If a friend is having a hard time, you might be worried too. Your friend may grieve over the death of a family member or loved one, an illness, a breakup, or even poor grades at school. While you can't always cheer up your friend, there are things you can do to make sure they know you're always there and to help distract them from feeling sad.
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Method 1 of 4: Showing You're Always There For Him
Step 1. Listen
Listening is the most important thing you can do for someone who is grieving. By being an active listener, you show that you care and that he or she is being listened to. Usually, really listening means more than any other body language.
- While listening, make sure you are not distracted by anything else. This means not checking your phone and not trying to talk to other people.
- Try to make eye contact with him when he talks. You don't need to stare, eye contact is enough to show that you're paying attention and fully engaged. Eye contact also prevents your attention from being distracted by other things.
- Tell him that he can call you any time of the day or night. Sometimes your friends lean on you, and sometimes you lean on them. Being a friend means always being there, even in the worst of times.
Step 2. Ask open-ended questions
Instead of directly expressing your feelings, perceptions, and experiences, ask about the situation. For example, when he talks about his recently ended relationship, ask how he feels and what he needs from you.
Instead of asking, "Are you sad?", try asking, "How are you feeling?" and “What can I do for you?”
Step 3. Spend time with him
When sad, sometimes people just want to lock themselves up and be alone. But humans function better when their social needs are met. Too much self-isolation can lead to physical and mental setbacks. Think of a fun activity you can do together. Accompany him physically and do fun activities that will keep him entertained.
Offer to come over and chat, watch a movie, or grab a bite to eat together. Whichever way you choose to spend quality time with him will be worth it
Step 4. Provide physical comfort
Touch is a language that speaks for itself and can be used to convey that you are there for him, that he is safe with you. It's a good idea to make sure he's okay with physical touch because not everyone likes touch.
- Hugs are very important and can restore. If your friend is sad, especially when she is feeling very emotional, a hug or a touch on the arm can send a signal that you are there for her and she is safe.
- If your friend is uncomfortable with touch, bring your dog or encourage your friend to cuddle the cat. Pets can be very entertaining and many people feel safe after cuddling a dog or cat.
Step 5. Learn to empathize, not sympathize
Sympathy is more inclined to pity, not to share in your friend's pain. You need to try to feel what he's feeling and let him know that it's not just his sadness.
Let's say your friend Mira just lost her husband. Sympathy will say, “Poor you Mira. I'm sorry for you." On the other hand, an empath will say, "Oh Mira, I can feel your sadness and I know you love her very much."
Step 6. Make his life easier
When a person experiences something that hurts him deeply, it may be difficult for him to perform even the most basic of activities. Show that you are there to help by doing some work for him and making his life easier.
- You can offer to cook or clean the house. Homework that usually tends to be put aside when someone is sad.
- You can offer to go shopping or take her to the doctor.
- Think of a favor that will be of great use to him and cheer him up a little.
- Always ask how you can help instead of assuming that something you do will make her feel better. Don't make assumptions when you want to help.
Step 7. Send gifts
Who doesn't feel a little comforted when given a gift? Gifts can help remind your friend that the people around them still care. You can't always be with him physically, but you can make sure he doesn't feel alone.
- Make her favorite cake and send it to her house with a note saying that you really care about her.
- Buy something that reminds you of him and send it with a greeting card.
- Send him little things to make him laugh, like a funny card, a funny story about something you saw, or an old photo of the two of you doing something silly. Choose something light and think about what will make her smile.
Method 2 of 4: Distracting His Mind
Step 1. Take her for a walk
Sometimes a change of mood can help take your friend's mind off whatever's bothering them. Take a trail in your area and notice anything exciting or unusual, or a funny sight.
Enjoy the atmosphere. Instead of talking about problems while walking, it's better to look at the color of the sky or discuss what strange smell you smell there. Watch the animals and get involved with the environment
Step 2. Take him to a movie
Movies and TV shows can really help take your friend's mind off their troubles, at least temporarily.
Avoid sad movies. For example, if his father recently died of cancer, avoid films with stories of parents dying or cancer. Similarly, if he has just been dumped by his girlfriend, a movie about love is not a good choice. Choose films that are light and fun
Step 3. Do silly things together
Silliness is a fun way to take your mind off your sadness and evoke smiles and laughter. “Laughter is the best medicine”, the saying goes. Laughter also has health benefits and improves several bodily functions.
- Relive the fun of childhood. Build a sandcastle or pitch a tent out of bed sheets, talk in an unusual voice, or jump when you have to walk.
- Make silly art, like painting a face or writing a silly poem.
Step 4. Do something new together
New and unusual activities are a great distraction and can add to your happiness. This means you have to think of something new instead of focusing on whatever is making your friend sad.
- Try a new exercise class at the gym, making crafts, gardening, or painting.
- Don't ask your friends to do something new without asking first. These activities can be overwhelming and frustrating, and that's the opposite of your goal.
Step 5. Invite him to help others
Helping others can reduce stress, increase compassion, and increase the capacity to rise above problems. People going through tough times need all of those things.
