couple's family to know and understand the various boundaries that have been set, of course the couple (or both of you) must communicate it directly to them. Express your wishes both firmly without compromising politeness. However, don't hesitate to defend yourself if someone criticizes or ridicules you after hearing these limits.
- Make sure the couple's family understands the reason behind the restriction.
- You or your partner can say, “Thanks for your concern Mom and Dad. However, the topic of finance is a personal matter so it seems we don't need to discuss it together again next time."
Step 4. Maintain existing boundaries
If necessary, periodically remind your partner's family of agreed boundaries, especially since most people have a hard time behaving out of line.
If any boundaries are violated, don't forget to protest by saying, “Mom, we have already decided not to have children. Can you please support our decision even though you have objections?"
Method 3 of 3: Defending Yourself
Step 1. Show your assertiveness and confidence
Remember, you are no longer a child. While issues with older family members, such as your spouse's parents, can irritate you because you feel like you're being treated like a child, don't get carried away. If you feel like they've been mistreated by them, don't hesitate to stand up for the right reasons!
- Remember, being assertive doesn't mean being rude. In other words, you can still defend yourself in a kind, polite way, and don't violate the norm.
- For example, you can say firmly, “I know you don't understand my culture. But, this big day is very important for us to celebrate. Please respect my trust as I value yours."
Step 2. Communicate your complaint to the spouse's family
If you are bothered by a specific person, try to convey the complaint directly. The courage to take the initiative will truly show your maturity. In fact, they may even appreciate you even more for having the courage to speak the truth!
It's best to voice your complaint as soon as the problem occurs, instead of keeping it quiet for years. For example, you might say, “If you keep interrupting me, I feel like my opinion doesn't really matter in this family. Next time, please let me finish talking before giving my opinion, okay?"
Step 3. Ignore unsolicited comments or advice
If your spouse's family continues to offer unsolicited advice or criticism, try to prepare ambiguous responses to change the subject in an instant. Don't forget to practice all of these responses before actually using them in real situations. By doing so, you will undoubtedly feel more calm and in control when stuck in an unpleasant situation.
- If the spouse's family is older, the best way to respond to unsolicited advice is to respond politely such as, "That's great!" or “Wow, that's cool!” For example, when your mother-in-law criticizes the way you feed your children, try asking her how she fed her children when they were young.
- Another response you can try is, “That's very interesting. I'll try sometime, ma'am." and “Thanks for the advice, but I'm comfortable this way.”
Step 4. Limit interactions with the spouse's family, if possible
If you can't find a solution, the best thing you can do is limit your interaction with them. For example, skipping a family event may be a powerful way to make the situation feel more peaceful, as well as to prevent your relationship from deteriorating between you and your partner. However, if you feel reluctant or reluctant to miss a family event, try to determine the maximum length of time you and your partner are willing to spend there.