- Do volunteer work. Volunteering is a great way to develop society, help others live, and participate in something important. Offer to help out in soup kitchens or take care of no-man's animals at the shelter. Be a reading buddy for the kids or offer up your time helping a nursing home.
- Comfort other friends who are also grieving. Sometimes working together to help others who are going through a problem can also be comforting because our focus is diverted from the difficulties of life at hand.
- Do something sweet for someone else. You can both cook or make cards for other friends.
Step 6. Take a trip somewhere
Sometimes a great way to take your friend's mind off their sadness is to travel. Travel will bring new sights and places and keep your friend from the grip of the sadness he is facing.
- You can choose a long vacation, such as touring around Europe, climbing the highest mountains in Indonesia, or driving from Sumatra to Lombok.
- You can also opt for a small getaway, such as a weekend at the beach, a two-day stay in the mountains, or a drive to a neighboring town to catch a band you both enjoy.
Method 3 of 4: Avoiding Common Mistakes
Step 1. Let your friend grieve
Don't say things like "cheer up". These are the worst things you can say to a grieving person, especially if they are depressed or anxious. When you say this, you are telling him not to be sad. Telling someone to "have fun" actually directs the focus on you, not your friend. You seem to be saying that your discomfort about his sadness is more important than his sadness. And that's something a friend shouldn't do. Emotions do need to be felt, even if they are not pleasant.
Don't tell him how he should feel. Everyone has the right to feel and express emotions
Step 2. Don't avoid it
Maybe you don't know what to say to a friend who is suffering. Don't shy away because you feel awkward talking about the problem. Instead, focus on words of support you can offer. Usually you don't have to say anything other than, “I'm sorry. I'm here if you need anything."
Step 3. Focus on your friends
Don't associate his sadness with yours. This is a mistake that people often make. You may think that such an attitude indicates that you have experienced the same problem, but it is highlighting yourself.
- You can show that you understand the problem, but make sure you don't elaborate on the story of how you faced the same problem and are now fine.
- For example, don't say, "I know what it's like to be abandoned by a boyfriend. Remember when Johan dumped me in front of everyone? I suffered a lot that time, but I also got through it. Now I'm just taking it easy on a breakup."
- Instead, consider words like, “I know you must be really hurt right now. I can promise you'll feel better later, but now you're going to be so sad. I'm here for you, whatever you need."
Step 4. Don't offer solutions unless asked
Often people don't want a solution from you, especially when they're pouring out their feelings. What most people want is the feeling that they are heard and that someone knows what they are going through.
- For example, don't say “I know your cat just died. Maybe you should go to an animal shelter and pick up a new cat. There are many cats in this world who need a home.” These words don't sound like acknowledging the emotions your friend feels for her dead cat.
- Instead, say, “I'm sorry about your cat. I know you love him very much. Just tell me if you need anything I can help you with."
Method 4 of 4: Knowing Your Limits
Step 1. Watch yourself
If you're feeling overwhelmed by your friend's emotions and problems, maybe you need to take a break. Filling the role of constant emotional support for another person can be exhausting at times. Make sure that you are not the only supporter. There is a difference between supporting and caring. Know the difference, and be prepared to set boundaries.
- If he's always on the phone and wants your help, be prepared to say no. You may say that you also have other responsibilities. Say, “I know you have a problem and want company. I care about you and want to help. I also want you to respect my time and tonight I can't. Let's find some time this weekend."
- Don't let your life be forgotten. Keep hanging out with other friends, working out to the gym, and doing other regular activities. Don't let your friends take up all your time.
Step 2. Know when it's a good time to encourage your friend to seek professional help
Sometimes we can't cope with our emotions and circumstances on our own. In this case, as a friend, you may need to advise him or her to seek professional help. There is nothing wrong with seeking help, especially in dealing with issues such as divorce, the death of a loved one, and illness.
- Watch for signs of depression, such as difficulty concentrating or remembering details, inability to make decisions, low energy, insomnia or excessive sleeping, anxious or depressed thoughts, pain and physical problems that don't go away after treatment, thinking or discussing suicide, feeling worthless or powerless.
- When you discuss the idea of seeking professional help, don't say that she is sick and needs therapy. Instead, say, “I know you're suffering and I think it's a good idea to talk to someone who can actually help. Remember I'm always there for you."
Step 3. Call outside help if your friend is in danger
If she is experiencing violence, or if she is threatening to kill herself, the best course of action as a friend is to call emergency services. This is a situation you cannot handle on your own, and should be left to the experts. As a friend, you must prioritize safety. Make sure your friend is safe and his life is not in danger.
- If you suspect that she has experienced violence, contact the domestic violence legal aid agency (LBH), the nearest Polres Women's and Children's Service Unit, or by calling the police emergency telephone number 110.
- If you believe your friend is thinking about committing suicide, you can contact suicide prevention assistance at telephone number (021) 7256526 or Counseling on Mental Problems at the Directorate of Mental Health Services at the Ministry of Health of the Republic of Indonesia at the hotline 500-454
